Mixedup Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Well I have posted this story before but a few more developments have happened. I'll cut it short. We both work together and we are in love. We are both married. We have been seeing each other for 9 months. We both want to be together properly and we realise what we have done is wrong and are dealing with it. We have both told our spouses. I have never felt love like this. A connection like I have with him. He is a very gentle man with a soft heart and even though he has hurt his wife, his wife doesnt want him to throw away their marriage so he has agreed to try with her. He wants to give it 6 months with no contact between us to give us the total break from our spouses and start our realtionship off with a clean slate. I have actually left my husband but he wants me back to give it a try. I don't want to as I think he deserves better than me and I can't get MM out of my head. I can't bear the thought of living without the MM. It breaks my heart that he has to do this but I kind of understand. He can't bear the thought of hurting his wife anymore than he should and he thinks it is the right way to do things. If we are meant to be then we will be together. We should not jump straight out off one realtionship into another. I dont want to give up on my marriage and I think it might be a commitment problem I have. I feel I owe it to my husband to try and I married him for a reason but all I think about is MM and how much pain I am in because we have to step out of each others life. Well thats it in a nut shell. Just wanted to get it out really.
jmargel Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 You need to see a counselor. First off I would say there is a 90% chance that he'll NEVER leave his wife. Second even if he does within' a few years he'll be doing the same thing to you as he's done to current wife. Why do you want to work on your marriage? Except for selfish reasons? You can't expect any relationships to work out when there is a 3rd party involved. Giving this '6 month window' is just a delay and you know it. It's just a way for both of you to ease your consciounciouses to say to yourselves 'Yes we are morally good people who are trying to work out our marriages'. Honestly we both know that is BS. If your heart is with your husband then find another job and lose ALL contact with this OM. If it's not then let him find someone who deserves him. If you have a commitment phobia then why in the world did you marry this guy? You sound pretty immature to me. After a month or two the contact will resume however nothing will change. Again as I can almost guarantee, he'll never leave his wife (for good). Apparently there is enough good there between those two that he does not want to give up. Accept that. Anytime a relationship is built upon lies and deceit often fail.
Author Mixedup Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 Wow. Thanks for the advice. I don think Im immature but just confused person who made a mistake in marrying the wrong person. I never meant for this to happen at all. Your advice is very good. I believe that you do not choose to love someone but I definately made the choice to act on it. For this I am willing to suffer the consequences. I totally agree if my heart was with my husband I would give up my job. I didnt want or mean to hurt anyone in this situation, honestly. I know that I deserve to end up alone.
stillafool Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I have never felt love like this. A connection like I have with him. He is a very gentle man with a soft heart and even though he has hurt his wife, his wife doesnt want him to throw away their marriage so he has agreed to try with her. He wants to give it 6 months with no contact between us to give us the total break from our spouses and start our realtionship off with a clean slate. If he loves you so much why is he going back with his wife? I agree with jmargel I doubt if he ever leaves her. He's giving you 6 mos with NC? It sounds like in 6 mos he will have completely erased you from his marriage to me. I have actually left my husband but he wants me back to give it a try. I don't want to as I think he deserves better than me and I can't get MM out of my head. I agree that your H deserves better. It's going to take a lot of work for him to try to make your marriage work when you are in love with another man. I can't bear the thought of living without the MM. It breaks my heart that he has to do this but I kind of understand. He can't bear the thought of hurting his wife anymore than he should and he thinks it is the right way to do things. If we are meant to be then we will be together. We should not jump straight out off one realtionship into another. Are you sure this guy loves you? If he has told his wife and you've told your husband and the both of you are so in love - why is he going back to his wife. If you were meant to be together wouldn't now be the time since the "cat is out of the bag" and you can't bear to live without him? I dont want to give up on my marriage and I think it might be a commitment problem I have. I feel I owe it to my husband to try and I married him for a reason but all I think about is MM and how much pain I am in because we have to step out of each others life. You said in your earlier paragraph that you didn't want to go back with your husband as he deserves better. You said you feel you owe it to him because you married him for a reason (what reason)? Are you sure you don't want to go back to your marriage because MM is going back to his. It sounds like you need to be alone for a while to sort out what you really want. Maybe therapy will help. If you don't love your H anymore don't go back just to end up cheating on him again when MM calls. Well thats it in a nut shell. Just wanted to get it out really. I do wish you luck!
Author Mixedup Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 But should you not work on a marriage, not just give up. Im so confused. Yes I believe this guy loves me but I dont think he's strong enought to leave his wife. He is a very emotional soft person, who doesnt like seeing anyone hurt. I know the best thing for me to do is be on my own, but don't I owe my husband something if he is willing to try. I just dont know what to do but I have never been so miserable and unhappy. I know there is no quick fixes but it is making everyone miserable.
Outcast Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Of course you're 'in love' with the other guy. You haven't lived with him, washed his smelly socks, or dealt with his morning bad moods. He looks like a prince because all you see is an edited version of him. Live with him for the same number of years you've lived with your husband and another new guy would come along and the same thing would happen. Do a search on 'oxytocin' and 'Helen Fisher' and read up about chemicals and how they mess with your brain. We are creatures born to reproduce. Our bodies are built to do just what you're doing - develop attachments to people of the opposite gender. Which is why, if you have made a commitment to someone you don't follow your chemicals around from person to person to person but rather stay away from developing new 'loves' out of respect for your vows. Trust me, this 'love' will die out eventually. But you have to stop feeding it by dwelling on him. I promise you if you refuse to think about him and keep yourself busy otherwise, eventually you won't feel so much as the slightest twinge should you pass in the street.
stillafool Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 But should you not work on a marriage, not just give up. Im so confused. Yes I believe this guy loves me but I dont think he's strong enought to leave his wife. He is a very emotional soft person, who doesnt like seeing anyone hurt. I know the best thing for me to do is be on my own, but don't I owe my husband something if he is willing to try. Of course you do if you love him. Look I'm in almost the same situation I am a MW still in love with my old bf who is a MM. I haven't done anything about it nor have I seen him (that's another thread) but I still love my H and have chosen to leave MM alone so as not to hurt my H. If you still love your H then give your marriage a chance. I got from your post that you didn't love him anymore. It's hard enough to do this when you love someone so it would be even harder if the love is gone is all I'm saying. I just dont know what to do but I have never been so miserable and unhappy. I know there is no quick fixes but it is making everyone miserable. I know that misery. I want to talk to MM everyday but don't. It is miserable and I keep waiting for the day when I won't think about him anymore. You're right there is no quick fix.
Author Mixedup Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 I dont think I do love my husband anymore. I think that is the difference between my marriage and my MM's marriage. I'm always telling him that he has something left for his wife. Anyway I think its all about guilt. I dont understand why I can't love my husband why I love the MM. I just can't and yes its so hard to go back to my husband. I dont want to hurt anyone.
JackJack Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I dont understand why I can't love my husband why I love the MM Possibly because this MM may posse qualities you wish your husband had. Are you willing to continue to play second fiddle to a man you will never fully have? If you don't feel you love your husband anymore then maybe its time to let him go.
jmargel Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I dont think I do love my husband anymore. I think that is the difference between my marriage and my MM's marriage. I'm always telling him that he has something left for his wife. Anyway I think its all about guilt. I dont understand why I can't love my husband why I love the MM. I just can't and yes its so hard to go back to my husband. I dont want to hurt anyone. Like I said before there might be other issues within' you that you haven't seen until you explore them with a counselor. You really haven't talked to us about your marriage with your husband and what has gone on in that. There is a reason why you don't love someone anymore. Apparently (this is just a guess) that the communication between you & your husband either doesn't exist or you two are on different communication levels. That is usually the start of alot of problems in a marriage. What you say to each other is not understood by the spouse. You may have felt unloved, unwanted and just pulled yourself away from your husband and found a temporary fix in this new guy. However note that what this new guy is giving to you is what he's not giving his wife. With that said overtime there is a good chance this new guy would do this to you as well. This new guy makes you feel good because you are feeling wanted, something you haven't felt in such a long time? You are not in 'rut' with this new guy like your husband and you can communicate on a level that he understands? However it's all tainted because you two are trying to start a relationship based on mistrust & deceit. You would really never be able to 'fully 100% trust this guy' because of his past actions even though they were with you. Good chance he would also feel this way. Did you fall out of love with your husband before you even met this guy? That's a question that will help you down the path to the right choice. The marriage with your husband and the affair with this other guy are TWO seperate issues. Even though they have an affect on each other you need to treat them differently. You are not a bad person but has made a bad choice. Millions of people make bad choices. It's a matter of learning from all of this and find out exactly what you want in life. This is also a time that you need to think about your husband even if you don't think you love him anymore. Please also remember being 'in love' and 'love' are two different things as well.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Trust me, this 'love' will die out eventually. But you have to stop feeding it by dwelling on him. I promise you if you refuse to think about him and keep yourself busy otherwise, eventually you won't feel so much as the slightest twinge should you pass in the street. Outcast, I've always enjoyed your comments. I want to believe you when you say that 'love will die out eventually.' Really, how do you know? Especially, if you don't have a chance to find closure to the relationship (or affair, if you like)? I don't mean to attack you, I am asking for advice. I am in the same boat as the OP. I have been avoiding my MM for the past 8 months... but my feelings for him haven't changed! I don't think that 'love' dies if it is not resoved, ie. by witnessing some type of cruel behavior from HIM!! Like the OP, I've never experience 'love' like this. Mind you, I've only been with (dated and slept with) one man my entire life. My heart has never been broken before... until now.
Trimmer Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Yes I believe this guy loves me but I dont think he's strong enought to leave his wife. Maybe he's discovered that he is strong enough to stay.
RecoverMe Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I have to agree with the others that he most likely won't leave his wife and you are in a false relationship, where he looks great b/c it is not realistic. My brother thought he found his soulmate, left his wife with two babies to be with this "soulmate" and she never left her husband. Now my brother is alone and pretty bitter, 8 years later. Look at your husband and think of all the things that originally attracted you to him in the first place, are those feelings buried somewhere and can they be resurrected? Counseling will help you two enormously right now. Please consider saving YOUR marriage and YOURSELF, and I know it is hard to do right now, but think more of how you value yourself over how you value this OM. and good luck!
Recommended Posts