Cheating. Need urgent s of yours,

[Liz577]

I and my bf have been dating for over a year. I just now figured out that he has been cheating on me (and an another girl as well). What should I do now?

 

We met online and I spent twice together with him by now, last June for 3 weeks and this April for one month. I met all of his friends (he introduced me as his girlfriend) and also his parents sometimes. He started telling me to marry his from the first place. Also just this April, he asked me to get married.

 

Things started wrong somehow. He sent me emails and texts less from this June, as he explained me in advance he would be on business trip for 3 months and extra. But the reality is that he has been dating with an another girl from Korea and it reveled that she met him last August when she just visited to his city on vacation and he visited to Korea last Octover (that he planned to come to Japan, that's my country, and he explained me that his company asked him to go on business trip suddenly.). I called his place just before and the girl picked up the phonecall. I heard the whole story.

 

But I didn't tell her the truth yet. Simply I didn't know how to tell her. She knew my name from my bf that he explained one of his friends. I was very upset! and still now too. I rushed to try to get some of his friends on the phone, but all of them seems to be at work now. (I promised his girl that I would call her back and tell you a story in back. She was honest to tell me all and answered for all my questions.)

So please, please help me and give me some advice! I really need it. Very much thank you.

[Liz577]

I forgot to put some info of the current situation. The girl is staying at his place from last month (yeah, exactly from June) and she is going to stay in his city until August. My bf now just left for a short business trip and come back two days later by her explanation.

[Walk]

Are you asking if you should tell her? Or how to handle the situation?

 

I guess I would tell her your story keeping out the emotion as much as possible. Just give her the facts that are important. That he has said you are his girlfriend. That you've visited him in the capacity of gf before. And that he had asked you to marry him several times. Enough to let her know that he's cheating on both of you with each other. But try not to get too detailed.. there's no reason to cause more pain then necessary.

 

You're both getting conned, so don't take it out on her. And whatever you do, don't fight to keep that man. If she wants him, let her have him.

 

Not sure I really answered your question.

[Liz577]

First of all, I really appreciate you for the quick response. I need any advices or other's points of view on my situation.

 

I was asking if I should tell her (I didn't want to hurt her the way I was). As well as what I have to deal with this situation. I'm sorry that I was too upset to think and write neatly.

 

I actually called her back and talked to her and told the real story of mine. Maybe for 3 hours. Yes, she was so upset but she kept talking nicely to me. I figured out what he had told me was completely the same to the ones of his to her. He mentioned about the marrige to her as well. Even it was the same way of what he told her when he was busy with me. That... I'm going on business trip.... I'm sorry for not emailing you much, I was too busy. He let her meet his friends and parents as well. Yeah every slight things he told to me and her was the SAME! I don't know what he has been thinking. I can't believe there is such a person who can talk about his true love, emotion and future stuffs of us that seriously. I and the girl started trying to relocate to live with him. Gosh, hardly believe! Also, I can't imagine how other people such as his parents, brother (who lives with my bf, who I used to stay with at his apartment) and his close friends was thinking about US. Now the girl is staying with him and just two months ago I was.

 

Thanks for worrying me and telling me that I would be better not to hear from her. But actually that put me at ease. She is a nice person. We are on the same boat now. She said he was/is everything to her, and So was/is he to me. I don't think I would like to marry him anymore because of this fact as well as there were some other incidence that I saw girls posted on his Myspace flirting with him. That he told me that was nothing and don' worry. He has divorced in the past. Maybe he has something of problems.

[Stunner]

He's no good...dump him and don't look back.

[Walk]

I'm glad you talked to her. I think she had a right to know, even though it probably hurt to hear.

 

Seems odd that his family and friends never gave any indication. I wonder how many women he's got going at one time?

 

I really hope your able to heal from this quickly. It can't be easy to go through. And good job talking to the other girl. Sounded like you handled it really well.

[Liz577]

Thank you again, Walk! You are really helpful as much as the other girlfriend of his actually. Well, this may sound a rare case but I and she are now getting alone well. We are exchanging emails, too. (however we decided not to let him know we keep in touch on our own. That we will see how he will excuses both of us.)

 

And Stunner, I'd want to say thank you as well! It really works for me to feel better by hearing the comment like yours.

 

Maybe the girl's current situation is worse than mine. She told me that she worked so hard to gain the trip money and have a long vacation (for 3 months) for him. She kept this trip secret from him until 1 weeks before she just left Korea. She planned in this travel to get means of her immigration or her certificate of the working holiday in his country (Canada), and to try to get a job, and think of their marrige. Maybe she now can't feel to get him out of her heart. But when it comes to think of his REAL personality, the future being with him (such as the marrige with him) would be horrible. He is not financially stable even though he is already 30. At this point I thank the God that I was not going to marry to him (I was almost going to do! Scared to think if she didn't visit to him now and if he didn't contact to me less suddenly that I started feeling something was wrong).

 

One thing that is a big problem on me is that I entrusted my bf with the money which was my deposit back. He told me that I might not want to bring that much money with me on the long way to go back, and he would send it to me or he would bring it with him when he come to my country. I trusted him and left the money on his hands. Afterwards, I have asked him some times to send the money back to me. He told me "I will" sevral times include he saying "I'll go to bank after work tomorrow and send it". But actually he hasn't sent it yet with saying "I'm so sorry. I was sent away all of sudden to America and working for 3 weeks or so. I'll send it as soon as I get home." I've heard of that excuese of his twice so far and he keeps telling me that he has not gotten home yet. But you know, he is NOT being on business trip AT ALL. It proved that he has been busy with the another girl. That pisses me off! Would he insist on not returning the money of mine? The part of the money could go into the ring he presented her lately? Gosh!

 

I just thought that it could be kinda normal in Canada that people around a person don't much care about such a situation like his: a guy introduce girls as a girlfriend or his future wife to his parents and friends at the same time. But by seeing the comment of Walk, it's not normal. Because when I called to the closet friend of him, he kept telling me that he didn't know about Kirk's relationships but he said he knew she is now there and he met her last summer. He even visited to our place sometimes while I was there, and we hang out with him and his gf sometimes too though.

[Vertex]

All I gotta say, is Liz, if you are ever willing, I'm always free And I don't cheat!

 

Really though I am glad you handled this so well. It is painful to go through and you seem to have kept a level head.

[Liz577]

Haha... thanks Vertex, you brought a smile on my face!

Thanks for all of you guys, my friends, and the another girl of his, I'm getting to feel much better.

 

Things gets going slowly. I and the girl got emails from the guy, and both of us know what he is telling to each person. He says to her that I'm a bad girl, trust him, spend a good time together, and I'm honest to her. But mostly he spoke to her like nothing happened. To me, he got angry over me about me calling to his place and also about asking him to send the money back soon (I think this is a right of mine because I knew he cheated on us and told a lie sevral times that made us hardly trust him anymore.). But funny, he still think I believe he has been away on business trip without getting home. He adversely blew a fuse on me in saying "I said as soon as I get home I will send the money. I am not home have not been home. and won't be home for a few weeks still. being demanding thought is rough for me to take." and told me things were over. Yeah, you should have been on business trip straight through since the early June, and you couldn't have sent me the money because you shouldn't have been at home at all. Whatever. The reality is that he enjoys sleeping with the girl.

 

That's fine with me and actually THAT is what I had been waiting for for over this two months. I really look forward to removing all of the means to contact him. But I just can't and should keep the emails he mentioned about the money. However now, I'm wondering how to act against him. I mean... is it better not to reply him (I actually don't want to talk to him anymore though), or any other better ways?

 

And I'm sorry for the girl. She is being in a deep pain while there is no one she can talk to, there is no doubt that all of people has known his cheating and all of them are on his side, and at now she is looking in his room for his evidences linking other girls. And it seems she found something and asking me to chat with her. Although I don't have any interest on this stupid guy anymore - he is financially poor, live in a messy house, speaks/writes English badly, always cheating, hate being interrogated, always watch only cartoons, always complaining over something and someone. I feel I become awake finally.

[Walk]

Sorry to say, but I think your money is gone forever. If you lived in his country maybe you could sue him for it or something... but being so far away, it'd probably be more hassel than the money was worth.

 

Don't listen to that jerk at all. You know you're right. He stole your money, cheated on you, and then yelled at you when you found out. He's a loser.

 

Also.. his family and friends behavior is not normal either. There is no way my family would tolerate me bringing by a different guy every month telling them it's my finance. Especially if they knew I had two going at the same time. No way my family would allow me to carry on with that. That guy is screwed up in the head.

 

I'm glad you're dealing with this so well. I hope your able to find someone who's worthy of being with you in the near future. You sound like a really fantastic person!

[Liz577]

Thanks Walk! Truly, you save me a lot.

 

As I said that the girl seemed to find something in his room, she actually did. I'm getting to feel numb about relationships and personalities.

 

She found there are more girls for him. She sent an email to one of them (let's call her #3 girl), and asked her about the guy, then she found #3 girl is engaged to him. She says she loves him deeply and even though she heard about the girl staying at his place now and dating with him for almost one year, she keeps saying she strongly loves him and she understands he is lonly. But weird that the #3 girl and the guy have seem each other in person for only 2 weeks even though they have been together for 3 years now.

 

I actually knew about the #3 girl. When I met him, he told me that he just got dumped by her after her cheating. I found the pictures of them in his computer and they looked like being engaged. Yes, he made usual excuses to say "the ring she wore was just a promise ring. My mother disliked her and she was really a bad girl. Anyways, all are just the past that is a long time ago. I no longer contact to her."

 

The girl checked his computer and many girls pictures include erotic ones (but all don't look like ads or such), some emails to girls that say he was/is not at home for long and he is sorry about that. Just like the same when I was with him, he emailed the girl in saying he was on tour and he hardly emailed her but tried with all his best, and now when she is with him, he emailed me in saying the same lie.

 

Also, as he hates being interrogated, when the girl sometimes asked him to email her more frequently, he yelled at her in emails that she was impatient and he demanded her to learn.

 

I've agreed with Walk in saying the guy is screwed up in the head. But what for and why do you think he is doing those things? Usually, as there are some posts on here about women's wish for a guy's commitment, guys don't like being committed. But this guy's case is totally opposite. Always continues to say lovely words such as you-are-everything-to-me and want-you-to-marry-him, and let girls to meet his parents and friends, even bring me sometimes to the company he partly works for, crying many times for my leave from Canada. All looked real. However, now he makes disgraceful excuses to the girl that I loved him but he thought we were just friends. I and the girl hardly understand.

[Liz577]

Well, it's been a while since I posted on here last time.

But, things are getting onto a final stage so that I desided to just write this kind of an unlikely outcome. (especially for Walk, who saved my mind a lot!)

 

Afterwards, the girl told me the #3 girl's contact address and I actually hooked up her and the three of us started keeping in touch frequently. We spoke about our own history with the guy to others, and reveled the all of his lies and how much he is not be faithful to any girls. Meanwhile we three has known what he is saying to each one in emails (we often forward his emails to other girls ) and in real as well. We desided to hide the fact of us contacting each other.

 

And today, the girl staying at my bf (should say ex-bf already) seemed to throw up all against him. I and the #3 girl received an email from him that hinted the situation out there (yes, we forwarded the each email to the other). We are not sure what is actually going on yet. Maybe we will know when the girl emails to us. Let's see.

 

By the way, about my money that he keeps. I was lucky! I found out that the landlady of the condo I rent is also a criminal lawyer. I told her about all of this matter and she offers me her help. I have asked her to just hold back now for the last resort of the criminal record over him (I strongly don't want to get anybody hurt).

[Walk]

Wow Liz. This is awesome news about the lawyer! Might not get him convicted of anything, but sure will scare the daylights out of him.

 

I'm still shocked that he had the audacity to play three girls at once. And it's good to see that the three of you are working together on this.

 

The girl who's staying with him now, do you think she'll be safe if he finds out what is going on? He might react in ways you probably didn't think he would. He's been hiding a lot about his personality from all of you. She might be in danger if he realizes she's discovered all his secrets. Is there anyone there that could check on her? Some men are violent, and would rather seriously hurt a person (or kill her) then risk the chance the girl could expose him as a fraud.

 

You've really impressed me with the kindness you've extended to these other women, and in your ability to over come a difficult situation. Not to mention that you're incredibly resourceful too.

 

Good luck. And feel free to vent, or update us if you'd like.

[Walk]

But what for and why do you think he is doing those things? Usually, as there are some posts on here about women's wish for a guy's commitment, guys don't like being committed. But this guy's case is totally opposite. Always continues to say lovely words such as you-are-everything-to-me and want-you-to-marry-him, and let girls to meet his parents and friends, even bring me sometimes to the company he partly works for, crying many times for my leave from Canada. All looked real. However, now he makes disgraceful excuses to the girl that I loved him but he thought we were just friends. I and the girl hardly understand.

 

I kind of wonder if the guy wanted to be a polygamist. Have three wives at once. Some men think that's cool, although for the life of me I'll never understand it.

 

Otherwise, I'd say he was telling all of you exactly what you wanted to hear. That he was playing to what you wanted most, in order for him to get what he wanted. And since none of you live near him, then he was free to carry on this charade with as many women as he could handle. If he hadn't promised to marry you and given such convincing shows of love, would you have stayed with him as long as you did? I'm sure he had to pull out the big guns to keep women coming back. I doubt most women would put up with a guy barely emailing her, never having time for her, and only seeing him a few times. Not unless she thought there was a strong commitment by him, and that they would have the rest of their lives to be together.

 

He is one seriously screwed up man. I'm pretty horrified by his family and friends that they would play along with this madness too. ick.

[Liz577]

Thanks Walk. It seems like a hell out there now.

My ex sent out emails to us with saying "I need your help, I am really really confused. I am so sorry and you must hate me so much. As I have been hating myself in my confusion. God I don't want this confusion and crying heart. I haven't eaten and haven't been able to sleep and I look gross. I just feel lost and confused. Please tell me what you want. I will do whatever you want, I swear." He sounds like he feels guilt or shame about what he has done, but I sure know it never really makes any difference. Because I have heard this kind of his little kid crying many times in the past. He will keep doing this over and over.

 

Exactly Walk, he was telling all of us what we might want to hear. He could be a good copywriter for love. You also said it right: he was playing all the things in order for HIM to get what he wanted. And now, he feels badly about himself as if he needs someone to prop him up and make him feel good. He may feel his remorse...but only when he gets in trouble. Again, it's all for himself. He doesn't really care for others except for what they can do for him.

 

Well, about the girl staying with him now. I'm actually not sure what is happening to her. Of course, I have emailed to her with telling her to get a hold of herself and to assure her personal safety. As long as I can see in emails, he has gotten deep down and still tried to manipulate her.

 

Good point, Walk;) ! I don't think I would have stayed with him that long. He is kinda boring without his affection that was all fake. The #3 girl is more mature and smart. She simply turned a cold shoulder to him and said "Whatever you say, I don't trust you and don't respect either. That will never change. You are the best liar and disgusting person I have ever met. It's no business of mine anymore how you will live."