Guest Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I haven't seen the married man in 3 weeks. He just disappeared. And I wrote him and told him that when he gets back, he will need to realize that pain is not only for what he did to her but also what he did to me. He is the type of person that pits one woman against another. I mean, he pitted me against her for 3 years. And now that she found out, he is making me the fall guy for everything. It's amazing how men can go from one to the next and be the one to save the day for everyone. Sure he loves her (although he had told me he didn't), but he really just doesn't want to lose his house, kids, and the money. But this is what he wrote me after two weeks of my NC until I finally wrote him a kiss off letter. This sounds like a womans writing to me. "Connie, I am not sure about anything anymore but I know that I am not going to deal with this alone. I will let Sheila know as soon as you are ready to meet with me, Sheila and someone else you should bring. I will face my responsabilities. If this will cost everything I have so be it. Whatever decision is made it will be done in the open. I am waiting for your reply. Neil" He will face his responsibilities. If he had faced his responsibilities, he would have divorced her or never married her or never gotten with me. If he had faced his responsibilities, he would have told her the truth from day one. Then it's funny how he says that he is not going to deal with this alone. He doesn't have the courage to stand on his own two feet. That's why he goes from one woman to the next. He wouldn't know the meaning of alone...but I do. He says he will handle the responsibility even if it costs him everything so be it. (it almost sounds like a therapist told him that). And then for him to say that he will do it even if it costs him everything. Yeah right. If that was the case, he would have lost everything to be with me. He isn't trying to lose everything. IF that was the case I would have heard from him sooner. He's full of bull caca. And then he says it needs to be in the open. As if I am the one that wanted it closed. He is the one that wanted it closed. he didn't want it in the open when I drove him to his house and was going to tell him myself! What a loser. I don't know if I should respond. I am moving on...but I am angry and hurt. And I don't care what anyone says, the wife isn't too upset because he is using his own lies against me.
yesmaybe Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Actually, his email and proposed plan sound like he's doing the right thing. My experience with men - when they need to figure something out, they disappear for a while. They need space and time. And his plan - to have everyone confront one another, with no secrets and mixed messages - sounds like a very wise, mature act. If he's seeing a therapist - good for him. So what if he can't do it by himself? He's not bringing his mother...he's bringing his wife, who is his partner and deeply involved in whatever decision is made. He was probably a big time a**h*** in the past, but he seems to be trying to find an honest resolution for everyonenow. So...are you upset because he seems to be siding with his wife, not you?
Mascara Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Umm no actually I disagree. This is not him being noble - this is him bowing down to a condition the wife has laid down. He has gone right into "OMG, she found out, I do want to stay in this marriage after all, I better do anything she says". He is not doing it for you, he's doing it because she has told him she wants to meet you or else. And you know why? Because she is going to make you sit there and listen to him tell you it's over, that he never loved you, that he wants his wife, that you were a mistake. She wants to witness that, and of course he's going to do it. She also probably wants a few answers herself, answers that she can't trust him not to lie about. But the main reason is to force him to tell you what he has been telling her since she found out. However.... they can only do this if you agree. Send him a laughing note telling him he must be out of his tree. Thanks, but no thanks.
CeeJayXX Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Ya, I would get right on that...meeting with him and W...HA! Never!... I would send a reply back (because Im sure W was right over his shoulder as he sent one to you.)...letting him know that you are happy to see he is doing everything thing he had planned to do should the two of you get caught. Tell him that you got the "hint" and won't show up as the two of you had talked about...but thanks for the "eagle flys at midnight" email. End it with Take Care! That should keep him busy for awhile - trying to explain that stuff to W all by his lonesome. Good luck!
newbby Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Umm no actually I disagree. This is not him being noble - this is him bowing down to a condition the wife has laid down. He has gone right into "OMG, she found out, I do want to stay in this marriage after all, I better do anything she says". He is not doing it for you, he's doing it because she has told him she wants to meet you or else. And you know why? Because she is going to make you sit there and listen to him tell you it's over, that he never loved you, that he wants his wife, that you were a mistake. She wants to witness that, and of course he's going to do it. She also probably wants a few answers herself, answers that she can't trust him not to lie about. But the main reason is to force him to tell you what he has been telling her since she found out. However.... they can only do this if you agree. Send him a laughing note telling him he must be out of his tree. Thanks, but no thanks. totally agree, good post
Sami_D Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Ya, I would get right on that...meeting with him and W...HA! Never!... I would send a reply back (because Im sure W was right over his shoulder as he sent one to you.)...letting him know that you are happy to see he is doing everything thing he had planned to do should the two of you get caught. Tell him that you got the "hint" and won't show up as the two of you had talked about...but thanks for the "eagle flys at midnight" email. End it with Take Care! That should keep him busy for awhile - trying to explain that stuff to W all by his lonesome. Good luck! LMAO... now THAT is seriously funny
Guest Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Ya, I would get right on that...meeting with him and W...HA! Never!... I would send a reply back (because Im sure W was right over his shoulder as he sent one to you.)...letting him know that you are happy to see he is doing everything thing he had planned to do should the two of you get caught. Tell him that you got the "hint" and won't show up as the two of you had talked about...but thanks for the "eagle flys at midnight" email. End it with Take Care! That should keep him busy for awhile - trying to explain that stuff to W all by his lonesome. Good luck! That is seriously disgusting. So he decided to stay with his wife. This is the way YOU treat the man you supposedly love? No wonder he decided to stay with his wife.
Walking away Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I wouldn't meet with them either. You are probably too fragile to deal with her right now and she is gonna be out for blood. Stay away. Let him deal with his wife on his own. His mess....he can clean it up. And Ceejay... I'm LMAO too! WA
Walking away Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Umm no actually I disagree. This is not him being noble - this is him bowing down to a condition the wife has laid down. He has gone right into "OMG, she found out, I do want to stay in this marriage after all, I better do anything she says". He is not doing it for you, he's doing it because she has told him she wants to meet you or else. And you know why? Because she is going to make you sit there and listen to him tell you it's over, that he never loved you, that he wants his wife, that you were a mistake. She wants to witness that, and of course he's going to do it. She also probably wants a few answers herself, answers that she can't trust him not to lie about. But the main reason is to force him to tell you what he has been telling her since she found out. However.... they can only do this if you agree. Send him a laughing note telling him he must be out of his tree. Thanks, but no thanks. I agree completely....about ALL of it. Especially him being out of his tree.... You guys have a killer sense of humor. I love it!
My_Other_I Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Guest, I would not reply. If you are really moving on and have no interest in this man, then it's not worth your time and worries. All it's gonna do is that the wife will hate you even more, he will feed her even more lies, etc. It will start another way of communication that will not stop until you stop it. Let them be, let them deal with it, and work on your own life. I'm sure you don't need anymore stress in your life at this point. If that is the case, just remember that you don't owe them anything - and I mean NOTHING what so ever. If you feel guilty, deal with it within yourself and with the help of friends and family. If you feel angry, sad, etc., do the same. Do not get in touch with him for any reason. He's made his choice and you can make your own now. The faster you forget them, the faster you will become happy with yourself and your life.
norajane Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I agree it's probably best not to reply at all, and just move on...but it would be tempting to me to go to the session and confront him with his wife there - what better way to make him admit to ALL the lies and deceptions with which he's been fooling both of you? But that's probably not a good idea if you're still hurt. You'd need to be strong enough not to let his wife make you feel like dirt, because she'll probably try.
My_Other_I Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 but it would be tempting to me to go to the session and confront him with his wife there - what better way to make him admit to ALL the lies and deceptions with which he's been fooling both of you? Believe me, nothing good can come out of that one. She will come to the meeting with her mind already made up and closed to what the OW has to say. He will keep playing the game and the OW will be frustrated and desperated to be heard - for any price and just to be dissappointed. Everyone will leave disturbed. The W will hate the OW even more and think of her as being a liar. She will believe her H because she really, desperatelly wants to believe him at this point. As for the MM, the common thing is that they will tell you they just said it to shut the W up but didn't mean it. He will be back, and he will be a bigger liar and player than ever. They don't give up easily. It's time to take care of yourself. No matter how tempted you are to make contact, I advise you not to. You will regret it later.
Guest Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 However.... they can only do this if you agree. Send him a laughing note telling him he must be out of his tree. Thanks, but no thanks. EXACTLY!!!!
Guest Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Actually, his email and proposed plan sound like he's doing the right thing. My experience with men - when they need to figure something out, they disappear for a while. They need space and time. And his plan - to have everyone confront one another, with no secrets and mixed messages - sounds like a very wise, mature act. If he's seeing a therapist - good for him. So what if he can't do it by himself? He's not bringing his mother...he's bringing his wife, who is his partner and deeply involved in whatever decision is made. He was probably a big time a**h*** in the past, but he seems to be trying to find an honest resolution for everyonenow. So...are you upset because he seems to be siding with his wife, not you? To tell you the truth, he would still see me had she not found out. He is saying that things should be in the OPEN but it's only because he got caught. He didn't do this as a choice but as a reaction. He's performing but he is going to deal with the same woman who will not see her part played in this. I had a choice, he had a choice, and I can accept that. But the wife had a choice, too, in my situation. She had a choice to not spit in his face when she had hissy fits. She had a choice to cook dinner in the evening although he works all day and she babysits 2 kids and sits home all day for the last 15 years. She had a choice to not get fake breasts knowing that he doesn't like them, and on and on. Even if we all got together, he would give mixed messages and he would LIE to hide it from her. He would because he wants to save the marriage. I know this because we already had this encounter. To the others who responded: I don't need to contact him as a means to get back in love or in a relationship with him. I feel like I need to contact him for some closure. I am in a lot of pain right now because of the entire situation. It's like coming off of crack. Sure he is going to marriage counseling but I can't afford counseling (thanks to loveshack for some therapy!) It's like carrying luggage holding in all of my feelings. I won't see him to cry or to hug one last time as if we are at an airport and he is boarding a plane to the antartica. But I want to say some things to him, directly to him, without his wife or any naysayer running their mouths to tell me that I don't deserve to find closure and peace. And as far as sides go, sure I am mad! He loved me and still loves me. He liked spending time with me and we did talk that if things were different, he could have had fun with me for a very long time and possibly married me when we were younger. And I do believe this because although his statements about his feelings are different now, he really meant what he said to me.
Guest Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 And one more thing I noticed if you read the email. He is talking about HIM. He mentions his wife only to talk about what she is going to do for HIM. But she is not saying that he is doing it for HER nor that he is caring about me. Married men are truly selfish. I don't care how much money they have or what they own or what they buy their wives and women, they are truly out for themselves.
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