LDR "engagement"

[kopiglass]

My LDR bf (500 miles) of a year and a half recently told me he'd like to ask me to be engaged to him. Last night he told me he had set himself a goal to stay in his job until Nov 2007 (10 years). So I asked what did he mean by engagement then? He said for us to be committed to each other even though we're not together.

 

I've been driving to see him every month since March 05, all at my expense. He doesn't drive, is afraid to fly and can't afford to anyway. Now he's basically telling me I have at least another year and half of that before he will even consider our being together.

 

I feel like he's just 'tagging' me as his property so even though he doesn't want to be with me, I won't consider being with someone else.

 

I love him, but I am sick of being alone and being the one who has to make any together time happen.

 

Any insights?

[inhighwater]

Now, I've heard of some people having a double ring ceremony and of course while they were engaged but did not have a ring that they were making wedding plans. Is there any wedding plans at least that are going to be worked on and like a wedding dress purchased?

 

That would stink having to pay all the expense of going to him. Are you a 150% sure that he can not afford it? I know some people can not afford to do things like that though. Do you know why he does not drive? May I ask how he gets himself to work? Bus, taxi, or a co-worker?

 

May I ask who paying for things while you are visiting him? (Example: meals, going out to the movies, gas or transportation for you two to get around his area, etc.)

 

Is there a concrete reason that he would need to stay at his job for ten years? Will he lose his 401k or have some of it deducted because of leaving before 10 years? Does his type of work require him to have 10 years experience with one company before he can apply at other companies and be able to get the same type of job? I know that the longer you are at a job the better it looks to other companies that you are applying for a job at.

 

Does he have a lease on an apartment or house and he can not get out of it for another year?

[kopiglass]

well I hadn't thought of that and maybe I should approach it that way ... look at that date as when we can get married. He said he wants commitment -- but we already have that. I'd like to be in the same room together more than once a month!

 

He definitely can't afford it; my finances are slightly better off than his. (Of course two can live as cheaply as one, I own my own house, and there is a much better job market here NY state.) He does treat me when I'm there -- but basically we share those expenses. When I ask, he'll give me gas money; I wish he felt it was his responsibility to share the cost of being together without my having to ask (because I hate to ask).

 

Has never learned to drive; one day I may find out a concrete answer to that riddle. In part he could never have afforded a car; from a very poor family. He lives in a small town in WV and walks to work, gets rides from friends to the store, etc.

 

He's thinking of 10 years as a good amount of time to show at a job when he goes looking for another. Is already vested in his pension.

 

He both hates and has a tremendous attachment to his tiny studio apartment, but has no lease and can leave anytime.

 

He's very involved in a 12 step program, 20 years clean, and would find it very difficult to leave it behind, even though meetings are universal. He's a natural leader, and people there look up to him and rely on him.

 

Thanks so much for your answer -- it really helps me to think about this from a perspective other than my own.

[katiebour]

Here's my 2 cents-

 

"Has never learned to drive; one day I may find out a concrete answer to that riddle. In part he could never have afforded a car; from a very poor family. He lives in a small town in WV and walks to work, gets rides from friends to the store, etc."

 

I didn't drive until last June, and I will be 27 in September. I know how tough that can be. Basically, I finally said "enough is enough," got the license, a cheap car and insurance, and a year later I am amazed that it is so easy. It was an insurmountable obstacle for over 10 years. Get that man in a car- you don't want to be his taxi for the rest of your lives.

 

"He's thinking of 10 years as a good amount of time to show at a job when he goes looking for another. Is already vested in his pension."

 

Personally I think the whole "10 years sounds good" is BS. Sure, it sounds good- but what is more important, having a nice round number, or being with you? I think he's just afraid of change- many people are. Leaving a job and environment that you know is scary- but the only thing in life that's constant is change.

 

That being said- if he won't move, why don't you?

 

"He both hates and has a tremendous attachment to his tiny studio apartment, but has no lease and can leave anytime."

 

Ok- you move there, get a bigger apartment/house.

 

He's very involved in a 12 step program, 20 years clean, and would find it very difficult to leave it behind, even though meetings are universal. He's a natural leader, and people there look up to him and rely on him."

 

That's a toughie- my mom has been clean and sober for about 15 years now- I know how important the fellowship and friendship of her AA buddies is to her. But AA and other 12-step programs are, as you know, everywhere, and he can always find a group to attend. Email and phone make staying in touch with old members and friends a piece of cake, and what better reason to attend the national conventions than to catch up with fellow members?

 

It sounds like he has roots where he's at, and is afraid to uproot them. One of you is going to have to give if you want the relationship to move on. Can you be the giver here and move to where he's at? Even if you got a lower-paying job, you'd be saving on gas! More importantly, you'd be together, and one thing I've learned from my dad and stepmom (together for 20 years next year) is that the most important thing is not where you're at- it's who you're with.

 

Which would you regret more- leaving where you're at, or continuing to miss out on the love and companionship of your SO?

 

My BF is a non-traditional student at a college an hour away from where I live. I drive to see him every weekend, and right now I'm living with my folks until I get my credit card debt paid off. I have my budget figured, am saving money and working hard, and by this time next year, I will be moving in with him and commuting back and forth an hour to work each day. The only thing that prevents it right now is my finances, and he's well aware that it's only a matter of time before I come down there. I know when I move down there I'll be spending $200/week in gas- but being with him makes it worth it to me.

 

LDRs are tough. Good luck!

 

P.S. To quote from the Jan. 3rd page of the Al-Anon book "Courage to Change":

 

I am writing my life store with every single today. Am I moving in a positive direction? If not, perhaps I need to make some changes. I can do nothing to change the past except stop repeating it in the present. Going to Al-Anon meetings and practicing the principles of the program are some of the ways in which I am already breaking out of the unhealthy and unsatisfying patterns of the past.

 

I believe that my life is built upon layers of little everyday accomplishments. When I think this way, setting goals and taking small risks becomes nothing more than a daily striving to make my life better. Taking some tiny action each day can be much more effective than weeks and months of inactivity followed by a frenzied attempt to make radical changes overnight. It certainly leaves me more serene. When I face a new challenge, I try to take my beginning wherever it may be and start from there.

 

Today's Reminder:

 

No one can make me change. No one can stop me from changing. No one really knows how I must change, not even I. Not until I start. I will remember that it takes only a slight shift in direction to begin the change in my life.

 

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

 

Lao-tse

[norajane]

Employers don't care if it's 8.5, 9, or 10 years...that's not a reason to stay if he really wants to be with you.

 

Just because he doesn't have a car is not a reason not to learn to drive. I'm sure one of his buddies who takes him to the store or whatever would be happy to teach him and let him use the car to get his license.

 

A natural born leader knows that those who rely on him and look up to him can continue to do so without his physical presence.

 

 

I suppose it's progress that he's actually talked about a date when you can be together, but it sounds like he is STUCK in his ways and will have an extremely difficult time with any kind of change in his life. Are you prepared to take care of him if/when he does move?

[Bangles]

There's a good possibility that he has lost his drivers license. I am just guessing this because you said he is in the "program". I had an ex that lost his due to his problem. Some people lose them for life. You might try to get some "honest" answers from him before you make a commitment to him.

[lil_angel]

a few things to think about before an engagement. You say you're always the one travelling and paying. It seems like you're the only one making a real effort to keep this relationship here. Not to sound like im judging anyone, and I understand if you have a higher income and all, but I'm a full time college student just as poor as the next college kid and I still manage to set aside money each month to work toward getting enough to go visit my LDR boyfriend. I'd be wary of anyone that reluctant to spend any travel time or money on me. Also, as has been stated before, 10 years may sound good, but 8.5 sounds just as good. It doesnt sound like he's very committed to you. I'm not saying he's a jackA$$ or anything, or that he doesnt care about you at all, but it sounds like he has higher priorities than making your relationship work, which isn't a good attitude to go into an engagement with.

Another thing, no matter how wonderful someone may be, I dont think long distance engagements are a good idea anyway. Marriage means living with someone day in and day out, seeing them in all their moods, going through not only the exciting times but the boring ones, the hard ones, the ordinary ones. You may be so sure you want to get married while in an LDR, but once a month visits can be a whole different ballpark from seeing them every day, I strongly suggest waiting until you have moved to the same place and can date normally for a few months at least before actually getting engaged.

[kopiglass]

yep, he's admittedly terrified of change because of the unknown. He sets himself arbitrary goals that he can quantify, like the 10 year employment mark. He didn't lose his license, he never had one.

 

I can't move at this point because of family obligations (3 newly adult children, a grandchild, elderly parents), while he has no connection to his family at all.

 

The signs all point to him wanting to commit as long as it doesn't require anything of him. He's accustomed to (and seems to enjoy) his solitude. I know intellectually that as long as I keep making it possible, he'll hang in. If I demand more, he will opt out, is my guess.

 

Love stinks.