never been in love

[josie54]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum, but I really wanted to ask everyone's advice. I'm 37 and I've been in a 9-year relationship with my fiance (we've been engaged for a year). And I just don't feel like I'm "in love" with him.

 

I've been seriously considering breaking up with him BUT I'm also trying to make sure I'm doing the right thing. The thing is, I've never been "in love." I don't know that I'm capable of the feeling. I've never loved anyone or anything. I enjoy my family and friends, but I don't feel any great attachment to them. I feel just as sad when I hear of the death of a complete stranger as I do when I hear of the death of a family member.

 

My fiance truly loves me. He would do anything for me. He's really a great guy that takes responsibility, is sensitive to my needs and feelings, and with whom I do share some interests. There are some differences, but none that we don't work around well. We work out our disagreements reasonably and get along well. On paper, we're perfect together. My friends and family love him.

 

But I know I don't love him. I don't love anybody. I treat everyone with respect and I try to help people when possible, but I don't love anybody. I have many relationships where people feel much closer to me than I feel to them. I often prefer to be alone than to be in their company, but I'll go to their parties and lunch dates, etc., so that I don't make them feel bad. And I do enjoy the conversation while I'm there. And I realize someone who doesn't have friends isn't in the best situation, no matter what their preferences are.

 

Geez, I feel (and sound) like a misfit.

 

So my question: Do I break up with my fiance because I don't LOVE him the way people say one needs to love someone to marry them? Or, knowing that I might have some kind of personality quirk that makes me unable to fall in love with anybody, do I stay with him knowing that it makes him happy? (I do like people to be happy.) If I left him, it would devastate him. Although being with someone incapable of love may not be the best thing for him either.

 

I'm not exactly happy being in the relationship--I'm often depressed and feel as if I'd be happier on my own. But I was on my own for years before I met my fiance and I was depressed then, too, wishing I'd find someone--just like my fiance. Go figure.

 

I'm incredibly confused, and I just wanted to see if there were anybody else here that shared my "inability to love" problem, and if so, how they dealt with it.

[josie54]

I tried to edit my original post, but was unable to do so. Some further explanation: I'm posting to the "thinking of getting a divorce" forum rather than the "breaking up" forum because we've been together for so long, I feel as if we're married. We do share a home that we both own equally. Breaking up for us would be as emotionally devastating as a divorce, minus the paperwork.

 

My depression: I've been in therapy for months at a time and I've been on several kinds of antidepressant. The only result was an array of side effects to go with my depression and a standing weekly appointment with a therapist that I hated going to. So I've come to realize that I have to deal with my emotions as they are, not as I'd wish them to be.

 

My dilemma: I've read other posts on this forum about men and women who leave their partners after long relationships because they didn't "feel it." I just don't want to be one of those people who turn their backs on their partners in order to find some kind of external happiness. I don't want to be thought to be so selfish. I also don't want to leave my fiance in such a devastated state as I'm reading about here. But if it's truly best that I leave him so he can find someone who is less emotionally incapable as I seem to be and more certain of her love for him, then that's a choice I may have to make.

 

Sorry for the double posts. Still hoping that some LS members might be able to offer some outside perspective. If you were my partner, what would you want me to do?

[Curmudgeon]

If you at least care for him, are respectful towards him and the two of you have reasonable mutuality, common interests and common long-term goals then the relationship is likely as much as you'll ever have with anyone and it just might work as a marriage.

 

Before your second post I would have guessed depression as that's often accompanied by a flattened effect which makes a person unemotional. Beyond that, it might be wise to find a Pdoc you can discuss this with and decidedly a new therapist. meanwhile, I would hope you're honest with your fiance about your feelings, or lack thereeof.

[Outcast]

The inability to form attachments with people is something that needs professional help. Has your therapist ever addressed that as an issue? I some doubt that antidepressants are the cure for that at all. It may be time to find a different psych - one who is skilled in treating people with attachment problems.

[junkopardner]

I'm confused, and it sounds as if you may be confused as well. You say that you've "never been in love", and then go on to ask if you should ditch you boyfriend/fiancée because you're not in love with him either. But the implication of your post is that you know what being in love is; because you know that you're not currently nor ever have been. How can you know what it feels like to be in love if you've never been in love? My first couple of guesses would be that maybe you suffer from depression or you have severe intimacy issues, or both.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you've never been in love, then you wouldn't know what being in love feels like. To say "I'm not in love" suggests that you've been in love at some point and therefore you know the difference between being in love and not being in love.

 

Have you ever had counseling? Are you a depressed person? Do you have intimacy issues? Tell us your story. I certainly do not think that you're incapable of being in love, but there's obviously something going on.

 

~J

[Gunny376]

I'd probally tell you not to do me any favors by breaking up with me.

 

Most women get their ideas about what a relationsiip, marriage, love and being "in love" is initially from such fairy tales as Cinderrela and Snow White ~ and later re-inforce by cheap paperback fiction romance novels, soap operas, and movies from out of Hollyweird ~ which is all so much BS ~ because its a cheap reflection of the reality of what marriage and relationships are ~ a lot of damn work ~ oftentimes for naught.

 

The feeling of being "in love" is actually more or less a bio-chemical reaction in the brain housing group very much similar to that which you would find in someone who has obessessive-complusive disorder (National Georgraphic Magazine just did an article on this) except it eventually wears off about the lenght of time it takes to conveive a child and to get that same child marginally capable of taking care of itself ~ about three to four years ~ at best, if not sooner.

 

When it wears off ~ you'd best well have something there to replace it ~ like the kind of relationship that you described in your post.

 

Rather than be a freak of nature ~ you're very much normal ~ its just sounds as though you skipped all the crap that gets pumped into so many women's heads about what "true love" really is, and about what a relationship really is.

[iron_m]

Married life is not always a fun, exiting roadtrip. After the first couple of years it is more a commute: rutinary and full of obligations and timelines. Still, you can live that life and be happy, enjoy yourself and your partner. What you can't expect is it to be the same as the first years of the relationship. It sounds as if you are expecting more than what you could really have...

 

Have you talked to him about this? pre-marital counseling maybe? Maybe you can not solve this on your own.

 

I'm not sure, but if he believes that you love him and you have loved him during these 9 years and then you come all of a sudden and tell him "I do not love you, I never did, so we better break up" and then you add "this is for your own good"... things may get uggly.

 

 

I congratulate you, thoug that you are thinking of this now, and not 5 years into your marriage. Even though you may feel as you are married, you are not. Once you marry, a divorce is a divorce, not a separation... So it seems that you have to address this issues asap.

 

all the best

[Lor]

Most women get their ideas about what a relationsiip, marriage, love and being "in love" is initially from such fairy tales as Cinderrela and Snow White ~ and later re-inforce by cheap paperback fiction romance novels, soap operas, and movies from out of Hollyweird ~ which is all so much BS ~ because its a cheap reflection of the reality of what marriage and relationships are ~ a lot of damn work ~ oftentimes for naught.

 

yep, but fantasy is so much more fun than reality!

 

except now I read those trashy cheap paperback fiction romance novels and think "Yeah, let's see how they feel in 5 years........."

[josie54]

I'm confused, and it sounds as if you may be confused as well. You say that you've "never been in love", and then go on to ask if you should ditch you boyfriend/fiancée because you're not in love with him either. But the implication of your post is that you know what being in love is; because you know that you're not currently nor ever have been. How can you know what it feels like to be in love if you've never been in love? My first couple of guesses would be that maybe you suffer from depression or you have severe intimacy issues, or both.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you've never been in love, then you wouldn't know what being in love feels like. To say "I'm not in love" suggests that you've been in love at some point and therefore you know the difference between being in love and not being in love.

 

Have you ever had counseling? Are you a depressed person? Do you have intimacy issues? Tell us your story. I certainly do not think that you're incapable of being in love, but there's obviously something going on.

 

~J

 

Thanks so much for all the feedback. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm comparing what I'm feeling and have felt for my fiance to what I SEE others describe when they say they're "in love." They say, "I know he's the one," "I feel so happy when I'm around him," or "I never knew it could feel this way."

 

I've got none of that. I have no personal frame of reference, only what I hear and see others say. When I compare my relationship to those of my friends, it seems fairly comparable. However, when I hear what people are saying on this forum--even those who have broken up with their partners--they are describing these feelings that I have never known.

 

-I have never broken up with anybody or been broken up with.

-I have never felt anything more than a teenage crush for another person.

-I have never had a serious relationship before the one I'm in--although the one I'm in has everything one would be looking for except that "I know he's the one / I love being around him / I can't wait to be married to him" feeling that so many talk about. I often feel bored, disconnected, and unhappy--much like the women I've been reading about here who have left their husbands (I don't want to be one of those women!). But again, it's difficult to separate those feelings from how I'd feel when I wasn't around him.

 

I dated people only briefly in college--mostly because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I usually knew within a date or two that I really didn't like being around them much. My fiance is the first one I actually enjoyed talking to or being around at all.

 

But after the first year or so of our relationship, I started having these nagging doubts that have just gotten worse and worse. So my worry is that he's truly not right for me and I'm just setting him up for a sad marriage if I go through with this. I do not want that to happen to him. I want him to have someone who is in this 100 percent.

 

I've tried to talk to him about it, and he says that he certainly doesn't want to lose me but that he wants me to be happy. But that was a while ago and now we tend to just avoid the subject. I know that's not good, but I really don't know what to say. And I'm sure he doesn't want to bring it up because of where it might lead.

 

I'm looking down the barrel of what seem to be two irrevocable decisions--get married and accept that decision for my life (I really don't want to ever be divorced) or break up and try to live with the fact that I've just taken away his dreams for our future (of which he has many).

 

I envy my friends their certainty. They all got married seeming to know what they wanted, to guys much like mine, and they moved on with that. If they were agonizing about it, I certainly didn't see it. And they're all still married (anywhere from 5 years to 15 years now).

 

Again, thanks to all of you for listening to my mixed-up story!

[Outcast]

If you have no feelings of attachment for anybody else, then I don't think that your worries about not feeling 'in love' need to be the issue. You may never have those feelings for anyone if you don't get the underlying problem dealt with.

[josie54]

Outcast, thank you for your comments. I know I've got a problem, but I've tried to deal with it unsuccessfully. Three different therapists (saw each anywhere from two months to seven months), a doctor and psychiatrist who kept putting me on different drugs until I was so loopy I couldn't function. I've tried online therapy and cognitive behavior therapy. I could keep trying, but it gets expensive (even if I'm only paying a co-pay) to keep shelling out for appointments and drugs that are doing me absolutely no good at best, and are actually hurting me at worst.

 

After years of trying to deal with it medically, of reading books and doing yoga and all that, I finally decided that I can't live that way (well, I still do the yoga). So, I've decided that I've just got to accept my emotional state as it is. I'm a depressed person who can't be "fixed." I've tried many times and failed. I'm functional, though, so I guess there's that to be grateful for.

 

This is really more about my guy than me. I'm probably not going to be happy with him or without him. But "happy" for me is a very shifty term. So many people say, "If you're not sure, don't get married!" But I doubt I'd EVER be sure. And he's happy with me. And sometimes I actually feel as if he's good for me, too, even if I'm emotionally ambivalent.

 

I don't know if it's worse to go through with it or end it. I'm trying to decide which decision does the least amount of damage and results in the best outcome. But there's no way to know the outcome until I decide what to do! A horrible Catch-22.

[paperdoll]

I never fell in love until I was 45 years old. I thought I fell in love, but later I could see it wasn't. I never thought I would experience true love in my lifetime. Shocked when I did. Your never too old to find true love.

[josie54]

paperdoll, how did you know it was really "love"? Was it something he did or just something you felt? Did it feel as if you had no control over it, like it was just chemicals responding? Is love more a matter of chemicals in our brain that it is in the people we choose?

 

That's what I'm trying to figure out. My fiance has done nothing to make me NOT love him--he's kind, caring, responsible, intelligent, etc.--everything I thought I wanted going into this relationship. There are two things I've noticed where we differ: I prefer to live in the city and he, the suburbs, (we're in the suburbs because it's closer to where we both work--he's very practical that way!), and I wish he were a bit deeper in how he thinks (about art, philosophy, etc.), but that doesn't seem to be a reason to say I don't love him. But I don't. I respect him, I want to see good things for him, I care about him, I enjoy it when he's happy about something, but I don't feel "LOVE" for him. If he broke up with me tomorrow, I'd probably feel only a twinge of sadness, over the loss of something familiar, and then move on without a second thought.

 

But I also can't bear the thought of leaving him alone. It kills me to think of abandoning him. I don't know whose happiness is more important, his or mine. And, I don't even know that I'd be all that happy if I did leave.

 

Chemicals in my brain are what make me depressed. I'm supposed to wait for those same chemicals to tell me I'm in love with someone? That just doesn't seem fair.

[paperdoll]

I felt like I knew him forever.... as in other lives, I loved his smell, his taste, his voice, everything. I wanted to make love all the time, whoops, that is lust.

 

I don't know if it is a chemical thing. I just know that before I would ask myself "is this love?" but when I was in love I knew I was in love, no doubt about it. I never felt that way ever before.

 

hugs,

Jeani

[josie54]

This may be a nosey question, paperdoll, but how long has that feeling lasted? How long have you been with him?

 

Everyone says that the "in love" feeling is only temporary, so I wasn't sure what your timeline was!

 

If I were being completely logical, rational, and reasonable, I would simply end this relationship and move on. Part of me feels that any relationship that causes this much angst can't be a good one for either individual. It seems cruel to end things when I've stayed in it this long, to the point of engagement, when I've known something was off. But just because I've screwed things up, doesn't mean I should continue screwing things up, I guess.

 

But the nonrational part of me keeps thinking that it just seems unfair that I'd be "throwing back" a great guy, and breaking his heart (which would hopefully mend), just because my heart's not in it. It seems like there's something wrong with my heart, not the guy.

[Billy Bob]

If he broke up with me tomorrow, I'd probably feel only a twinge of sadness, over the loss of something familiar, and then move on without a second thought.

 

Please please please, don't marry this guy! Especially don't marry this guy and have children. You sound about as attached to this guy as my kid was to his pet lizard (which died from neglect).

 

Walk away and let this guy heal and get on with his life. No point in getting married to someone you just kind of like and are familiar with, just to be a walk-away spouse in the future and have to deal with maritial assets and kids.

 

Let this guy go find someone who cares about him, obviously you have some sort of attachment mental problem. Plus who the hell dates for 8 figgin years then gets engaged for another?

[josie54]

who the hell dates for 8 figgin years then gets engaged for another?

 

I do, because I didn't know what else to do. It's not as if he has been doing anything but care for me, and I just couldn't bear the thought of telling him that I was breaking up with him for no reason at all. It's not as clear-cut for some of us as it is for others. I don't go around crushing people on a daily basis and I simply don't know how to go about it and then live with myself afterward. I don't know how to resolve the fact that we just moved into a house and share a mortgage (yes, sharing a marriage would be worse, I know, if it wasn't what I wanted). I don't know how to live my life knowing that he's out there in the world and that I screwed everything up for him (even if temporarily).

 

That may be a selfish way to view things, but it is what it is. And I don't have the strength/courage/ability/whatever to fix this huge mess I've made of both of our lives. I envision breaking up with him and then being so guilt-ridden that I simply can't live with it anymore. I'm so guilt-ridden NOW, I can barely live with myself. I can't imagine what it would be like after dismantling his entire life. I'm truly in the worst place of my life and I don't see a way out.

 

Thanks for your message, cta. You're right on many points (as difficult as it is to hear), lthough I do have to disagree with one point. If I had so little feeling for him as you say, I wouldn't be here right now. I could leave without any anxiety or guilt whatsoever, and would not need this forum's support. He's a wonderful man with a good heart and I care for him very much.

[Billy Bob]

If I had so little feeling for him as you say, I wouldn't be here right now. I could leave without any anxiety or guilt whatsoever, and would not need this forum's support.

 

Not as I say, as you say:

 

If he broke up with me tomorrow, I'd probably feel only a twinge of sadness, over the loss of something familiar, and then move on without a second thought.

[josie54]

You're saying that just because I wouldn't mind being single, that I care for him no more than your son cared for his pet lizard? That if I saw him dead on the street, I'd just step over the body and keep walking?

 

You're misinterpreting what I'm saying completely. If I had so little regard for him as that, like I said, I wouldn't be here right now. My situation would already be resolved because I wouldn't care one way or another. When I said that I would be able to move on if he broke up with me, I only meant that, all things considered, I might be happier alone. If HE broke up with ME, I'd know that he'd be okay. I'd know that I wouldn't have to worry about him. I'd be able to move on because I'd know he wasn't hurting.

 

That doesn't mean that I don't feel pain at the thought of his pain, or that I don't wish every minute that the situation was different than it is. I care for him as a person and a human being and I don't want to see him hurt.

 

If I break up with him, that's a whole different story. I wouldn't be able to move on from it. I'd be thinking about him every minute and worrying that he was unhappy. He once told me that he knew he loved me because "he cared more about my happiness than his own." Sometimes I wonder if that's my problem. Sometimes I do think I care more about his happiness than my own. I'm just not sure that's love.

 

That's why I'm here asking for others' perspectives. That's why I'm trying to find out if there's any hope at all for the situation. If what I'm expecting is some chemically induced fantasy, then there might be hope for the relationship after all.

[paperdoll]

I am still in love with him, I don't know if I ever will "not be"

 

I don't think everyone experiences this in their lifetime and I don't know if we should settle for anything less then true love.

 

I was in my late 40's when I fell in true love. I had been married twice before that, and even though I loved the other ones I knew I was never "in love" with them. I truely felt I would never experience real love, my mother never did before she died. I was shocked when I did. And if I never love again (we are separated) I will die knowing I did once.

 

It seems a bad trick because we are not together, you wait a lifetime for this love and it fails. But what can I say? All I can tell you is what happen to me.

[Billy Bob]

I truely felt I would never experience real love, my mother never did before she died. I was shocked when I did. And if I never love again (we are separated) I will die knowing I did once.

 

Sounds like a harlequin (sp?) romance novel or a bad hollywood movie.

 

Please, Josie you said that if he broke up with you, that you would hardly bat an eye. Ok you feel a bit guilty dumping him (so you don't like to see your fellow man suffer), big deal. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this guy and would rather pursue sir lancelot somewhere dump him and let him find someone who truly loves him. You already said you have some sort of mental problem that gives you the inability to love. He says he just wants you to be happy.. Well do yourself both a favor and don't stick around just because you don't want to hurt him, your not doing him any favors doing that. Life goes on, we heal.. just takes time.

[junkopardner]

is that if you stay, in the big picture, you're going to inflict far more pain and damage. You've already taken 8 years of his life; time that he's lost, will never recover, and you can't give back. The way you talk about your feelings for him, or lack thereof when it comes to love, is just a recipe for more pain, heartache and wasted time (and more guilt for you).

 

The reason you're feeling guilt is because you know he's in it past his eyeballs and you're in to your ankles. You know he deserves better than that, and you probably also know that eventually you will leave him. And my guess is even if you stay your depressive, emotionally bankrupt state will only get worse because a big part of you just doesn't feel that he's "the one."

 

Quit being selfish and hanging around out of guilt that your man will be crushed when you leave. You've already wasted 8 years of his life, so how guilty are you going to feel when you hang around another 8 only to leave him then?

 

The only question you need to be asking yourself right now is how much more of this great guys life do you want to waste?

 

Will he be crushed if you leave? Sure he will; he'll be devastated. Will you be consumed with guilt? Absolutely. But if you care for this guy at all (which you say you do), you will sit him down, explain things to him, leave for good, stay out of contact with him and let him begin to heal. He will get over you trust me. It will take awhile, but he'll get there.

 

And believe me when I say that he will get over you before you start feeling about him and loving him the way that he does you.

 

He'll also get over you in less time than what precious time of his you've already wasted because you're acting selfishly, motivated by your own fear of crippling guilt.

 

It sounds to me as if you've wrecked this guys life enough and wasted enough of his time. Cut him loose, let him get over you and move on. That's the greatest thing you could ever do for him.

 

As for you, unless you really get some more help and relentlessly work on your depression, you will remain emotionally catatonic and be no good for anyone in a relationship. I think it's time to do what you know needs to be done and cut him loose and get down to some serious, serious work on yourself.

 

~Jonathan

[josie54]

I know that I'm taking up his time. But I've told him several times that I was indecisive about this, and if he was uncomfortable with that, he may not want to wait for me. On the one hand, I do feel incredible guilty for the 8 years. On the other, I'm not the only one here. He could have left at any time. If we do lose that time, I do believe we have gained something through the experience, even if we end up apart.

 

In my thoughts today, I'm actually starting to lean toward staying with him. I hear so many horror stories, of people "in love" who abuse each other, cheat on each other, treat each other like crap, and still they "love" that person. You know, that's not what I'd want. I see so many bad relationships, they so far outweigh the good ones. That kind of love may be similar to winning the lottery. Paperdoll won that lottery, but I probably will not.

 

I'm beginning to think that those "in love" relationships are actually quite rare. I'm also beginning to think that my pursuing such a state of mind is probably not realistic. I'm just not the type to do so.

 

I had a very long talk with him last night where I told him everything I was feeling, as best I could. I told him how split apart I felt between going and staying, between not wanting to let go and wanting to let go. I told him I didn't want to hurt him and didn't know what to do, that I'd never felt so stuck and so without options before, that I simply have no where to turn to. I told him that I feared we didn't communicate as well as I thought we should and that I felt shut out of his emotions and that I often felt as if I was shutting him out of mine. I cried, he cried. And we both went to bed very upset, not knowing what to say or think.

 

We're both upset today, but we're trying to figure out what to do. The more I think about leaving him, the more upset I get. During the silence today, I kept wanting him to come in and sit next to me, but he was too upset to do so--and of course I understood that. We just kept apart most of the day.

 

If I'm that upset about leaving him, that might be a clue to my emotions. I don't know. I have to wait it a few days and let it all sink in. I just told him I didn't want to lie to him. I wanted him to know what I was thinking. I don't know if I said it in the best way, but I really tried. He needs to make this decision, too, with all the information.

 

Another friend of mind said she married her husband because, "She couldn't stand the thought of leaving and never seeing him again." There's something of that in my emotions as well. I'm not sure I could just walk away and never see him again, as junk tells me I absolutely must do.

 

"LOVE" with a capital "L" may not exist for me. "love" with a lower-case "l" -- the mutual day-to-day support we give each other -- that exists for me where I am. I just need to decide whether I accept that. If I do, then my decision is made. If I don't, then you're right. I'll need to move on.

 

But I need to clear all the myths, misconceptions, and unrealistic expectations about love from my head first. That's the hard part. Any advice from anyone else who has gone through that, and has made discoveries in any direction, would be very much appreciated....

[freeSpirit00]

I know what you're feeling...I'm 22 and i've never fell in love before and i think i won't and i've never had a crush on someone . I don't actually believe in love, i think it's an illusion you make by yourself...Love is only in dreams or in Hollywood movies as you said and lots of people try to live in that illusion and there's no problem with that as long as they are happy. Also, we are all not the same, why should people all be in love?? You don't have to be and feel like other people, people should differ, some people are emotional others not, some are realistic and others are imaginative and both are right. What matters is that you should feel comfortable with who you are and live your life just the way you want and not what others want you to be.

I think too you are too realistic, practical and independent, you don't depend on others to make you feel happy and you don't expect anything from anybody. My opinion you shouldn't break up with him as long as you match together and like eachother and maybe you'll love him or like him more by time.

[josie54]

FreeSpirit, that's exactly what I think a lot of the time! Why does the fantasy take up so much of everyone's mental energy? It leads to as much unhappiness as happiness. That "in love" infatuation causes so much heartache, and it also seems so energy-sapping. It's like a drug....drugs cause euphoria, too, but there are many reasons why heroin and cocaine aren't on people's "gotta have it" lists.

 

And yet, the support of another caring person IS important. That's where I've been so confused--it just doesn't seem rational to throw that away in pursuit of a fantasy, whether that fantasy be realizable or not.

 

He and I are talking again (it was rough after our discussion), and we're beginning to discuss the future--together--again. I asked him if he's comfortable doing that, after what I've said, and he says that he knows I'm confused, but that he doesn't know what else to do but to just keep on going until...??? Until what, is what we're not so sure of. He's made his decision, and I've made mine, at least for now. It may be a decision based on not deciding, but that's a decision in itself.

 

I envision a future with him, I envision a future without him, I envision a future with someone else. And it always comes back to the fact that I've developed some kind of weird bond here. It's not perfect and it's not what I would have hoped for, where "love" is concerned. I'm not "in love," but I'm not disconnected either. It's a bond, one that neither one of us can seem to shake off.

 

I know this seems contradictory after my "I could move on without a second thought" comment earlier on, but now I don't think that's 100 percent true. I WOULD think of him and miss him, I think. I wouldn't be devastated by it, but I wouldn't be untouched by it. I'd have a sense of loss, and I'm not sure how I'd be affected by it. Just in the few hours when we weren't speaking after our conversation, I missed him. He was just tinkering down in the basement, but I missed him as I sat and watched the baseball game alone (something we'd usually do together). Feeling that was actually helpful. What would it be like if he was REALLY gone? Hmmm....

 

It's not the dream so many seem to dream of. I keep thinking that perhaps it would have been better if we had met that other "perfect" person before we met each other. It would have been great if I'd met that love of my life first, and if he had met someone who fell in love with him as much head over heels as he did with her. But we didn't. We met each other first, and now we can't seem to let it go, no matter how much doubt I feel, or how long he has to wait for me. If I knew that leaving was the best decision for both of us, I'd do it. But I don't, and that's the problem.

 

That's where it stands. The "Head over Heels" kind of Love that so many talk about would be great, for sure, but it doesn't happen that way for everyone. Relationships don't work the same way for everyone. It's all trial-and-error until we come to some kind of peace with it, I guess.

 

That's what I'm thinking about now. It's all kind of an interesting process, in a way. I just hope it leads somewhere that's the best thing for both of us??? This is tough.

 

Anyway, I'm so glad that this forum was here....on the one hand, reading about so many people whose ideas of love are of the Hollywood, soulmate variety has fed my insecurities about my own relationship. Not SO good! I've continued to think that perhaps I was doing my fiance and myself a disservice by staying.

 

But on the other hand, it has been wonderful to hear so many people's different perspectives AND be able to come and share my thoughts and work through things. It has helped immensely. Thank you everyone!

 

I would still love to hear others' perspectives on this, if this thread is still of interest to anyone besides me! It's helping to hear that so many people have a different story and approach to love and their own relationships.