fireflywy Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 It's been about a month and half with NC. In the last two weeks or so I've been doing really really good. I still think about all that happened and I felt that I was finally coming to grips with some things. However last night I had a dream that is shadowing me today. For those of you who want the whole story (it's really really really long and my grammar was horrible) go here.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90572&page=8 Anyway, last night I had this dream that I somehow ended up at her house and she was crying. She looked up at me and said that I had hurt her so much, (she never said that part in real life) that she had trusted me, and that in our final moments I had made her so angry that I had ruined her strides in therapy. (same thing she told me at the end of our first relationship). If you read my original posts I tried so hard to understand her and I apologized for my actions at the very last. Now, because of that dream I wonder if it was enough? I had always thought that maybe even though she was angry at me that she would realize it was said in the middle of a fight and that she would someday find a spot of forgiveness and maybe even speak to me again. (not asking for her back). I had looked back on the relationship and have maintained NC partly because she requested it and partly because I was the one given up on and that if she ever wanted to talk, she would have to contact me again. Now I don't know. I spoke to a friend of mine today about my dream and told her the words she had said at the very end and he basically told me, that "Things are said in a fight that we don't really mean. If she cared about you, she'd see that and things could have been worked on especially after everything else you've told me. Judging by what you told me and the fact that she didn't fight for the relationship, it probably doesn't hurt her as much as you think regardless of what she said. In the end, she's responsible for her own happiness and if she told you that you set her back that's only because she allowed it to happen." I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks anymore but I'm human and I don't want someone I care about to hate me. Did I say enough? Did I bury my pride enough and express my feelings enough? Does she truly believe that I'm sorry for my actions? Does she even care? I still won't contact her. I would like to but I won't. If what she said to me is true, then I won't disrupt her life because I want her to be happy and I recognize that her being happy means me being out of the picture. I don't care if she has someone else, (as much as that would pain me) I just want her to be happy. I don't know if she truly understands that. I don't know if she understands how hard it has been for me. (i've had my rough times and tears). However, I won't contact her because I'm afraid she'd be upset for me doing so because I told her that I would respect her decision not too. I'm also afraid at what she might say. I feel like I did so much wrong right now. I never wanted that. For as selfish as it sounds I dont wanther memories of me to be completely negative. What does everyone think?
laRubiaBonita Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 IMO~ after i broke with my bf of 3.5 years...... i had dreams about him in every possible situation....and i think i handled myself well in the dreams..... i did not take him back..... but i listened sometimes, other times i yelled, other times i used him for sex..... Personally i think it was all very theraputic, in that it was a dream, and i got to act out all possible senarios. i am not advising you oneway or another on the chic....that is strictly your call, but the dreams are a good thing....... when i quit smoking, i dreamt i smoked, when i became a vegitatian, i used to dream i ate whoppers every single night the first week....... but you deal with it then, in a dream, and it helps you to deal with it if it becomes a reality.
Author fireflywy Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 I hope so. Maybe I should just leave it alone? There's probably nothing else I can say beyond I'm sorry anyway. I've said that numerous times if you read my emails to her. Some other people I know say that she may have been hurt, but given the nature of the relationship and her misinterpretations of things, that she had to make me a jerk to justify the split. Damn it! I've never felt so powerless before in something like this. I've always been able to make some kind of amends in some way and for things that were much worse than this. Why can't I do that here? Why do I care what she thinks? I can't win every battle even the ones that mean the most to me right? The worse part is, is that there are days when I feel strong and where I look at the past and say, well, she didn't care, I tried to apologize, tried to make it work, and nothing... her loss. Then there are days like this when I ask "Did I do enough? Does she know how much I regret all the things that happened?" "Are the things that were said so bad that she's justified for not talking to me?" (perhaps in her mind yes)"If so, does that make me a horrible person?" "Does she know I still care?" I don't want her back in the relationship. I just want to make sure that she's okay. I will also admit, that maybe I'm also being a bit selfish because I don't want to go through life thinking that someone I really cared for, looks upon me with scorn. I fear that if she did, that maybe I wasn't the best person. It takes two to tango right? One of my best friends said "Firefly, I'm willing to bet she hurt you more than you hurt her because you tried so hard and put so much into the relationship." Maybe I should just walk away and find my redemption in avoiding the same mistakes and pitfalls in a future relationship? sorry for the rant, but I get confused.
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