btw Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 My boyfriend and I were together for two years when I found out about a child that he had. I don't have any children and I feel strongly that people should wait until marriage to have children. He lied because he felt that if he didn't, he wouldn't have had a chance with me. About a year into the relationship, something had come up about his child and he told me that his son was his nephew. I believed him and I dropped the subject. When I did find out about it, I found out through another family member. We broke up and we didn't talk for 10 months. Prior to this, everything was great. We were about to move in with one another and we were planning on getting married. I felt that this lie was HUGE and it's very difficult for me to get over it. He feels that it wasn't that big of a deal and that I should think about everything else we had together. He thinks that it's unfair that I base everything on that one lie. All my friends think that I shouldn't get back with him. I love him and I think we are good together... What do you think?
Buttaflyy Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 All my friends think that I shouldn't get back with him. I love him and I think we are good together... What do you think? I think your friends are right! That is a HUGE HUGE lie! And I thinks it's appalling that he denied his child in the first place! He was willing to risk his child for a woman, is that the type of father you'd want for your children? The lengths he must have gone through to hide his child from you sickens me ! I say, if you've been separated 10 mos, your halfway there to being through with him completely anyway. Why do it to yourself? Also, I'm pretty sure that if he was honest with you, no matter what your initial feelings were on the subject things might be different.
crazy_grl Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I agree. And if he can hide something that big from you, who knows what else he'll hide.
Nicholas Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I say give him another chance, everybody makes a mistake.
Buttaflyy Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I say give him another chance, everybody makes a mistake. Really? Even under these circumstances? Would you be so forgiving if you dated a woman for two years and find out that she has a kid she's never told you about? In fact, lied to you about?
The slayer Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I think you should talk to him about and let him know exactly why you feel it was a big deal. You may already have done this, but 10 months down the line it's going to be a much calmer and more meaningful conversation. If you still feel you love him and your relationship was great in every other way IMHO you may always regret not giving it another try in the future. If your ex knew how strongly you felt about people waiting to get married before having children, I can imagine that he was very scared of telling you about it, fearing that it might be a dealbreaker. He obviously no longer lives with his son, and there might be a really painful story behind all this. As an observer I can completely understand why this is such a huge thing for you, but I can also completely understand why he would feel that it isn't. I would really recommend talking it over with him, if your relationship truly was great and you can be good together, I would expect you could work your way through this one and if not then at least you will know you tried and it wasn't meant to be.
JackJack Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I'm on the fence about this one. I see both sides here really. I see WHY he lied, not that its right, but he lied as you said, he was afraid he wouldn't have a chance with you. Which meant he already knew how you felt about people who have kids before marriage, so to him perhaps knowing you thought it should be saved for marriage, and he already had a kid that may have felt like a slap in the face to him since the child was obviously born before you came in to the picture. HOWEVER, yes a lie is a lie reguardless, and its true that if he could lie about this he could lie about most anything. Has to be your call on what you feel you should do.
Buttaflyy Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I'm on the fence about this one. I see both sides here really. I see WHY he lied, not that its right, but he lied as you said, he was afraid he wouldn't have a chance with you. Which meant he already knew how you felt about people who have kids before marriage, so to him perhaps knowing you thought it should be saved for marriage, and he already had a kid that may have felt like a slap in the face to him since the child was obviously born before you came in to the picture. HOWEVER, yes a lie is a lie reguardless, and its true that if he could lie about this he could lie about most anything. Has to be your call on what you feel you should do. Exactly, it's her call over all. But I must say, that I've encountered different people's view on children before marraige. I happen to have a child and was never married. But, no matter what, I'd never lie or deny my child for anyone. Which would be impossible being that I'm a mother with my child at home. But puttin myself on the other end. When I meet a guy who has kids, it's important to me what kind of dad he is to them. And denying them is just appalling to me. If I found out that a guy has a child and isn't taking care of him/her, I think it's inexcusable.
JackJack Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Exactly, it's her call over all. But I must say, that I've encountered different people's view on children before marraige. I happen to have a child and was never married. But, no matter what, I'd never lie or deny my child for anyone. Which would be impossible being that I'm a mother with my child at home. But puttin myself on the other end. When I meet a guy who has kids, it's important to me what kind of dad he is to them. And denying them is just appalling to me. If I found out that a guy has a child and isn't taking care of him/her, I think it's inexcusable. I agree, but I must have missed the part about where he denied the child. Then yes, thats a different story.
Buttaflyy Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I agree, but I must have missed the part about where he denied the child. Then yes, thats a different story. Yeah it seems he did... My boyfriend and I were together for two years when I found out about a child that he had. About a year into the relationship, something had come up about his child and he told me that his son was his nephew. I believed him and I dropped the subject. When I did find out about it, I found out through another family member.
Author btw Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 Yeah it seems he did... He did lie, He told me that it was his brother's child. A year later a family member was talking about his son, I said, "What son?" We have talked about it recently and I'm very confused because I really don't trust my feelings anymore. I NEVER thought that he would lie about something like that, and now he says that he did a lot of growing up in the time we were apart and that he'd never do something like that again. This time, I don't have faith in him. He had this child when he was in high school and the mother moved to another state. He pays child support but never sees the child.
The slayer Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 IMHO it's wrong to assume that he has failed to take care of his child. Many men are denied any acess to their children through no fault of their own. He did deny that that the child was his son, when he came up in conversation, but given that this was a year into the relationship and he may have felt there was a lot to lose at this point, I don't think that this necessarily reflects on who he is or what kind of father he has potential to be, more that he paniced. I'd hate to be judged by someone I loved for making a statement I later regretted when I felt under pressure. I still think the OP needs to find out more about the whole history, before she makes any choices
crazy_grl Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I'm surprised that people are saying that it was reasonable for him to lie about this because he knew how you felt about having children before marriage and he was afraid you wouldn't date him if you knew. To me, that's worse than lying about it for any other reason. That's tricking someone into a relationship, making them think they're getting one thing when you know they're not. That's an aweful thing to do. He could just have easily admitted to having a son, explained what had happened, and asked you to give him a chance anyway. Instead, he took the decision away from you. And in all the time you were together, he never came clean about it. You two were planning on getting married. Would he have let you walk down the alter without being honest about it? Judging by his past actions, I bet he would have.
The slayer Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Crazy Grl, I'm not meaning to suggest it was in any way responsible to lie about this.....simply that nothing is black and white. People often lie. For whatever reason, some people will just simply say the first thing that comes into their heads when they feel under pressure. I just think if the relationship was good in every other way, it's worth finding out more about that reason and maybe considering forgiveness.
JackJack Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I don't have faith in him. Then maybe go with your gut instinct on how you feel. It might be time to move on. I may be wrong, but I have a feeling that if you all stayed together, the resentment would grow more and more from the lie he orginally told. I wouldn't want to always feel like I couldn't trust someone or wondering if they are going to lie about something else. Its not a good way to live.
Outcast Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 It's no different from falling for what you think is a nice guy and then finding out he has some bad habits. Two things can happen; either you decide the habits aren't that bad after all or you quit the relationship. I personally think you are 'way too upset about people having sex for starters. He perhaps hoped that with time you'd ease up a little on the 'tude because a lot of people mellow as they mature. What I do think is sad is that he never sees the child; but then again maybe the mother won't let him and maybe the whole situation is painful. He probably wanted you very much and hoped that you'd love him enough that you could forgive this one transgression which occurred before you even knew him. If he'd told you right away, you would have shunned him, correct? So you can stand on principle and lose the guy you love if you like. Principles aren't very good to cuddle with at night.
crazy_grl Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 It's no different from falling for what you think is a nice guy and then finding out he has some bad habits. I think there's a difference between finding out about a guy's bad habits and finding out that he deliberately lied about something. If I say I don't date smokers, and I guy tells me he doesn't smoke just to be with me, not only does he have that deal-breaking quality, he's a liar as well. And hiding smoking isn't even as bad as hiding a kid. He could quit smoking. He can't quit being the kid's father. I personally think you are 'way too upset about people having sex for starters. He perhaps hoped that with time you'd ease up a little on the 'tude because a lot of people mellow as they mature. That may be true, but this guy should have convinced her of this in the first place instead of lying. Principles aren't very good to cuddle with at night. Neither are liars.... just sayin.
Outcast Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 One lie with reason does not a 'liar' make. I'd like everyone who's never told an untruth to put up their hands. I thought so. You know the bit about he without sin casting stones? Oh and before someone says I don't know what I'm talking about, one guy in my life kept from me for a while that he had FIVE kids. By three different women! I understood why he'd want to hold that back until he knew he could trust me to not use it against him.
Buttaflyy Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Another thing to add to the equation is the child. If you were going to marry this man are you ready to be a step mother?
Buttaflyy Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I initially tried sending this as a pm, but you being a new user can not accept them so... BTW, I felt compelled to write you because I know exactly what you are feeling, and I know you are faced with a big decision. I've been here before, different circumstances of course, no one will experience the exact same thing. I once left a man that I loved because he lied about having a child. We split for about 2 years and got back together, and in the interim he failed to tell me until his son was 8 months old that he had a baby. I loved him dearly, but had to let him go. The thing is that had he told me, I would have probably been able to deal with it. We weren't together when his child was concieved. It would have been hard, but I'm almost sure I would have gotten through it. Looking back, I see that I definitely made the right choice. I am now with a man that I adore and we keep no secrets from one another. He is my confidante as I am his. Had I stayed with my ex, I would have had alot of extra drama on my hands that I don't need in my life. The decision is totally up to you. Only you know your guy for whom he truly is. Weigh all of your pros, cons and see which is stronger. Hugs to you BTW :love: Buttaflyy
crazy_grl Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 One lie with reason does not a 'liar' make. I'd like everyone who's never told an untruth to put up their hands. I thought so. You know the bit about he without sin casting stones? The difference is the degree of the lie. I see this as a MAJOR MAJOR lie. You don't. We obviously disagree. It just depends on how big of a lie the OP feels it is. I understood why he'd want to hold that back until he knew he could trust me to not use it against him. To me, holding back the truth when you don't know how someone will feel about it and lying because you know how they feel are totally different. I've dated a guy and didn't find out he had a kid for quite a few months too. I was fine with it, but he never lied about it.
Lollie72 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 My boyfriend and I were together for two years when I found out about a child that he had. I don't have any children and I feel strongly that people should wait until marriage to have children. He lied because he felt that if he didn't, he wouldn't have had a chance with me. About a year into the relationship, something had come up about his child and he told me that his son was his nephew. I believed him and I dropped the subject. When I did find out about it, I found out through another family member. We broke up and we didn't talk for 10 months. Prior to this, everything was great. We were about to move in with one another and we were planning on getting married. I felt that this lie was HUGE and it's very difficult for me to get over it. He feels that it wasn't that big of a deal and that I should think about everything else we had together. He thinks that it's unfair that I base everything on that one lie. All my friends think that I shouldn't get back with him. I love him and I think we are good together... What do you think? Mine was from CAN and he left two children up there to work in Oregon, he admitted to 1 child and after 9 months together he admitted to #2. I had had it by that sort of betrayal(holding back of info.). Both kids were made on 1 night stands while he was drunk....He was a drunk.
angel915 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 when it all comes down to it...he LIED about having a son. if he can lie about that then he is capable of lying about other things. regardless of what the reason for him lying to you, it may be fear of losing you because he knows how you strongly feel against having a child before marriage or it may be because it's too painful for him to be reminded that he has a son whom he never sees; there's still no excuse for lying. no matter what, the truth will be revealed in time. he knows that this secret of his will not be hidden forever especially if you two were talking about getting married. why lie when he knows it will hurt you? if someone really loves, cares for your feelings and values your relationship then he shouldn't have lied at all. by doing this, he broke your trust. trust is very important in a relationship, even if you love the person and you get along with him so well, are you prepared to trust him again? yes, i know people deserve second chances, you can forgive but you can never forget. if you're willing to be in a relationship when you know trust doesn't exist anymore more likely it's doomed to fail.
Author btw Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Another part to this equation... (I didn't want to make the first thread really long...) He has a total of 3 children by two different women. I knew about 2 of them from the same woman. So he told me about two but not the third. I was willing to accepting him for who he was. He didn't give me the respect to let me make my own decisions. I felt that he didn't trust himself let alone me. After writing about it here, I see that I felt like I wanted some validation that it was ok all while ignoring how I feel. Trust is very important, I'm not a jealous or suspicious woman, and I don't want to become one. Thanks to everyone for listening. I appreciate it!
Author btw Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 I initially tried sending this as a pm, but you being a new user can not accept them so... BTW, I felt compelled to write you because I know exactly what you are feeling, and I know you are faced with a big decision. I've been here before, different circumstances of course, no one will experience the exact same thing. I once left a man that I loved because he lied about having a child. We split for about 2 years and got back together, and in the interim he failed to tell me until his son was 8 months old that he had a baby. I loved him dearly, but had to let him go. The thing is that had he told me, I would have probably been able to deal with it. We weren't together when his child was concieved. It would have been hard, but I'm almost sure I would have gotten through it. Looking back, I see that I definitely made the right choice. I am now with a man that I adore and we keep no secrets from one another. He is my confidante as I am his. Had I stayed with my ex, I would have had alot of extra drama on my hands that I don't need in my life. The decision is totally up to you. Only you know your guy for whom he truly is. Weigh all of your pros, cons and see which is stronger. Hugs to you BTW :love: Buttaflyy Thank you Buttaflyy! It's always comforting to know you are not alone in a feeling or experience. I'm trying to not do things the hard way and learn from other people's experiences. It's hard when you love someone so much and they deceive you. To me... it was a HUGE lie... and in fact, there was no reason for it and talking it out here has made me realize that I do think I can get over it. I can forgive him... but that doesn't mean I can be with him....
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