Is divorce in my future?

[Melinda42]

Here it is my life.

I am a 25 year old stay at home mother of 3. I have been married since I was 18 and been with my husband since I was 16. We have a nice home in a good neighborhood and our kids have everything that they could want. It was rough at first but we have worked through it all. An unexpected pregnancy, buying our first home, getting married, having a second child, refinancing our home to pay off bills, having the third child. Selling our first home and moving into a bigger nicer second home. Major surgeries and bankruptcy. From drug problems in our early years together to having to deal with problems in each others families. I feel we have been through it all.

Then after settling into our new home I had internet installed so I could try to help out financially by finding an online job. On several occations I forgot what sites I had visited and noticed that I was duplicating my search so I started tracking the history on the computer. Here is were it gets bad... My loving husband was visiting adult match sites like adultfriendfinder.com and mate1.com. He was doing this several days a week. Wondering if he was just looking at the photos that r often available to view on these sites I checked to see if he had a profile. My husband is a pretty predictable man and he did not disappoint me in that aspect. Finding his favorite nickname on the site and a profile decribing him was not all that hard. The only differance in him and his profile was his home town. So instead of confronting him I wondered how far he was going with this. Sometimes u have to set up a profile just to look I put a key logger on our computer. Since he is not computer savy he has yet to discover it.

Well he started emailing a girl back and forth from one of the sites. This has been going on for about 3 months now. The have talked sexual to each other through emails and IM. They have also talked about meeting on several occations. He told her about the woman he has kissed but that he just could not go through with having intercourse with them. I have never cheated on my husband and have never thought about doing so. Obviously he has. So during some of the talks they have gotten to the more personal side of there relationships with their partners. The girl he talks to has a boyfriend but she is not happy in her relationship. My husband has told her about me and our kids. Not giving names or anything like that which is a good thing but telling her about us. Telling her that he does not feel that he is attracted to me anymore because I have put on some weight since having our kids. He says he does not mind it because it is not something I could control it just came with the kids. He says we do not have the same things in common anymore and he wants to go out and have fun and drink and be with friends when all I want to do is stay at home. He is correct in part of it. I do not mind going out once in awhile and having a good time but with 3 kids to care for it is not always easy. He says he does not think he is in love with me anymore. Here is were the problem is. He has talked to the girl online about this and told her he has talked to other family members about it. And that they have said if nothing I do bothers him but he still feels that he is not in love anymore than he should leave so that he will be happier.

I know all this just because of the key logger. I have yet to hear any of this from him. After reading some of it I thought of confronting him but was unsure what to say. Thinking he would feel betrayed by me because I felt I had to spy on his online activity. I have noticed that he has been more with drawn from me lately. We do not talk at all except to say pass the rolls.... We do not discuss what is going on in each others lives. I stay home each day so all I have to talk about is the recent potty training experiance with our youngest and what activities are planned for the next day. Since he works away from home he is out and about all day. He does not understand when he comes home why if I have to go to the store I do not want to take 3 kids with me because he is tired or wants to go to a friends house. I don't know what to do about this. I do still love him and would like to make things work but from his emails it seems he is not even willing to try. Should I bring this up to him? What should I say? I am totally confused on how to proceed with my life. I am thinking no wonder he is not attracted to me anymore... I am over weight (by about 40-50lbs), have no job, never finished college because we started a family, have no friends that r not his friends too, have no money. I feel that with out him I do not have anything but my kids. Now don't worry I would never think of doing anything stupid and harm myself. I love my kids to much for that. But what am I going to do with my marriage???

I could really use some help or advice on this one. I am so scared of what is to come. Sometimes I think he will not know what he has until he has lost it. I am already feeling like I have lost him. Trying to remember the last time he said I love u or had the look in his eye that he cares....

Please help me...

[tikigods]

I think that this is common for people who date and marry young. They tend to look and start wonderinf what they missed out on. Now I would first suggest getting counsoling (sp) together, or just you diong it yourself. If he is willing to work out the problems between the two of you then YAY, but if not its time to figure out an exit stragity.

[Lor]

I would say to confront him. He will get angry, thinking you were snooping, which you do have the right, and it sounds like you had good reason. Explain to him how you found out. He may hear you, he may not.

Get it out in the open.

 

Be prepared that he will leave. You honestly won't know what he will do until he is confronted.

 

If you are unhappy with yourself, start doing something about it. You need to make yourself feel more attractive right now, even if its nothing big. Get a haircut, buy a new shirt--Walmart has great ones really cheap. I know it sounds easier than it is but if you want to lose weight, then start working on that. You don't need to join an expensive gym--start walking with the kids during the day. A friend of mine has lost 245 lbs just by walking and watching what she eats--honestly!! She could barely make it to the mailbox, now she's up to 11 miles a day. If it doesn't attract his attention, it will still make you feel better about yourself.

 

It sounds like you need to get some outside interests, too. Are your kids old enough for sports? That is a great way to meet other parents. Don't live your life for him, get one of your own. Yes, it is very hard to deal with 3 kids when you go out--I have 3 of my own. Would he be interested in having a family member babysit so the two of you can go out? Why not go to his friends house's with him? I never wanted to go with my H cuz I couldn't have fun with 3 kids in tow and so he quit asking me. YOU could go! You might have fun, meet his friend's W and GF and find out that you can have friends of your own.

 

As far as the email thing goes, he's living out a fantasy. Remember, everyone is better looking, smarter and sexier on-line.

[Ladyjane14]

You can't solve a problem without first identifying it and then CONFRONTING it. While it's true that having an unpleasant conversation about why you put a keylogger on the computer is nothing much to look forward to.... it is what it is.

 

Your husband called your suspicions down upon himself by engaging in behavior that is unsuitable for married men. If there hadn't been any "friend-finder sites" in the history.... you wouldn't have installed the keylogger, right? His action cause your REaction.

 

These cyber relationships are not always benign. And the escapism that they engender doesn't address whatever problems are existing within the marriage. IOW, he can't effectively solve whatever problem he's having within the marriage by looking for answers outside of it.

 

If I were you, I'd print out my evidence and CONFRONT him with it. You'll lose your source of info.... but your source won't be as valuable to you as catching him before he messes up. And if he keeps going at this rate... he WILL ruin his home-deal.

[Melinda42]

There are many good points above. I do try to go out with him as much as possible but if it is an enviroment that is not suitable for children we can not always find a baby sitter. There are several family members that will watch the kids for us but if he wants to go out twice in one weekend or two or three weekends in a row I feel guilty that someone else is taking care of our kids. He never seems to want to do anything as a family.

I know several of his friends wives but I don't know if I would call them my friends. I mean they r my friends but I wonder if I would still have a relationship with them if my husband and I were still together.

I do need to start doing things for myself more. I do walk with the kids but not as much as I should. Any more advice???

[Lor]

You won't honestly know which steps to take next until you confront him. I would have to go with Becomings logic this time: confront and make demands. He is to stop the online stuff if he wants to keep you and the kids.

 

Find out what he thinks he's missing in the relationship and start working on that.

 

But concentrate on you! You don't sound like you have a lot of self-esteem.

[Billy Bob]

OK, first off don't believe anything your husband has said to the other woman. You husband is playing a little fantasy game and of course he is not going to tell the woman over e-mail that he really loves his wife. Some guys just like the thrill of having another woman attracted to them, he is going to flirt with her, tell her lots of BS about being sexually frustrated, tell her you no longer like sex, blah blah blah..

 

I do believe he is semi-serioulsy looking to get laid by another woman. I don't think its as much about you as it is about him. He is looking for validation that he's still got it. What he does not realize that the fantasy is way different than the reality. Remember men can have sex without any emotional attachment.

 

I think you could solve the whole problem by just putting your own profile/picture on adultfriendfinder for about 3 days, list in the same city your husband listed. Put down that you want a "real man' to satisfy you.. heh heh.. Wouldn't he have a shock when he ran accross your add.

 

Or tell him one of your girlfriends saw his picture on the sex classifieds site...tell him you might be interested in putting an add up too. Don't sit around all hurt and shocked talking about divorce or seperation.

 

Don't be confrontational, ask him if he would help you write an add. As soon as he thinks his wife, the mother of his 3 children might want to be sexual with other men he is going to freak. Tell him whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Tell him if your both going to be in an open relationship that you need to agree on monthly STD checks. Really freak him out.

 

I really don't think your husband is thinking about leaving you or the kids, but he may be sexually frustrated or just have a 7 year itch.

[Lor]

I think you could solve the whole problem by just putting your own profile/picture on adultfriendfinder for about 3 days, list in the same city your husband listed. Put down that you want a "real man' to satisfy you.. heh heh.. Wouldn't he have a shock when he ran accross your add.

 

Or tell him one of your girlfriends saw his picture on the sex classifieds site...tell him you might be interested in putting an add up too. Don't sit around all hurt and shocked talking about divorce or seperation.

 

Don't be confrontational, ask him if he would help you write an add. As soon as he thinks his wife, the mother of his 3 children might want to be sexual with other men he is going to freak. Tell him whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Tell him if your both going to be in an open relationship that you need to agree on monthly STD checks. Really freak him out.

 

Sounds good on paper but I don't think I'd handle it that way.

[Billy Bob]

What you have to realize is that a lifetime is long time to be married and that there are going to be many temptations and problems along the way. Don't overreact, try to open communication. Do you tell your husband he's sexy? Do you have a satisfying sex life? How do you spice things up? Sit down and ask him what he wants sexually from you and what you want sexually from him.

 

Leave him at home with the kids sometimes, dress up and go out with the girls. Be a little selfish, get him wondering whats going on with you.

 

I hope I've given you some ideas.

[Billy Bob]

He has talked to the girl online about this and told her he has talked to other family members about it. And that they have said if nothing I do bothers him but he still feels that he is not in love anymore than he should leave so that he will be happier.

 

Really don't believe anything he tells this sex site girl. Also be aware that any girl your husband meets on sex.com or any other sex site who is in any way good looking is also chatting with 50 other horny married guys as well.

[Lor]

What kind of relationship do you have with his family? If they knew, would they tell you or is he blowing smoke at the online girl to make her more receptive?

[Melinda42]

Well to address alot of the things said above and to try and help u all understand more. I do beleive in the 7 yr itch. I beleive my husband still loves me but is looking to get some more experiance. I don't think me saying I was going to put an ad up on an adult site would matter to him. He would probably like it. Not like me acting on it but like the idea of other men wanting me. I don't know for sure I just think this.

I beleive I do have low self-esteem I think I have brought it on myself and can make steps to change that. I know I am worth more than I say I just feel like I am not sometimes.

His family and I are close. If there were any problems I could call them and they would help me out. Some of his family would tell me if he talked to them about these things but others would not. I would go as far to say that if he decided to have an affair they would probably help him by lying to me about were he was or what he has been doing. Some of his family (a parent, a sibling and maybe some cousins) beleive that the blood family ties are alot stronger then just marrying into a family as I have done with his. They would most likely take his side on things. If things went bad between us it would be my fault not his. U guys understand that???

I am not as close with my family as he is with his. Alot of it has to do with some divorces and things like that. They still love him and care for him but I just am not as close to them as I once was. Some of it has to do with him but some of it is by my choice. So to answer the question. No I do not think his family would tell me if he was having these thoughts of leaving me.

Any one have any advice on how to work through the seven year itch. He has said alot of the things like we do not have enough sex.... and that he is unhappy... to this online girl its like u were reading his mail... Any suggestions on how to work through it???

[Billy Bob]

Sounds good on paper but I don't think I'd handle it that way.

 

I know, I know... But I really can't believe how sensitive some of you gals are to guys looking at internet porn and sex match sites. Shoot I have a subscription to Playboy big deal! Guys are visual and the internet is typically an anonymous way for a guy to look at whatever kink he desires. He doesn't feel he is hurting anyone. It sounds like all he has done is set up a fake profile on adultfriendfinder that lists him in a different city. He has talked dirty to a gal (who could be a perverted guy pretending to be a gal for all we know) a few times on the internet, probably making up all sorts of crap just to see if he could land her.

 

Really, from a guy's perspective it isn't that big of deal. If he was really looking to cheat on his wife all he has to do is go hang out at a dance club or bar.

 

A guy would think that he is not hurting his wife because he has not done anything except screw around on the computer. I seriously doubt he has any emotional attachment to bigboobs4U (or whatever her screen name is) on adult friend finder. Its probably pretty harmless unless it goes beyond fantasy and he actually starts meeting these gals and having sex.

 

Its only going to be a big deal if you make it one. Just tell him you saw he was on adultfriendfinder and ask if he's just fooling around or if he is really unsatisfied in the marriage. Open up a line of communication. Don't sit here and theorize whether he is going to leave you or whether you should divorce. In his mind its probably not that big of deal. Tell him it bugs you when he visits these sites and that it would really dissappoint you if he actually signed up and made a profile.

 

Just don't overreact and make this into more than it might be.

[Billy Bob]

Sounds good on paper but I don't think I'd handle it that way.

 

I know, I know... But I really can't believe how sensitive some of you gals are to guys looking at internet porn and sex match sites. Shoot I have a subscription to Playboy big deal! Guys are visual and the internet is typically an anonymous way for a guy to look at whatever kink he desires. He doesn't feel he is hurting anyone. It sounds like all he has done is set up a fake profile on adultfriendfinder that lists him in a different city. He has talked dirty to a gal (who could be a perverted guy pretending to be a gal for all we know) a few times on the internet, probably making up all sorts of crap just to see if he could land her.

 

Really, from a guy's perspective it isn't that big of deal. If he was really looking to cheat on his wife all he has to do is go hang out at a dance club or bar.

 

A guy would think that he is not hurting his wife because he has not done anything except screw around on the computer. I seriously doubt he has any emotional attachment to bigboobs4U (or whatever her screen name is) on adult friend finder. Its probably pretty harmless unless it goes beyond fantasy and he actually starts meeting these gals and having sex.

 

Its only going to be a big deal if you make it one. Just tell him you saw he was on adultfriendfinder and ask if he's just fooling around or if he is really unsatisfied in the marriage. Open up a line of communication. Don't sit here and theorize whether he is going to leave you or whether you should divorce. In his mind its probably not that big of deal. Tell him it bugs you when he visits these sites and that it would really dissappoint you if he actually signed up and made a profile.

 

Just don't overreact and make this into more than it might be.

[Billy Bob]

Any one have any advice on how to work through the seven year itch. He has said alot of the things like we do not have enough sex.... and that he is unhappy... to this online girl its like u were reading his mail... Any suggestions on how to work through it???

 

Well, you could see a couples couselor or sex tharapist? How often do you have sex or are you intimate? If he is a healthy guy in his 20's he probably needs it more than once a month or once a week. I'm in my mid 30's and I still like it at least 1X day. I personally would see a problem in my marriage (at my age) if I did not have sex at least 2-3 times per week.. if it started dropping off to once a week I'd figure there was something wrong.

 

I think a big problem a lot of guys have is that it seems that their wives lose interest in sex after/with small kids are around. So it sounds like as you said your overweight, have no friends, don't like to go out and are complely dependant on him for your happiness. Throw in lack of sex drive (assumption) and three needy kids.. would you be attracted to the reverse?

 

How attractive is an overweight guy who sits around the house all day, never goes out and isn't interested in you sexually?

 

I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to paint a picture. You need to :

 

1. Join a gym - start taking care of yourself - eat right. Take an interest in being sexy - tell your husband he needs to watch the kids while you are out.

2. Get some hobbies, find other interests and other friends. Stop being so dependant on your husband for your happiness.

 

Lastly, show some interest in your husband sexually. This is probably the most important. He has needs and wants to be desired by a woman. Tell him your horny, try differnt positions, wear lingerie, rent a porn.. whatever.. Just don't be apathetic about sex or he will stray. really, try it for a while and watch him change.

[Melinda42]

Well thats that I guess....

My husband and I just had a talk. I guess i could feel it was coming. He said that he is unhappy and does not want to be married any more. He left to go stay with family or something and will be back tomorrow night so we can tell the kids. I don't know how much they will understand.... He says that he does not know why he is unhappy it is nothing that I have done or didn't do. He just feels he is not in love with me anymore that we have grown apart... No other reason. He says he has not cheated on me and I beleive him. I know he would not do that to me.

So that is that. Divorce is in my future.

[Trimmer]

Melinda - this is obviously a huge decision - are you sure you want to tell the kids so quickly, before you've even had a chance to process it yourself? I'm not suggesting hiding it from them for a long time, but I think it is important to make sure you yourself are stable and have your feelings at least a little bit under control.

 

It sounds like you consider it a certainty at this point - do you want to tell us more about your talk with him? Did your husband say "I'm leaving and there's absolutely nothing we can do", or did you come to that conclusion yourself, or was it a mutual agreement? Either way, I think you should give yourselves a cooling off period - sleep on it for a few days. I'm all for being carefully honest and open with your kids, but this is all so new and sudden, I think you can afford to start processing it and dealing with it all yourself before you need to bring the kids in on it.

 

And when you are ready to tell the kids, I got some good advice from folks here in this thread, if you feel like reading some firsthand experiences...

[Lor]

Well thats that I guess....He said that he is unhappy and does not want to be married any more.

 

Cripes I'm so sick of this! What kind of society have we become that this is the norm? Does anyone else want to grab these H & W's that say this like asking to please pass the butter and shake the living *** out of them? Why can't we grow up and quit being so selfish? Why can't we see what we do to each other before it gets to this point?

 

Sorry, its a depressing day and I am so tired of it all. "I need space." "I don't love you anymore." "I'm not happy." "Maybe I can be happier with someone else." Blah Blah Blah. And in the meantime, our children suffer, our relatives suffer, our friendships suffer, our lives suffer. And for what? So we can persue that unattainable happiness we all so much crave.

 

All any of us ever wanted was to find the one we love, settle down like June and Ward Cleaver, raise our children, make a home and have a good, solid, stable marriage and llife.

 

But one false move and BAM! "I'M LEAVING YOU." How easy it all sounds. How easy it is to just give up. So our kids will come from a divorced family? So what? Millions of other people do it, right???

[Melinda42]

Well as to talking to the talk we had I asked him if he wanted to try to work things out any see a marriage counsler. He said he doesn't think there is anything to work on. I asked if he wanted to just try a seperation and maybe get to know each other again by going on little dates and family outings putting us first for once. He said he wants a divorce and he does not think working on it will help.

I would like to be one of the people who beg and would be happy with just having him around but I refuse to be with someone who does not share my feelings. I told him I was not going to ask him to leave his own home and his family. If that was what he wanted to do it was on him.

He said he thought it would be easier that way. He does work out of town sometimes so we could put off telling the kids. I have thought of that also. Before we tell them I am going to talk to him and make sure this is what he wants for sure. I am not going to put my kids through anything they dont have to go through.

As far as what Lor said about being sick of hearing the I don't love u's anymore. I agree. I don't think people these days give marriage a chance. It is something that u have to work on not just give up on. But as he said if the love is not there then what is there to work on? I would be willing to give just about anything a try because the feelings r not mutual. I do still love him I should say I am still in love with him. Him and the kids have been my life and what I have worked for. I don't want to lose him but I don't want him to stay because he feels sorry for me... I don't want that kind of relationship.

Thank u all for your ideas. I will make sure to keep u posted on the happenings. Does anyone have any advice on child support???? He said he would help out with what ever the kids and I need and give me as much money as I needed and I told him I couldn't put a price on my kids... I didn't know what would be a fair price for child support. I don't want to take everything he has but I want to make sure my kids are taken care off. He is asking for nothing. Not the car or furniture nothing. Which I don't want it all either. But i don't know what would be fair. We have agreed not to go through the whole pricy lawyer thing but I don't know how to seek the information I need on child support and things like that.

Anyone have any ideas on it????

[Lor]

Melinda,

 

sorry if I took a wrong turn on this. None of it was directed at you, saying you were giving up. I was referring to our spouses that can so glibly turn to us one day and say that everything we know is gone.

 

I'm doing an uncontested divorce. Look up the divorce forms and child support worksheets for your state. Maybe your state has something similar.

 

Good luck to you.

[dgiirl]

Melinda, I think it's important for you to atleast get an initial consultation with a lawyer. Right now, he says he doesnt want this and that and will do this and that. Right now, he's full of guilt and he's saying a lot of things that may or may not become true to assuage that guilt. You need to protect yourself and your kids and I think the only way to do that properly is to seek legal consultation. Most people dont want to go the lawyer route because they fear things will get ugly. It doesnt HAVE to get ugly. You have control over that even with a lawyer by your side. Remember, they work for YOU. If you dont think something is fair, you dont need to ask for it. But the lawyer is there for you to make sure you dont regret anything in the future. I would start documenting everything he says. Maybe keep two journals, one for your personal feelings, and one just for the facts. That way, if you ever need it, you have one unbiased journal.

 

Lor, I agree with you. I dont think people earn their way out of a marriage anymore. They should atleast be forced to go to counselling. But on the other hand, would you really want to be with someone if you dont love them anymore? It's sucks, it's painful, it's selfish, but sometimes you have to be.

[Lor]

I know. Mine is actually my 2nd marriage. I gave up on the first one but at least I was honest with him, didn't beat around the bush and keep him dangling on a string! I told him I wanted out and I got out immediately. Melinda, if that's what he wants, count yourself lucky if he doesn't do that to you. It just makes the pain worse.

 

Sorry, its just a bad day, depressing day. I'm angry and hurt today.

 

We all have them. Guess I'll quit posting for today. maybe tomorrow will be better.

[Melinda42]

After thinking more about it I think u guys r right. I don't think now is the right time to tell the kids. The news of his unhappiness is all too new and we have to see if we can work through it or not. He has talked to some of my family and some of his. He tells them all the same thing he has told me. That he has not cheated but he does not think the fire he once had for me is still there. He says he loves me and always will. He also says he does not know why he is unhappy but that it is unfair for him to stay when he does not feel the same for me anymore. He has told my brother that he is not sure he made the right decision. I don't know where to go from here. I am so scared of being on of those people who try to hold onto someone who does not want to be held.

I understand his point of growing apart to and extent. He does enjoy doing many things that I don't. Most of them involve riding his harley and drinking with his friends. I like going riding but in order for me to go we have to find a sitter which is not always easy. I don't mind going out and having a good time but it is not possible for us .. me to do that night after night weekend after weekend. I have three kids that I have because I wanted them and I love them. I don't want them to have to be at a sitter all the time. Even though it is always family that we leave them with.

He will not do family activities with us unless we do it with another family either friends of ours of his sisters or dad. If I have an idea to go to the pool or to the lake and walk around the trails or to a carnival that is in town for a few days. Paddle boating or the movies anything to be together he never joins us. That is something that is on him. I can't help that. I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know what we should do. I know that seeking out a counseler may be a good idea but he is a man who as u can tell from reading this does not open up easily. Weather it is to people he cares about or a complete stranger. that has to be obvious since he has felt unhappy in our marriage for a year and he is just now saying something.

Is this worth trying to save?? I don't know if any of u have the answers to that. Alot of or family have said he is just confused and has had a taste of freedom after getting his harley which I can understand but why should the kids and I suffer because he is going through an early midlife crisis. They also say that because we married and started a family so young that he was not ready to settle down yet. Why did it take him 8 years to figure that out??? He is the one that was in a hurry to get married not me. I was fine just living together and raising our family. Then that peice of paper did not mean as much to me as it does today.

Like Lor said. today is not a good day. It is an unhappy confusing day. I wish all the answers could come to me but they don't.

[Lor]

....(sigh).....

 

I know I said I wouldn't post again today but, Melinda, this all now happened. Give it time. Give him time.

 

You're going to want to cry to him, beg him, rage at him, talk to him. I would say don't. That's a mistake I made--all of the above. If he wants to be alone then let him be alone. I think he'd find he misses all of you more than he thought he would but you have to leave him alone. All you'll be doing is adding fuel to the fire.

 

Come on here and vent your frustrations, hurt and anger. Don't do it to him. And, oh boy, is that easier said than done.

 

Quit worrying about him. Start looking at yourself. Seriously! Its early yet in your stage of the game but the more you do for youself the better you will feel. If you start feeling down and are crying all the time, go see your doctor about depression meds. It doesn't have to be permanent and they can make a world of difference to whether you make it thru this or not. Be prepared for questions from your kids and keep the answers general. Don't talk down about him in front of them.

 

Start doing research online about divorce in your state, that way at least you're not in the dark as to what can happen. Keep in mind, whatever you two do now will affect any relationship you have in the future, married or not. And you will have a relationship--you have kids together.

 

You like to do things with your kids then do them!! Do Not Sit At Home!

You sound like you have a level head on your shoulders. Keep your chin up and try to be strong.

[Trimmer]

Melinda - about the lawyer thing, I'm with dgiirl... I treated my visit to the lawyer just like I do my doctor: I'm the one in control, I'm asking questions, and I use it as an opportunity to educate myself from an expert in a given field. Neither one of them does anything without my consent, understanding, and full knowledge first. But most important for me was to educate myself about the specific marriage and divorce laws of my state. I didn't go in with the attitude "how do I get aggressive", I went in with the attitude "Teach me everything I need to know about this process, so I can know what I'm doing as I move forward."

 

Before I did this, I explained to my wife what I was doing and why, and encouraged her to find a lawyer with whom she could do the same. She did so, and as a result, we both got a good education about the laws of our state, and we have had a good basis to work from in our subsequent discussions, which have not involved the lawyers any further since those initial consultations. We may have them review the paperwork we prepare and that kind of stuff, but I think our process has worked well so far, and both of us are comfortable with how things are going.

 

There is no substitute to the comfort that knowledge gives you in a situation like this, and there is no better way to get that knowledge, in this case, than to sit with a real person of whom you can ask questions and who can tailor answers to the particulars of your situation. The internet is a great resource for looking up answers, etc (At the advice of my attorney, I downloaded all the forms I need to file in my state directly from the state web site - I didn't have to pay one of those "$79 divorce forms for your state" places at all), but you're never sure whether you are missing some detail along the way...

 

And then, I also agree with Lor - let yourself focus on yourself some, and realize the importance of taking good care of yourself. Clearly it's important to take good care of the kids, but make sure you are not sacrificing your well-being to that end... I know it happens. Eat well, sleep well, exercise to the degree that you can (having 3 kids is probably pretty good exercise already...) But get used to considering yourself one of the important people you need to take care of...