Speaking As The Wife

[justice]

This is not intended to offend anyone.

I just wanted some of the other women here to know how it feels to be the wife and the one who is betrayed. It is the worst kind of pain you will ever know in your whole life. All these years we give ourselves wholly and honestly to our husbands believeing them and trusting in them not to lie to us. And then we find out about you. Put yourselves in our places for just awhile, how would you feel to find out that your lifemate, the one who committed whole heartedly to you is now sleeping with someone else? In my case it has nearly destroyed a whole family. My husband, yes, we are still married because he admits he made a mistake, lies awake at nights with his stomach hurting, knowing that I don't trust him anymore, knowing that he is the one who brought on the pain. And you. You live completely guilt free most of the time, not caring about how much suffering you have brought into someone's life who has not done you any harm. In my case the ow was married also. I threatened to go to her husband armed with the cell bills that proved everything I had to say, I even told her I was going to file a restraining order against her because my husband wanted to work things out with me and really did regret what he did to us, and what did she do? She broke out the back window of my car!! I had pictures of my husband and her together. Please to all the other women out there, us wives are not the bad guy in some cases, please think before you start what you think is a harmless flirtation with married men. It hurts people and destroys lives. ARe you ready for the consequences? And the knowledge that you could have stopped or prevented something so destructive? LOOK IN YOUR MIRROR and clean up your act!!

[Buttaflyy]

Great thread. It's about time that the O/W is not pacified. I hope someone will read this and take heed. Everyone likes to think or say "it just happened" it takes a certain type of woman to destruct a family and hurt another woman so deeply. It never just happens, If you never allow it.

[amaysngrace]

I can't understand why the OW here would break your window. Didn't she realize it will cost your husband money too? What a flake!

 

I think women who would go after a married man must have some wreckless disregard for themselves, so therefore, why should they care about you if they don't even care about themselves?

 

But I think husbands who cheat are equally as rotten.

[TheDiva]

This is not intended to offend anyone.

I just wanted some of the other women here to know how it feels to be the wife and the one who is betrayed. It is the worst kind of pain you will ever know in your whole life. All these years we give ourselves wholly and honestly to our husbands believeing them and trusting in them not to lie to us. And then we find out about you. Put yourselves in our places for just awhile, how would you feel to find out that your lifemate, the one who committed whole heartedly to you is now sleeping with someone else? In my case it has nearly destroyed a whole family. My husband, yes, we are still married because he admits he made a mistake, lies awake at nights with his stomach hurting, knowing that I don't trust him anymore, knowing that he is the one who brought on the pain. And you. You live completely guilt free most of the time, not caring about how much suffering you have brought into someone's life who has not done you any harm. In my case the ow was married also. I threatened to go to her husband armed with the cell bills that proved everything I had to say, I even told her I was going to file a restraining order against her because my husband wanted to work things out with me and really did regret what he did to us, and what did she do? She broke out the back window of my car!! I had pictures of my husband and her together. Please to all the other women out there, us wives are not the bad guy in some cases, please think before you start what you think is a harmless flirtation with married men. It hurts people and destroys lives. ARe you ready for the consequences? And the knowledge that you could have stopped or prevented something so destructive? LOOK IN YOUR MIRROR and clean up your act!!

 

 

If the OW is married you need to take the evidence to her husband, so he knows why you are taking a restraining order against her. She needs to own up to her husband instead of worrying about your marriage. Please do go ahead with the RO, cause she sounds like she's one fry short of a happy meal.

 

I hate to ask this, here and now, but WTH I am glutton for punishment I guess:lmao:

 

You live completely guilt free most of the time, not caring about how much suffering you have brought into someone's life who has not done you any harm.

 

Why is all that anger directed at his OW? Your husband did know he was married and he could have walked away at any point before deciding to cross the line with her and risk your marriage in the process.

 

I'm not trying to defend her, I just don't understand why all the anger is directed at the one that is usually the last to know about the marriage. If she knew before hand that he was married and proceeded with the relationship anyway then EWW, she may need professional help.

[Touche]

I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'm with the other poster. My husband has never cheated on me but if he did I'd be more mad at HIM than the OW!

[silktricks]

Why is all that anger directed at his OW? Your husband did know he was married and he could have walked away at any point before deciding to cross the line with her and risk your marriage in the process.

 

I'm not trying to defend her, I just don't understand why all the anger is directed at the one that is usually the last to know about the marriage. If she knew before hand that he was married and proceeded with the relationship anyway then EWW, she may need professional help.

 

Here are a few reasons why the wives get angry with the OW.

#1)in many cases they are very well aware that the man is married, they just don't care. In my particular case, the woman was very well aware that he was married. She set out to get him and worked him for 2 YEARS before it turned into an EA. She thought it was well on the way to a divorce when he stopped it and all contact with her a few months later.

 

(and what's the matter with all of these women who say they have no idea, anyway. . . FAR more men wear wedding rings than do not, and I'm sorry, but anyone who wears a wedding ring cannot just take it off and have the evidence on the ring finger disappear. A little observation may be in order.)

 

#2)when the man does realize that he's absolutely doing the wrong thing and tries to end it, they WON"T LET GO. The OW (again in my case) set out to attempt to reel him back in. She e-mailed, she called, she went to places he used to frequent. That went on for another year.

 

#3)the OW shows no remorse. They take no responsibility. They often take out THEIR anger on us. For example, breaking windows, or in my case, coming close to hitting me with her car.

 

As for not being as angry with our husband(s). First you've made a pretty rash assumption that we aren't. We are angry with our husbands, and we've dealt with our anger with him. He has shown his contrition, or we wouldn't be together anymore.

 

When you know, from other people who are aware of the situation, about the no-holds-barred attempt on the woman's part to ensnare your husband, it increases the responsibility on the part of the OW, and as a result increases our anger as well.

 

Of course the man should not have given in. Of course he was the married person and should have known better, but he is also the person we love, and raised children with, have promised our lives to. He is the person we intend to live the rest of our lives with. Because of the fact that we have dealt face-to-face with our husbands, have shown the depth of our pain and the level of our anger, and he is still with us, still trying to work it out, still wanting us, AND showing us the depth of HIS pain, we can more easily forgive him.

 

Forgiving the OW is a much more difficult, lengthy process, and sometimes never happens at all, which is unfortunate, because not forgiving is really only continuing to hurt the non-forgiver.

[TheDiva]

Here are a few reasons why the wives get angry with the OW.

#1)in many cases they are very well aware that the man is married, they just don't care. In my particular case, the woman was very well aware that he was married. She set out to get him and worked him for 2 YEARS before it turned into an EA. She thought it was well on the way to a divorce when he stopped it.

 

 

#2)when the man does realize that he's absolutely doing the wrong thing, they WON"T LET GO. The OW (again in my case) set out to attempt to reel him back in. She e-mailed, she called, she went to places he used to frequent. That went on for another year.

 

 

 

#3)the OW shows no remorse. They take no responsibility. They often take out THEIR anger on us. For example, breaking windows, or in my case, coming close to hitting me with her car.

 

 

 

As for not being as angry with our husband(s). First you've made a pretty rash assumption that we aren't. We are angry with our husbands, and we've dealt with our anger with him. He has shown his contrition, or we wouldn't be together anymore. (see #3 above)

 

When you know, from other people who are aware of the situation, about the no-holds-barred attempt on the woman's part to ensnare your husband, it places more of the blame on the OW, and as a result an increase of our anger as well.

 

Of course the man should not have given in. Of course he was the married person and should have known better, but he is also the person we love, and raised children with, have promised our lives to. He is the person we intend to live the rest of our lives with.

 

Because of the fact that we have dealt face-to-face with our husbands, have shown the depth of our pain and the level of our anger, and he is still with us, still trying to work it out, still wanting us, we can more easily forgive him. Forgiving the OW is a much more difficult, lengthy process.

 

 

#1. That's just sad! What kind of woman does it take to do something like that? I mean to really go after a married man relentlessly bespeaks to me of major commitment issues or something! And to not even mention not thinking about the wife!

 

 

#2. That is just insane. Brings to mind a psycho

 

 

#3 This one I can most understand {the BW's anger}. I think that the 'he made the commitment, not me. I am not responsible.' is just a cop out. And they blame the Wife for not allowing him to leave the marriage. ok I admit it I have someone in my RLE (real life experience) that I am thinking about here.

 

But as an EXOW,ages and ages ago, I didn't have the immediate guilt when I did find out he was married, but after I realized what I had done, was doing, and what the cause and effect were, I was really ..... I didn't feel anger at the wife though. Why should I be mad at her? I actually told her, face to face (years after A was over and long after their D) that I was sorry for my part of the A, and I sincerely was. As such I can't understand the anger the OW feels for the BW. It just kind of seems (maybe I am assuming too much here) that the one that deserves the most anger, gets the least anger. But I can see how the OW does get the anger from the BW.

 

I certainly didn't mean to imply that all BW's don't get angry at their WH's.

I was just speaking of what I read in the OP. I read it in a way that it was all the fault was of the OW, and WH was just a victim of the venomous OW. Truly I don't know the details of her situation, and that can very well be the case!

 

I have read your posts Silk, and I am sorry that what I said jerked your chain. You are one outstanding woman, I hope you know that. The OW you had to deal with belongs in some serious therapy! Thank you though for your prospective on my question. I know that I would want to try and work through my marriage if my husband strayed. I truely meant what I said in my vows, and would work toward 'til death do us part' no matter what.

 

I have to keep the faith that the average everyday human being doesn't mean harm to the ones they hurt. Is this too naive of me?

 

But I must say I do understand the anger with a woman who intentionally tries to "steal" a MM. I am blessed though, my H didn't even notice that an OW was trying to "steal" him away. He's a little oblivious that way at times. I noticed it because she is a member of my own extended family and has had three affairs in a row with different MM. So I knew what she was trying to do. It really boosted the confidence level in my marriage though.

[silktricks]

[quote=TheDiva;853633I have read your posts Silk, and I am sorry that what I said jerked your chain. You are one outstanding woman, I hope you know that. The OW you had to deal with belongs in some serious therapy! Thank you though for your prospective on my question. I know that I would want to try and work through my marriage if my husband strayed. I truely meant what I said in my vows, and would work toward 'til death do us part' no matter what.

 

I'm sorry if I came across harshly. I really don't think you jerked my chain in particular, but I did want to clarify why so often a BS does put some and often much blame on the OW/OM.

[Walking away]

I didn't know he was married.

 

I tried to leave to be repeatedly wooed back by him, and he would admit this to you if he were here.

 

I was the one who finally walked away...with a broken heart and a very vulnerable spirit.

 

HE is the one who still continues to contact me even though I do not respond.

 

All OW are NOT alike.

 

But, I am sorry for your pain. If I could erase it, I would. If I could have erased mine, I would have. HE is responsible for his wife and my pain. HIM. He is the only one who knew the truth. And he will suffer the consequences of it.

 

I am free of it, and you are right. The wife is the one left picking up the broken pieces.

 

I am truly sorry for your pain, but I truly didn't know he was married.

 

No excuse for my behavior, but just to clarify, there are women out there like me. We were the victims, too.

 

We were as much in the dark about you and you were about us.

[UnknowingOW]

This is not intended to offend anyone.

I just wanted some of the other women here to know how it feels to be the wife and the one who is betrayed. It is the worst kind of pain you will ever know in your whole life. All these years we give ourselves wholly and honestly to our husbands believeing them and trusting in them not to lie to us. And then we find out about you. Put yourselves in our places for just awhile, how would you feel to find out that your lifemate, the one who committed whole heartedly to you is now sleeping with someone else? In my case it has nearly destroyed a whole family. My husband, yes, we are still married because he admits he made a mistake, lies awake at nights with his stomach hurting, knowing that I don't trust him anymore, knowing that he is the one who brought on the pain. And you. You live completely guilt free most of the time, not caring about how much suffering you have brought into someone's life who has not done you any harm. In my case the ow was married also. I threatened to go to her husband armed with the cell bills that proved everything I had to say, I even told her I was going to file a restraining order against her because my husband wanted to work things out with me and really did regret what he did to us, and what did she do? She broke out the back window of my car!! I had pictures of my husband and her together. Please to all the other women out there, us wives are not the bad guy in some cases, please think before you start what you think is a harmless flirtation with married men. It hurts people and destroys lives. ARe you ready for the consequences? And the knowledge that you could have stopped or prevented something so destructive? LOOK IN YOUR MIRROR and clean up your act!!

 

First, I want to state...I know your pain. I have lived it. Although I ended my married 2-years afer the discovery of all my Ex H's affairs. I am single and have been for many years.

 

I am an OW, and not by choice. I had no idea he was married. I have known him for 5-years and the entire time I was told he was divorced.

 

He pursued me. He told me many times how much he loved me. He came to me, and after years of his pursuit, I finally gave in. Why, because I needed to be loved and I knew he loved me. A month after I had finally given him the all me; I learned of his marriage.

 

He never told me. I found out on my own. And if you don't think for one moment I don't feel terrible inside you are wrong. You are wrong to think the OW doesn't feel. I have been in your shoes. And now I'm in the others. I hate both places.

 

Both you and the OW are in love with the same man. Both you and the OW have been hurt by the same man.

 

I wish you the best and that you overcome your anger and pain and regain a healthy relationship.

[RealityCheck]

I for one have experienced the pain of my EX Husband's cheating a$$.

 

I have also experienced being an OW!

 

I have said this before and I will say this again! It was MY Husband that betrayed my love and trust! That HE made a committment to me! The OW had no knowledge that he was married until he had her hooked!

 

When I found out, he begged and crawled on his knees! I could not accept his betrayal and as far as I am concerned, HE destroyed the family and that alone told me he was not worth my loyalty, the children I birthed, the responsibilites or the TRUST I so lovingly gave to him freely.

 

I do understand the pain of being betrayed. Totally understand! It damn killed me! Forgiveness yes! Forget not! I could not ever look at him in the same light. I tried, and tried, cried and cried! Went to counseling, everything!

 

The fact remained, picturing myself in retirement with such a man was not something I could ever look back on in foundness. I knew he had ripped a piece of me that I would never get back! I left after one year.

 

I do wish you healing.

[amaysngrace]

I am an OW, and not by choice. I had no idea he was married. I have known him for 5-years and the entire time I was told he was divorced.

 

 

 

When you became the OW you didn't know. Now you know. Are you still with him?

 

It IS your choice.

[UnknowingOW]

When you became the OW you didn't know. Now you know. Are you still with him?

 

It IS your choice.

 

Yes it IS my CHOICE; now.

 

I have not seen him.

 

He is separated from his W, and has been since Nov 05.

 

He knows I will not be with him unless he is divorced...MY CHOICE

 

But the problem is, how does one shut off 5-years of feelings...you

cannot. Nor can the wife of X-years shut off her feelings either.

 

You cannot be crictial of another person actions or situation until you have walked in their shoes.

 

Not so easy now... but you learn how to heal yourself and move on. Just like you do when you learn you are the betrayed spouse. Forgive, try and work thru the issues in the relationship, and move on.

[TheDiva]

I'm sorry if I came across harshly. I really don't think you jerked my chain in particular, but I did want to clarify why so often a BS does put some and often much blame on the OW/OM.

 

Oh no worries, I didn't really take any of it to be harsh. I do appreciate you giving your POV on the question I posed.

 

 

I can understand the blame game well, and I think it all gets down to circumstance. Not all MM are horrible. Not all OW are evil temptresses. Nor are all the wives evil b's. I was just afraid my question was one of those types that makes you feel like I am judging your decision to stay and work on your marriage. I am pro marriage in a world that seems to be trying to discard marriage vows

[amaysngrace]

But the problem is, how does one shut off 5-years of feelings...you

cannot.

 

You can't shut off your feelings but you can change them.

 

With self-confidence, you can turn hurt into anger. If I were that hurt by someone I gave my love to, believe me, I'd be just as angry.

 

Don't you think you deserve to have someone in your life who isn't deceptive? I mean, this man hid a huge truth from you.

 

How on earth could you think to be with him ever again?

[justice]

TY. You know I truly believe it doesn't "just happen" either the H knows better or the OW. One of them knows from the very beginning. In my case, both knew. It's nice that I have some support here, this is a great site. Thank you for your input.

[justice]

She broke out the back window on my most cherished object, my 92 Camaro RS, 25th anniversary edition that I was lovingly peice by piece restoring. And she did it when I contacted her letting her know that I knew about her and H and telling her that all contact needed to stop or I was going to go to her H with the whole thing. She's a sick person, has tried to get me fired from my job, and several other things when my H told her no more between them. We found out she has a mental problem for which she was institutionalized for over two years. It's a scary world out there with people like this being in it.

[justice]

My anger is directed at both of them and not just one. But mostly at her because when he told her no more contact between the two of them and no more between she and I, she went ballistic. She didn't seem to give a crap what happened anymore, and yes, I did go ahead with the RO. She knew from the beginning that he was married, and still yet went ahead with the affair. I think she must not have any respect for anyone, nor for herself.

[UnknowingOW]

You can't shut off your feelings but you can change them.

 

With self-confidence, you can turn hurt into anger. If I were that hurt by someone I gave my love to, believe me, I'd be just as angry.

 

Self-confidence I have in abundance. Anger...why all the drama. I've already ridden the emtional roller coaster and came out forgiving. Like I said, I've been on both sides of the fence and the ONLY way to heal yourself is through forgiveness...real humility of the sitiutation.

 

Don't you think you deserve to have someone in your life who isn't deceptive? I mean, this man hid a huge truth from you.

 

I deserve what everyone else deserves...to be loved completely and to understand, with diginity and humility, there are flaws in everyone. People hide things in the life for many reasons. Fear is a huge driver. Everyone has hiddening something from someone due to fear.

 

How on earth could you think to be with him ever again?

Don't know if I can. You never know what your a capable of until you are placed in that position.

[justice]

I agree with pretty much everything you have stated here. It is a no win situation all the way around.

[justice]

I appreciate your insight on the OW's behalf, I've been trying to understand her POV also. I can understand it in the way you wrote it but I think the OW in my case just doesn't give a care about anyone including herself. When you found out, were you mad at the OP in your situation? I have alot of questions for the OW but don't have anyone to ask. Sometimes, I feel like if this had of been a one night stand it wouldn't have done as much damage. Still wrong but less meaningful. *sigh*

[UnknowingOW]

I agree with pretty much everything you have stated here. It is a no win situation all the way around.

 

Get into counseling. Work the issuses in your relationship...make the compensations to have a good marriage...and most of all forgive...but you will never forget.

 

As for the psycho get a restaining order against her...in my humble opinion.

[UnknowingOW]

I appreciate your insight on the OW's behalf, I've been trying to understand her POV also. I can understand it in the way you wrote it but I think the OW in my case just doesn't give a care about anyone including herself. When you found out, were you mad at the OP in your situation? I have alot of questions for the OW but don't have anyone to ask. Sometimes, I feel like if this had of been a one night stand it wouldn't have done as much damage. Still wrong but less meaningful. *sigh*

 

Everyone is different. I cannot explain her actions. Maybe your H knows why she is acting like this...but who really knows?

 

When I found out I was the BS? The OP told me. My Ex H did not say a word. What I realized was my Ex H had lied to me and the them. You can only believe what another person tells you within a relationship.

 

Questions can be asked, and I'll try to help you and be objective. Just be objective and understanding with me as well....you see, I do love him as he loves me; and am torn with my own confictions at this time.

 

Betrayal is betrayal. Be it one-night, EA, PA, OM/OW...

[justice]

I really wanted to thank all of you who replied to my thread. It helps to have different POV's from all sides in order to objectively see this thing as it is. I think this is a good place to come.

[Chinook]

Justice, like any given relationship and any given situation, each is very different. I think having read of your situation, it is completely understandable that you feel the way you feel. I'm afraid for me, this thread has only confirmed for me that alot of married men who do this are just plain lying cheating s***s. There is also the unwanted attentions of the occasional bunny boiler... as in your case.

 

For me, yes... I too have been the OW but I have to be honest, as soon as I found out I was... the guy was dumped. Mine is truly a horror story. I dated him for around 6-8 weeks spring 2005. I enjoyed his company. He was fun. More importantly, I trusted him and wanted to be with him. I'd ended a long term relationship the year before and it had taken me a long time to get to know people and trust them. I'd previously had cancer so I wanted to be sure that anyone I got involved with was truly worth my time and effort. This guy really treated me like a princess and made me feel like I was the only person who existed. One day I was on MSN with him (this was before I knew that MSN & email are tools of serial cheaters) and I offered to drive over to see him. He got really aggressive and told me to stay right where I was! I had no clue what I'd done and I was confused. I was really hurt and upset. I ended the conversation and he apologised and said he was busy.

 

A few days later, I spoke to one of my girlfriends and told her what happened... she asked me what my gut was telling me. I said I didn't know, I was confused. She blew me out of the water... she said "he's married". Bluntly, just like that. She didn't know him but that was what HER gut was telling her. Of course when something like that is planted, it throws EVERYTHING else into a different picture, everything looks different. Immediately, I felt my trust and budding love for him die. There would be no going back.

 

When I next saw him a couple days later, I asked him outright. At first he denied it. Then he came clean. He'd been married 15 years and had two boys in their teens. I told him it was over. That's not the end though... he then proceeded to tell me that *I* was his way out. He was leaving her immediately. He had hated her for the last 5 years of their marriage ... blahblahblah. I said no. Basically, he wasn't working but was in full-time school (so he said, I'll never know) and she was supporting him. So, he wanted to go from one supporting gal to another and what better than a girl who not only is working full-time, owns her own home and has no mortgage (because critical illness paid it off) but also, down the line the cancer may come back and kill her off early - so within a few years he'd be loaded and homefree. I said NO F*CKING WAY.

 

Two weeks after I dumped him, I found out I was pregnant. I had chemotherapy for my cancer treatment 4 years before and I was supposedly infertile. So this child was a miracle for me. There was no way the father was going to be involved or lay any claim to this child. However, pregnancy hormones being what they are and an innate sense of right and wrong, I told him he was going to be a father again because I felt he had a right to know and my child had a right to know their father. He was very pleased.

 

Then a week after me telling him, he started harrassing me. He didn't care one way or the other about the child. He cared about laying claim to the estate that the child would one day inherit. So ensued a battle of words that he was going to go for custody. He was going to prove me an unfit mother because I had slept with a married man. He was going to prove me unfit onhealth grounds because of my poor diagnosis and prognosis and lots of other hurtful things. Eventually due to the pressure and stress, during my 11th week, I miscarried... which is hardly surprising.

 

His wife, to my knowledge has never known any of this. In addition to this, I have a feeling she knows he is a complete liar because he covered his tracks so well, there is no evidence that our 'affair' took place at all. In the end he ended up writing to me and ASKING me to write his wife a letter and confirm it. NOT A CHANCE. I told him if he was to prove it to go right ahead. I have heard nothing since. His wife will not divorce him because he is more useful to her monetarily, if they are still married and he hates it apparently because she doesn't believe he ever had an affair. She doesn't trust a word he says either I don't think.

 

What did it do to me..? It broke my trust in human nature. I can't completely trust people. I know not everyone is the same. My friends now joke that a guy has to 'apply' to go out with me because I want to see their resumé and references as well as scan their home for evidence of other women before I even agree to a date. I won't use email for anyone I don't know personally and I don't have any instant messaging software on my computer any longer. If a guy from any source approaches me... I'm entirely skeptical. All completely unrealistic of course... but I'm resigned now to being alone. I don't need the heartbreak any more.