mattea Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 my b/f and i have been together about 8 months. we're both in our 30s. we're in love and have said as much to each other. my problem is that i want us to be a couple, not just dating - i want a partnership. i'd also like to know that at some point in the future (not now, but not 5 years from now either) he wants a relationship that's more than just seeing each other a few times a week. i want us to share a life. it seems like A LOT of people we know are taking steps to build lives together, move in together, buy houses together, get married, etc. or they are already there. i want that in my life too. when i moved into a new place a few months ago, i signed a year lease. by the time that lease is up, if we're still together we will have been together 1 1/2 years. i mentioned something about "when i move out" and he said maybe i'd be happy there for years. i guess a future where we might marry/cohabitate isn't even on his radar? i know the relationship is still relatively young, but i don't want to be putting my heart & soul into this relationship, hoping it will become more of a partnership if he just likes it the way it is. am i rushing things? should i talk to him about this? sometimes i feel like he still likes to act like a single person. sometimes i feel as if he wants to have the benefits of having a girlfriend without the responsibility of a partnership when he wants the "freedom" of being single.
Sapiens Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 i want us to share a life. it seems like A LOT of people we know are taking steps to build lives together, move in together, buy houses together, get married, etc. or they are already there. i want that in my life too. can you say status seeker.... when i moved into a new place a few months ago, i signed a year lease. by the time that lease is up, if we're still together we will have been together 1 1/2 years. i mentioned something about "when i move out" and he said maybe i'd be happy there for years. i guess a future where we might marry/cohabitate isn't even on his radar? LOL, I think you are right. i know the relationship is still relatively young, but i don't want to be putting my heart & soul into this relationship, hoping it will become more of a partnership if he just likes it the way it is. You know, it sounds like you are more concerned with you bio clock than loving him for him.. am i rushing things? should i talk to him about this? sometimes i feel like he still likes to act like a single person. sometimes i feel as if he wants to have the benefits of having a girlfriend without the responsibility of a partnership when he wants the "freedom" of being single. Yes you are, like a brakeless freight train.. But then again, I am a Man. So, follow your gut instinct. -Sapiens
BareGoddess Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Mattea, I don't think you're unrealistic in your expectations at ALL at your age. Have you spoken to him about it? Why waste time with someone who doesn't want what you want, no matter how great he is. I think you should lay your cards out on the table. I wouldn't make demands but I"d tell him what you expect to happen and see what he says. I think it's a little unusual that you haven't yet discussed this. His little comment about your being happy where you live for years should have been the catalyst for such a discussion. I will say that it my opinion, the fact that at this point you haven't even discussed what your future desires are, says a lot about your relationship. Do you see where I"m going with that? Are you very close? Does he open up to you readily in other ways?
CrazyJ Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Hi, I just want to say i am going through exactly what you are at the moment.. I have been with the guy i am seeing for 8 months as well, and he is just happy seeing each other with no real commitment, i have mentioned to him a few times that i would like to be more like a proper gf/bf rather than just be "dating".. His comments to me where at this time in my life you are not my number one priority (his priority was travelling which he is doing now, which i new about when we got together) so until he has that out of his system he can not even think about making a commitment like that to me... He says he cares... but yet.. i feel that after 8 months someone should know whether they want to be serious with you or not??? This is just how i feel.. and yet i can't bring myself to break away from this guy as he is just a great guy.... So i guess i am not really helping you here, but just saying that i am in the same situation... and am interested in what people have to say about this.. some people tell me he obviously cares otherwise he wouldnt be spending time with you!!!
BareGoddess Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Crazy, your situation is different than Mattea's because you know where you stand with your b/f. He's been up front with you and now it's YOUR decision whether to wait and see if he'll commit or not. Mattea has NO idea really where her b/f stands, as I understand it.
norajane Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Mattea, have you ever had any general conversations with him about marriage and family and whether he sees himself getting married some day, whether that's what he wants in his life? Is he afraid of marriage, does he look at his married friends and think, "that's what I want in my life?" Understanding his views on marriage - not to YOU - just in general, can give you some context for your thoughts.
Author mattea Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 thanks, everyone! ok, maybe i should just let what sapiens said go, but i just think it was unfair. my b/f and i hang out with a lot of couples who have built or are building lifes together. they talk about their lives together, i.e. working on the garden together or taking trips or working on house projects, etc. why is it "status seeking" that having this kind of partnership where you share you life and home with someone sounds appealing to me? anyway, as to the other advice/questions. we have talked about relationship desires in sort of vague ways. at one point i asked if he wanted a partnership in his life and he said yes. recently when i was frustrated i told him i didn't really feel like a couple and he said that made him sad and he wants our relationship to become closer and more intimate as time goes on. of course, someone pointed out that i don't know exactly where he stands on marriage/cohabitation/ect. himself. it's true. he seems to view his friend's committed relationships/marriages very positively, but i shouldn't make assumptions on what *he* wants in his life based on that stuff. he sees our realtionship as "serious", but hasn't been in a serious relationship for 4 years and admits being a bit scared. so i appreciate the advice to just come out and be direct. we do need to talk. i am always afraid that he's going to think i'm trying to push for those things to happen *now*, which i am not because i am not ready to live together or get married at this point. i just want to know that we're both wanting the same things in the long run.
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