Speaking As The Wife

[justice]

Like I stated before, there are all different types of this situation and I agree that ow's can be victimized too. But when the situation is what it is in my case, I mean damn!! I'm sorry for your losses and I've had cancer too so I do know what you went through there. (mine was sucessfully removed) Life is never easy and especially not when you have people like my ow and your op in the world!! Hugs and hopes that you continue to get better.

[justice]

Thank you so much!

[bunset]

Justice,

 

I am truly sorry to hear what the OW has done to you. She needs help.

This is also a cautionary tale to all men who may consider cheating. That OW could be unbalanced.

As for the position of BS, it must be painful. I know that if I still wished to remain with my H, I would have to let the pain go. I could not hold the OW responsible, unless she continued to cause direct pain.

My H would have to make the sacrifices and reparations. But I would also have to adjust my view, in order to remain with a man that was different than the one I made my original commitment to.

Because truly, betrayal means that someone has done something that was not part of the 'package deal" that you agreed to. So it changes.

[Guest]

very interesting looking at this from the 'other side', and a very good open and honest post. also brings to mind the other posts about why the wife stays with a cheating H after finding out.

 

i recently ended an A with a MM, (i am not married but in a long term relationship). both of us knew each others situations from the outset, and it was definately not something i had done before, or even considered. MM made all the moves, and i offered him every get out clause i could, even though i didn't want to end things (and being fully aware when it started that it was something neither should be doing).

 

when his wife found out, i did feel sick inside (and still do 6 months later) knowing what i have done to somone else. however, again, it takes two to tango, and MM kept in contact with me long after his wife thought it was all over. the whole A situation is probably one of the worst things you can ever do to someone, at the time, you just don't think about the consequences and the fallout. I guess at the end of the day, one of you has to do the right thing and think of others, not yourself, and stop contact.

 

will think of this post when i feel sorry for myself that A ended and when tempted to contact MM!!!!!

[amaysngrace]

Don't know if I can. You never know what your a capable of until you are placed in that position.

 

I hadn't realized you were in the forgiving phase. My bad. I wasn't implying people should remain angry at all. It's all just part of the healing, as I see it. But you sound like you're doing okay.

 

I'm just concerned because I think you deserve better. Everyone does.

 

The way I see it, I could never be with a married man. I think a man who would cheat on his wife is a creep. And why would I wanna be with a creep?

 

Maybe he picked this up about you too, which is why he lied about being married?

 

I was just wondering, in five years, you never once suspected he was married? How did he ever pull that off?

[My_Other_I]

I'm not saying OW are guilt free, but do you really think that the OW could have prevented this? Do you really think that she was the only woman in the whole world your hubby decided to cheat with, and therefore it's her fault?

He chose to cheat and she chose to be there for him. It's 50/50.

I wish things were as simple as you described them. Usually, As do not start as an innocent flirting episode with a MM. There is a lot of thinking involved, lots of hardship, lots of emotions before OW makes that decision. Not a good decision, obviously, but it doesn't 'just happen'.

Also, OW don't walk around guilt free. When s*** hits the fan, OW have few options. Freak out and break windows, continue the A, or move on. In the 'move on' stage OW work on their lives, as well as the married couple does. Yes, I agree that the extend of damage is not as great as what the married couple endures, but it is a long and painful recovery as well.

When OW moves on, she forgives herself for screwing MM, hopefully learns and goes on with her life.

If you really want to get pass that, you need to see your H for who he is and forget about the OW. She is of no importance to you at this point. You need to realize that you H is an adult who made his concious decision - he wasn't an innocent bystander who was seduced by a wicked OW. Overall, he was hiding it from you for a long time and denying it even after you found out, wasn't he? He knew what he was doing and he knew it was wrong. He knew it would hurt you, but was selfish enough to keep playing till he couldn't anymore.

I wish you more peace and comfort in your life soon, I really hope you can deal with that. I know you cannot forget, but try to forgive - for your own sake.

Dreams and lives have been shattered and now it's time to build new ones from the scratch. You and you only know if you can do it.

[amaysngrace]

I'm not saying OW are guilt free, but do you really think that the OW could have prevented this?

 

When OW moves on, she forgives herself for screwing MM, hopefully learns and goes on with her life.

 

I think OW should smarten up before entering into this scenario. JMO

 

I just don't see the sense. Isn't it undignified for someone to get involved with a man who won't close a chapter in their life before entering the next chapter with you? Why don't you insist on that?

 

I just don't get it. It's like a BIG RED FLAG.

 

Do you go in because you need drama for some reason? Possibly because it's been instilled in you somewhere that this is normal?

 

I'm not trying to pass judgment, please don't be offended. I'm just curious to know the psyche behind the mindset.

[UnknowingOW]

I hadn't realized you were in the forgiving phase. My bad. I wasn't implying people should remain angry at all. It's all just part of the healing, as I see it. But you sound like you're doing okay.

 

I'm just concerned because I think you deserve better. Everyone does.

 

The way I see it, I could never be with a married man. I think a man who would cheat on his wife is a creep. And why would I wanna be with a creep?

 

Maybe he picked this up about you too, which is why he lied about being married?

 

I was just wondering, in five years, you never once suspected he was married? How did he ever pull that off?

 

Once, 5-years ago. And he said no. His marriage is 30+ years. When we met they were separated, and in the process of D. I moved and he went back later. They've been off and on for many years, and have gone though MC many times.

 

We have been friends for years, only seeing each other once in a while. Never stepping over the line until just recently. Yet we talk daily.

 

He lied because he was afraid to lose our friendship. He knew I would have never gotten into a relationship with him had I known he was married. He knew my past...my D and how I felt about truth and trust.

 

Both of us work in a manner which has us traveling all over the world. So being in the same place at the same time is never going to happen unless it's planned.

[scarletletter]

In my past experiences, I have found one thing to be true. Most MM lie! They lie about everything. Even when they are discovered, they will try to lie about it being the OW's fault. It is unfortunate that your MM (speaking to justice) not only chose to have the affair but chose a woman who is clearly unstable and a bit psycho. Did he make her that way with telling her everything she wanted to hear and then pull the rug out from under her when he got caught? Do you think that if he didn't get caught that he would still be in the relationship? It is a very complex situation and I do agree that many OW do persue the MM, but many do not. The MM is the persuer MOST of the time.

[stillafool]

Wow Justice, that's rotten what happened to you. I didn't get a chance to read this entire thread but I agree with amayngrace that the W puts too much emphasis on the OW. Your covenant and commitment is with your H not the OW so unless the OW is contacting you or causing abuse,your concern should be on the H. He's the one who is mistreating you. He is the one who is cheating on you. There is always going to be temptation out there for people who want to cheat. You have to get to the root of your problem and that is your cheating spouse.

[My_Other_I]

I think OW should smarten up before entering into this scenario. JMO

 

I just don't see the sense. Isn't it undignified for someone to get involved with a man who won't close a chapter in their life before entering the next chapter with you? Why don't you insist on that?

 

I just don't get it. It's like a BIG RED FLAG.

 

Do you go in because you need drama for some reason? Possibly because it's been instilled in you somewhere that this is normal?

 

I'm not trying to pass judgment, please don't be offended. I'm just curious to know the psyche behind the mindset.

 

AIGrace, it's hard to understand unless you've been on either side. (And you quoted me out of contest, too:p ). You couldn't fully understand why OW become OW, just like OW don't fully understand what BS go through. Unless you are one, you cannot fully relate. I doubt that many of us, OW or former ones, understand what really happened.

I agree with what you've said about the decision making.

I wasn't implying that the guilt goes away later, either. It goes when you own your behavior and come to terms with what's been done. When you accept your past and work on finding out the reasons for messing up.

Does this make more sense now?

Affairs are exciting, addicting and emotinal. It's easy to fall into it but hard to give it up.

I hope this helps a little to understand better the mentality of OW, MM and As. There is no excuse, but there is an explanation. Somewhere.

[My_Other_I]

In my past experiences, I have found one thing to be true. Most MM lie! They lie about everything. Even when they are discovered, they will try to lie about it being the OW's fault. It is unfortunate that your MM (speaking to justice) not only chose to have the affair but chose a woman who is clearly unstable and a bit psycho. Did he make her that way with telling her everything she wanted to hear and then pull the rug out from under her when he got caught? Do you think that if he didn't get caught that he would still be in the relationship? It is a very complex situation and I do agree that many OW do persue the MM, but many do not. The MM is the persuer MOST of the time.

 

So true! You can repeat that over and over again but the wives will never believe you. They don't want to believe you. It's easy to blame someone else. It's easy to hate the other person then the one you share your life with. It's easy to believe that what you believed your husband was is not what he really is.

Most of MM are skilled liars, fooling their Ws and mistresses at the same time.

I still say that even though MM do the majority of work, OW have the choice to leave or not to get involved. So in the end it still take two to tango and shame on us for alowing them to suck us into their world of deception and betrayal, and to be a part of someone elses misery.