No Contact Backfired?

[Guest]

My Girlfriend of 3yrs, B, and I broke up 8 weeks ago. We'd had a nice relationship, living separately about 5 miles away. We had started to drift apart - not communicating and holding each other at arms length. I have a lot of feeling for her but I never allowed myself to fall in love with her because I felt, although she liked me a lot, she was not in love with me. Perhaps she was doing the same - a bit if a Mexican standoff. We never talked about our feelings - just buried our heads in the sand and hoped all would work out.

 

About 3 months ago she travelled to another city (Sydney) for a few days for work where a work colleague, P, took her out for dinner. I became very upset although I did not let her know. I am confident nothing happened - it was just dinner, but it hurt me a lot.

 

Then 9 weeks ago it was obvious to both of us our relationship was becoming shaky. For the first time we discussed our feelings. She cried and said "the spark has gone". We discussed that we need to work on ways of getting back the spark and needed to communicate our feelings. I felt good.

 

The following week she became distant and I knew something was up. "We need to have a serious talk - our relationship is in big trouble." I called in and we talked for hours. We had written out a list of what we want from a relationship - our lists were almost identical! We discussed how we were going to get things back on track etc. It was great until I observed her body language was kinda closed off, so I called her on it. "Here is why" as she handed me a "Dear, Let's Break Up" letter stressing "I wrote that yesterday before our talks". I was confused "Are you saying you want to break up or try to get things back on track?" Her: "I don't know!" After a bit of back and forth where she said the stress of her mother's illness, work and my financial situation were too much to handle, she repeated she did not know if she wanted to break up or try. Me: "Well that's my answer. That's all I need to know. If you do not know if you want to be with me, lets break off here and now. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with me." She burst into tears "I do not deserve you if I can't even make up my mind". As I left I said "I do not want to see or contact you. We need to get over each other - that takes time - at least 6 months"

 

I felt devastated and was missing her terribly but stayed strong to NC. After 6 weeks of zero contact a mutual friend, H, said she had just talked to B who had been crying and said she was missing me.

 

Perhaps I had slammed the door shut too hard? Time to open it a little. I decided to go to a dance where I knew she would be at, just to break the ice and gauge her reaction. We ignored each other for a while until I asked her for a dance. She cuddled into me and we hugged for a while slow dancing. When I tried to pull away so we could dance she pulled me in closer. After the dance we ignored each other until night's end when I said bye after a small chat. I felt good - mission partly accomplished - nice reaction from her, definite possibility of a 2nd chance.

 

The next day H informed me B was going to Sydney again for a few days. I felt sick!! Single girl in hotel in strange big city with guy who was interested. I just knew she would be spending time with him and my heart slumped.

 

I contacted her best friend, C, (also my friend) to talk things over. C said B had never mentioned missing me to her. She asked if I was hoping to get back together. I fessed-up and asked that, if possible, if B was seeing/intimate with P that she could let me know as that would cure me instantly and I could move on with my life.

 

After B got back, C emailed me: "B enjoyed P's company while she was there and that they are in contact all the time by phone... She says that he makes her laugh. At this stage nothing has happened... and I'm not sure if anything will or won't.... who knows... not even B knows. .... you need to move on my friend... You have had some beautiful times with B but as they say things happen for a reason...whatever that is I don't know..... but there is a new life out there for you ...."

 

I was devastated! I kinda went into shock. I think I just let all my emotions go and cried and cried - I knew it was all over for sure now. Time to move on. Later that day C came over to "give me a hug". We talked for a while when all of a sudden she comes out with " if you really love B and u really want to get back with her u need to act fast. U need to contact her and tell her exactly how you feel. Lay it all out on the line before it is too late." …. What the ... ??

 

Later that night I was with another very close female friend, M who almost repeated word for word C's thoughts. I expressed how my instincts were that one should not beg and plead to get back - it never works - it comes across as needy and is giving all the power to B. M disagreed: "a strong powerful person states their position and puts the ball in the others court- that is powerful."

 

The next day C asked me to come over for a chat as she just had lunch with B. She had (with my permission) told B that I had been missing her and was upset when she went to Sydney etc and asked if B was open to us having a talk. B said she would like that.

 

Here is my dilemma. Should I contact B and have a chat - open up my heart and tell her exactly how I feel and that I would like to get back together - not necessarily right now - when I have fixed my finances and her stress from her sick mother and work have abated. Meanwhile I want to see her - kinda start from scratch - get to know each other again - take it slow.

Or should I maintain NC.

Or should I just meet with her for a light friendly chat and maintain an upbeat, I'm doin’ fantastic mood.

 

And what about Mr P? How do I handle that?

 

What do you all think? Are C and M right? Your feedback is most welcome.

 

S

[sirjay]

it sounds to me a bit like my current situation - you may well both be fearful of rejection and therefore not wanting to put your cards on the table and this in turn is causing each other more doubt.

 

both approaches have merit, its a tricky one. i think perhaps your friend is right - be strong and assertive, be a man, state your position. its weak if you come from a point of "need" but i think that women really want a bold man who makes the move and maybe this is the time?

[bella_girl]

All the A, B and Cs are a bit confusing... but basically...

 

Do you want to get back together? Yes or No

 

If Yes... then yep, lay it on the line, tell her how you feel. Don't worry about seeming weak or begging. You just need to be honest and open and that never comes across as weak.

 

I agree about putting the ball in her court. I don't know the circumstances of your break up but if you want to get back together she needs to know this. She wont know by you hinting at the situation or trying to read your mind. If you're both sitting there trying to be happy and upbeat you're not going to get very far.

 

If the answer is no.. you're not sure about a future together, can't see yourselves being together. Then continue NC, let her go - this means accepting that she will see other people. As in time you probably will too. NC is a good way to heal but not a way to keep the moral high ground over someone.

 

Work out what you want and have a clear approach.

[Guest]

All the A, B and Cs are a bit confusing... but basically...

 

Do you want to get back together? Yes or No

 

If Yes... then yep, lay it on the line, tell her how you feel. Don't worry about seeming weak or begging. You just need to be honest and open and that never comes across as weak.

 

I agree about putting the ball in her court. I don't know the circumstances of your break up but if you want to get back together she needs to know this. She wont know by you hinting at the situation or trying to read your mind. If you're both sitting there trying to be happy and upbeat you're not going to get very far.

 

If the answer is no.. you're not sure about a future together, can't see yourselves being together. Then continue NC, let her go - this means accepting that she will see other people. As in time you probably will too. NC is a good way to heal but not a way to keep the moral high ground over someone.

 

Work out what you want and have a clear approach.

 

Sorry about the A,B& C's - to protect the innocent

 

Yes I definately want to get back together. I instigated the break up and NC because she was hesitating and was unsure if she wanted to work on getting our relationship back on track or to break up. My motive was to take back some power and get her to miss me and want to get back with me. It backfired because she diligently maintained NC - told her best friend © that I had asked for NC for 6 months and she was respecting my wishes.

 

Here is the thing, she knows I miss her and I want to get back. She knows that if she showed up at my door I would take her back in an instant. In this situation she has all the power. Often when people break up they "enjoy" knowing that the other person is missing them - it validates them and sometimes gives them a backstop. Even if they do not want to get back together they will keep the other person hanging on.

 

My thoughts are that if I meet with her and tell her what she already knows I will be perpetuating the situation. A better strategy may be to meet with her but do the totally unexpected - sweep her off her feet with actions - show her and remind her how much fun and excitment we used to have. Show her a new and exciting side of myself. Take her somewhere and do something that is fun and exciting. Do not even talk about the relationship issues - that is what she is expecting, possibly hoping to hear me lement how I have been missing her, have been miserable without her, can't live without her, can't get her outa my head, etc - that's the stuff she wants to hear - it makes her feel good but does nothing to enhanse my attractivness to her. Actions speak louder than words. She has to show me she is ready to get back together. She knows I want to. She will only really want to get back with me if she experiences some of what originally attracted us to each other.

 

I would love some suggestions of something we can do on our "first" date that will be fun and exciting. Has anyone done anything that really swept their ex right off their feet?