Living a double life

[Guest]

Im not sure where to start but I'm living a double life. No one knows, not my family or friends.My friends and family only no about my boyfriend. I am dating two guys at once and have been since August 2004. I live with my boyfrined and have a sort of friends with benefits on the side. Neither knows of hte other. was dating my boyfriend for 2 years and we had a lot of problems when the other guy came into the picture. I know these are excuses but my boyfriend wasn't affectionate or sweet to me anymore and we had no communication. I met the other guy I'll call OM and he was everything my boyfriend wasn't. He showered me with affection and attention. I didn't sleep with OM for about eight months. We just talked and cuddled and made out and spent a lot of time togehter. I got an apartment near his house (he lives with his parents) so we coudl spend time together more often. My boyfriend did not know about this.

OM wants to be with me (in a relationship) and talks about getting married one day. I know I could never do this because of how I lie to him. I tell him I live with a roommate (my boyfriend) and that he can't come over to my house because my roommate is picky adn doesn't like guys there. Plus T is not very responsible- he will not pay his truck payment because he doesn't have the extra $30 in the bank but will have $100 in his wallet and not think to take $30 of it to the bank so his paymetn is not late. Plus he lives with his parents (and is almost 30) and doesn't buy groceries or anything. He has no bills to pay other than insurance and his car payment and cigarrettes but never has any money (he will eat out seven days a week at $10 a meal)

So basically I get love and affection from T but he is not someone I could spend my life with.

my boyfriend on the other hand, cheated on me when we were first together (know that is my fault I didn't leave him) and i've resented him ever since. I didn't start this affair to hurt him or the OM. My boyfriend works two jobs so it is easy to see OM. I dont' mean to hurt either of them and have set up rules for this. like I won't have sex iwth both on the same day. I know that still doesn't make anything better.

The thing is I absolutely dispise men and women who are married adn cheat on their hubbys or wives so why am i doing this? I have tried to stop but I just miss one of them so badly that i go back. the OM suspects somethign (that I am seeing someone else) but I just lie to him. My boyfriend supsects nothing. He thinks I would never cheat on him (even though I left my ex for him and cheated WITH him) and he cheated on me at first too. I hate doing this and I do watn to stop. I've almost gotten cuaght a few times. I have nightmares about getting caught sometimes.

I wish I knew why I do this. I mean I know i like the attention from OM and he is someone to spend time cuz my boyfriend is hardly ever around. But my boyfriend is security adn ironically a chance at a future for me. He is very responsible and would make a great dad someday. He also makes me feel safe. We have an apartment together and I would hate to leave him. But I'm not sure I could give up OM. OM seems to care more about me at times than my boyfriend does but we have nothing in common. There are things I absolultey can't stand about him (like he will shoot animals- dogs, cats, that wander into his yard) while I love animals and have several pets.

A typical week is that I will see OM three or four days. Sunday is the day we spend most of the day togehter, just cuddling and watching a movie or going to the park and walking on a trail or going out and doing something. Because my boyfriend works all day on sundays. On the nights I see him I am distant from my boyfriend. But its like I have comparmentalized my feelings for both. they are two separate relationships nad one does not affect the other. That is how i keep the guilt away. Sometimes I do feel guilty and just get so sad and want to confess to both of them but that would only hurt them and I DON"T want to do that. I dont think about OM when i'm with my boyfriend and the other way around. its like two separate lives or LIES. So I know I should end it iwth BOTH of them and get help. BUt I don't know why I do this and how do I stop? This is sick I know and I used to be considered a "good girl". I am 25 and have only slept with four guys so its not like I do this sort of thing often but it just seems like I have a BIG problem with cheating. How do I stop?

[corwin]

How do I stop?

 

Easy. Tell them both the truth and let them decide if they want someone like you in their lives. Or, are you asking how can you stop without getting caught?

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if they were doing to you what you are doing to them? I also suggest that you tell both of them the truth and let them decide. You are playing a very dangerous game and they will eventually find out in the end.

 

You have a history of cheating and deceit. It is up to you if you wish to live a life of honesty and respect or lies, deceit and betrayal. A person's true character is defined by their actions and your actions speak volumes since apparently you have no problem cheating, lying and being deceitful to both men.

[little_girl]

I'm going thru the same thing & i to don't know what to do~~I could'nt believe it when i read yours~~I thought how much does that sound like my life~~the only thing that complicates mine more is I have an FWB also~~i don't want to hurt anyone either~~but someone will be hurt thru all of this i know?~~so any advice would be great:o

Im not sure where to start but I'm living a double life. No one knows, not my family or friends.My friends and family only no about my boyfriend. I am dating two guys at once and have been since August 2004. I live with my boyfrined and have a sort of friends with benefits on the side. Neither knows of hte other. was dating my boyfriend for 2 years and we had a lot of problems when the other guy came into the picture. I know these are excuses but my boyfriend wasn't affectionate or sweet to me anymore and we had no communication. I met the other guy I'll call OM and he was everything my boyfriend wasn't. He showered me with affection and attention. I didn't sleep with OM for about eight months. We just talked and cuddled and made out and spent a lot of time togehter. I got an apartment near his house (he lives with his parents) so we coudl spend time together more often. My boyfriend did not know about this.

OM wants to be with me (in a relationship) and talks about getting married one day. I know I could never do this because of how I lie to him. I tell him I live with a roommate (my boyfriend) and that he can't come over to my house because my roommate is picky adn doesn't like guys there. Plus T is not very responsible- he will not pay his truck payment because he doesn't have the extra $30 in the bank but will have $100 in his wallet and not think to take $30 of it to the bank so his paymetn is not late. Plus he lives with his parents (and is almost 30) and doesn't buy groceries or anything. He has no bills to pay other than insurance and his car payment and cigarrettes but never has any money (he will eat out seven days a week at $10 a meal)

So basically I get love and affection from T but he is not someone I could spend my life with.

my boyfriend on the other hand, cheated on me when we were first together (know that is my fault I didn't leave him) and i've resented him ever since. I didn't start this affair to hurt him or the OM. My boyfriend works two jobs so it is easy to see OM. I dont' mean to hurt either of them and have set up rules for this. like I won't have sex iwth both on the same day. I know that still doesn't make anything better.

The thing is I absolutely dispise men and women who are married adn cheat on their hubbys or wives so why am i doing this? I have tried to stop but I just miss one of them so badly that i go back. the OM suspects somethign (that I am seeing someone else) but I just lie to him. My boyfriend supsects nothing. He thinks I would never cheat on him (even though I left my ex for him and cheated WITH him) and he cheated on me at first too. I hate doing this and I do watn to stop. I've almost gotten cuaght a few times. I have nightmares about getting caught sometimes.

I wish I knew why I do this. I mean I know i like the attention from OM and he is someone to spend time cuz my boyfriend is hardly ever around. But my boyfriend is security adn ironically a chance at a future for me. He is very responsible and would make a great dad someday. He also makes me feel safe. We have an apartment together and I would hate to leave him. But I'm not sure I could give up OM. OM seems to care more about me at times than my boyfriend does but we have nothing in common. There are things I absolultey can't stand about him (like he will shoot animals- dogs, cats, that wander into his yard) while I love animals and have several pets.

A typical week is that I will see OM three or four days. Sunday is the day we spend most of the day togehter, just cuddling and watching a movie or going to the park and walking on a trail or going out and doing something. Because my boyfriend works all day on sundays. On the nights I see him I am distant from my boyfriend. But its like I have comparmentalized my feelings for both. they are two separate relationships nad one does not affect the other. That is how i keep the guilt away. Sometimes I do feel guilty and just get so sad and want to confess to both of them but that would only hurt them and I DON"T want to do that. I dont think about OM when i'm with my boyfriend and the other way around. its like two separate lives or LIES. So I know I should end it iwth BOTH of them and get help. BUt I don't know why I do this and how do I stop? This is sick I know and I used to be considered a "good girl". I am 25 and have only slept with four guys so its not like I do this sort of thing often but it just seems like I have a BIG problem with cheating. How do I stop?

[VaMpY2]

wow! urs seems pretty similar to what I am going thru...

at the meant time do you still enjoy being with both?

u'll have to make sure u schedule your timing carefully.

 

but if you prefer to lead a single partner life, best sort out which you prefer ASAP. then drift away from the other..move out or create a fight & with him. Thats the easiest way to end it.

 

For me, I know mine will end it sooner or later. He told me to call the shots. cos he want wats the best for me. He doesnt want anything bad happen between me & my SO.

[little_girl]

that's exactly what i wanted to do!~~start a fight or just for him to say move out~~don't know where i'd go but to get out of it would be okay!~~

[Guest]

Unfortunately I do enjoy being with both of them. They are very different and I get what I am lacking with each from the other. I never thought I could be such a low selfish person but I know I am.

 

I have tried to end it before first with my FWB guy that wants more but I always miss him and get so depressed that I end up going back to him. My boyfriend once decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore (unrelated to my cheating) adn wanted to take some time apart. I was so lonely without him and missed all the little things we did together. He eventually changed his mind a few weeks later and decided he still wanted me in his life. I hate myself for what I am doing but most of the time I dont' even think about how wrong it is.

I dont' do this to hurt either one of them. I love my boyfriend and have strong feelings for my FWB. I know that I am leading them both on- its like I am trying to make a choice. I don't want to hurt either of them but I need what each has to offer. For example my FWB is really affectionate and always cuddling and touching me and he's so easy to talk to. We can talk about anything. My boyfriend and I have great sex but he acts like I am a bother if I want to hold his hand or cuddle in the morning when we wake up. Also communication with my boyfriend is difficult at times. He is a workaholic and seems to put everything else (his work, his hobbies, his family) before me while FWB would drop anything to hang out with me.

 

I have divided my life into two separate parts. there is my time with OM and my time with my boyfriend. I don't think about the two at the same time. Its like I am carrying on two different separate relationships that we each have our fights and our good times. Neither of these guys is perfect. Both have hurt me deeply at one time or another (cheated) so maybe that is why I don't feel so much guilt for what I am doing. I don't want to be caught because I honestly don't want to hurt either one of them. My boyfreind has this attitude that he thinks I would NEVER cheat on him adn that if he did he would know it is a second.

 

Well the joke is on him cuz I've been doing it for 2 years and he has no idea. And I"m not proud of that. But I don't want him to know cuz I don't want to hurt him like he's hurt me before. Because no one deserves taht.

 

As for the OM he is pressuring me for more. At one point he actually thought of me as his girlfriend but I found that to be too risky so I cut it back to FWB and told him that I needed time to think about getting back together. It is weird because I would be furious with him if he slept with someone else but yet here I am doing that behind his back. I want to end it with both of them but I think that would just be too hard for me to do all at once.

 

The getting into a fight thing I have tried and I just end up going back. It might seem selfish that I dont' want to be found out but believe it or not I dont want to hurt either of the guys. I am just not getting everything I need from one person.

 

I had cheated in the past (hooked up with my current boyfreind while I was still with in another relationship) but once I hooked up I ended all contact my long term boyfriend. He wanted to get back with me but I just couldnt' do that to him after I slept with someone else. So I have no idea how I got to this point but I know that I want out because its not fair to either of my guys. And its time that i need to grow up. I just dont' know where to begin. I'm not even sure that telling them would do anything other than relieve my guilt and make sure that neither of them wanted to be with me anymore. Should I end it with one first adn then wait awhile and end it with the other? Should I try to work it out with either of them (after confessing?)

For those of you who say you are in this situation why do you think you are doing this? what do you get out of it? Do you want to stop? or are you enjoying it too much? Do you feel guilty about what you are doing? Are you doing this because you SO hurt you in some way or were you just bored?

[jmargel]

And its time that i need to grow up. I just dont' know where to begin.

 

Begin by first telling BOTH of them about the other. The second thing to do is to find some counseling for yourself. You are trying to find things from men that you are lacking within' yourself.

 

You can't possibly love either one of them. You'll never have a happy relationship being with both at the same time. You'll only be living on edge and wondering when it'll all end.

 

Usually when people post these types of situations I find them to be very nieve or very ignorant about things. However it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you are doing. However this cheating by your bf put you into revenge mode and you got more out of it then you were expecting.

 

Not only are you hurting these two guys you are also hurting yourself. Both relationships you are in are tainted. The communication you have with either of these guys is very misguided. It's obvious that you want help but don't know where to turn. This is where counseling comes into play. Also if you are close to a family member you should talk to them about this as well.

 

You are right though, you need to grow up. You need to take responsibility and whatever consequences lay before you in regards to this. That is what being an adult is about. You are 25 years old and very capable of resolving this. Do NOT try to start a fight with one of them and let that be your scape goat, or just leave without giving the truth. This is something those two guys deserve, is the truth.

 

There is no easy way out of this, it's something that you are just going to have to face. It's time to set a day this week to talk to them both and resolve this once and for all. Let us know when you are going to do this.

[little_girl]

And its time that i need to grow up. I just dont' know where to begin.

 

Begin by first telling BOTH of them about the other. The second thing to do is to find some counseling for yourself. You are trying to find things from men that you are lacking within' yourself.

 

You can't possibly love either one of them. You'll never have a happy relationship being with both at the same time. You'll only be living on edge and wondering when it'll all end.

 

Usually when people post these types of situations I find them to be very nieve or very ignorant about things. However it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you are doing. However this cheating by your bf put you into revenge mode and you got more out of it then you were expecting.

 

Not only are you hurting these two guys you are also hurting yourself. Both relationships you are in are tainted. The communication you have with either of these guys is very misguided. It's obvious that you want help but don't know where to turn. This is where counseling comes into play. Also if you are close to a family member you should talk to them about this as well.

 

You are right though, you need to grow up. You need to take responsibility and whatever consequences lay before you in regards to this. That is what being an adult is about. You are 25 years old and very capable of resolving this. Do NOT try to start a fight with one of them and let that be your scape goat, or just leave without giving the truth. This is something those two guys deserve, is the truth.

 

There is no easy way out of this, it's something that you are just going to have to face. It's time to set a day this week to talk to them both and resolve this once and for all. Let us know when you are going to do this.

your story is exactly like mine that i can't believe it! why am i doing this cuz i lost my fiance 178 daz ago, to a heart attack & i have been lost ever since! i'm trying to move on but i'm doing it all wrong & i know that but i also like it! so what's wrong with me? i don't want to hurt anyone either, but am i afraid of being hurt? or am i just a cold person who does'nt care?

[Guest]

your story is exactly like mine that i can't believe it! why am i doing this cuz i lost my fiance 178 daz ago, to a heart attack & i have been lost ever since! i'm trying to move on but i'm doing it all wrong & i know that but i also like it! so what's wrong with me? i don't want to hurt anyone either, but am i afraid of being hurt? or am i just a cold person who does'nt care?

 

 

I dont think you are a cold person- you just lost your fiance. You have experienced a horrible tradegy and you haven't even had time to heal yet. I don't know exactly how it feels but I lost my boyfriend in a car accident when I was 17 years old. That was years ago and to this day I still think of him and miss him. You will never truly get over your loss but one day you will be able to move on with your life in a healthy way. Right now you are hurt and confused and trying to distract yourself from your pain. That is my opinion why you are doing what you are (the double life) because it gives you some pleasure and while I'm sure you aren't forgetting your fiance, the excitement and comfort of having not one but two lovers/friends is distracting you from your reality. I am so sorry that you lost your fiance and I know it is hard but you will move on into a healthy relationship when you are ready. Give yourself some time to let go of him.

[little_girl]

I dont think you are a cold person- you just lost your fiance. You have experienced a horrible tradegy and you haven't even had time to heal yet. I don't know exactly how it feels but I lost my boyfriend in a car accident when I was 17 years old. That was years ago and to this day I still think of him and miss him. You will never truly get over your loss but one day you will be able to move on with your life in a healthy way. Right now you are hurt and confused and trying to distract yourself from your pain. That is my opinion why you are doing what you are (the double life) because it gives you some pleasure and while I'm sure you aren't forgetting your fiance, the excitement and comfort of having not one but two lovers/friends is distracting you from your reality. I am so sorry that you lost your fiance and I know it is hard but you will move on into a healthy relationship when you are ready. Give yourself some time to let go of him.

Thanks for the kind words> Somedays I feel so guilty about what I'm doing & the path my life has taken me! I only hope the hurt & pain go away someday or at least isn't so unbearable! Only if.............................

[MsPiggy]

Hello everyone. I TOTALLY know where you're coming from. Difference is OM knows about my bf and bf doesn't know about OM. I too live with my bf and I've been with my bf for 11yrs (now 24), and I've been with OM for about a year now. I feel very deceitful and trapped, OM doesn't want to let go and has fallen in love and wants a life with me but he can't give me what I"d need/want financially. He's 34 lives with his mom and doesn't really have any kind of steady income. I work hard and my bf is VERY responsible and loves me dearly but he too makes me feel like I'm bothering him when I want to get close and OM gives me soo much attention and affection. OM and I have alot in common, more than my bf and i do actually. OM actually has a girl and wants to be exclusive now and although I love him, I'm not leaving my bf and that enrages him.

 

I don't think you should/need to listen to the people that tell u, "you need to just tell them both and blahh blahh". We have MANNYY similarities with our situations. I too have slept with four guys and am not doing this for sex or something like that. I have both of them in my life because they both make me "complete" in their own ways.

 

I feel you'll eventually need to follow your heart and decide where you want to be. Eventually meaninng a month or year, or five years from now. You won't be able to keep this up for too much longer as I know I won't be able to either. I have gotten INCREDIBLY close to getting caught and it kills me to think of how much it would hurt my BF if he found out.

 

Oh another thing that is VERY similar to our situations. When my bf started working two jobs is basically when I started to stray and find that affection and attn our relationship was lacking, and even when he stopped his second job, my infidelities continued.....

 

To answer some of the questions you had at the end of your last post..

"For those of you who say you are in this situation why do you think you are doing this? what do you get out of it? Do you want to stop? or are you enjoying it too much? Do you feel guilty about what you are doing? Are you doing this because you SO hurt you in some way or were you just bored?"

 

I think I am doing this because I am unhappy and feel a little neglected by my bf although he makes me feel soo safe and comfortable knowing he loves me unconditionally and will always be there. he doesn't make me feel "really wanted" and OM does.

 

I get out of this what I'm not getting from my bf. I'm getting a "completed" kind of feeling, although all of the lying and guilt is a little overwhelming at times, and seeing the sad disappointed look on my BF's face when I come out KILLS me inside.

 

YES, I'd love to stop but feel I wouldn't be happy at all if I had just my BF, i did the just us thing for a while and I felt soo empty and lonely inside.

 

NO, I definitely do not enjoy this, its eating me up inside each time.

 

I feel guilty at times. I don't feel as guilty as I probably should because I actually care deeply for OM, it's not just meaningless flings with random guys that I'm having. (not an excuse just how I feel)

 

My BF to my knowledge hasn't cheated but I feel hurt in many other ways. HE doesen't share/communicate his feelings and/or the little things with me. I feel he shuts me out and excludes me from some of the things going on in his life. So i started doing the same.

 

Part of it is boredom too, i guess.

 

Hope this helps. :/ Would like to hear from you soon.

 

MsPiggy007

[little_girl]

:confused:I too would like to stop this crazy life I'm living, but how do I do that when I'm not sure I want to~~with what iv'e gone through I kind of like burning both ends of the candle~~but I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me ~~& I'm going to be the one hurt again~~so why do I continue this life~~I don't want to hurt or hurt anyone either~~my FWB is kind of being standoffish these daz & I'm not sure why~~I try & talk to him but he just kind of blows me off~~& the guy I live with is real quiet & does'nt talk to me & the other guy I see on occasion talks to me all the time & listens to me talk about my deceased fiance`~~just what am I doing with my life these daz??

[corwin]

I feel very deceitful and trapped, OM doesn't want to let go and has fallen in love and wants a life with me but he can't give me what I"d need/want financially. He's 34 lives with his mom and doesn't really have any kind of steady income.

 

 

Wow, other than the fact that your boyfriend is responsible and makes money, you have nothing nice to say about him. So.. that means you're using him for his money. Hmmmm.... there's a word that describes women like you. Throw in the fact that you habitually cheat on him and that word really applies. I feel sorry for your boyfriend. I hope you don't end up giving him an STD. You should do the "semi-right" thing and break up with him so he can find someone who loves him and is faithful. I say "semi-right" because the right thing would be to tell him the truth so he can get himself tested for STD's.

[Guest]

MsPiggy007, Your situation is sounds so much like mine. I know what you mean " HE doesen't share/communicate his feelings and/or the little things with me. I feel he shuts me out and excludes me from some of the things going on in his life. So i started doing the same. "

 

My boyfriend is the same way, he is not open with his feelings, he will say he loves me but then his actions just don't back that up. He is such a nice guy around his friends and around other women. He is mr. wonderful, funny, open, everyone thinks he is such a great listener and a compasionate person. He is the one women turn to to share their problems and get advice. (this is how he ended up cheating in the first place) But to me while he can be a nice guy, he just acts like I am a bother to him sometimes. He doesn't really listen to my problems, he will just say why dont' you talk to your freinds about this? Also he is NOT affectionate. It is like I fell in love with the person he was wehn we met- he was sweet and affectionate and a great listener. And now the "real" him has come out and he is none of those things.

 

It was the lack of attention/communication that caused me to stray. I met OM and he admired me and was sweet and affectionate and cared about what I had to say. He was always hugging me and touching me and holding my hand and complimenting me and to this day OM is still like that. He hasnt' changed like my boyfriend did.

But same as your OM mine is NOt responsible. hE lives with his parents and is almost 30 and doesn't pay bills (except his car payment and that is always late) even though he has a decent job. He never has any money and though money doesn't matter to me (I have a decent job) I am pretty responsible finanically and want the same in a partner. Plus it is embarrasign that he lives iwth his parents. My boyfreind is very involved with his family and thats great but I always feel that he puts me last. I used to tell him as far as where I stand as far as priorities I come right before taking otu the garbage. I know that if I am this unhappy I should have left him but we have good times too.

 

I think it is just about getting whatever we are lacking in one relationship in another person. They balance each other out and make us happy. The guilt and fear of getting caught is bad though. I have nightmares in which my boyfriend and OM are in the same place at the same time and one kisses me in front of the other and I have to explain it. Or I worry about OM calling our apartment and our boyfriend answering. (One time OM left me a message on our answering machine and said "I love you" at the end of it and my boyfriend was standign right there listening. I explained it away as a joke.

 

I know what I am doing is wrong but how do you stop? I dont' want to be totally alone but I dont think I can be totally alone with either guy (without the other still in my life) and even though I know that I can be faithful to someone (did it for four years with another boyfriend) I just can't see any other decent guy actually wanting me in his life after what I"ve done.

 

I too have tried to be with one exclusively and while it is easier to be with my boyfriend exclusively I still have questions about when he cheated on me (I found out that I was the OW when he'd told me that he was single and that his "girlfriend" was married!) and so those old hurts just fuel the fire as far as my cheating is concerned. I think that if my OM knew about my boyfreind he would be upset but like your OM MsPiggy007 he would tolerate it but try to get me to be with him exclusively which i can't do. I don't know how I will get over this/out of this. I dont' want to confess to both men because neither desverves to be hurt. ANd the life I've been living with them isn't really a lie. I do care for the OM nad I do love my boyfreind- I separate my feelings for each. So the things I tell each abotu how I feel is the truth. I just lie to them about eachother.

 

I feel almost like the affection I get from OM is like a drug and I"m addicted and while I can't live on waht I get from him alone, I suffer when he's not in my life.

 

MsPiggy007 do you think you woudl be happier if you left both of them or just broke up with your boyfriend? Or do you want to continue the way things are?

[Guest]

:confused:I too would like to stop this crazy life I'm living, but how do I do that when I'm not sure I want to~~with what iv'e gone through I kind of like burning both ends of the candle~~but I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me ~~&

 

 

I know how you feel that you are buring both ends of the candle and its going to catch up to you.

 

 

Do you have any close female friends that you can talk to about your fiance'? I think you are using these guys (as I am) to fill a void in your life and no one will take the place of your fiance and you miss him so you need to find someone to talk to and give you attention and affection and the other benefits of a relationship. It is scary/stressful at times living this crazy life and I know someday it will catch up to us but it is hard to stop. But don't be so hard on yourself.

[MsPiggy]

Corwin,

 

Just two things I will address from your post because what kind of women u may think I am is your opinion that you're entitled to. 1. NO STD's 2. I make almost double what my boyfriend makes, OM just doesn't have any job really aside from selling drugs, doesn't even have a cell phone.

[MsPiggy]

My boyfriend loves me and I'm sure of it but when we're alone he doesn't make an effort to show me. He is the same way as far as showing his friends/family he is mr.perfect, mr.affectionate. It's like pulling teeth to put a smile on his face. I always tell him i love his smile, teeth, dimples and he'll just say "i have nothing to smile about"!! As much as I know he cares about me and makes me feel stable and like I have someone on my side, he does a heck of a job making me feel soo neglected and lonely in the same breath. I talk to him about things from my past that bother me to this day and things that are bothering me and it's like talking to the wall.

 

Although my bf and I go through our problems we have good times too and have that comfort knowing "we're there". WOW, I've had bad dreams about getting caught too and even in the dream its an overwhelming feeling. I've gotten wayyy too close for comfort a few times almost getting caught. My BF has the OM's name in his head because of a few incidents, but I stand by my word and lie to make him feel a little more at "ease", and reassure him it's nothing.

 

I have tried to stop MANYY times and end up back with OM. I almost feel like i NEED him because the two of them complete me. He is giving me something my BF or any other guy I've met. I am verry sad when I am fighting with one but am ok when I"m with the other one even if i'm fighting with the other. I too separate the feelings/life going on with one with the other. it's truly a DOUBLE LIFE! :/

 

I think I would be happier if I could just move them both in and I wouldn't have to lie to either one, BUT i know that can't happen, so.... I continue for now. I almost feel I'm living off of memories with my BF, VERY precious memories though which keep me here. I do love my bf and he's a great guy but sometimes it's the little things in life, and thats whats missing. If OM was somewhat stable, I would consider being exclusive and FAITHFUL to him. He makes me happy, and I know what it would be like because eventhough it's only been a year the honeymoon is over. we've passed that goo goo gaa gaa don't fight stages. I would absolutely LOVE to stop this madness, but until I come up with a solution/better way, I'm going to see where this tornado takes me.

[corwin]

1. NO STD's.

 

Not yet??? Or not that you're aware of?

 

 

2. I make almost double what my boyfriend makes, OM just doesn't have any job really aside from selling drugs, doesn't even have a cell phone.

 

So then why do you stay with your boyfriend if you don't need him for his money? Is it because you get off on cheating on him. Is it the thrill? It's sure as hell isn't because you love him. There's no way in hell you could love someone and repeatedly cheat on him. Cut the poor guy loose. Even if you don't have the moral fortitude to do the right thing, at least let him be with someone who truly loves him.

[MsPiggy]

Just another thing I wanted to add and ask if you feel the same way...

 

When the OM holds me, I feel like he WANTS to hold me and he's doing it because he wants to do it. When my BF holds me I almost feel like it's a chore for him, i don't know... : /

 

how do you feel?

[MsPiggy]

Hello Moderator,

 

I am a little disappointed you didn't post my last one addressed to Corwin. His/her post which was basically an attack was allowed (getting off and making suggestions about my character), but my response I thought was decent yet not posted... Just a little disappointed. :/

[Guest]

:confused:I too would like to stop this crazy life I'm living, but how do I do that when I'm not sure I want to~~with what iv'e gone through I kind of like burning both ends of the candle~~but I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me ~~&

 

 

I know how you feel that you are buring both ends of the candle and its going to catch up to you.

 

 

Do you have any close female friends that you can talk to about your fiance'? I think you are using these guys (as I am) to fill a void in your life and no one will take the place of your fiance and you miss him so you need to find someone to talk to and give you attention and affection and the other benefits of a relationship. It is scary/stressful at times living this crazy life and I know someday it will catch up to us but it is hard to stop. But don't be so hard on yourself.

 

I only have my daughter to talk to cuz I don't have many female friends that i trust with anything in my life~~that's why i get myself in these predictments i do~~i do miss my fiance` lots & i know that i'm just acting on being alone & without~~i'm just not ready to commit to anyone now or maybe never~~i think that's why i am acting like this~~thanks for your words of support~~

[Guest]

Just another thing I wanted to add and ask if you feel the same way...

 

When the OM holds me, I feel like he WANTS to hold me and he's doing it because he wants to do it. When my BF holds me I almost feel like it's a chore for him, i don't know... : /

 

how do you feel?

 

Wow this is so weird because thats EXACTLY how I feel. I do love my boyfriend and wish he was more affectionate- like he used to be. But when he holds me yes, its exactly as if its a chore or I am forcing him or I am bothering him. He doesn't say this but I feel that way when we are close. There is just a lack of tenderness. but with OM I could lay in his arms for hours and you can tell he wants to cuddle, he's not annoyed by it like my boyfriend seems to be. I wish I could get all of what I need from just one guy- I too would be exclusively with my OM if he were more responsible. But that will never happen.

[Guest]

This was my original thread and I'm just looking for some comments or advice. I have been in counseling and am still in the same situation. The counselor tells me that I am doing all of this because I am not getting everything I need from one man. She says I jusify my actions by compartmentalizing my life with each guy.

 

She also says that since both guys- my boyfriend and my OM have lied to me and betrayed me in some manner (boyfriend was dating a MW when I met him and we got together and he was still seeing MW behind my back for several months and I didnt' find out about it till a year later or so) and OM lied to me and was still with his ex when he started hooking up with me and lied to me another time about a fling he had with someone else) that I don't feel as much remorse as I should by lying to both of them.

 

It is exhausting to live this way iwth all the lies I have to tell, with the sneaking around and hiding. I think in a way I almost want to get caught- I know that in the beginning my boyfriend's aunt saw me somewhere holding hands with OM. I have no idea if she ever said anything to him. I also have kissed OM in public many times (where my boyfriend's friends may have seen us) but he has never found out. I was never good at lying before, but I guess after being cheated on and lied to by several guys I"ve learned all of their tricks and use those to cover my actions. It also helps that my boyfriend works very long hours and pays little attention to me.

 

My counselor's advice is to end it with both but I"m not strong enough to do that. I cant imagine not having either in my life. I get security and safety from my boyfriend and he can be a good listener when he wants to be. He is also very non judgemental and doesn't hurt me with words (I was verbally abused by my dad) with OM I have affection and playfulness, and someone to talk to about anything. Plus he loves foreplay with sex where as my boyfriend is not into foreplay so much and is kind of selfish in bed. But OM can be very hurtful with words (when he gets mad he is verbally abusive- calls me stupid and other really hurtful things) and OM is a very selfish person, he really doesn't have compasion for others or for animals. He is mainly focused on himself. He also has a deamining attitude towards women.

 

So how did I end up dating two guys who have a lot of negative personality traits? My counselor says that because my dad (who to this day is still married to my mom) was verbally/mentally abusive that I never felt accepted my him. He was the only male figure in my life (I wasn't close to any uncles) and I didnt receive his unconditional love, It was always based on if I made him happy (by winning competitions) and if I disapointed him then basically he treated me like a piece of sh** and belittled me and I never felt "good enough".

 

Also security is a big issue for me because even though I lived in one place all my life, my parents were constanlty wanting to move halfway across the country (think my dad was trying to issolate my mom from her friends and family). And so my sister and I never knew if we were going to have to leave all our friends or not. I was very very painfully shy in school- didnt' talk to hardly anyone. Today, I have a good job, close friends (most of who are married) and I function ok socially but I'm still not good at making new friends.

 

My counselor is trying to work with me at not needing acceptance from men and also she wants me to try new activities and get involved in community things so that I have something to do and don't need to date anyone. I find this so difficult to do because I just have no interest in any activities. WHen the counselor asked me "whats your passion, what do you like to do" I just thought about it and started crying because aside from my life with my boyfriend, there isnt' really anything that I enjoy doing! I mean, i read, I watch tv, I exercise (but am too shy to join a gym), I like to do outdoor activities but everythign I do I enjoy doing it with people I"m comfortable with , I"m not good at being with groups I don't know. I need to stop this double life I am leading. I've tried and even if my boyfriend or OM hurts me (by cheating lying etc) it seems the more they hurt me, the harder I work to win them back.

 

I don't understand this at all, Its sick, I know and I don't know what to do. My counselor also says that I shouldn't tell either of my infidelity. She says I would destroy their life and hurt them and that is selfish of me. Any advice on how to stop this madness and either just be with one or end it with both?

[shortnsassy]

Im not sure where to start but I'm living a double life. No one knows, not my family or friends.My friends and family only no about my boyfriend. I am dating two guys at once and have been since August 2004. I live with my boyfrined and have a sort of friends with benefits on the side. Neither knows of hte other. was dating my boyfriend for 2 years and we had a lot of problems when the other guy came into the picture. I know these are excuses but my boyfriend wasn't affectionate or sweet to me anymore and we had no communication. I met the other guy I'll call OM and he was everything my boyfriend wasn't. He showered me with affection and attention. I didn't sleep with OM for about eight months. We just talked and cuddled and made out and spent a lot of time togehter. I got an apartment near his house (he lives with his parents) so we coudl spend time together more often. My boyfriend did not know about this.

OM wants to be with me (in a relationship) and talks about getting married one day. I know I could never do this because of how I lie to him. I tell him I live with a roommate (my boyfriend) and that he can't come over to my house because my roommate is picky adn doesn't like guys there. Plus T is not very responsible- he will not pay his truck payment because he doesn't have the extra $30 in the bank but will have $100 in his wallet and not think to take $30 of it to the bank so his paymetn is not late. Plus he lives with his parents (and is almost 30) and doesn't buy groceries or anything. He has no bills to pay other than insurance and his car payment and cigarrettes but never has any money (he will eat out seven days a week at $10 a meal)

So basically I get love and affection from T but he is not someone I could spend my life with.

my boyfriend on the other hand, cheated on me when we were first together (know that is my fault I didn't leave him) and i've resented him ever since. I didn't start this affair to hurt him or the OM. My boyfriend works two jobs so it is easy to see OM. I dont' mean to hurt either of them and have set up rules for this. like I won't have sex iwth both on the same day. I know that still doesn't make anything better.

The thing is I absolutely dispise men and women who are married adn cheat on their hubbys or wives so why am i doing this? I have tried to stop but I just miss one of them so badly that i go back. the OM suspects somethign (that I am seeing someone else) but I just lie to him. My boyfriend supsects nothing. He thinks I would never cheat on him (even though I left my ex for him and cheated WITH him) and he cheated on me at first too. I hate doing this and I do watn to stop. I've almost gotten cuaght a few times. I have nightmares about getting caught sometimes.

I wish I knew why I do this. I mean I know i like the attention from OM and he is someone to spend time cuz my boyfriend is hardly ever around. But my boyfriend is security adn ironically a chance at a future for me. He is very responsible and would make a great dad someday. He also makes me feel safe. We have an apartment together and I would hate to leave him. But I'm not sure I could give up OM. OM seems to care more about me at times than my boyfriend does but we have nothing in common. There are things I absolultey can't stand about him (like he will shoot animals- dogs, cats, that wander into his yard) while I love animals and have several pets.

A typical week is that I will see OM three or four days. Sunday is the day we spend most of the day togehter, just cuddling and watching a movie or going to the park and walking on a trail or going out and doing something. Because my boyfriend works all day on sundays. On the nights I see him I am distant from my boyfriend. But its like I have comparmentalized my feelings for both. they are two separate relationships nad one does not affect the other. That is how i keep the guilt away. Sometimes I do feel guilty and just get so sad and want to confess to both of them but that would only hurt them and I DON"T want to do that. I dont think about OM when i'm with my boyfriend and the other way around. its like two separate lives or LIES. So I know I should end it iwth BOTH of them and get help. BUt I don't know why I do this and how do I stop? This is sick I know and I used to be considered a "good girl". I am 25 and have only slept with four guys so its not like I do this sort of thing often but it just seems like I have a BIG problem with cheating. How do I stop?

i have live a doublelife for 12 years now going on 13 now, i nowhat it is like. i'm married also had in affair for 12 years. you will find your self crying deppressed , angry and feeling like you are going crazy. i got good advise for you. take it from someone who no's. get out of it. you cannot live a double life and be happy. no one can. sometimes i feel like i just wanted to die. please find one person to share your life with. if you dont they might find you somewhere beside of the road dead. i no what i'm talking about. never live a double life. good luck.