amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Okay, well I met this guy at Easter and kept bumping into him. He went through divorce (no kids) in February and it's because his wife was unfaithful. In fact, she just gave birth in May to another man's child. He still refers to her as a "slut". I got divorced in December. I am more than okay about that, and rarely speak of my ex in conversations with him. From the start, this guy said I was different than most girls he knows. He says I have good vibes, like he can tell I have a good heart. He thinks I'm grounded, and his friends tell me he is 'mesmerized' by me. He claims to be really relaxed around me, and enjoys my company. Well, last night I slept with him. It was awful. I felt like he treated me like I could have been anyone he was sleeping with. We were both intoxicated, he extremely so, which I think is a habit of his. He said, like he was reminding himself, that I was not a slut. But I kind of felt like one the whole while. Like he was making me feel like that. I wanted to touch him, be affectionate with him, but he seemed like he was really thinking the whole time about moves and positions and not really about me at all. I got off a couple of times, I don't think he ever did, and then he passed out. I got dressed and left him snoring. He called me this afternoon and I sort of blew him off. He said he loved hanging out with me last night, he had a great time and so I asked him if he even remembered last night. I said "it wasn't that great, sweetheart". He told me to call him anytime and come by to see him whenever. I don't remember what I said exactly, but I'm pretty sure I left no doubt that me contacting him is never gonna happen. How come I feel bad about it? He's very vulnerable, and what if this is just his "way"? I feel like I left him knowing that "it's not me, it's YOU". And I feel like a crud. I like him and we have great conversations, and I kind of feel like I should speak to him and help him acheive the greatness he could be, but in a way don't feel like I want to bother. Which I don't think is fair knowing how his marriage went. I think he may appreciate my friendship. Should I just put this baby to rest or should I gently approach him? And if I should approach him, any ideas?
Outcast Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 You've made an awful lot of judgements out of one sexual experience with a drunk. First of all find out if indeed he drinks habitually. To me, that would be a deal-breaker. However if you don't mind someone who does that, try him out sober. Alcohol isn't known for bringing out one's finesse in terms of walking and talking, much less sex. and I kind of feel like I should speak to him and help him acheive the greatness he could be, It's not your mission in life to improve him. Nor is it your responsibility to worry about whether or not he's met his potential
Author amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 I know it's not my job to fix him, nor do I want to. But I would like to bring out the best in him. I don't see how my putting forth an effort will do me any harm. I feel like I was mean today, and it's bothering me.
Guest Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 He could of been using the alcohol to relax around you, and by you blowing him off you could of ruined your chances. Try asking him for a lunch date or something where alcohol isnt involved and see if there is any chemistry. If there is then maybe a evening meal, keep the alcohol to a minimum and see where it goes. Im sure that when he is sober the sex will be totally different, we lose our inhibitions and act more animalistic during sex when drunk. If you think he is worth it then give it a go, if you dont then move on and try to forget about him.
Walk Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I don't think I would bother. Not that people can't be bad in bed when their drunk, but I question his need to get so intoxicated in order to be intimate with you. And in my experience, if he sucks while intoxicated, he's not going to be much better when not. It might be passable, but nothing breath taking. That's just my experience though. Also, sometimes the weird feelings are there for reasons we can't conciously distinguish, but our brains are still getting the message from the other person. Are you sure he's over his ex? Or he's trying so hard to be over her that he's not dealing with getting over her? I say go with the gut feeling on this. If something was so off that it made you feel bad, or weirded out, then let it go. And if you already don't know if this is something you want to invest a lot of time into, then don't dive back in to the situation just because you feel guilty for blowing him off the next morning. Don't get back together out of guilt. That's the worst possible reason. Don't do it.
jerbear Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 It is not your job or even a task for you to fix him this early in the relationship. If you are not happy and feel that the alcohol intoxication is something he needs to fix himself. Sounds like alcohol tired him out and you were not satisfied. Sexual fulfillment is something that should be there. If the bedroom experience is not fullfilling there has to be other areas that can compensate for it and I'm not talking big cars. IMO, I would not bother going further, if you have to many issues about him, even if he is vulnerable. I do not think he is over his ex and maybe in the "hate women" phase.
blind_otter Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 i agree with Outcast. You did make a lot of snap judgements based on one intoxicated sexual experience. I've had bad sex with guys the first time, and 99% of the time it was because they were trying to impress me and weren't relaxing and just enjoying the experience. But also it would be important to find out if he needs alcohol. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Outcast Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Sexual fulfillment is something that should be there. Yeah, but not necessarily the first time. Or even the tenth. It takes time to get to know what a new partner likes or dislikes and to adapt. It's far too picky to expect that a brand new partner will 'satisfy' you perfectly the first time out!
Author amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 And in my experience, if he sucks while intoxicated, he's not going to be much better when not. Thanks for this. I agree and if we are even to remain friends, I don't think I'm gonna be too quick to get it on with this guy. I think I'd be afraid it'll be awful again. The main problem is I was really hoping he could be my f**k buddy. We only live three blocks away and it'd be pretty convenient. But I don't want a sucky f**k buddy!
Author amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 I do not think he is over his ex and maybe in the "hate women" phase. This could be a possiblity. Maybe that's why he is saying I'm different. Maybe he has to convince himself? Thanks for a manly twist on things, JB
Author amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 But also it would be important to find out if he needs alcohol. That would be a deal breaker for me. I think he has a problem. He drinks almost every night and this isn't since his break-up, it was way before. I wish I could stop diggin' on surfers. Even my divorce attorney was a surfer. Hmph!
Author amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 But also it would be important to find out if he needs alcohol. That would be a deal breaker for me. Crap, I think I need alcohol too. He came by tonight, called first, and then as we were talking he walked up to my house. We talked about the other night. Was that a mistake? He said he was like that with me because he was just trying to impress me. He said I scared him because of how I was talking, what I was saying. Apparently I told him I want to touch him, that I want to feel him inside me. He said nobody's ever spoken to him like this before while having sex. I don't know if I should believe that because WTF? Are there no affectionate women he could've been with? I doubt it. He also said that he wants to take me to the movies on Saturday. To go see the new Pirate movie with Johnny Depp at the IMAX. Does anybody know what that's rated because I'd like to take my kids? Can this really work? Lousy sex, a movie and then a relationship? He's a pretty cool guy. He was nice to my son, showed interest in him. Was mostly impressed, I think, that my son got onto the Girls Gone Wild website and I busted him more than once (he is 8) He says this is normal for a kid his age to be interested in this kind of thing. Okay, maybe, I'm not a guy and I would ask his dad but we don't talk about our son's development together. He says he feels like a d**k. He wants a second chance to make it up to me. Now I feel bad for saying how much he disappointed me in bed because he seems to be dwelling on it. He also said he feels bad because he knows I felt bad about the way I blew him off. WTF? Is this a rebound relationship? I have never talked so much to one guy about stuff that matters in my life. Okay, now, if we hook up again, isn't that gonna put a lot of pressure on him to perform? Sometimes I am such a sh*t!
jerbear Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 I wish Art_Critic could give his opinion on this one. The alcohol issue is something that gets my eyes and ears turned on and seeking for issues. Alcohol as in wine before dinner or gets home drops stuff then gets a scotch? If you like him, take it very slow and lay off the sex and go with the flow. The kicker is, if you do not want him because of sex or another deeper reason, give him a bottle of Chivas Regal Scotch and send him on his merry way. The movie is rated PG13. You decide, there were some scenes that you might object to like death and beheadings. Girls gone wild @ 8? Wow... I was attracted to girls then too. Didn't think of them as icky or yucky either. Surfers? narly dudette... I'm not a surfer but a land animal!
Outcast Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 I'd be wary about the alcohol issue, too. Very brilliant and interesting men can also be alcoholics and the alcoholism is no fun to deal with. When you say he drinks almost every night, how do you know? And how much?
blind_otter Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Alcoholics are, as a rule, codependent. A lot of them are relationship addicts. They use external things to take their focus of attention away from what they really need to work on. Maybe you should see if you can hang out with him without the alcohol. Draw clear boundaries right now. If he can't go without alcohol, IMO that's all you need to know.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 When you say he drinks almost every night, how do you know? And how much? Okay so I just found out he doesn't drink EVERY night. He said he hasn't drank since Saturday. I think when he does drink, though, I think it's to obliviation. I could be wrong, though. You guys seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on drinking here, and it's scaring me. Do you all sense something I don't?
blind_otter Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 No, but I have a lot of experience with alcoholics. I am a recoving one myself. I never drank every night, either, although I had periods when I did I mostly just had no self control after I had one or two drinks and would drink until I was stumbling. And that would be a nightmare to deal with, so you just don't want to even get into it.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 And that would be a nightmare to deal with, so you just don't want to even get into it. He's commented that he needs to lay off of the alcohol. Implying that he's got it under control. Does this sound familiar to you or did you KNOW you were out of control?
blind_otter Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 I knew I was out of control. I knew for many months before I took the step to stop. It wasn't until I had to deal with bad consequences that were drastic enough to force me to stop drinking. And I fell off the wagon in Europe and started drinking again and busted my face and nearly lost my front teeth just a month ago, so there ya go. It's an ongoing battle, when you're an alcoholic.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 I knew I was out of control. I'm sorry if this is rough on you B_O. Thinking about this aspect of yourself isn't pleasant for you, I'm sure. And if you'd rather leave this alone now, I totally respect that. But if it's cool with you, I have another question. Did you ever try and convince yourself that you had it under control, or that you could stop at will? Is denial common?
blind_otter Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Hoooooo boy is it EVER! I can remember points where I would give in and start drinking at like noon, and have drunked conversations with other drunks about how we knew "how" to drink. Of course at that time the irony escaped me. I have stopped for months at a time before, trying to prove that I didn't have a problem. I would always go back to drinking because, of course, I didn't have a problem, right? But the problems always returned. Because I actually did have an alcohol problem. IME if you have a problem with alcohol you can't just stop drinking. You have to admit that you actuallyhave a problem, or you'll always go back to it.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 Thank you for that. I will leave it alone now. I can't really say for certain what's real or unreal about him right yet. I barely know him. But I will definitely keep my eyes open. PS I'm proud of you.
Author amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 ty! I'll say a prayer for ya. TY 2 ...and me for you!
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