Bad news all around.

[interrupteddiane]

I know the right thing to do but I can't stop myself from wanting to do it. I have had a male "friend" for 12 years. In that time I was in love with him...he didn't feel the same way. I told him once and he said "not now" and the second time I begged him to tell me he wasn't interested in at all so I could move on. He did. We still talked via email everyday and saw each other maybe 4-8 times a year. We shared everything and I felt guilty about being so close to him all the time.

 

I had a fiance and he had a long-term gf. A month ago he came down for a visit and suggested we stay in a hotel room to avoid driving drunk. We go to a sporting event...then go to the hotel. All night he was flirting more than he EVER had. Normally we are very good and nothing has EVER happened sexually (or remotely so) the ENTIRE time I've known him. When we got back to the hotel room he asked me to massage his back. This was not unheard of between us and it was innocent, nothing ever happened. Finally I fell asleep when I woke up he was tickling my thigh and things got bad from there. We ended up having sex.

 

He left and blamed it entirely on me...said that my feelings for him were in the way and he is disgusted with himself and needed to be left alone. Dually noted. I told my fiance out of GUILT. This ruined our relationship. I am sickened by my actions and cannot believe this happened at all. It NEVER was a problem before. We had clear boundaries and they were never, ever breached except this time.

 

So I am dealing with this and then I find out...I had a blog online. It was NO WAY attached to me at all...no picture, no profile, no names mentioned, fake city, non-searchable, fake everything. The only thing that was accurate was what I felt. I did this because people had violated my journal that I kept on my laptop and I thought this was "safe." My internet savvy friend told me that I had to see if he had somehow found it and told me to go to a "site meter" that apparently logs who visits your site. I go...and am dumbfounded that my "friend" had been reading it FOR YEARS. We decided that maybe when he used my computer one time he saw it on the history menu or something (again, I don't really know). I was totally set up to have sex with him. I wrote on the blog just before he came down that I was going to leave the hotel early and feign an illness because I didn't feel being in the hotel room with him was appropriate. He had a plan for everything I said, before I actually said it to him. Then he blamed me.

 

Since then my friend found out his gf's email address. I KNOW I shouldn't tell her and I KNOW, logically, that what I want to do is wrong by telling her. I am just so angry and hurt by him I want him to be hurt too. I won't talk to him, I avoid him, I want him gone but I feel so violated. It isn't that I wasn't a willing participant...but I was set up by the person I trusted most. All the right buttons were pushed, everything was set up so that I would fall into this when it NEVER happened before. I don't know what to do. I just need someone to talk me out of doing this.

[keye]

Wow. I don't really know what to say to your post, except that I don't think that things will ever be the same with you and your male friend again. It is difficult to believe that your friend purposely manipulated you into having sex with him, yet it is hard to see any other explanation. The only thing I can advise is to sit him down and talk to him. Ask him what the hell was and is going through his head, and explain to him where you are coming from. There are obviously bigger issues at hand here - pre-meditated sex with you signals problems in his relationship with his long-term girlfriend and an attraction to you, both things that need to be addressed. It is extremely immature of him to be blaming you in a situation that obviously took two to tango, but you have to give him the benefit of a doubt and a chance to explain himself, as you have known him for 12 years, which is nothing to be taken lightly. But make sure you're calm and know what you want to say before you do address him, because this is a delicate situation that could end very badly.