horsey Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 my heart aches,i feel sick,each day is filled with questions that i have no answers too! why why why? why would you hurt someone so much?on purpose? let me start out by telling you a bit of the background of this story we had a relationship-for 9 years he was the love of my life i am 33 he is 43now i thought he was the man i would be with forever we had troubles like everyone else but i guess these were red flags i chose not to see! he always loved his friends-and they seemed to come first at the drop of a hat he would tell me-he was having guy weekend and would head out -golfing-i of course felt in a relationship its normal to give each other space-why not? i know that into about our fourth year of dating i would get a bit ansy and start asking him questions why we couldnt move forward-? and he would always have some excuse! doing my mba i am too young still etc etc we went through alot together-his fathers death-another excuse-after a year when he died i asked him---again about commitment and he said how could i pressure him now-he was getting over his fathers death! icouldnt understand what that had to do with us! moving forward he lived about 2 hrs away and would treck up twice mid week to see me and we would spend every weekend together-we spoke few times on the phone every day-and emailed during the day at work i loved him to death and was there everystep of the way-through his rigorous schooling-and need to study while holding a prominent job at the same time he was attentive and loving and very caring -for most part of the relationship-but when it came to discussions of moving forward-he would dismiss it- there were times through out the 7 -8 years were he would become so annoyed at my mild questionings of committing-he would literally stop calling me-and stop all contact-this happend about a dozen times-some varying-in lengths-a week, few wks a month...... i was always the one who would try to contact him-and he eventually would come back- i would take him with open arms-so glad thinking-this was it-this time he would finally see-that we were meant to be! at this point-at least 7 years into it-i wanted a marriage-house etc he promised me it would happen soon-when he hit 40 or a little later i hung on tightly with the hope that maybe this birthday or christmas he would propose we started to very very seriously look at homes-planning our finances and looking at homes every weekend! his work was look up and things couldnt be more perfect! the day we were suppose to go to the bank to finalize things with the house-he started to pin point the dumbest flaws -to basically pick me aprt saying i was being crabby and not conversing with him it was the wierdest thing! i didnt know what the heck was going on??? he seemed to turn into someone i didnt even know! even his eyes changed-he glared at me with anger! he turned around and drove me home-without a word-i began to tear up and he saw this! he accused me of being emotionally unstable! and dropped me off that was my last time we were together! he didnt call or email or contact me in any way! and for some crazy reason i havent either! my heart is bleeding-i feel so abandoned-and betrayed how could someone literally drop -you so quickly turn off all emotions like a switch????????? 9 years-wiped away-so easily i dont get it at all........................ dont i deserve more after 9 years is THIS COLD FEET? he has pulled it before many times as i mentioned but that was then and we were moving forward-help i think i am being strong with no contact for 4 months-its killing me but -i am trying my best to keep above water life seems so cruel- i feel so sad and lost......
Smung Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 First, I’m sorry to hear that you’re sad, but be assured that THINGS DO GET BETTER! I have seen this before where the person you thought you were with turns out to be something much different. I feel that it’s really not the person who changed, but rather your perception of that person. What I mean is that when you are in a relationship you have a tendency to view the relationship through rose colored glasses. There are always red flags in a relationship. The trick is to identify them and determine if they are traits you can live with. Also, sometimes you never get the chance to find out what the real reason for the break up was, but guess what? After some time has passed you realize that the reasons why are unimportant. From what you said, it seem like you are still “Living” in the relationship. I could be wrong, but what steps are you taking to move on? I am happy to hear that you’re not contacting him. Why should you? He dumped you!! You deserve better treatment from someone and should never settle for someone to whom you need to question where they stand!! Keep up the NC and work on making yourself happy. Start a new hobby, get your friends together and go out (that has helped me). Hope this helps.
Outcast Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 but i guess these were red flags i chose not to see! We all do it. Learn from this. The next time you see red flags, force yourself to look at them hard and then to end it because they're there for a reason. You will heal and go on to find someone worthy of you. He was not.
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