dwh Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I posted a previous thread on this site and appreciated everyone’s encouragement. Here’s the story: My husband of two years told me a couple of weeks ago that he no longer desires me. After many more talks, he told me he didn’t think he was ready to get married when we did (we were 23). Not that he wasn’t sure about me, but settling down at that point in his life. He says he wants passion in a marriage, and ours has died. He hasn’t come out and said it, but I think he is missing that spark of being “in love.” We didn’t have an awful relationship, it was pretty good most of the time, but we obviously didn’t talk about the big issues, or this would have come up earlier. My H has said that he knows marriage is work, but that maybe we waited until too long to try and solve this problem. He is sleeping in our spare bedroom right now. I have tried to give him the space he asked for. He says he wants to figure some stuff out. But he believes that the feelings should just come back. I think that’s something that can be worked on. Anyway, I have been trying to act as if we are divorcing so as not to get my hopes up for us. Yesterday I came home and I could tell he had been looking through our wedding pictures and old cards I had given him. Then he mentioned that he was open to going through this book I bought called “All About Us” in the hopes that talking about some of our earlier moments would bring those feelings back. I’m not sure where to go from here. Last night got my hopes up that there is hope for us, but then when I asked him for a hug he gave me a sorry excuse for one. Maybe those feelings CAN be lost forever? I know that if we make it through this we will be stronger, but my emotions are on a rollercoaster right now.
Lor Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I know you're giving him space, but what are you doing with yourself to bring back the "spark"? Ask him what kind of passionate relationship he is looking for, what he thinks is lacking. Are you willing to "go the extra mile" so to speak to renew the flame? If he is still attracted to you, loves you and passion is all that is lacking, consider yourself lucky cuz that is something YOU can re-establish with a little elbow grease.
Gunny376 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 This sounds salvagable to me. Goggle Dr. Ellen Kreidman and Light His Fire. Good stuff. Sounds like you just need to re-light the pilot light? Sure, the two of you have issues that you need to work, talk out ~ but work on re-igniting the fire. Its odd ~ you buy a damn coffee maker ~ it comes with an instruction manual, but you get married its assumed you have what you need to know to make it work, when the truth is that most of us have 1/10th of what we need? Damn shame we have to go through a divorce to find out, and even then many don't and never do?
paperazzi Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Marriage counselling would probably be really helpful if you are both willing to go. It sounds like he's willing to save the marriage (which is a good thing) but neither of you really know how. A marriage counsellor could really help, especially with both of you being so open. Relationships inevitably lose their shine after a little while and those feelings should be replaced with something much deeper. It sounds like he is struggling with that. In the meantime, do continue to keep the possibility of divorce in your mind, but not as a threat to him to keep him. Just so you are prepared if it does happen.
Author dwh Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Thanks for the advice. Two more problems, however. 1) My H absolutely will not go to counseling. Not that he won't work on us, but he says that this is between us. He just doesn't believe in counseling 2) Its not just the spark. He has said he has no desire for me right now. Its not that I've changed physically; if anything, I look better than I ever have. I think that the fact that he is questioning his feelings for me makes him think that we aren't supposed to be together.
Lor Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Some people believe in counselling and that's fine if you, fine if you don't. I personally don't--bad experiences. You two can do this on your own if you will truely make the effort. Does he have ANY desire? Not just for you, for anyone? Sometimes men go thru this too where their sex drive falls. he could be confusing sexual love and being in love as being the same.
Billy Bob Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 1) My H absolutely will not go to counseling. Not that he won't work on us, but he says that this is between us. He just doesn't believe in counseling My first marriage counselor revealed to us he was gay during our third session. We also learned that he supported open marriage (as he and his bowfriend/partner had)... Make sure you find a good counselor with similar values as there are all sorts of whackos out there with counseling liscences.
Author dwh Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 A little update on my thread. In early August, my H left for a weekend trip and left me a letter saying he wanted me to use the weekend to move out. He just didn't see things getting better. I went to stay at my parents for a couple of days and when I came back (he had been back from his trip for a day or two) he was home, miserable, and asked me back. Told me he figure out that he did love me, wanted to work on the relationship, blah blah blah. Started out really well but slowly saw him withdrawing again. Funny thing is, a week and a half ago I started preparing myself for him to leave again, but then it seemed like things turned around. We were having great times together. On Monday, we even went on a date and he seemed to have a good time. On Tuesday, when I got home from work, it was clear something had changed (funny how much of a rollercoaster this can be). I knew something was wrong, so I tried to give him his space until he finally came up to me and said "I can't do this anymore." The next day, he moved most of his clothes to his parent's house. Called me today (about a bill I had to pay) and asked how I was doing. I lied and pretended that I was doing okay. I asked how he was doing, and he kind of hesitated before saying okay. Then later in the morning he emailed me "some recipes we like - I thought you might want a copy." He hasn't emailed me in months, so I don't know what to think of this. Part of me wants to just give up and move on. The other part nags at me and says there is still hope, he has come back before, don't give up. Help!
Recommended Posts