My Story/All I wanted was the truth, no matter how much it hurt.

[justice]

I found out about my h's affair on May 30th, 2005 and since then nothing has ever been the same as it was before that. It is a loss that I feel so deeply still yet today. Do I blame my H? Yes. Do I blame the OW? YES!! But mostly I blame myself. For not seeing it, for maybe not looking as good as I could have but mainly because maybe I should've given him more attention. At the very least I blame myself for being so stupidly blind. H works in a town about 40 miles from our home. We have no kids. He met OW in a convience store in between where he works and we live. She is younger than me. I was 44 last year. My H is 33. OW is now 30. So you can imagine what this did to me emotionally as far as the age is concerned, but that is the least of the insecurity I felt. I found out when I realized that he was hiding his cell phone at night. Before I never really thought much about it, until I noticed that he was hiding it. So one night, I crept up after he was asleep and snagged the cell phone. I read all of the text messages he had saved. You can imagine this happend at around midnight and I was devastated because some of the content of those texts was painfully incriminating, I didn't go to bed the rest of the night. She was describing what their sexual acts did for her in some of those texts. YEAH. I called the number the texts were sent from, from his cell phone. I got voice mail and I asked her who the f*** she was and what the hell she was doing with my husband. Not but a few moments later a text came in (stupid of her) OMG< OS! I was so angry I was shaking. I went back into the bedroom where h lay peacefully sleeping and I turned on the top light and I ripped the blankets off of his body and I threw the cell phone as hard as I could at him, it hit him in a very vunerable place and he hurt down there for days afterward. I got his ass up and I confronted him, he tried to deny it. It did no good. I KNEW then. To clarify, his mom provides us with the cell phones because we get a better rate so I never got the bills. That meant that not only did I not have a clue about what was going on but that my MIL and that whole side did and were covering for my H. I truly was the last one to know. You can imagine how angry and bitter this made me. In the next few weeks and months, I went through rage so dark and deep that it actually hurt me, I then went through depression and hopelessness. I also called the OW until she had no choice but to talk to me. I asked her as one woman to another to meet me in a public place so we could rationally discuss the situation. She refused. In all this time, the H went from still trying to deny everything, to being outright assholish. He was primping and buying new clothes and keeping his before dirty vehicle spotlessly clean. And he took to leaving the cell phone inside his truck locked where I couldn't get to it. His mom would not show me the cell bills at all when I asked her. I resolved to get them somehow. I wanted the whole truth. H said he wasn't seeing OW anymore but my gut told me he was. So I did something underhanded. I went to the cell phone provider site and signed up as the account holder. I had managed to get the account number and my MIL is computer illiterate so she didn't have an online account set up. It was so easy. There before me on the monitor was all the proof I needed. Every cell call to and from the ow and my h right there. I confronted him again, he denied it and I threw copies of the online bill with all the evidence in his face. He stalked out and didn't come home for several hours. While he was gone I put the time to good use, I dug for information on the OW, and found out where she lived and that she was married. I found this out through the cross reference on her home number in the phone book. Her and her husband's name right there. When H got home he was again confronted. I told him that I knew and wouldn't it be funny if OW's husband knew as well, he turned puke green. A few days later H had a complete turn around when he got home from work I was packing and had been all day. I told him that I was better than the way he was treating me and that he destroyed everything I felt for him. And that's how I felt. He begged me not to leave and I asked him if he meant it and if he was willing to earn my love and more importantly my trust back. He said yes. I handed him the phone and told him to call her and tell her it was over, no more calls no more contact. He did. You could hear her screaming over the phone. Then I grabbed up the cell phones and told him they were being returned to his mother and that we were getting our own with our own account that came to US. We walked across the drive and gave them back to his mom. She was livid and verbally began abusing me saying that her son deserved better than me. H told her to shut up because I knew everything. It did destroy and break apart a whole family, his side of the family and me have not spoken ever since. That night the ow broke out the window of my RS 25th anniversary edition Camaro!! My most prized possession. Since that day, she has stalked me, stalked my H and made my life miserable. We have had to change our number and we are getting ready to move. I have filed the RO on her. And I've made up my mind that her H has a right to know what his wife is doing, so I'm taking everything I have and I'm going to show him just what has been going on behind his back for so long. Yes, I admit that part of it is wanting revenge. But most of it is because I feel like he has the right to know just as I did. In the present, I still have issues with trust. I still get shakey and unsure when he is at work and is late. We have our own cells now. And I check that bill down to the last number every month. But he is trying. And I can see that he does regret what they did. And he did get his own RO against her too because she nearly cost him his job. Me, still yet, there are issues. I still hurt, I still feel betrayed. And I still don't trust. We have a counceling session appointment. How many of you still check out things to make sure nothing is going on? Do you ever get to the point of not checking anymore? I don't like feeling like this. Oh and I made H go and get checked out before I even considered moving him back into my bedroom. And when does the anger stop? I'm sorry this is so long, but thats what happened.

[RealityCheck]

Justice....

 

I know of your pain all too well.

 

Whenever I post a response, understand that I can only share MY feelings and this is not to be misunderstood with what I think you should feel or do.

 

For me, I lasted a year after I found out about my exH's cheating. I did not want to live with the lack of trust, the pain, the turmoil any longer. My exH was a constant reminder to my pain. He tried everything as well to repair the damage. It was no use. The damage was done and beyond repair. I needed to be happy again and I knew as long as he was in my life, I could not be!

 

The day I left my marriage, I felt as though I had crawled out from under a rock. The pain was gone and I never looked back.

[Blind Illusion]

I'm not sure Justice, how long it takes but I have read some stories on the Infidelity Board and it does seem as if some of the marriages are thriving, post affair. Perhaps that depends on the extent of what the affair partner is doing to make it better.

 

It doesn't seem like you lost much with your MIL and his side of the family. Good riddance to them.

 

The OW sounds completely deranged. I don't know but I really cannot see myself smashing car windows at a relationship's conclusion nor contacting an ex- partner's job. Although, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't be contacting her husband with the proof either but I can understand your feelings.

 

You say that you are moving. Firstly, that means that you will be further from your MIL (who, I have a feeling, wanted control over more than telephones). Secondly, maybe it's what you need for your mind to think that this will be a completely new start for your marriage. It might be purely a psychological thing but it will be a new start and maybe a new level of trust will emerge. Who knows.

 

I'll conclude my response here with the most important piece of advice I can give you: DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

[justice]

Thanks for the advice. I do think moving is the best thing that can be done at this point. Maybe the reason I am having issues with trust is because ow is in such close proximity to the situation.

[justice]

Hugs, we all need to do what is best for us in our own individual situation. I hope you are doing ok.

[RealityCheck]

Thanks for the advice. I do think moving is the best thing that can be done at this point. Maybe the reason I am having issues with trust is because ow is in such close proximity to the situation.

 

Well, with the seriousness of her actions I would venture to say that would impose issues! She sounds very unstable. Kinda like "Fatal Attraction".

 

Good Luck in your road to recovery.

 

I wish you peace and happiness.

[norajane]

Have you posted a thread in the Infidelity forum? There may be some people there who have been through situations like your and can tell you what has helped them get through it.

[silktricks]

Hi Justice - I'm not going to do any quotes on your msg, but wanted to first express my sincere condolences and hope that things will be OK with you in the future. You have a long painful process in front of you. The level of your H's deception is horrible, and his denying and continued hiding after you caught him once will make your process even more difficult.

 

My H told me about the A. That's not to say that he didn't lie, he did. or that he didn't attempt to downplay things that happened, he did. I guess I expect that type of behavior as basically human.

 

I'm a little different from most wives that I've read about on this board, as I never did go into the double-checking everything mode, for example, I never put a key-logger on our PC, even though his was primarily an e-mail relationship. THat's not to say that I didn't do SOME checking. I did. Anytime I checked anything, though, everything checked out exactly as he said. That helped immeasurably.

 

I found out a little over two years ago. I no longer check anything. My husband and I are on very good terms, and I almost never have what I call as melt downs anymore.

 

I tried to talk to the OW once, but she hung up on me. I didn't try again. Looking back, I'm not even sure why I tried the once, as I didn't really want to say anything to her, nor did I want to ask her any questions. I think I really just wanted to hear what her voice sounded like.

 

From what I've heard, the average for getting over an affair, if you are going to get over it, is about two years, and that's about what it was for me. The grief seems unbearable during that time, though it does diminish overall. It's kind of like general slow roll down the side of a mountain that has some large bumps on it.

 

We had to change our phone number, too, but will not be moving. If she should ever have actually come to the door at our house we would have called the police. That's what my husband told me to do and I would have immediately. She did drive up and down our street, but ya know, that was her problem. (Oh yeah, and she or SOMEBODY egged my care)

 

She was a screwed up woman who thought she could get someone by slowly winning him over. It didn't work, thankfully. But I learned my lessons too.

 

I was not free of guilt in the situation. I was not communicating with him, and had allowed other things to take my attention away from him. It would be easy for me to say, that I did X because he did Y. But I don't believe in that blame game. I, like you, blame myself for what happened. Had I not been so absorbed in my own pain I would have more clearly seen his.

 

Hugs to you. Take care of yourself and don't let his nasty family get you down.

[confused4awhile]

firstly I only got to the beginning of your story before I stopped...

 

"I blame the other woman..." "I blame myself...."

 

The OW did not make a commitment to you PERIOD your husband did. It is not her fault it is his....let me repeat...

 

IT IS HIS FAULT!!!!!!

 

suggest reading "Shattered: 6 steps for recovery from betrayal" it helped me and it will help you trust me and God bless you

[mopar crazy]

firstly I only got to the beginning of your story before I stopped...

 

"I blame the other woman..." "I blame myself...."

 

The OW did not make a commitment to you PERIOD your husband did. It is not her fault it is his....let me repeat...

 

IT IS HIS FAULT!!!!!!

 

suggest reading "Shattered: 6 steps for recovery from betrayal" it helped me and it will help you trust me and God bless you

 

 

Well, it takes two confused. IF her H's OW knew he was M she is just as much to blame as he is. Yes, he did take vows w/ her, but the OW could of said NO.

 

As for putting blame on yourself J, don't. Did you put a gun to your H's head and tell him to stick his dyck where it didn't belong? No. It's NOT your fault so plz don't blame yourself. I never, ever blamed myself for my H's A and even my IC said it wasn't my fault, it was his choice.

[confused4awhile]

Well, it takes two confused. IF her H's OW knew he was M she is just as much to blame as he is. Yes, he did take vows w/ her, but the OW could of said NO.

 

...I never, ever blamed myself for my H's A and even my IC said it wasn't my fault, it was his choice.

 

Mopar....it does take two but you can't expect the other person in an affair to uphold the promise of faithfulness PERIOD! And thats what it boils down to.

 

Being on both sides of the fence (as the other woman and then once in a "commited relationship" was established being cheated on by the same man)

 

Did I feel bad for the S.O. he was cheating on with me ....yes but as so often the case they tell you how horrible it is and ETC ETC....Actually his S.O. and I have had conversation (now that we are both done with him) and have found the same stories. lies, ETC ETC in common.

 

He met her the same way stayed with her for 7 yrs and then picked me up on the side. and of those 7 years I was involved for two before they split.

 

I'm not saying once a cheater always a cheater people can change but ...IT IS THE PERSON that is already involved to show some willpower , respect, and honor to uphold the promise THEY MADE to be faithful. It is not the other person's concern and responsibilty. I'm sorry but that's just the way of it.

 

It's not just the physical act of the affair - it's the lying and the breach of trust within a couple that denotes REAL intimacy, it's the lack of respect or emotional caring for their partners- and that's what it comes down to.

 

The Ow or Om seldon even knows the wife or girlfriend. The sad fact is the Ow or Om have self esteem issues which is what gets them involved with people that they can't have in the first place. More than half of these people don't care about themselves enough (me at one time included) to expect more or GET more from a relationship of their own. If they don't value themselves how can they be expected to be concerned about a person they've either never met or has been portrayed to them as the "villan?"