LaraV Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Well, I posted this in the coping forum, but didn't get any responses there, so I figured I'd try here: I got a "casual" e-mail from my ex (he dumped me) a bit less than a month after he broke up with me. It's the first time we have any "contact" at all. I decided that if he didn't love me there was nothing I could do, and I would just remove him from my life and do NC so that I could heal. Imo, I walked away from him with lots of dignity. But I'm a bit upset at his casual e-mail - it was friendly, non-commital, talked about his weekend plans and ended with a "how's work?" I cannot believe how tactless it is. It's hard for me to believe because he's a great guy. He never did anything to hurt me, except, well, not being able to fall for me, but that's not his fault, and as soon as he realized there was no future for us he was upfront and told me. So I'm a bit at a loss as to the purpose of this e-mail. I'm not reading any "hope" in it or anything. I'm just confused as to why a nice man who just broke up with someone whom he knows is in love with him would be so callous as to send a casual e-mail less than a month after the break up to ask how work is going? Is there something I'm missing here? Is this "man code" for something?
Diver012 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Im not really sure.... He may be just checking to see how well your healing? Just to test the waters to see if your handling things ok? If it would be better for you in your healing process, then I would simply tell him that you need for him to give you plenty of space for a while. No emails or texts asking how your doing... Im lucky in the fact that MY Ex leaves me alone. I dont have the same problem you do, but I know if I kept getting emails from her, I would most likely demand from her that she stop. Its not productive to you, but sometimes the dumper doesnt understand that. They call out of guilt and concern knowing that they have hurt your feelings. They are checking to see how much damage has been done.
LaraV Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 sometimes the dumper doesnt understand that. They call out of guilt and concern knowing that they have hurt your feelings. They are checking to see how much damage has been done. Yeah, it is ironic how when they do this they just hurt you more. I'm sure he meant no harm, but it just came off as insensitive and tactless. And in my current state, (I mean, it's been less than a month!) I just experienced it as a very painful thing to do.
Chinook Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Its not productive to you, but sometimes the dumper doesnt understand that. They call out of guilt and concern knowing that they have hurt your feelings. They are checking to see how much damage has been done. It could be this... and it is insensitive. My ex did it with me last week. Anniversary of my miscarriage and he sends a mail saying he was 'thinking about' me. I replied with "thanks, but caring about an ex-girlfriend when you're in a committed relationship with someone else is inappropriate". Unsurprisingly not heard anything in reply. Anyhow.. to address the point, it COULD be that... but it also could be the advent of the rollercoaster yoyo ride. The "I'm-not-so-sure-I-did-the-right-thing-give-me-another-chance-oh-now-I've-got-here-I-think-I-made-a-mistake" thing. I'd not bother replying to it. Or if you do - just say it's inappropriate seeing as he dumped you and ask to be left alone. I've asked to be left alone several times but evey few weeks I get a mail about one thing or another. I ignore them mainly (some things I can't ignore like sorting the home equity out).
punk666 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Well, when a guy breaks up with you and still talks to you that means he wants you to still be friends or feels bad that he hurt you. I know it sounds weired but it is true. I only broke up with a girl once and i felt bad for doing it and thought it would be better not to talk to her which was a bad decision because i think i hurt her even more. WOW, i feel like s*** now...
jerbear Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I had contacted a dumpee & dumper in the past because I did miss them and do not really know my feelings. Sometimes, I do want a 2nd chance because a "break" was initiated by either party. Sometimes it is as simple as wanting a friendship because they had something that attracted to me to them in the first place like network, education, circle of friends, or worse need something. I am pretty stubborn and would rather figure it out a problem from friends or do it myself instead of contacting an ex.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I suspect he's trying to be sympathetic, but doesn't know what to say.
Guest Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I suspect he's trying to be sympathetic, but doesn't know what to say. Yeah, I guess it's better to not say anything sometimes. Funny, I wouldn't want to be in his place, oddly enough. I guess, no matter what he does (or doesn't do) it's going to hurt me for a while...
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