dallas1234 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 OK, here’s the deal. I’ve been married for 10 years, and I have 2 kids. One is 4 years old and one 18 months. My wife and I have a good marriage, a good life, and have dreams of building a dream house on our dream property in 1-2 years. Life is good, except...I had an affair about 9 months ago, which lasted for 4 months. This affair was with my first love from high school. We had dated in school for about a year, and broke up due to what we found out 9 months ago was a misunderstanding. I had often thought about her the past 25 years, and wondered how her life turned out. I’d been looking for an email address or a phone number for her in the local paper for many years, and came across an email address, and contacted her. She has been married for 22 years, and we basically picked up where we left off, and had an affair. Neither one of us were proud of what we did, and decided that we either needed to stay committed to each other, or to our spouses. She wanted to divorce her husband to be with me, and I wanted to do the same with my wife, but after some debate, I decided to stay with my wife for the sake of my kids. She respected my decision, and told me that if I changed my mind, she would be waiting for me. The 5 months since the affair was stopped, I have recommitted myself to my marriage. I’ve talked and communicated with my wife (about everything except the affair I had, because she has told me repeatedly in the past that if I ever had an affair, she would divorce me, no questions asked), asked what she needed from me, and I did the same. We have done everything we can to make this marriage great. She now says that she has never felt so close to me as she has the last 5 months. Everything seems to great right? Wrong. For the last 5 months, every 5 minutes, I’m thinking about the woman whom I had the affair with. The passion that her and I have can not be attained by my wife and I. Not in the last 5 months, not the last 5 years, not ever. My wife and I are just not capable of achieving it. There is truly a connection between my ex and I that my wife and I have never attained, and after 11 years, suffice to say will never attain. I contacted my ex girlfriend, for the first time in 5 months, to see how she was doing, and she says she is still waiting for me. She too thinks about me all the time. My question is: My mind made the decision to break off the affair 5 months ago, yet my heart is still engaged with my ex. What do I do? Continue to live a lie with my wife, or be honest with my wife and end our marriage. Signed, In a mess
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 You should "man up" and deal with this. Get into counseling, and explore your feelings in depth, with someone who's objective and emotioinaly detached. Your walking through an emotional "mine field" and playing with way too many peoples feeling, emotions and lives. You should go no contact with the OW, until such time as you've got your s***e together, got your head together. I understand about your feelings about the OW, but just like the woman in "Bridges Over Madison County" you made committments, obligations to another, Promises? You took an oath before God. You have committments and obligations to your wife and your children. You signed up for this (the marriage) and noone promised you it was going to be a rose garden. And, I understand what you're saying about the OW and your wife ~ but in my book (and there are other books) you're NOT a man unless you give your marriage 100%. And, I say that in the context, that in the end you may end up divorced, and with the OW ~ but do so and go there with the knowledge that you gave your wife ~ your marriage 100%+ ~ you owe that to your wife ~ to your children ~ to your family. You need to come clean with the wife ~ be honest about it ~ have some integrity with your wife. Yea! It might mean a divorce ~ but give her a fighting chance, ~ give her the opportunity to choose. Give her the opportunity to work on her marriage. Is that the hard road? You bet! But, its also the "high road" and the right thing to do. To do anything less ~ is to live a lie. And, it will be you, more than anyone else that will pay the toll for it. Even if you don't tell the wife ~ it will eat at you, your marriage ~ like a cancer. You know what the right thing to do here is! It was written upon your heart the day you were born. You knew before you came before this fourm with this! Just do the right thing! You know what that is!
Lor Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 You really want to ruin 2 good marriages for a maybe? Sounds rather selfish to me. Yeah the old flame is great, you think about her all the time. She's been married for 22 years and you for 10? Why, if she's so head over heals in love with you, didn't she try to find you? You both were apparently single for 3 yrs after the initial breakup, and then you weren't married for 12 years while she was. Its so easy to ruin a good marriage for something that might/might not be there. Are you sure you aren't just thinking about this because of stars in your eyes and she's new while your W is old? The grass is always greener.....
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 You really want to ruin 2 good marriages for a maybe? Sounds rather selfish to me. Yeah the old flame is great, you think about her all the time. She's been married for 22 years and you for 10? Why, if she's so head over heals in love with you, didn't she try to find you? You both were apparently single for 3 yrs after the initial breakup, and then you weren't married for 12 years while she was. Its so easy to ruin a good marriage for something that might/might not be there. Are you sure you aren't just thinking about this because of stars in your eyes and she's new while your W is old? The grass is always greener..... Well said ~ Lor, well said indeed!
Author dallas1234 Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Thanks for the replies Lor and Gunny, they are much appreciated. However, how good are those marriages that I/we would be ruining, if we have had an affair in the first place? Also, note I stated that if it weren't for the kids, I would leave my wife. What does that say about the good marriages? I'm not saying one way or another...I'm just playing devil's advocate right now.
Lor Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Dallas, if I sound bitter its because I am. My H is having an EA, and can't decide whether his OW's grass is green than mine. Maybe my viewpoint on this is tainted because of that. But what you are asking in my opinion is wrong. You married your wife with the intention (I would hope) of loving and living with her till you are both old, go gray and die. When she married you, didn't she expect the same thing? There wasn't a clause in the marriage contract that said that you would love her UNLESS or UNTIL you found the old flame. Maybe you do love this other woman with all your heart. But don't you OWE it to your wife and your kids to do EVERYTHING in your power to restore the marriage you have, stand by your commitment, and (try to) renew the love that you had with her in the first place? You didn't marry her out of convenience, did you? You could try to explain everything to your wife. Try and explain to her that another woman is better than she is, loves you more, makes you feel more. Then call up the OW H and explain to him that you are a better man for her than he is. While the two of you lop off into the sunset hand in hand, leaving the ugly, bitter mess behind. You will do what you think is best. This is just my opinion.
Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Dallas, I think you're not living in realistic real world here. For a start you haven't known this person who you would like to take up with in a real mature relationship. The first time you did... you were in high school. Sorry but we change an awful lot from high school onwards. The second time was an affair. An affair only shows you the good traits about that person... you never see the house looking a mess, the kids screaming and squalling, the cooking being abysmal, the finances screwed... or whatever. I really think you have your rose coloured spectacles on here. For the last 5 months, every 5 minutes, I’m thinking about the woman whom I had the affair with. The passion that her and I have can not be attained by my wife and I. Not in the last 5 months, not the last 5 years, not ever. My wife and I are just not capable of achieving it. There is truly a connection between my ex and I that my wife and I have never attained, and after 11 years, suffice to say will never attain. I contacted my ex girlfriend, for the first time in 5 months, to see how she was doing, and she says she is still waiting for me. She too thinks about me all the time. You will never achieve this with your wife for as long as you hang onto this other woman. It is possible to achieve it with your wife, you simply have to be committed to it. Inside your heart you are not committed. To me that is criminal. You are taking up time of your wife's life that she can never get back. She deserves to be loved and cherished as much as just staying for the kids. She doesn't deserve to find out that almost all of her married life has been a lie. She deserves to have you completely, 100% committed to her. If you can't do that, you need to end it and you need to do it truthfully. Personally, I don't think you need this other woman. I think you think you do. Sometimes when a new relationship begins we're swamped and consumed by new relationship energy. We're energised and we don't see their faults and flaws. They're elevated upon a pedestal from which they can only fall. Meanwhile, your loyal and loving wife has already fallen off that pedestal and managed to provide you with a stable, loving, loyal relationship which has borne you alot of fruit - children, a good home etc. What you need to think about is what is driving you to do this...? Let me tell you something... human beings are never happy. Never. When they have something, they always find something else which isn't quite right to focus upon. There is always something bigger, better, stronger, more loving out there for them. It's a fallacy. You would be equally as happy in your marriage if you had focused upon it and resolved all these issues with your ex-girl. You would be equally happy now, if your wife had a fighting chance. Your wife will never have a fighting chance as long as this other girl is inside your heart. The bottom line is though, you can be ruled either by your head, or by your heart. Sometime when we make heart decisions it isn't the best thing to do for us. As others have said, the grass on the other side of the fence may appear a little greener... the truth is though, it's not... it's the same bright shade of green everywhere. All you have to do is choose. If you choose your head and your wife, then I suggest you go to counselling and resolve inside your heart and mind your issues with your ex-girl and really put 100% into your relationship with your wife. If you choose your heart, and you decide to leave then again, do it truthfully, respectfully - so that it doesn't damage and lower your wife's self esteem. It is a fallacy that NOT telling her won't hurt her. It will - sure it will. But the truth no matter how painful, is always less painful than a whole host of lies. She deserves to know that she never stood a chance and she never did anything but the right thing and she never could have changed it. She'll be angry with you, sure she will - but long term, honesty is always the best policy. In addition to those things you need to also think about the impact this will have upon your families. The children, the finances, the extended families, the accusations and recriminations. You need to make absolutely certain that you take off those rose coloured spectacles before you do anything at all. To do that, I suggest a first hit at counselling and work through your confusion about where you are with you and how you feel.
Lor Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 My wife and I have a good marriage, a good life However, how good are those marriages that I/we would be ruining, if we have had an affair in the first place? Also, note I stated that if it weren't for the kids, I would leave my wife. You're contradicting yourself. and thank you Chinook for being much more diplomatic and tactful than I.
Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 You're contradicting yourself. and thank you Chinook for being much more diplomatic and tactful than I. Hi Lor, I think in the same way your post was possibly tinted with your experiences, mine was too. I had a relationship for 10 years and I'm finding it incredibly hard to get over him. We split two years ago and I've dated 3 guys since then. The last guy really fell for me, and I knew I couldn't commit because of how I still felt. I knew that I either need to make a choice to get over it or to suck it up and ruin this guy's life. I decided that I'd try to spend some time re-assessing my frame of mind. Surprisingly once I realised all this, it gave me hope that any future relationship I have won't be coloured by the spectre of a relationship with my ex-partner. I realised in essence, I needed to work out my issues before involving anyone else... so I'm comfortably single and will stay that way for the time being.
Lor Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I think in the same way your post was possibly tinted with your experiences, mine was too. Mine undoubtably is tainted since I am in the position of Dallas' wife. I've seen the flipside; what it does to those left behind. IMO, its not worth it. Nothing will scar you more than the anquish your children have to go thru. And you are 100% correct in stating that it is only fair to tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Lying and sneeking around hurts a lot more. I'm glad to hear you have your life on the right track. Maybe some day I'll be lucky enough to reach that same level.
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