London Girl Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I called my ex (who is a divorcee) after 7 weeks of no contact to arrange to pick up my belongings from his house and to return stuff back to him as I thought he will be moving soon to his new house. He tells me that he has not moved yet and I can pick up my things whenever - he then changed the subject and we chatted for an hour and a half about general stuff, laughing etc. I wanted to keep the conversation short as I still miss him but he kept asking me general questions and prolonged the conversation. Anyway two weeks later after the phone call, I emailed him to thank him for some work he did for me last year - if I'm being honest, I just wanted to email him. I kept the email short and polite. He replied being friendly and asking general questions about how I'm doing etc. I feel so annoyed with myself as I have not seen my ex for just over two months and was being really strong with the no contact until I called and emailed him. I feel I am hurting all over again and wish I could move on but just cannot seem to let him go. I've decided not to contact him again until he tells me that he is moving to his new house so I can pick up my belongings. I also found out that two months ago he signed up on an internet dating agency. He dumped me but could not give me a valid reason for ending our relationship. He said on paper I had all the qualities he wants in a girl but just has doubts about me and was not happy in the relationship. Do you think that after my ex got divorced from his wife (she left him) that he got scared of committing to me and now wants to see other girls because he's always been in serious relationships? We dated for two years and on a whole we had a good relationship. Do you think if I completely back off and try and do no contact, he will come to his senses eventually and come back to me? Why has he not contacted me during those two months to ararnge for me to pick up my stuff and vice versa? Am I clinging on to false hopes? I love him so much and it really hurts still. Any advice would be great.
daphne Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Am I clinging on to false hopes? Unfortunately, I believe you are. He has signed up to a dating site. He said he doesn't see you as the one. He is being honest with you. You don't fit the picture of what he's looking to settle down with. Most of us have that picture. Some of us are adult enough to realize that when you see a good thing, picture or no picture, you move forward with it. Not everyone is and I've found that men tend to hold onto that picture a lot longer than women. Case in point. A girlfriend of mine met her boyfriend years ago when she was in college. He wouldn't commit to her so they just dated casually for a year and a half (nothing serious, no sex). She met someone else who was older and willing to commit. They dated for 3 months. Her ex came back and told her he wanted to commit. She asked him why he couldn't commit before. He said she didn't fit the picture he had in his head of the woman he wanted to commit to. He was honest. But she turned the tables on him by moving on. He realized his picture was stupid and unrealistic. They're getting married next month. The reality is you can't convince anyone that their image is stupid or unrealistic. They either realize what a gem you are in your own right, or they can gamble and look elsewhere. Surprisingly, I've heard many a story of people who do this (more often guys) and come back years later humbled by their epiphany that the grass isn't greener and that soul mate doesn't mean some really stupid picture of Ms. or Mr. Perfect. By that time it's entirely too late and you won't want him anymore. Time to get started not wanting him back.
rugbyrob1990 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 London, I can imangine your in alot of pain right now.. But I think I have bad news for you because when I talk to ex girlfriends and I want nothing to do with them anymore I engage in meaningless conversation. However, when I still have strong feelings for her, I become very anxious and short because when if I still love her I don't want to say anything stupid... How far away is he moving? That may be a blessing in disguise... Sometimes distance is the best thing.. I was hurting for a few months but last weekend I met someone new and this new girl is 3x the woman my ex ever hopes to be... My point, take time its been 3 months for me with 15 days nc, the right person will appear when you least expect... keep your head up girl..
Devrapunzel Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Hey Rob, Good to have you poke your head out again! Been busy meeting a new lady - very cool! when I still have strong feelings for her, I become very anxious and short because when if I still love her I don't want to say anything stupid... This was such a great male perspective. I had always misinterpreted the anxiousness, brevity, and borderline anger to mean the opposite. London, I'm so afraid the others that have posted are right. Signing up on a dating site is not a good sign. As hard as this is going to be, you must go no contact for YOURSELF. He may very well come to his senses, but my guess is you will be long gone by the time he does. Sorry. I know it's not easy. Keep posting for support.
Author London Girl Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Thanks for your reply. The thing is my ex dumped me in January 2006 and between that time and May 2006, we had an on and off relationship. I used to suggest meeting up and so did he and when we did he was affectionate just like we were still going out. But as mentioned before, I have now not seen him for two months basically because I knew he was on a internet dating website and I did not contact him. When he broke up with me various times during this period, he was really upset, crying more than me etc. he kept saying that he just have doubts, that he is 75-80% happy with me and that he cannot see himself moving in with me. I'm thinking maybe he is going through an early mid-life crisis, ie. since Jan 2006 he is selling his house, dumping me and now doing internet dating. I feel that he is trying to relive his youth again (he is 34) and wants to have fun and casual relationships. He's only slept with 4 girls. It is so out of character - I feel he has had a personality transplant. I find it so upsetting as during our first year together, he told me I was the one, that he loves me, that he could see himself settling down with me etc. How could that change so quickly? In January when he dumped me, he was saying things like ~"you never know, people break up and then get back together again and things are stronger" etc. but then in May he asked to meet up with me. When we met up, he told me he missed me, that I'm beautiful, that you never know, we could buy a house together and invited me to his dad's birthday dinner that same evening, showering with me with affection infront of his parents and family that I thought he was thinking of getting back together with me. Then two days later, he calls me to say he feels guilty that he had a good time with me but just could not understand why the doubts are still there and told me to find someone else who has no doubts about me. I feel so devasted and emotionally drained.
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