LeftOutsideAlone Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Hi All, Need some advice please, my bf of 3 months has been planning a holiday since before we met, he is going on a 10 night Carribean cruise (which was organised when we first got together) with a good friend of his who happens to be a girl.. This girl doesnt know i exist because "they dont talk about stuff like that"... As much as I trust him, I am jealous/insecure about them sharing a cabin together, getting drunk together and spending every moment of the 10 days together.. When i ask him if anything has every happened between them he says no it hasnt they are just good friends.. She has had a crush on him, but he doesnt like her in that way.. He said i shouldnt be concerned with her as he has no feelings whatsoever??? Can guys and girls just be friends in this situation??? And would love to hear anyone else who has been in a similar situation as this and how they coped???
tikigods Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 He hasn't mentioned you to a girl that he is going to be going on a cruise with? I say run and run fast cause this guy is just going to break your heart
Author LeftOutsideAlone Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Oh.. i was hoping someone would say I should trust what he says!!!!
allina Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Ok, I think of myself as a very calm, not at all jealous girl, but I would not be okay with that at all! I understand that these plans were made before you two were together, and I don't think he should have to back out of the vacation BUT him not mentioning you to her is not good. I would expect him to introduce you to her as his GF, 'not talking about these things' is BS. Looks like he's not talking about these things so he can get some from her on his cruise. Also it's just him and her going together?? That's pretty odd for a non couple to do, I could understand if a few other friends were going as well but just the two of them?? This is all sorts of wrong.
allina Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I'm confused, do you have two diff names on LS? Why don't you talk to him?? If you want her to know that you are his GF, you have the right to tell him so. If there are questions you have or things that you wish to clear up with him speak up. And if he's not honest or willing to be respectful it's better that you find out now than in a year.
Author LeftOutsideAlone Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Allina, I wasnt okay with it, but then we had a long talk about it, and I decided I understood and would trust him.. I just dont know... Its just the two of them going.. I know who she is as she works in the coffee shop i buy my coffee from before work every morning.. She has no idea who i am.. I sometimes think i should mention myself being with him to her just in a casual way, not nasty or anything.. but then i feel that would be going behind his back.. What would you suggest..?? i want to trust him, I really do.. i like this guy a great deal, he has always been open and honest with me. What do you suggest, ditch him now? or trust him and see what happens?
tikigods Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I say introduce yourself to her, why would you feel you are going behind his back? If he honestly "doesn't talk to her about things like that" it will be great that you took the step to do so. But I think you are on the fast track to hurtsvile
Author LeftOutsideAlone Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 He's very honest with me, he hates confrontation though.. He hates me asking silly little questions which I ask just to find out things in a round about way. I just like this guy so much, I know he cares about me, but i guess in a way he doesnt respect my feelings if he is going on a cruise with another girl.
purspeed Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Just make sure he uses condoms. (Oh, if you want me to spell it out: he is going to bang this girl sillie on this cruise, probably make a few porno's, post 'em online, then come on here to brag about it...) And, the sad part is, I wish I was joking...
allina Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Also, I'm confused about something. Lets pretend that he's being honest and isn't planning on hooking up with her, he's still disregarding your feelings. What will happen after he comes back from this vacation?? You won't say a word in hopes that he stays with you. By not speaking up and standing up for yourself you are pretty much telling this guy that he can do as he pleases without any consequences.
tikigods Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 you need to have more respect for yourself then to just let a guy walk all over you because you like him
littlekitty Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Ok, I think of myself as a very calm, not at all jealous girl, but I would not be okay with that at all! I understand that these plans were made before you two were together, and I don't think he should have to back out of the vacation BUT him not mentioning you to her is not good. I would expect him to introduce you to her as his GF, 'not talking about these things' is BS. Looks like he's not talking about these things so he can get some from her on his cruise. Also it's just him and her going together?? That's pretty odd for a non couple to do, I could understand if a few other friends were going as well but just the two of them?? This is all sorts of wrong. I think Allina hits the nail on the head here. You don't go away with an opposite sex friend on a cruise alone together. Especially when: a) You have a girlfriend b) The other girl doesn't know about your girlfriend Something smells fishy to me!! My SO would never disrespect me like this, nor me him.
francis Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 The huge red flag is that she doesnt know about you. Another is that he hates confrontation, getting irritated when you ask him questions. To be going away together, it suggests that the two are close friends. It suggests that the only reason he would hide the fact he has a girlfriend would be because he wants to keep his options open with this girl. I am sorry that you are in this situation. He is clearly not thinking about you or your feelings. The thing is, you'll only have his word for it that nothing ever happened between them while they are away. My advice is to perceive your relationship with this guy as very casual. Date others, keep your options open, and seriously think about considering your alternatives. Personally, I would find another guy, that would choose to put my feelings first, rather than risk our relationship. I wouldnt want to be the fool that is being taken for a ride.
Author LeftOutsideAlone Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Thanks everyone for your comments, I guess I just have to wait and see what happens with all of this. I dont know what to do. I think I am even more confused now than what i was before.
Walk Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I think you're asking for heart ache staying with this guy. He hates confrontation so he keeps things hidden, doesn't see any problem with spending 10 days sleeping with another woman, won't tell the other woman he's supposedly committed to you, and wants you to be okay with it.... hmmmm.... I think at the very least, I would insist that he introduce me to this "friend" of his. And do so as his "Girlfriend", not just "hi, this is X. bye." An outward statement of his commitment to you, and maybe some time for you and this "friend" to talk and get acquainted. If he really has no romantic interest in her, then he shouldn't have a problem with this. If he puts up a resistance to it, then I would think he's hiding something. His actions aren't backing up his words. And actions are far more truthful then any amount of words will be. I think you need to end the relationship if he's unwilling to introduce you to this friend. You can trust his words as much as you would like, but his actions are saying something completely different. Trust the actions. Anyone can say words. If you don't have something concrete to hold onto while he's gone, then nothing he says after he comes home will ever ease your doubts enough to allow you to set those feelings of insecurity aside. The rest of the relationship will be tainted by this. A relationship is supposed to be built on trust, (not blindly trusting) and you build that trust through actions and words that all say the same thing. He's sending two very different messages. His mouth says trust him... his actions say don't. Listen to the actions.
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