Dating a separated woman

[everybody_chill]

Hi, thanks for reading. I am just looking for some honest advice here on the best way to proceed.

 

I met a beautiful woman last weekend and we have been almost inseperable since. I saw her sitting at the bar and I just walked over and said hello. It went from there.

 

It turns out that she is married, but legally separated. She was married for 10 years and has been separated for only six months. Her Husband left her to be with a stripper. They have a 10 year old son. He is not her ex's biological sone but he adopted him.

 

It gets worse though....

 

She has two part time jobs at both of which he is the owner. So they work together constantly.

 

On our first date he called her like 10 million times (she did not answer).

 

Tonight we decided to do our own thing but we talked on the phone for a while. One of her ex's businesses is a type of company where you can do background checks on a person. She said that he ran a background check on me and gave it to her! I have nothing to hide and no criminal history what so ever - so that does not bother me. At the same time, I am very freaked out that he did that. I still do not know what to think about it.

 

Saturday we have spent every evening together. We have not slept together, but have been physical.

 

Besides the obvious baggage, I do really like this girl. We have great conversation and I am very attracted to her. But that is what scares me. I realize her situation and I don't want to come on to strong or become attached to a doomed proposition.

 

I am not sure how to proceed. My thought was to proceed like I am oblivious to these negative things (so that things could play out naturally). But the fact remains that I will have to face these issues with her some day. I hate the fact that she still works with her ex and has no desire to find another job. I am also freaked by the background check thing, it's just the idea of it that freaks me out.

 

It seems like this guy is still way too much apart of her life. I don't want to ruin a chance of a good thing though.

 

Help!

[BareGoddess]

Well first off, I'd let the background check thing go. Maybe he was concerned because you're around their child? Who knows. No big deal.

 

As for the issue of her working for/with him. Do they see each other all the time? You need to talk to her about this. Has she brought up working elsewhere? You really need to talk to her.

[everybody_chill]

Thanks for responding Bare Goddess.

 

Yes, they do see each other a lot at work. She has no interest in finding another job. She does not make very good money (which is not a big deal to me) but it just seems weird that she would want to stay there for a measly $24k per year. But I guess she will have child support coming in too.....

 

She had lunch with him this past week. They ran into his current girl. I could not believe it but "N" (the girl i am dating) actually made it a point to talk to his current girlfriend. To me, that is strange and shows that she is still very jealous.

 

Things really came to a head yesterday. I did not hear from her since Friday afternoon, so I gave her a call. First, I called her on Friday evening. There was no answer and I did not leave a message. We had made plans for Saturday so I called her in the afternoon - no answer. I did not leave a message again, but I decided to hide my ID and call her again. She immediately answered. She told me she thought I was her ex and that is why she picked up. So I asked if she would have answered my call otherwise, she said that she did not have time to discuss it and she would call me back. She never did. So I called her back and she claims I am too posessive and that she is "not ready for a relationship".

 

I have never been called posessive before and it really bothers me. I was simply calling her to say hello because I was thinking about her. That totally blew me away. Things were going pretty good for us, she treated me well and I did the same for her.

 

So then her husband calls me and tells me to "leave his wife alone". I asked him why she is his wife all of a sudden. To make a long story short, he threated to kick my ass so I told him to bring it.

 

So that is where I am at right now - absolutely now where. I really liked this girl but it is over. I am just really sad about it. I had a lot of fun with her. I really think she is still hung up on her husband. They have only been separated 6 months. This guy is a real jerk but I can tell she still adores him. It seems like he has her right where he wants her. I feel bad and I wanted to try to help her get over the situation but she made her choice.

 

This is hard for me to admit, but I feel very sad and lonely. I always seem to have things blow up in my face like this. I just don't get it... here I am 29 years old and wanting to start a life with someone. It is just so difficult to find some one, and I feel i should not have to put up with this kind of crap.

 

Somehow she turned it all around on me and made me feel like crap about it. All i have now is just a memory of the good times we shared, and I feel like it is my destiny to be alone.

[sami]

This is not a healthy relationship. You need to move away from her for your own goodness. Wish you luck

[alphamale]

run...don't walk

[sami]

... as fast as you could to as far as your legs can take you.

[everybody_chill]

I know I should run away.

 

My thing is that I feel badly about it. I feel like I am a bad person and that no woman has interest in me.

 

I don't want a pity party, just some one to talk to.

 

Does what I did make me posessive? I was a bit anxious about the ex, but did I over react?

 

Like I said, it's like she turned it around on and made me out to be the bad guy. When some thing like this happens, I always tend to balme myself. I find myself scrutinizing every thing about me, good and bad.

 

Any idea what is going on in her head??

[BareGoddess]

I know I should run away.

 

My thing is that I feel badly about it. I feel like I am a bad person and that no woman has interest in me.

 

I don't want a pity party, just some one to talk to.

 

Does what I did make me posessive? I was a bit anxious about the ex, but did I over react?

 

Like I said, it's like she turned it around on and made me out to be the bad guy. When some thing like this happens, I always tend to balme myself. I find myself scrutinizing every thing about me, good and bad.

 

Any idea what is going on in her head??

 

She's obviously trying to work it out with her husband. You need to back off. She's not interested anymore. You're not posessive. Just human. You can find someone who is available. She's not.

[Craig]

Clue #1: Her soon to be ex calls her 10 million times and she doesn't answer. Is that how she handles things in life--by ignoring them?

 

Clue #2: She's married 10 years with a 10 year old son that isn't her husbands. What is the explanation for this?

 

Clue #3: Her husband leaves her for a stripper and she still gets calls from him and works at two of his businesses for less than she could possibly make elsewhere.

 

Clue #4: Her husband does a background check on you and gives it to her, she tells you about it. Knowing how some people feel about background checks on them (it is his business afterall) was this designed by him to freak you out?

 

Clue #4: Her husband calls you and tells you to stay away from his wife or he'll kick your ass. Well excuse me but what did his wife tell him you did or is he nuts as well?

 

This is one nutty situation that you do not want to be involved in. Think with the big head not the little one.

[everybody_chill]

Thanks for your posts.

 

I could really use some one to talk to! All I have right now is my parents.

 

 

thanks!

[everybody_chill]

She's obviously trying to work it out with her husband. You need to back off. She's not interested anymore. You're not posessive. Just human. You can find someone who is available. She's not.

 

Okay, that makes sense I guess. I am just confused why she would want to be with a guy that left her for a stripper.

 

it hurts me that she came on like a blow torch but is not interested anymore. I guess I have a habit of blaming myself.

 

I agree with your advice, it is just so sad because I did feel a connection with her and I know she did with me as well.

 

I don't know whay she handles it the way she is though.

[everybody_chill]

Thanks,

 

I am just really having a difficult time dealing with this. I realize I have only known her for a short time. I saw the potential for us to have something good. I know in my heart she felt a glimpse of it too.

 

Really sad today because I had high expectations.

[alphamale]

I know in my heart she felt a glimpse of it too.

I don't think so.

[everybody_chill]

I don't think so.

 

Wow, that is pretty harsh. How can you say that?

 

I could tell in her eyes and the way she touched and kissed me. I guess that meant nothing?

[BareGoddess]

Thanks,

 

I am just really having a difficult time dealing with this. I realize I have only known her for a short time. I saw the potential for us to have something good. I know in my heart she felt a glimpse of it too.

 

Really sad today because I had high expectations.

 

You just have to let it go and move on. It wasn't meant to be. Try not to dwell on it.

 

Why make yourself miserable? It's over. Nothing wrong with high expectations but they were misplaced in this case.

[everybody_chill]

You just have to let it go and move on. It wasn't meant to be. Try not to dwell on it.

 

Why make yourself miserable? It's over. Nothing wrong with high expectations but they were misplaced in this case.

 

I understand that it is over, that is why I am sad. The not dwelling on it part is easier said that done. I don't want to accept it, but I know that i have to.

 

It is difficult for me to explain but I really feel like crap about the whole situation.

[BareGoddess]

I understand that it is over, that is why I am sad. The not dwelling on it part is easier said that done. I don't want to accept it, but I know that i have to.

 

It is difficult for me to explain but I really feel like crap about the whole situation.

 

It wasn't real though. She was not in the same place emotionally as you are. Try to pick better next time.

 

Try not to be sad. It was good for awhile but it wasn't meant to be, that's all. It's not your fault. Don't be so hard on yourself. It happens to all of us at some time or another.

[BareGoddess]

You only knew her ONE week, right?

[everybody_chill]

I think my problem is that I have a conscience. I am sitting here thinking what I could have done differently.

 

The whole situation is very sad to me. It really got to me that she said I am posessive. All I did was call her and yes I got pissed because she did not answer my call (she answered because she thought it was her ex). Then she turns it around on me by making me out to be the bad guy.

 

Seems to me that she had to come up with something to pass blame. Do you think so?

 

I see a beautiful woman whom is letting her life be dictated to her by some one that abuses her emotionally.

 

Like I said, I know it was a short fling, but the concept of it all saddens me.

[everybody_chill]

You only knew her ONE week, right?

 

Yes it was only a week. I know that is a very short time. I am not saying I am in love with her, but I like her. We hit it off great and it ends up like this.

 

Maybe I did screw up by trying to move too fast. It just seemed right though. She was moving pretty quickly though too.

 

I should have backed off, let her persue me more. I should know these things by now. I got caught up and it blew up in my face.

[johan]

Here is what I think: you don't understand people at all, and you don't understand yourself. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but look at the facts.

 

You meet a woman and fall for her in the course of one week.

You get involved in an already-complicated situation with her not-yet-settled marriage.

You hang all your hopes on this person you know nothing about.

You feel heartbroken and hopeless when it ends.

You get into a confrontation with her husband.

 

Would you advise a friend to do any one of those things? Let alone all of them?

 

One week is not enough to develop love or even much hope. You can't really love someone you don't know, and you should know that. If there is not much chance for real love to have developed, then there's not a lot to feel heartbroken about.

 

And the last thing you want is to get into a war of words, or worse, with her husband. You need to respect yourself enough to stay out of love triangles. It's none of your business, and you're actually lucky to be free of that mess.

 

Your problem is not your broken relationship with her. It's your broken self-image. You have some fouled up beliefs about yourself and relationships. You need to work that out. This really has very little to do with her. It just brought this out in you. You should take this opportunity to examine it and make some changes that will actually make a positive difference in your life. You're holding yourself back in a bad way.

[everybody_chill]

You only knew her ONE week, right?

 

I am usually not that into a girl in such a short amount of time. This seemed different. Have you ever met someone and you just click and go crazy for each other immediately? That is how it was on both of our parts.

 

Yeah, that is part of my sadness. I can't make it more than a week with a girl it seems.

 

I also feel like there is something wrong with me that i got caught up so quickly. I think I pushed her away, even though I was jsut trying to be caring and sweet.

[everybody_chill]

Here is what I think: you don't understand people at all, and you don't understand yourself. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but look at the facts.

 

You meet a woman and fall for her in the course of one week.

You get involved in an already-complicated situation with her not-yet-settled marriage.

You hang all your hopes on this person you know nothing about.

You feel heartbroken and hopeless when it ends.

You get into a confrontation with her husband.

 

Would you advise a friend to do any one of those things? Let alone all of them?

 

One week is not enough to develop love or even much hope. You can't really love someone you don't know, and you should know that. If there is not much chance for real love to have developed, then there's not a lot to feel heartbroken about.

 

And the last thing you want is to get into a war of words, or worse, with her husband. You need to respect yourself enough to stay out of love triangles. It's none of your business, and you're actually lucky to be free of that mess.

 

Your problem is not your broken relationship with her. It's your broken self-image. You have some fouled up beliefs about yourself and relationships. You need to work that out. This really has very little to do with her. It just brought this out in you. You should take this opportunity to examine it and make some changes that will actually make a positive difference in your life. You're holding yourself back in a bad way.

 

Thanks for the advice. I do agree with you. Overall, I believe I am a well rounded guy.

 

As for changing, I don't know where to start or what to change. I did fall for her quickly. I have had several long relationships that started that way.

 

I have a positive image of myself, but you are right that when it comes to women I am weak. I screwed up for being so into her so quickly, it just felt right at the time and now I feel like total crap that I did.

 

I don't know what I should change other than to not get involved too fast. I never said I loved her, I guess i was just clinging to the hope that I found some one for me.

 

I don't want to be in a love triangle. And I do have a broken self image. The reason I feel like crap is that I am already blaming myself because I think I over reacted.

 

On the other hand, I feel like I did the right thing by confronting her.

 

Just sad - it's not only this instance but I have been through this over and over again with various women.

[BareGoddess]

I don't think you did ANYTHING to push her away! She was never going where you thought it was going. If she was as into you as you were, she wouldn't be avoiding you.

 

Stop trying to figure out what you did wrong to push her away. You did nothing to push her away. It was just a little fling to her. Nothing more.

[sami]

This woman used you to warm her ex up. She did that exercise successfully to your dismay. It sounds like you are dying for attention too. Try to look for love in the right places. Wish you luck in your future romantic adventures.