silentcharon Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 As I reflect upon the last few months, I realize I have come far in terms of healing and discovering who I am. When my ex left me, I decided not to do nc, as I loved him too much to cut him out of my life completely. I sat him down and told him that I wanted a second chance and why, then left it at that. I told him that I also wanted to remain friends with him, but for the time being, I'd give him the space he asked for. This was really tough for me because we shared so many mutual friends. It hurt especially when I found out there was an event I wasn't invited to just because he was there. It was the same for him, it hurt him to find out people didn't invite him because I was invited. I think it was because people were really unsure what to do, and how to act around us, more so, afraid of the drama that may happen at events. Gradually, we both started seeing more of each other at events, then started to hang out together by ourselves. At first it was strictly as friends only, but lately, if you've read my previous threads, he has been acting as if he wants to be more than that, minus the commitment. I had the keys to his house, and so on, he'd do things like, ask me if I was coming to bed only to have me tell him I'd sleep on the couch instead. I have been struggling to give him what he wants, space to figure out where he has gone wrong in his life. This wasn't easy on me when he was acting like that. I got diagnosed with ms, and at first, I didn't want to tell anyone until it was confirmed. Later on, I told my family and a couple of my good friends. I knew that my ex would eventually find out, and he did. He was very hurt that I never told him about it, I reminded him that, yes, he was my friend, but he did ask for his space. Since then, he has been very supportive, asking me if I needed anything on my bad days (I get very tired when I over do things now). Sometimes I'd tell him that I'll be all right, (there's another reason why I didn't want to tell him, was because I didn't want to depend on him), and he'd insist, "But I want to take care of you!" For a while now, I have been debating on whether to ask my ex out, because of how he has been acting towards me. I finally sat him down again, and asked him what he wanted out of this relationship. "I don't know, it's so hard, I love you so much but I don't know what I want." I reminded him that while I still loved him, my heart must go on. I need to know what was going on, so I can decide on a course of action so I can move on, regardless. I told him that I wasn't trying to force him to make up his mind, but I did want to figure out the mess we were in. I asked him if he was still in love with me, and he said yes, but he couldn't decide what he wanted to do. "Maybe we should do nc. I have moved on to a point where I can handle that, so I can fully move on. You need to either decide on what you want, and start moving on too. What we have been doing so far isn't fair to either one of us, we're not moving on." It broke my heart to tell him that, I could no longer be with him when he was still unsure. He said that he didn't want to do nc, and I had to insist on it, after asking him if he could stop acting the way he has been towards me only to have him say, "No, I love you too much, I just don't know what to do!" I left him crying on his couch, struggling not to cry. I got on my bike and pedalled the hell out of there, crying as I rode into the night. When I got home, I cried all night, questioning whether I did the right thing and the next morning, I felt right as rain. I know I did the right thing, I just could not handle wondering what he wanted from me every time I saw him, and not being able to do anything like flirt with someone else without feeling like I was betraying him. I don't know what will happen next, I told him that when he feels ready to talk to me, I'd be here. Until then, he should not contact me at all. In some ways I feel like I'm back at square one, but I know I did the right thing. I have finally let him go, and that is the greatest gift I can give the man I love.
Diver012 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I admire your strength and convictions. I am sorry for your loss, no endings are ever good or completely clean, but I think, under very difficult circumstances, handled yourself and your Ex, with the utmost respect, and dignity. I pray one day, just one day, I will find someone with those kind of values. I salute you!!
witabix Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I also salute your respect and dignity. You are an excellent example of how to handle your own life, with control and forthrightness. Respect.....
magichands Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I have finally let him go, and that is the greatest gift I can give the man I love. Heartbreaking stuff. But my assessment is that if he really does love you, then he would know what to do. What IS there to think about??!! Or maybe love really is a decision. Still, you gave him more than enough time to come to his senses. Good luck!!!!
Author silentcharon Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Heartbreaking stuff. But my assessment is that if he really does love you, then he would know what to do. What IS there to think about??!! Or maybe love really is a decision. Still, you gave him more than enough time to come to his senses. Good luck!!!! Thanks everyone. I'd like to think he'd know what to do, but under the circumstances, I don't exactly blame him. We were each others' first loves, and it lasted for seven years, from 15, 16 years old teenagers to 22 and 23 year old adults. He has been struggling with trying to decide what to do about schooling and his credit card debts, he felt it would be best if he tried working on those things without having me to worry about, among other things. I miss his company so far, I think it's to be expected with nc, but I feel a lot better doing what I had to do however hard it was. I really did try to be friends with him, but I couldn't do it when he was being indecisive, it made it harder for both of us to move on. Who knows, we may cross paths again and decide that the timing is right and try again one day. Maybe I'll find someone else, I don't know. I can only hope for the best, for myself and my own future. For everyone else who is struggling with nc, remember that it is probably for the best and you WILL find someone who will love you unconditionally some day. Think about your own future, only YOU can determine your happiness- never, never depend on someone else for your own happiness, it has to come from within. This were one of the lessons I had to learn. And don't forget, smile, you never know, it may brighten someone's day up!
KittenMoon Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I'd like to think he'd know what to do, but under the circumstances, I don't exactly blame him. We were each others' first loves, and it lasted for seven years, from 15, 16 years old teenagers to 22 and 23 year old adults. Or maybe love really is a decision. Still, you gave him more than enough time to come to his senses. Besides experiencing it myself, I keep seeing this situation all over these boards! I guess love is love... but timing is everything. >sigh< P.s. Silent- just curious- is your ex hearing?
Author silentcharon Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 Besides experiencing it myself, I keep seeing this situation all over these boards! I guess love is love... but timing is everything. >sigh< P.s. Silent- just curious- is your ex hearing? Yep, he's hearing. He really did go out of his way to learn how to talk to me, that's one of the reasons why he was wonderful. He tried his best to interpret for me at events and everything. blah.
KittenMoon Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Yep, he's hearing. He really did go out of his way to learn how to talk to me, that's one of the reasons why he was wonderful. He tried his best to interpret for me at events and everything. blah. Too bad you couldn't move to my area- thriving deaf culture. Lots of hearing people sign at least a bit. I used to but forget most of it. One of the deaf guys I went to school with I would have loved to "communicate" with, if you get my drift. Actually, all the girls were madly in love with him, and he didn't realize it until someone told him. Wonder where he got himself off to....
Author silentcharon Posted July 15, 2006 Author Posted July 15, 2006 Too bad you couldn't move to my area- thriving deaf culture. Lots of hearing people sign at least a bit. I used to but forget most of it. One of the deaf guys I went to school with I would have loved to "communicate" with, if you get my drift. Actually, all the girls were madly in love with him, and he didn't realize it until someone told him. Wonder where he got himself off to.... You would have dated a deaf guy if you had the opportunity? That's cool! I often wonder how "normal" people would look past the disablities and date people with disabilities. Do they experience hesitation at first? Things like that, just my mind wandering. Where do you live? I asked you that in the other thread where we started talking about my deafness and the school you used to go to, but you never replied. My guess is that you're probably somewhere in washington D.C.?
Author silentcharon Posted July 15, 2006 Author Posted July 15, 2006 by the way, if you're not comfortable posting such information on this public thread, you can pm me if you like
KittenMoon Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I know where I am and where I went to school, being deaf or heard of hearing was often not a deaf-breaker. It didn't happen A LOT but i knew several deaf or HOH / hearing couples in my four years. There were quite a few married couples as well in the older ranks of the alumni, staff, etc of the school. silent- when you get PM privs I'll tell you where I am from keep posting!
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