jgbronc Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Hello all, has anyone here had any experience with a commitment phobe? I have been dating this woman for exactly one month and in that time things have gotten red hot! She did hint that she was afraid to get close to me because she had been in this boat before and always ran from men when things got serious. Last night she called to inform me that we weren't breaking up, she just needed space and time because if things continued to be serious she knew she would never see me again! Then I got the classic, "Its not you, its me thing". So do I sit back and not do a thing or do I try and dig into why she feels like she's in a corner? Some people I have talked to said that she is pushing me away to see how I will react. Others have said this commitment phobia thing is real and I should just back off for a while. I told her during the phone call that it felt like once I hung up I would never hear from her again. Any advice would sure be appreciated.
MissTiss Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I have been there. It hurts like hell and I am still trying to cope. CP's will allow a relationship to get red hot like that. They really do believe you are different and special. I think it is your specialness that scares the HELL out of them. My advice. Let this person go. It will hurt, but there are people out there that want to be in a relationship with you and will do anything to make it work. Sure, we all get scared. We have all been in a place with another person that makes us weary and afraid of new relationships. The difference between a CP and the ones who aren't is that we don't allow old past experiences dictate how we react to new people. Until she learns that she will always run from every person she ever comes in contact with on a romantic level. Sorry. There are places out there to get support on dealing with a CP, but I don't think it is worth the hassle anymore. I am tired of dealing with people who will walk away from me, friends and romatic relationships alike. I have just had it. Me personally, I am afraid I will end up some kind of cat lady simply because of the effed up people in this world. I hold out hope that one day I will find someone who is perfect for me (notice I said perfect for me, not perfect). You will too. Let her do her thing. I am a firm believer that the people you are meant to know on any level, will find their way back to you. Look at me, I sound like an optimist!! I am so not. Maybe you will have a better time of it.
GW7147 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Hi Bronc, Frustrating isn't it? I had a similar set of circumstances (I think). My ex seperated from her husband in April '05 after a 15 year marriage. A month llater she seperated (her husband cheated on her for years), she met a guy and planned to marry him after knowing him for a month (She was going to sell her house almost immediately, eventhough she was only seperated). She broke up with him after 5 months and then met me 2 months later. As you described, it got real serious, real fast. She talked marriage about 1 1/2 months after we met. I ran with it because I really liked her and fell hard for her (What a schmuck!!) We were together for 6 months. Went to Cancun, told me everything under the sun about how she was going to spend the rest of her life with me. Four days after we got home, she said, she needed space to "fix herself" from her pending divorce and it wasn't me, it was her. She dumped me and about a month later, she met somebody else and is talking marriage with this guy now!! I never really thought about her being a commitment phobe. I knew something was up when I heard of her new marriage plans. I honestly believed her when she said she needed to deal with her pending divorce. As I think back, I recall questioning her intentions with the first guy, then it happened to me and now the new victim(her divorce still isn't final) . I'm not an authority on CP's but, it seems like a no brainer. I haven't seen, contacted, talked to or heard from my ex since the break-up. It's been almost 3 months. I can only assume, he'll either walk or she'll drop a bomb on him eventually (who knows, maybe she will marry him?). I've tried to forget about things as best I can by looking out for #1. Golf, working out, riding bicycle etc... I started going out with a group of friends and having a great time lately. I'm getting to the point where I'm convinced I really don't need to have somebody like that in my life, my ex is a toxic person. Even if your girl's actions aren't intentional, I would imagine, you're hurt and confused. It doesn't seem your feelings mattered to her. If she knew she was going to back away or run, why did she suck you in, in the first place? If I were you, I'd give her needed space--No Contact!! Leave her be. It'll be tough, but, it's the best thing for you. Don't let her string you along. Again, even if she has no intentions of dragging you through the mud, she's quite capable of doing so and would do it in a heartbeat. Maintain your own dignity and move on. She needs to get help for her problem before she can be in a healthy relationship. It's like having a barrel with rotten apples in the bottom and then putting fresh apples on top of them. The rotten apples infect the fresh ones. It will keep happening until the barrel is cleaned out and the rotten apples are gone, then the fresh apples will be O.K. Goofy analogy but, I think it makes sense. Keep us posted my friend and remain strong!! Regards, GW
Author jgbronc Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Thanks for the advice guys! It does hurt like hell, I will admit that. She sent me a text message just a few minutes ago and I want to answer back. But I know that she needs her own time and space as she said. So I will be strong and avoid any contact with her. The thing that bugs me the most is how you can go from being so on top of the world to down in the dumps in the matter of a phone call. Brutal!
lebowski24 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I mean no offense by this, but if I read correctly, you have only dated her for a month. Is 30 days really long enough to make it that hard to let her go? I feel like it should only take a week or two to be completely over that one. I know with my ex, if we would have broken up that early, I would barely even remember her at this point.
MissTiss Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Leboski, you obviously haven't dated a commitment phobe. The time you spend with one is a years worth of relationship rolled into a tight, shorter package...the whole scope of love gets touched upon. Trust me on this. I haven't done much posting on my situation because well, I feel like a fool, but it doesn't mean I wasn't very much in love or hurting now. Yes, maybe I should be over it, but I am not...just like the OP. Not really fair to tell someone to just get over it, or question their ability to do just that. Everyone is different.
lebowski24 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 You're right MissTiss, I appologize for my post. Sorry to everyone I offended... this forum is meant to help one another. I think subconsciously I was wishing that my ex dumped me sooner so that it wouldn't take me so long to get over her, and I was projecting my anger.
Author jgbronc Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Let me explain the time thing. When we started dating, things progressed rapidly. I actually met her 8 year old daughter, parents and 2 sisters prior to us even being intimate. Because of this and some other things, she made me feel like she was "different". That she was willing to make me feel like a part of her family. And in letting me get to know her daughter (which she says she has never done with anyone else) she was allowing me to be a part of the biggest thing in her life. So it may sound like a very short while, but in reality it feels like a lot longer. That is why this is very difficult to understand.
MissTiss Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Don't apologize, that isn't what I meant. I know the anger thing. Trust me. I do. I call myself angry girl lately, because dealing with the people in my life has made me so. Someday I won't give a crap. I long for that day, and hope it comes soon. I wish that for you too.
Author jgbronc Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Miss Tiss, is there anything that I can do in the interim other than wait. I know you unfortunately went through this. If she contacts me again do I act cold and distant. Of course, who knows if she will contact me again. Talk about a helpless feeling!
MissTiss Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Aw crap. I am the wrong person to ask. I tried everything. Drove him insane trying to get him to open up and share what he really was thinking and what he thought he needed. I left him alone and he texted me contantly until he finally gave up... All he did was keep telling me it was him and that he would be back. BIG FAT LIE. I learned the hard way that I can't be around him because he was cold to ME! And I didn't do a single thing to hurt him, he even told me so....said he knew no one would ever love him the way I did... Who knows what he is thinking. From what I hear and God help me, I didn't want to hear....He is dating someone else. He will hurt her too. It's in his make up until he deals with his own demons. He still contacts me every now and then. I always end the conversation and I pretend like nothing is wrong with me even though I feel like I died inside. It is a miserable place to be and I don't wish it on anyone. As for you, only you can know what you can handle or not handle. I will say, if you have already made your feelings perfectly clear than that's all you can do for now. CP's won't respond to anymore begging or pleading or really any contact at all. I wouldn't do anything else, and I wouldn't wait. I (secretly) in my heart am still loyal to him. Stupid, I know, because in reality I can do a million times better. I really am a good catch. My married guy friends have told me so...just haven't found the right one for me yet. Make sure you do things to keep your mind occupied. Don't jump into another relationship just to help you forget. I sorta lost all my friends at the same time as the break up (that's a tough subject--related to lots and lots of betrayal) so make sure you cherish the people who help you through this because alone just isn't the way. Don't be mean to her. Be as cheerful as you can. If you do talk, keep it light, like she is a stranger. Because in all honestly...she is. She isn't who you thought she was, at least not at the moment. Take care if yourself. I have done some really selfish acts lately, nothing that affects others, just things for me. It totally helps.
GW7147 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 MissTiss is right on the money with all she has said. The intensity of a relationship with a CP is just that, INTENSE, in a very short amount of time. They say all the right things and make you feel as if you are the most incredible person (and couple there is). Eventhough, I was with my ex for only 6 months, I was a mess when I was dumped. I'm 41 and still think "What the heck is wrong with me?, It was a 6 month relationship, right?...wrong). The relationship took shape so fast, I was pretty much, swept up in all of it. Then, I was left to pick up the pieces on my own while my fruitloop ex wanders off to find another to play games with.... Bronc- Unfortunately, your best ally at this point will be time. You'll hear all the cliches, take care of yourself, forget her etc...It's all true. Concentrate on yourself. Do whatever necessary, work out, find a hobby, if you don't already have one. be sure to hang around with your friends and keep busy. In the event, she calls and you choose to speak with her, don't get involved in any conversations about you, her or the relationship. If she brings the up the subject of the relationship, I would sugest you tell her, you agree with her needing time to herself and you don't think being friends is such a good idea right now. If it were me, I wouldn't entertain any calls at this point. You need to wash yourself of her right now and the best way to do it, is to have no contact. It won't be easy at first but, I think it's the best approach for you. Keep posting and get all of your thoughts out in the open. Keep in touch...and I wish you the best. GW
Author jgbronc Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Once again, thanks to everyone who has thrown me some good info on this subject. Just a little more- her friend from work who I have met once covertly got my phone # and called me this afternoon. She told me that I should just leave her alone for awhile. She also told me that she is a wreck. She looks pale, hasn't eaten and is not her usual self. So her friend said that there has to be something there or she wouldn't be beating herself up. Anyway, I will definitely keep you all abreast of the situation. Hey, if its meant to be, it'll be, right?
lebowski24 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Hey, if its meant to be, it'll be, right? I sure hope that's the case, but I can't stop thinking that our meeting was meant to be, and it's up to us to keep it going
Bangles Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I now realize that the relationship I had with my CP was like the fantasy world I had imagined as a little girl growing up. Meaning, the whole "White Knight" type of fantasy type of relationship. I still feel crushed, damaged, empty, shocked. It's been since the end of May when he just up and said he had found a job in another city. He still emails, calls , text messages. All of the messages are the same thing, the standard "Hi, how are you, things are fine here,not much going on". He acts like he will just drag this on till I change all ways he has to send me a message. I have been maintaining NC since he left. On some days he sends 10 messages. I am still trying to be strong and just move on. Good luck to you and a *big hug*.
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