MrPot Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I was dumped about 6 weeks ago, and it was really hard at first. I made all the common mistakes: pleading, writing a note or two, bla bla bla. I got a lot better over the following weeks and started moving away from her more, which is difficult considering we were best friends for a long time before our 6-month relationship. However, it wasn't until this week that I realized that I've been implementing a soft, weak, version of "No Contact" and that I need to throw this thing into overhaul. The beauty of "NC" is that it's productive whether or not you want the ex back. My heart is still with my ex and I still hurt a little bit, but my head is strongly in opposition to ever dating her again. We have conflicting values (for example, she's kind of an "ignorance is bliss" anti-intellectual and resents my intelligence, which drives me insane.) The list of our differences is very long, and I knew long ago that we shouldn't be together, but I still loved her and didn't want to hurt her. I don't want her back and haven't for a week or two, but I realized just a couple of days ago that I'm still paying her far too much respect and attention than she deserves. For example, she called me while she was at work the other day because she needed help on a video game (she works the late shift at an alarm company and has ample free time). I wasn't able to answer the phone, but when I heard her message, I immediately logged onto my computer and found a walkthrough to assist her. She called back in about 15 minutes to tell me she didn't need the help any more, and I answered, told her that I was in position to help her if need be, and politely ended the conversation shortly thereafter. Why the hell am I being so nice to her? I have several other close female friends, and sometimes when they call, I intentionally don't answer and might not even call them back for another day or two because I don't feel like talking to them. Yet, I've unconsciously been behaving as a lapdog for this insecure, heartless, mildly insane bitch who just broke my heart (for the second time, mind you). Why am I treating her more special than my other female friends who have never done anything to hurt me? The moral of the story is that you don't owe your ex anything. You still feel like you have this privileged, special relationship. Unfortunately, you don't. If you have any friends who you keep around because you like them, yet you don't usually feel like answering when they call and you might not even get back to them, treat your ex like that (but worse). When they call, don't answer. If they call the next day, answer and tell them that you were busy. Why do you owe them an explanation beyond this? You don't, period. This isn't about being vindictive or playing games. It's about being smart and having respect for yourself. You don't have to tell them that you don't want to be friends. Just be unavailable to them. DO NOT be a surrogate boyfriend/girlfriend (meaning you're still a close friend, yet don't get the old benefits). When you get dumped, it's important that you don't be the person's friend for a quite a while. They've lost their special connection to you, and they don't deserve to regain it unless they try crawling back and you decide to reluctantly concur (under your terms, of course). I made the mistake of telling my ex that I still wanted to be friends right after she dumped me, and even remained close friends until this week. I've decided that I'm done. We can still be friendly, but no more favors, no more hanging out, no more chit-chatting for a long time. Save your sanity, your pride, your respect. No Contact for the win.
MacGyver Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 My ex just rang me just now, i didnt answer and instead I rang her back when i had time. She spoke, i spoke like a mate, then told her i had to go and hung up. It felt soo good, and i owe it to NC. So yes, NC FOR THE WIN!!
lebowski24 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Thanks for this thread, guys. It seems like our minds naturally want to speak with them BECAUSE of what they do to us... but as you guys said, we shouldn't speak with them for that exact reason. I'm going on 3 weeks of NC soon, and except for a couple days this week, it's been feeling pretty good. I can't wait until she runs into one of my friends one day and finds out about how different/better my life is becoming without her.
norajane Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 After reading a lot of the posts on LS, I almost wish they'd never come up with the whole text messaging thing! People say they're going to do NC, and then end up texting 20 times in one day. It's just too easy to text and totally blows the concept behind NC.
LaraV Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 The moral of the story is that you don't owe your ex anything. You still feel like you have this privileged, special relationship. Unfortunately, you don't. Yep. This is the hard pill to swallow. As much as I hate to say it, if they felt a special connection to you, they would not have dumped you. The realization hurts like a b*tch, and it's one of the hardest thing to come to terms with, but it's true.
lebowski24 Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Yep. As much as I hate to say it, if they felt a special connection to you, they would not have dumped you. The realization hurts like a b*tch, and it's one of the hardest thing to come to terms with, but it's true. Here is some food for thought on this one though. Yes, I realize that chances are, if they dump you, then the connection is gone. But maybe the connection is gone because of a few things that you each need to personally fix. Maybe you became too accustomed to each other and let some of the good things slip away. Now, that is all the more reason that the breakup should have happened in the first place. But, in the case that you both manage to become more like the way that you were in the first place, is it sometimes better to reach out after 2 or 3 months and see if you can try it again, making sure to take the lessons learned to heart? I know that I've personally fixed a ton of things in my life in the past month in particular. Part of me thinks, "Hey, lesson learned, now move on and find a new girl." But the other part of me thinks, "Maybe if SHE fixed some things in her personal life as well, we might be able to make this work this time." I realize this would require eventually breaking NC, but in the case that needing to correct some small things in your life was a big part of the breakup, wouldn't it be worth a try at some point after making sure that you really did address the issues that you needed to fix for yourself?
Diver012 Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 A lot of times the memory of what happened is enough to keep the connection from ever being the way it was before. Im not saying its impossible, but not likely. What usually happens is we now have an on again, off again relationship. I have known people that split up, and got back together and are now married. I also know people that wrecked themself trying to make something work that just didnt work at all. Its a gamble, and every situation is different. I personally dont think that I could go back to an ex that dumped me with the intent of working things out. That offer should have been layed out on the table before the breakup. If my Ex really cared that much about US and the relationship, then there should have been a serious sit down discussion on what was going wrong. Instead, I got the suprise call at the office. Nah!! No thanks. Any changes I make in my life as a result of self-examination, is none of her business. I will use my past experience with her, for another womans benefit. Screw her and the horse she road away on.
Chinook Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 After reading a lot of the posts on LS, I almost wish they'd never come up with the whole text messaging thing! People say they're going to do NC, and then end up texting 20 times in one day. It's just too easy to text and totally blows the concept behind NC. I got around that one dead easy. Dumped the mobile phone and didn't replace it. Life is a hell of alot more peaceful now.
lebowski24 Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I got around that one dead easy. Dumped the mobile phone and didn't replace it. Life is a hell of alot more peaceful now. I've actually posted this in other topics as well, but what I did was delete her number from my cell phone, so that I can't possibly text her. I still have her number written down and stashed in my desk at work (I don't believe in cutting off ALL possibility of ever being able to contact someone you care about) so that if I ever decided again it's the right time to call, I can. The great thing about leaving her number at work is that it's not like I'm going to call her from there and make fool of myself in front of my coworkers, so it remains untouched. But when I'm drunk at the bar or out somewhere, I have no possible way to text or call her. I think what screwed me over was the ability to send an email...
jimmy20013 Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I agree with Mr.Pot. My gf dumped me 2 months ago and I did the I can't live without you thing for about a month. I think this made her take me for granted and she insulted me in every possible way. Finally, I decided to establish NC and my life has changed dramatically. Yes, I hurt every now and then, sometimes at days together but its better than having to lose your self-esteem and respect. I would rather bear the pain than the shame.
lord_alessi Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 guys, i'm glad i'm not the only one who seems to have suffered the surrogate boyfriend syndrome. turns out, there are a ton of other nice guys out there suffering the same. anyway, i wasn't dumped by my GF. instead, i withdrew and went on NC for months. this was after she started dating one of these pretty boys from a well-to-do family (actually, from a line of corrupt senators). she couldn't help but talk about this other guy when we were together. i called it quits and told her not to contact me. we went on and off for about 8 months. then i just realized a few weeks ago that i wasn't playing the NC to win game. i totally ignored all her messages (90 percent of the time she was the one contacting me). this girl is a single mom and her parents are actually quite capable of supporting her. so what's a poor shmuck like me hoping to do to make this girl happy? humor? yes, but at least for a few months until she finds a boring pretty boy driving an SUV. me? i take the train along with the other humans. so now, like you guys, i'm doing the NC game. i don't deserve to be turned into a sounding board for this girl to tell me how she made out with the other guy. the less i know about her, the more i feel better about myself. cheers to us good guys
Mollyanna Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 After reading a lot of the posts on LS, I almost wish they'd never come up with the whole text messaging thing! People say they're going to do NC, and then end up texting 20 times in one day. It's just too easy to text and totally blows the concept behind NC. OH yeah, I have been thinking that too. I never even text messaged anyone regularly until I met him and now I can't stop myself.
Guest Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 i couldnt relate more to this situation and couldnt have said any of this better myself....good job!
LaraV Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 cheers to us good guys Yes! Cheers to you, good guys!!! (I'm a female, btw...)
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