waitingforlove Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Hi, Basically, I already know that my situation is hopeless. But it's hurting like hell I just wonder if there's any chance I could be at least friends with him again. While welcoming everyone's perspectives, I'd like to hear from guys particularly on this one. Thank you in advance. My ex-bf broke up with me 4 and 1/2 months ago. It was my first relationship and I was too stupid to have done EVERYTHING I shouldn't have done except arguing with him after the break up. But I apologized repeatedly, promised to change (not to be so clingy anymore), begged for a second chance .... So, even though initially he had said that he wanted us to be friends, he became more and more distant. I did NC for about a month (mid-May to late June). Two weeks into the NC, he emailed me just to see how I was doing. I replied eight days later. I should have carried on with that .... but then my heart started to melt again. I was worried that I would hurt him by doing NC, so .... I called him at the end of June. The call itself wasn't bad. But then he had to go. I shouldn't have called back again the next day, but I did. This time it annoyed him. He basically hanged up on me. Ever since then, I haven't been able to get in touch with him on the phone. I emailed him, telling him that I didn't want to play games, and that I still loved and cared about him. He then emailed me a couple days ago, telling me that he's now interested in another girl. He said he wanted me to move on and date other guys as well. The WORST part is that he said we need to take a break from contacting one another. He said that was the last email he would send, and that he wouldn't be reading anymore emails. He said it's proving difficult for us to have a friendship. I'm devastated. On one hand, I'm glad that he has found someone that he likes, and I hope this girl can make him happy ..... but on the other hand, I feel like this is the end of the world to me, because it was MY FAULT that I pushed him away .... Now, in the end, I have not only lost a boyfriend, but a friend. We used to call ourselves "big brother" and "little sister" before we started dating -- we knew each other for a few years before we dated. And now .... I no longer even have this big brother. I have never indeed experienced such heartache before .... So, guys, please tell me WHATEVER you see in my situation. You may feel free to tell me that I was stupid .... I really wish time could go back and I could start over with him. I've been reading our old emails .... I really miss the old days .... Now, does NC work this way? He is the dumper, and also the one who decided to stop all contact. So does it mean that I could no longer EVER talk to him in our lifetimes? Any perspectives welcomed. Thanks so much!
alwaybroken Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 its clearly over. there will be a day when you will no longer care to talk to hiim anymore and NC wont be such a time consuming issue, it will just be. move on.
SC Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Being a fella I have the same trouble with girls, so really anyones experience will be useful. I've just broken up with someone as well, and it was my fault as I prob rushed into it without being ready, I couldn't trust her because of my last ex. Basically tho, the way we feel when this happens is if we still love someone and we know they don't love us, any kind of contact no matter if it's positive or negative usually helps us in the short term. But, if you think about it from the others perspective, any contact is derogatory to whatever relationship is left between you two. It looks as though you won't leave him alone, and it pushes him further and further away. You don't mean for that, you just want the best for you both but to fulfill your personal needs you fail to do what's best. You may know that already, I don't know I'm just speaking from eperience. I'm trying to stay away from my ex altho I know we can be friends and are still going to Brighton next week as originally planned. So no contact until we need to sort out times and if Brighton or somewhere else on the south coast. I know you said you tried it before, but persist. Eventually it will get easier to not contact. Eventually, you will become interested in others. You won't forget him, I don't forget one of my ex's but I don't care about her now, that was two years ago. I dont know if that helped, but I did try.
ab30 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I'm afraid it sounds like it really is over for you two. I'm so sorry, I, like many others on here understand how you feel and how horrible this is. It really is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to face, but nearly everyone goes through this at some point and everyone does come out the other side. It just takes time. What is difficult for you is that he made contact via email and that gave you hope that he still cared and that there was a chance. You did well by not replying for 8 days, and I'm sure part of that was to show him that you weren't clingy anymore and didn't have to reply to his email straight away. Perhaps, like me, you held on to the fact he'd contacted you last and that made the next few days a little easier to deal with. As soon as you called though you lost more control. The more he appeared to ignore you, the more you wound yourself up and tried to get him to respond. As much as this hurts, you are going to have to respect his wishes. He's told you that he doesn't want any contact at all and if you don't do this, you will only make things worse for yourself. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders, your post is rational and you've clearly thought things out. You know you've made mistakes after your break up, but you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. It's perfectly natural to react they way you are. When you hurt you look for the quickest way out of that pain - in break ups, that's to get the person who is hurting you back. So don't beat yourself up over this. You now have to look to your future. You need to start healing and you'd never have been able to do this with him still in your life. A friendship would only have worked if you both felt the same about each other, but with you still loving him so much, you would only have continued to hurt and keep hope that he'd change his mind. It's very important that you try to stop living in the past. You can't turn back the clock, but you can learn from all this and plan to make your own future better. Don't read the old emails, don't look at old photos and don't cling onto things that remind you of him and the past. As someone said to me 'if you keep picking at the scab, it will never heal'. Keep yourself as busy as you can, surround yourself with your friends and family. Go out with them and try to have fun. I know your heart isn't in it and they will understand why you maybe quieter or why you get upset, but these things will help you move on. I don't want to give you false hope, but maybe down the line, you two will be in a better position to be in contact. However that is going to have to be a long long way off and you have to live in the present and to get over him first. Use this forum to post whatever you like, it sometimes helps to talk to those that are going through the same pain as you. Be strong.
spinnelli Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 its clearly over. there will be a day when you will no longer care to talk to hiim anymore and NC wont be such a time consuming issue, it will just be. move on. This is so true, that day will come when you will no longer care to talk to him, you will become indifferent. That is the day you have to look forward to now. Just keep your eyes on that prize. By that time, your ego wouldn't be hurt anymore, you won't remember that you groveled or you were clingy or weak, or whatever, you will realize that you were just being human and reacting to loss like human beings do. Now to keep yourself from contacting him in the meantime, each time you want to call or email, think of his reaction to that. Think of how it makes you look to him, i.e., He would think, "she's weak, desperate, clingy and stalking me". Do you want anyone to have that kind of impression of you? I don't think so. For me I know that calling my ex or hanging out with him doesn't particularly make me feel good because he doesn't interact with me in the way I want him to. So I just end up feeling worse than I was before I talked to him. It's not like when I call him, he tells me he loves me or anything. So what is the joy or incentive in calling him at all? Be strong, this will pass.
gfto Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Waiting, I doubt very seriously that you did anything to cause this. I suspect that he probably "just wasn't that into you" in the first place. I have said some of the exact same things to girls that this guy said to you (particularly, the line that you should "date other guys.") I distinctly remember saying that to a girl years ago. And, it was just a polite way of trying to get her to leave me alone, because I just wasn't interested in her. I knew beyond any doubt that she was not the one. (And before you start telling me how terrible that is, remember that women do this to men ALL the time!!) I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if you make any effort to stay in touch with him, you're just going to annoy him.
Author waitingforlove Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Thank you so much, everyone. I certainly won't talk to him about our relationship anymore. But do you think that a few months down the road, it might be possible to be ordinary friends at all with him? Please advise. Thanks.
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