jessssss Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 so this week has gotten better since my bf has been gone. it started getting easier and fun and we were being so adorable and sweet to each other...until last night.... we got into it because i asked too many damn questions!! i got thrown off cause he went to dinner with a few people and then had to go back to study with them...it was weird and with teh whole previous girl he was chatting to online...i have my guard up and i'm working on it. buti screwed up...i ended up being way too nosey and bitchy (it was midnight...i had been asleep for an hour) and i think that contributed to it. now he is totally ill with me and will only repjly to my texts in as few words as possible...no i love you...no morning call...nothing. he just said he'd call me later. what do i do now? i was so tired last night i had no reaso n to be on the phone with him and then start a fight and now ibarely remember everythign cause i was so tired...and now my day is ruined cause i feel like iscrewed everythign up. what should i do? just wait for him to call? try calling him?? what if he doesn't call me on his lunch? he has every day...but he had called me e3very morning but he didn't today...claimed he woke up later and then i asked him why he was being short with me if he was mad or cause of class and he replied with class...i dont' believe him for some reason...i don't like this...i dont' like not hearing i love you when i say it to him...that's huge if you ask me...what's the deal?! damn it. this sucks...just when everything is working out...i f*** it up.
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 chill out. that's my advice. Do something to take your mind off this. Get a puppy or something. It's almost obsessive.
ash8752 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I feel for you, I really do. I have the same problem. I can't keep my damn mouth shut!!! My emotions take over and I can physically feel myself getting ready to burst and i just say what i am thinking and ask what i am wondering! I'd say try and give it a day (if you can) and call him tomorrow and apologize but keep in mind, he's not mr. innocent. He did something stupid and has to realize that that has cause some mistrust on your end. I am having major issues with myself over myspace. my bf just signed up for it and says i have to trust him to not hurt me. I have issues going way back and i am having problems with this. I want him to delete it but i know he is right. If he wants to find old friends etc then he should be able to. I wish i felt differently about all this! I wish you luck on this.
typical Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 we got into it because i asked too many damn questions!! How dare you ask questions after your trust has been betrayed by him! Shame on you! This: i got thrown off cause he went to dinner with a few people and then had to go back to study with them...it was weird and with teh whole previous girl he was chatting to online...i have my guard up and i'm working on it. buti screwed up...i ended up being way too nosey and bitchy Is precisely why you shouldnt have been doing this: it started getting easier and fun and we were being so adorable and sweet to each other... Too soon. It sent him the wrong message that you were fine with him violating your trust and you have moved on when clearly you have not, judging from the following statement: because i asked too many damn questions which have gone unanswered, I assume??? i ended up being way too nosey and bitchy Which I believe was a direct result of him violating your trust, right? now he is totally ill with me and will only repjly to my texts in as few words as possible...no i love you...no morning call...nothing. Ahh, the many facets of creative blame-shifting.....Trust me, he was waiting like a hawk to find something you did wrong so he could pounce on it, therefore, taking the heat off of him and effectively placing it on you. The issue no longer becomes "i screwed up royally, and violated my GF's trust" now the issue is this: i ended up being way too nosey and bitchy "and damn her, I am going to drag this out as long as humanly possible and make her work to forgive me and in the meantime she will be so absorbed with trying to beg for my forgiveness that she will forget all about the fact that I might of potentially screwed over her trust in me and then all will be fine" damn it. this sucks...just when everything is working out...i f*** it up. Yes, Jess....it is all your fault that he violated your trust. Well, now the ball is in his court...or so he thinks. That was pretty clever of him.....taking issues with you asking so many questions just so it takes the heat off of him..... what should i do? I thought you were going to limit the conversations because you saw the light and were surviving just fine in the meantime without him?? What happened to that?? Oh...I know, you had a moment of weakness and he took that opportunity to sneak in and counter-attack instead of being a man and realizing that he f***ed up and needs to accept the consequences of his actions...Like a man should. what should i do? just wait for him to call? try calling him?? what if he doesn't call me on his lunch? he has every day...but he had called me e3very morning but he didn't today...claimed he woke up later and then i asked him why he was being short with me if he was mad or cause of class and he replied with class...i dont' believe him for some reason...i don't like this...i dont' like not hearing i love you when i say it to him...that's huge if you ask me...what's the deal?! Jess, for gawds sake, chill out, as Otter said.....IGNORE HIM and wait for him to contact you. And no, I dont mean 5 minutes. I mean, try to get through the day without contacting him. If he doesnt, then send him a text before you go to bed. If he doesnt respond to that, just go to bed. WHO CARES what the hell he is doing??? You shouldnt. Dont drive yourself crazy. He is not going to abandon you. He has to come home at some point. Remember that.
Author jessssss Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 thanks yall. i know he was trying to shift the blame all on me, i knew it and i called him out on it and that pissed him off even more (i guess it would have me too if the roles were reversed) i don't ahve closure on the whole him chatting with the other girl...i wont' until he is here. that is why i limited teh phone calls and kept my spirits up and his since he was on a business trip...i guess i fell into his trap and now i'm stuck. that's what he wanted and stupid me, that's what he got. i know its not all my fault...and yes he did answer all the questions but eventually got really annoyed with me and that's when it all started. obviously he is going ot have to earn his trust back, my asking questions was a way to try to get some sense of peace atleast while he's gone, to see what he's doing...i shouldn't have even bothered, i know...i got wrapped up in the convo i guess and thougth i had an opportunity right then...i know i shouldn't have. i still haven't talked to him...he did finally send me a text that said he missed me and he loved me. that was it. it's like he just needd to act like a bitch to - like you said typical- take my mind off of what has really caused all this. i know that. when the fight started i knew that but it was just one of those things.... i'm going to try to ignore him and chill out, after reading what yall had to say it does make sense and i feel like i have backing...that sounds weird but maybe you get what i'm saying. i'm going to TRY very hard...i'm worn out from working out yesterday while i was keeping my mind off of it so i'm going home to veg out on the couch with some good ole reality television! i could do that for days...just what i need right now. maybe even ONE beer! i really appreciate everyone's advice, thsi has been very difficult on me and i've learned so much about me through this and i know it's not even close to being over...i'm just ready to see him and have the talk and then go from there. never being apart for more than 2 nights in over a year and going to 6 days apart/6nights apart...it was rough...still is...stll have the rest of today and then all tomorrow and i see him saturday thanks again.
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Do you have any friends you could hang out with in the mean time? I always cherish the ability to hang out as long as I want. Maybe that's old crusty me.
Author jessssss Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 no friends here...been on the phone A LOT!
Walk Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 That was pretty mean of him to get upset with you because you were asking questions. Even if it was a million questions.... it shouldn't matter. Man gives his number to another woman, he deserves to get the spanish inquistion about his current actions. And I get the feeling you weren't even close to that kind of questioning. I'm having a hard time believing you were asking anything rude, or cruel. Only enough to attempt to ease your mind at the time. Anyway, try to relax. Have a beer for me. Watch some tv and get your mind off everything for a while. Wonder how he'd react if you didn't answer your phone tonight, but waited til really late to call him back?
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 Walk-i thought about not answering but they were going out and i wanted to talk to him at a decent hour...you know the 3 hr diff thing screws up a lot! so i talked to him last night...he called me before he got ready to go out. they went to f***ing hollywood. gosh, i'm so jealous!! : ) it was a good convo and it does seem like we are getting better. after we hung up i thought about how i want thigns to be diff when he comes back. it's going to be hard to fall back into how we were and then i'm scared the bickering is giong to start. it's hard to explain what i'm trying to say. i just want things tobe how they were before he was unemployed and when he had a great job but quit it...now he's getting into this job, training seems to be great for him so hopefully he'll be better because he'll be contributing, have an actual career...he needs that. he deserves that. i don't know how to make me a better person...i've done a lot of thinking and evaluating our relationship (prob shouldn't have done that eveyr day but i did) trying to figure out what went wrong and why so many fights lately. didn't come up with a solid answer but believe now that my bf has a good job and training went well that will be one HUGE stress off his back. i miss him so much. i hope when i see him at the airport he gives me a giant hug and kiss..
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 What if he did thinking and decided he didn't want to be with me anymore...I think that has been my biggest fear throughout all of this. When he was blame-shifting and said that i ruined his trip for him cause i kept causing fights (takes two) i knew he was doing it to take the pressure off of what he did...called him out on it, made him more upset cause i was right! so now he's still holding it over my head that i ruined it for him. how do i get past that? how do i make him not say that anymore? i'm not holding this chatting or whatever it was with that girl over hi shead and using it against him like he is me..make sense? what i'm tring ot say is i've dropped it (NOT forgotten) while he is gone why is he saying i ruined it? i'm rambling. sorry.
Walk Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Oh, man... don't let him pull that crap. So I'm assuming he's been sitting int he hotel room every evening, not talking to anyone except as required for this training. That he isn't going to hollywood, or out to eat, or having any fun, since you absolutely "ruined" his trip. I think you need to work harder at ruining it if he's going to accuse you of it. I'm just kidding. I'm not quite sure what I would do if I were in your shoes. Actually, I'm not sure you should take my advice today... I think you're avoiding the problems by hoping that things will go back to the way they were prior to his unemployment. Its okay to wish that, but I have a feeling that you might be concentrating on that a little too hard. Instead of focusing on what's happening right now, you're putting all (large portion) into wishing it'd go back to the way things are. When I do that, (and I do it far too often) I let the problem slip. I stop putting as much effort into figuring out how to solve it, or make things better, and my time is spent wishing for soemthing that is in the past. I have to kick myself into working on the problem, dealing with the present as it is. Because otherwise I'll avoid it. I'll gloss problems over, I'll pacify and take the blame. Just to get things back to the way they were. But it doesnt' solve anything. It just happens again, and again... And it sends the message to my bf that whatever action that cause the pain was okay for him to do. Even if it's just a subconcious thought in his head that he got his way and it's okay to do again because I'll back down in the end. I really, very strongly, believe that you need to let your bf know that you are not going to tolerate this. What single thing has he done to attempt to ease your mind about what he did. He gives you words. But did he attempt to curtail his interactions with other women while he's out of town? A show of faith and commitment to you? Stay in his room at night? Only interact with other men? You mention his sweet words... but not a single action on his part that would even hint that he feels he did anything wrong. Not one. Instead, he turns the whole thing around and blames you for hurting the relationship, and his good time. Don't accept just words. I lied to my exH for 10 months, shifted the blame back on to him. He wanted to believe me. He needed to believe me because he wanted everything to be the way it used to be.... Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if he had stopped believing my words and listened to the actions only. I thnk he would've seen the dark nasty truth if he had. And possible, if we had dealt with the truth right then, right at the very beginning of the problem, then we could've halted the destruction of our relationship. But we glossed it over with words, believed in a past that didn't exist any more, and carried on as if nothing was seriously wrong. Maybe your bf is telling the truth. But don't allow him to gloss over what happened by shifting the blame, or with sweet words and I love you's. That is the surest, fastest way to have your relationship end. It's harder to face the problem, but its the only way if you want that solid, loving relationship back.
Walk Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 What if he did thinking and decided he didn't want to be with me anymore...I think that has been my biggest fear throughout all of this. He's calling you every evening. He's talking to you. He does NOT want you to go anywhere. If he was thinking he didn't want to be with you, then he wouldn't call, wouldn't talk. You'd be the one making every phone call, holding the conversation. He wouldnt' tell you what he was doing that day, or where he was going. He wouldn't say hardly anything. He doesn't want to lose you, but he doesn't want to deal with the issue. Trust me on this. He wouldn't call at all. He wouldnt' text. You wouldn't hear from him if he were thinking he didn't want to be with you anymore.
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 I hope he does want to be with me and if not i wish he would say so. you made valid points walk, about he has called me every day atleast twice for a few mins...granted we had 3 fights in that....but he has continued to call and last night he even told me about every single person he's working with and how htey are and that was cool to me. he's like me, i get something in my head and i'm stuck on it...he's stuck on saying that i ruined his trip...i know how he works. i';m not going to bring it up and let it continue. i didn't ruin his trip. i know he's shifting blame, gotta keep that in my head at all times. talking about him calling...well last night he told me he had to be up and out of his room at 730am...well that's exactly what time ti is right now there. i haven't heard from him. i figured h'ed get up and call me while he was packing up. i plan too much and i can't help it....when i hung up with him last night he said that he would call me in the morning...just sucks that he hasn't and now i'm having my worrying spell where i worry he won't call and then what? we had a little fight last night cause i called him while he was out and he was drunk...in that fight he said something to the effect of he's tired of thsi and can't do me and him anymore....then realizede he screwed up and then later told me that he was sorry he came off that way...i could tell he was drunk. out having a good time, good for him. i just hope that he remembers and does call. rambling again! sorry! and i know that i need to face the problems instead of wishing things go back to how they used to be...of course i want that but i need to figure out how things changed....what was so different then. i'm going to give this my all - if it doesn't work out atleast i will know i gave it everything. so, and i prob know ur answers, if i haven't heard from him by eleven thirty, which is 830 his time....do i text him? do i try calling? if so what do i say...text and ask if he feels okay and if he got up on time??? or is this what he is expecting me to do? ugh
typical Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 i'm not holding this chatting or whatever it was with that girl over hi shead and using it against him like he is me. and thats what he was counting on, to have ammo to use against you. so, and i prob know ur answers, if i haven't heard from him by eleven thirty, which is 830 his time....do i text him? do i try calling? if so what do i say...text and ask if he feels okay and if he got up on time??? or is this what he is expecting me to do? ugh Jess, for gawds sake, leave him alone!! You know he is coming home! Its not like that is the last time you will ever talk to him again. I know the worry is burning a hole in the pit of your stomach, but seriously, this was supposed to be a learning experience for you, (and him) and it seems like you really havent learned much (except ways to obsess more in his absense. If you will notice, the last part of this first post from you sounds almost the same: what should i do? just wait for him to call? try calling him?? what if he doesn't call me on his lunch? he has every day...but he had called me e3very morning but he didn't today...claimed he woke up later and then i asked him why he was being short with me if he as the end of this last post. I am not trying to be rude, but it just seems like you have been on preventative melt down maintenance instead of working on YOU and focusing on YOU while he has been away. You are aware that you have a life outside of him, arent you??? You cannot let him dominate every thought, every feeling, every action you take. You have to differentiate yourself from him.
blind_otter Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 I think it would be a good idea to try to network and make friends of your own. Cultivate your own independent life. Find fulfilling and enriching things to do on your own, and make friends that way. IME that's much more attractive than hanging on your partner and being so dependent on them to entertain you and keep you happy. That can become a huge burden. I agree with typical.
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 I haven't called or texted him...he is coming home, I guess i feel like i need to hear his tone...see how today is going and see if he is happy to see me. if i go to the airport and pick him up and we have another person we're giving a ride to, that'll be awkward - i want to know that when i see him i get a hug and a kiss and not just kinda standing there....especially in front of emily(other person) cause i know she knows we have been fighting. as far as differentiating myself from him...i know i need to do that. i did good this week and foudn thigns to do and keep me busy that make me happy and now i will continue...i'm working on it. it takes time...i'm sure a long time. i'm trying, honestly i am. i don't know why i obsess about him callnig me...last night he said he'd call me in the morning...well it's almost lunch here and he hasnt' called. i'm gonig to a luncheon and IF he calls will definitely miss his call then. maybe that is a good thing. I always let him get the upper hand. maybe because sometimes it's easier. i hate to admit that and i am striving to change that. it's so hard when you've been one way for a few months and to just up and change....i'm seriously trying. ok. i'm not going to call. if i haven't heard from him when i get out of my luncheon and no missed call or no text or no voicemail...then do i call to make sure everything is okay??? okay meaning he got up in time and the flight is still leaving at 11pm...??
Walk Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 You mean he's leaving to catch his flight today? Don't get too worried... I'm sure he's running trying to get everything packed and making sure he didn't forget anything, and trying to get the ride to the airport, etc. He's probably just really stressed and frantic. I guess if you get too worried, text him and tell him you're worried and ask him to just text you when he can to let you know he's alright. Sometimes making a phone call doesnt' work so well when we have other things going on... but only takes a few minutes to text. He probably doesn't think you have anything to worry about, so didn't realize he should've done that. You two have big problems right now, but for him to call and apologize for saying he didn't want to be with you is a sure sign that he does want to be with you. You know its the just the stress and tension that's talking (increased by alcohol).
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 i'll wait until after my luncheon...give him a chance...he could be running around getting his stuff gathered or breakfast or something. he has training today and then his flight leaves out at 11pm..gets here tomorrow am. thing that gets me is he said that he would call me, i want to see if he would. once i hear his tone i know what kind of mood he's in and what to expect...that's waht i want right now.
blind_otter Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Obsessing about him calling or not calling you won't make him call you. Obsessively worrying about whether or not the relationship will continue will not make it continue. Knowing what mood he is in right now won't help you determine how he will feel 12 hours from now. I learned very recently that no matter how much you worry about anything, it happens, or it doesn't, without much concern for your worrying. Try to take your mind off it. That will help more than anything.
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 everything is going to happen that is supposed to happen...i'm obsessing over the call, yes...mainly cause we had a fight, he was drunk, he apologized and said he'd call me in the morn...hasn't...what does that mean? sure he could be busy...but a text takes a sec...haven't gotten anything. if he hasn't called after i get out of my lunch i'm texting him. i hope everythign is okay.
typical Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 IME that's much more attractive than hanging on your partner and being so dependent on them to entertain you and keep you happy. That can become a huge burden. I agree with typical. And I agree with Otter... Clinginess can lead to all sorts of problems like him hiding things from you for fear that you will freak out, which results in lies and mistrust and a whole slew of other emotional nitemares that really arent necessary. Yes, I would text him closer to the time he is supposed to leave to find out what the procedure is going to be, to be sure that the pick up times are still the same. I would word the text more as informational, and less as confrontational.
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 well...he just sent me a text...got up 10 mins before he was supposed tobe out of his rom and is in class now. said he'd call me in a bit. atleast i'll be at my luncheon and can miss his call for once! he prob won't call until his lucnh which is when i get off work so we'll see. thanks for all of yoru help...i know i'll be back on here after my lunch! lol
typical Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 everything is going to happen that is supposed to happen...i'm obsessing over the call, yes...mainly cause we had a fight, he was drunk, he apologized and said he'd call me in the morn...hasn't...what does that mean? sure he could be busy...but a text takes a sec...haven't gotten anything. if he hasn't called after i get out of my lunch i'm texting him. i hope everythign is okay. Okay, but be certain that you are aware that you are going to end up questioning him as to why he didnt call, which might result in screwing things up further. If he was drunk, he might of not remembered when he said he was going to call you. If you had kept everything low key during the entire span of his trip, he might have come home with a feeling that he has something to work on....earning your trust again, rebuilding what he tore down, smoothing over the sharp edges of doubt in your mind, but since you refused to let it go, (I understand why) it started up a slew of resentments on both parts, and a feeling like he has to do damage control instead of working hard to win you over again. Men sometimes really loathe and avoid coming home to an emotionally distraught woman on the brink of disaster. Too bad he cant do this trip over, for I would have recommended keeping conversations light, and short.and if the subject of myspace was bought up, I would of said "I would rather not talk about that now, it is a touchy subject" giving him the overall impression that this isnt something that is going to be brushed under the carpet so easily, thus avoiding the fights and clever blameshifting tactics.
typical Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 If you had kept everything low key during the entire span of his trip, he might have come home with a feeling that he has something to work on....earning your trust again, rebuilding what he tore down, smoothing over the sharp edges of doubt in your mind also, to add to what I quoted/posted above, there would have been something sensual about this whole aspect, as it would feel like the first time you guys dated again, in which he he was trying to earn your trust and go slow with you, a chance to re-explore and work towards winning you over again. But now, with everything the way it is, you can still have make up I havent seen you in a long time sex, to look forward to, so it cant be that bad.
Author jessssss Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 yeah, i know. it was hard. if he ever has another trip like this...i will know how to handle it learning from this one. still haven't talked to him yet...gota few texts so that's good. i still don't know what kind of mood he's in or how happy he is to see me or come home...i guess this is good, especially since he's barely had any contact with me today...you know, since we fought last night. i just hope he keeps an open mind and doesn't decide he doesnt' want to be with me...if he were going to do that he wouldn't have texted me or explained himself or continued to text me while he was IN class. ugh...i'm so ready for this to be overwith! lol going home to clean up a little and drink a FEW beers!
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