Avoiding problems with EA's

[biospirit3]

I certainly do not endorse this for everyone, but for myself and my SO, I believe that EA's with the opposite sex should be fine PROVIDED:

1) My SO would be kept constantly abreast of the level of intimacy in the EA/ friendship. If there are doubts, she would be able to request and be told anything about the EA and the other woman (OW). However, the communication would not necessarily need to flow equally in the other direction: I would never tell the OW details about my marriage or my SO unless my SO had given prior approval (or I sense she would).

2) I would never complain to the OW about my SO or my marriage. I would share nothing significant with the OW that I have not shared with my SO. I would encourage the two to meet and/or communicate by phone or email if they want, to gain trust and ensure I'm not "spinning" what I say to each of them.

3). There would exist factors that would strongly discourage me or the OW from trying to ramp up the intimacy in the EA to the point of ever displacing my SO. While there are never any guarantees, these factors might include the following…

OW already has a SO or LTR, OW is financially independent, OW is emotionally healthy, large age difference between her and me, geographic distance, both have significant public reputations to protect from gossip.

4) Nearly all communication within the EA (phone, email, etc.) would occur at times when communication with my SO would not be feasible (e.g., SO is away on travel, at work, choosing to do other activities) so competition for my time would be minimized. My SO (and my kids) would have the right to "cut in" at any time and get full attention, or request that the OW and I take a temporary break in our communication.

5) The OW and I would avoid doing things known to be special to our SO's (like going to the same favorite restaurants, listening to same favorite music, places etc.), but rather develop their own special things and rituals.

6) All the above would apply equally and without complaint to both myself and my SO, and to our OW/ OM..

 

While there will still remain a significant risk of an EA becoming a crisis for the SO and the marriage, and many people are perfectly happy without EA's, I consider the alternative -- of completely forgoing EA's - unnecessary and too stifling for myself and my SO. Avoiding EA's entirely can result in all three people missing out on many opportunities for learning and growth in the span of a lifetime. It is not essential to have a SO "all to oneself" in a LTR in order for both people to trust and grow, as much as our first instincts may tell us otherwise. Deepening of the love within a marriage or other committed relationship need not be hindered by a simultaneous EA if the above is respected. This is what my SO and I are still learning, after 30+ challenging years together.

 

biospirit

[Trimmer]

I consider the alternative -- of completely forgoing EA’s – unnecessary and too stifling for myself and my SO....

This is what my SO and I are still learning, after 30+ challenging years together.

So you have spoken for your SO here, have you spoken to your SO in the detail you have presented here, and does she feel the same way? Sounds like an interesting experiment, if all parties can agree, but boy, I can imagine it would get complicated. I'd love to hear updates as you go along.

 

The other way to look at this, is that this is something that we call "friends" but you've expanded the boundaries into emotional intimacy. Would you consider sexual tension (often a part of the "classic" EA) to be OK in your scenario, or would that be a danger sign? Is hugging allowed? Kissing? Other physical touching? Where is the boundary? What danger signs would you be on the watch for? (Wife insists on interrupting or superceding plans with OW, OW gets irritated. Danger sign, or no?)

[jonesgirly]

You've described a 'friendship', not an EA. An EA includes the things you've listed (i.e., the secrecy, sharing of personal and intimate details of each others lives, etc.).

 

Friendships are fine, EA's cross the line.

[norajane]

:lmao:

 

And what makes you think an OW would be satisfied with that?

 

An emotional affair is intimate, far beyond what a platonic friendship is.

[jonesgirly]

yeh.........and I'd have a tough time calling a 'friendship' the OW. I doubt that she'd consider herself that too.

[stoopid_guy]

Personally, I just don't see the big deal with EAs... People sometimes need to discuss their problems with others. Some people relate better to members of the opposite sex. (I'm a prime example, I grew up with three older sisters, I don't watch sports, I like cooking... I find women easier to talk to than men, especially about very personal matters.)

 

Yes, ideally your wife should be your best friend and you should be able to discuss anything with her, but sometimes it's a good idea to sort out your thoughts before presenting them.

 

An EA is a symptom of a problem, and might even help to heal the problem, but it's not the problem itself.

[biospirit3]

I agree that what I described as an emotional affair (EA), some would just call a platonic friendship. I don't care what we call it -- there are many degrees of emotional intimacy within platonic friendships. It's hard to know when "the line has been crossed" but my posting was an attempt to define it, and I'd like to know what other folks think. Whatever words we use, the fact is, some SO's do feel competition and get quite fearful about platonic friendships which have a strong intimate (but non-sexual) side to them, even when all the "rules" I described are applied. I also agree that OW (other woman) is a poor term for a female friend when nothing is hidden about the platonic friendship, even if it's emotionally intimate. There are many rewards for that person in being the OW or whatever we call that role. Not every person is seeking a lifetime partner all to themselves. Some simply appreciate a chance to avoid loneliness, to interact deeply with other trustworthy people, and talk in a fully disclosing manner on occasion with someone of the opposite sex who they feel relaxed around (or pleasantly challenged by). Some want to share activities or hobbies that their SO does not enjoy as much. This should be OK, not a big deal. One's SO should not be expected to be everything, but I agree an SO should be one's primary and best friend, and if that begins not to be the case, the reasons for the decline in intimacy should be addressed, preferably before but at least during the time the EA is growing.

[whichwayisup]

You can have intimate friendships, but the problem is, sometimes the heart and hormones want what it wants. Putting yourself IN a situation with someone else and where saying NO could be difficult. People don't get married to have intimate and EA with people of the opposite sex. That's like "casually dating" someone else outside one's marriage. It's the beginning stages of a relationship yet the person is already married.

[My_Other_I]

You forgot some points:

7) I would ask my W/SO if it is OK for me to have an EA, as she does not satisfy me in that department. I would then ask her to talk to the OW to see if OW has what the W/SO is missing.

8) I would deny all existing traits of humanity and human emotions and make the world perfect.

[EnigmaXOXO]

5) The OW and I would avoid doing things known to be special to our SO's (like going to the same favorite restaurants, listening to same favorite music, places etc.), but rather develop their own special things and rituals.

 

This suggests creating separate areas (or rooms) in your life … one for your girlfriend/wife, and another for your female friend. Shutting your significant other out of ANY area of your life spells trouble. It's a breeding ground for emotional disconnect and insecurity.

 

Of course, if you feel perfectly comfortable with your girlfriend and/or wife developing an emotional dependency on another guy, then by all means you should give it a try and see if it works for you. Just remember … once you've given her the "okay" it wouldn't be fair to suddenly redefine the relationship 'rules' in mid-game just because you're starting to feel uncomfortable.

 

The best rule of thumb for defining your relationship boundaries? … Throw the complicated "rule book" out of the door and don't do anything to your partner that you wouldn't be wholly comfortable having them do to you.