insomnie Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I have a general question here: When is it inappropriate to start talking about the future? My boyfriend and I are both twenty and have been together for two years. There has been no mention of anything like moving in togheter or marriage in the distant future. I am going to graduate and probably move out of the state next May and I feel kind of insecure about the fact that he doesn't want ot make any kind of plans with me. Don't get me wrong- I dont want to get married RIGHT NOW (or before I am twenty-five) but I kind of feel like after two years...we should ahve some idea about where this can go. But, any time I try to engage him in those kinds of conversations he pulls away to the point where we almost break up because he feels like I am taking away his freedom. And I don't even mention marriage! He pulls away at the very thought that if he goes away for the weekend with his friends, he should call me. I understand we are young, but am I dealing with a commitment-phobe here, or simply expecting too much out of someone who is only twenty? I just look at other couples our age and people are moving in togheter, sharing things (we don't so much as own a blanket together), taking trips... while I haven't even met a lot of his friends, and he explicitly tells me he doens't want to "merge" lives.
Outcast Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 It will be a long long time before this one grows up and realizes 'freedom' ain't all it's cracked up to be. I'd not waste any more years of my life hanging around waiting for him if I were you.
Sally00 Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I'd say maybe after about a few months or so, it's probably normally acceptable to start talking about the future/marriage. That's just me. I am also 20. I've been dating one of my best friends of over a year for almost 6 months now. We've always talked about marriage. I'd say we're practically engaged because he's always asked me to marry him and I've always said yes. Hmmm... after 2 years, ya'll haven't started talking about the future? That kind of seems odd to me, to be honest. If he really loves you and is committed to you, he wouldn't be so afraid to talk about the future. And I totally understand about wanting a committment and seeing what the future may hold. I'm just like you. To me, the point of dating is to find your potential husband/wife... right?? It sounds like he's too scared. And I honestly don't think you're expecting too much. 2 years is a very long time. It's crazy! I also see everyone around me moving in together, getting engaged, getting married... and they're our age or younger. I'm like WHOA. What's this "merge lives" deal he has? I don't think he's very serious with you from what it sounds like. Ya'll might not be on the same page. Communication is important. I think talking about this... atleast just mentioning the future should be brought up. I mean, my boyfriend has always introduced me to his friends, and his family, and we even took a little trip together last weekend with his best friend and his g/f. So... that's what I think. Might want to seriously bring it up. You need to know if ya'll are on the same page. The longer you wait, the more you'll get hurt. I hope things go well for you.
beachlover Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I am in a very similar situation as you... I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years (I'm almost 20 and he is 22) and we have been talking about marriage for the last year (maybe more). I am moving across the country in a year or so and he doesn't know if he is going to come with me (I am going for grad school and he will already be done with school so I have to go) I would suggest talking about your moving and see what his thoughts are on that, ask what is going to happen between the two of you, etc. See if he has any intention of continuing to date you. If that doesn't get you anywhere you have two choices: you can move on now or wait until you move and see what happens, long distance relationships can work (I have been doing it off and on for the last two years) but they are not the easiest I hope you get some answers from him, I know how frustrating it can be.
Author insomnie Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 Thanks for the responses! I KNOW we are not on the same page. He's made that very clear. What I want to know is if that needs to be a deal breaker, or if people tend to come around, especially since we're so young. I read about those relationships where after 10 years the woman finally wants to get married and the guy balks at the very thought of commitment...and I know I don't want that for myself. It also hurts me very much that my boyfriend is loving and fantastic....but only as long as there is no pressure on him to BE my boyfriend. To be there for me when I need him, to reassure me of his commitment, to meet my needs or expectations, etc. It's like as soon as I question anything, or tell him I want him to change his behaivior in the smallest way, he wants to break up, telling me how trapped he feels and how unhappy that makes him. I love him a LOT and he makes me very happy when I don't exert any pressure...but I am starting to wonder if I am not being naive in staying with him.
allina Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I am also 20. I've been dating one of my best friends of over a year for almost 6 months now. We've always talked about marriage. I'd say we're practically engaged because he's always asked me to marry him and I've always said yes. You're only 20 and dating for 6 months is very very short. I'm sorry but I feel like you may be in for a rude awakening.
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