scrybe74 Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I was once married in my early 20's. It lasted 4 years and we had a child together. We eventually divorced and went our separate ways. I kept my son and she moved out and moved on. We've had polite interaction ever since. The first year or so it was hard to get over her and even slept with each other a couple of times....but it took awhile to realize that she may have done that because she felt bad for me. I finally got over her and 2 years went by and I bounced from girl to girl....never dating anyone more than 4-6 weeks before ending it. I grew lonely and sad and depressed. I had breakfast with a good friend and he gave me some advice that cheered me up so I began to change my attitude about life. 2 months later I met someone online. She was different than anyone I had ever met before. Smart, beautiful, funny and caring. She really had her stuff together and was completely self sufficient. We started dating and after a few weeks she met my son. I was still legally married but that didn't seem to bother her. A year later my divorce was finalized and we found out after a trip to visit her family that she was pregnant. My first reaction was fear. I loved her at this point but after the first 3 months we began to have some serious arguments. I was criticized for a lot of little things that I never thought would bother someone. I felt in my gut that we were just very different but my heart told me to give it sometime and that we would learn to communicate and trust each other better. She was great with my son, I could have really intelligent and deep conversations with her and our sex life was amazing. I just wasn't sure if we would be together in the long term. It seemed that we had so many basic differences....too many to get into right now. I was scared and nervous and told her so. We got into a huge fight and almost broke up but eventually made up and decided to move in together (she lived over an hour away from me). I had hoped that things would get better. They didn't....we fought more often (several times a week) about the most mundane things most of the time. There were some fundamental differences too. For example...I told her that I have spanked my son. Not very often and not to hurt him...just to send a message. She flipped out. She doesn't believe in spanking a child AT ALL. I respect her views but told her that if I feel the need to spank my children that I will. She said that I would not be allowed to spank our child. This is a huge difference in points of views. There are a thousand other differences where we are far apart on. But I continued to hope. We would talk things out, improve our communication and really try and compromise on things. In time I found myself getting more and more dissapointed. After our long talks things would be good for a few weeks and then we'd blow up again. It got to the point that after our long talks we would only last a few days. We had 3 small breakups in the last 3 months that lasted only a few days and we then reconciled. We had another huge fight a few weeks ago after a friends' wedding and then we pretty much fought everyday since. I finally had enough and told her that I needed space so I began to sleep on the couch. She and the baby slept in our bedroom and my son slept in his room. After a week of this she asked me to come to bed with her the night before she was to fly out on vacation with my kids. I was staying behind to work and then would follow in a few more weeks. I didn't want to come to bed and she agreed that I could get up after she slept. I did. She came into the livingroom a few minutes later to tell me that she wasn't asleep yet. We then got into an argument and I finally told her that I just didn't want this anymore. I was tired of the fighting. I was tired of making up and breaking up. There is just no reason for a relationship to be this hard. She says that you need to work to make a relationship happen. I agree but at some point if the relationship isn't worth the amount of work involved shouldn't that be a sign that you no longer value the relationship? All I can think about is being alone now. I don't want to be with anyone. There isn't another woman or anything like that. I just want peace in my life again. We've since talked on the phone a few times over the last 3 days (she's travelling) but never really talked about it seriously until today. We talked for about 30 minutes and I reiterated about how I felt. I tried not to tell her how much I missed her (I did) or that I love her (I do) because I feel like I need to stick to my guns on this. I just think we are a bad mix and I don't want the fear of being alone to be the reason we are together. She began to tell me about all the problems we have and maybe we can fix them If I change things so that she can trust me. That if she could trust me then maybe she could relax and we wouldn't fight. I told her that I won't change nor do I want to and if she can't trust me now then she never will. She's never trusted me from the beginning. I never cheated or anything but I have told her little lies here and there about things for various reasons and it just validated to her that I'm not worth trusting. I basically told her that she's right and that I'm not worth trusting and perhaps I may just not be relationship matierial. My fear is that she is listening to her heart too much and not her head. She is rationilizing things. I think that she doesn't want to accept the fact that this relationship is bad for both of us and has to end. I wish she could understand that if 1 of us doesn't want to be here...she should let it go. What complicates things further is that we have a baby girl together, we live together and she can't afford to live on her own for at least another year (we think). So.....it's possible that we may have to live together for at least another 12 months........but it's also possible that she may be able to move out in the next 2-3. So many things are up in the air. So....that's my dilemma. I can't help but fantasize about waking up and living each day making my decisions on my own and not having to worry if an argument is waiting for me at home.
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