grateful Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 In my county, the police won't do a damn thing unless you have the RO. In order to get an RO you have to have three documented incidents with the police. So if you don't have that on record, or some evidence, then you're stuck and it is better to keep quiet. But it's ALWAYS important to have legally verifiable documented evidence against your abuser. This was advice given to me by the assistant state attorney who prosecuted my ex. If you have no evidence, there's nothing the authorities can really do. I've gotten a PPO against someone with a lot less evidence... perhaps this is the way to go. It's a Personal Protection Order. I had a stalker who I didn't know. I got his license plate down, contacted the cops to get his name and address and went to the court and ordered a PPO. They gave it to me just on my word that he'd been parking in front of my house and looking in my windows, etc. No bits of evidence at all. They tried to serve him but couldn't find him (I'm in a city, people move, avoid sheriffs etc, all the time). But if it had worked, he wouldn't have known until it was served. And it would have lasted a year. After being served, he could have been arrested for coming over to my house. Perhaps this is the same thing B_O is talking about but just easier to get in my county. The OP should contact her own county to find out what the procedures are... it might not be that difficult and might offer immediate protection.
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I just had to go to the same place I went to pay speeding tickets and fill out a form. Easy peasy.
amaysngrace Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 if he actually does cross it then he goes to jail! It's as simple as that. Except if he kills you. Then it's really not so simple anymore. My point was more that if you make him mad by involving the law, he may retaliate against you with more force than before. Like that woman on Oprah I was talking about before. He went before the judge, had the restraining order lifted w/o her even being present, and then he went into her work and set her on fire.
grateful Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I got his license plate down, contacted the cops to get his name and address and went to the court and ordered a PPO. Correction: the cops gave me his address because I called them when he was sitting out in front of my house. He had left by the time they got there but I gave them the license plate number and they wrote his name and address down right there for me. I guess this might have been one event on record with the police, but I don't remember bringing a police report to the court. The courts really just took me at my word.
Outcast Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 She's already said she was going; I believe she's sufficiently convinced. I'd neither appease nor aggravate. I'd simply be exceedingly busy until the condo's sold. "I have a ton of things to do before I move" is a great excuse.
amerikajin Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 To the original poster, Consult a battered women/domestic abuse hotline immediately. I would frankly be careful about following specific advice on this forum, however well intentioned it may be. You're wondering whether or not you should tolerate your situation as is, and the answer to that is a resounding 'hell no'. Get help immediately. On that note... Grace, No offense but you've insinuitated that you might be able to give someone advice here in private about a very serious situation and I'd like to know exactly what qualifications you have to be doing this. And I have to say I'm especially disturbed by some of your comments which suggest steering someone away from law enforcement. That just doesn't sound right at all. Except if he kills you. Then it's really not so simple anymore. He could kill you whether you go to law enforcement or not. He'll be angry if you seek a restraining order, but the point is that he's already violent enough to assault you now. Abusers are highly unpredictable, and their fits of rage and abuse can strike at any time, without warning, and the severity of each outburst is equally unpredictable. Maybe it's only a slap in the face, maybe he throws you through a glass door and you cut an artery. Point is, you don't let the situation fester. My point was more that if you make him mad by involving the law, he may retaliate against you with more force than before. You can't think like that. There are so many little things that could set him off into a violent rage, regardless of whether you have a restraining order or not. Maybe he sees you talking to a male co-worker out in a parking lot one day and flips out. Maybe he flips out because you changed your phone number to a non-published number. Or that you won't answer the door. Anything could be 'cause' enough in his mind to go off. But to not take him to the proper authorities is to legitimize it, and I'm sorry, you just can't think like that. Will it make him angry and escalate things, probably yes. But in some states, violating a restraining order and attacking an estranged partner is an automatic felony - that would take care of things for a while, I'd say. Like that woman on Oprah I was talking about before. He went before the judge, had the restraining order lifted w/o her even being present, and then he went into her work and set her on fire. These animals do that even if they don't have a restraining order. Again, something as simple as standing up for herself and saying 'I don't want to see you anymore' would have caused this guy to do the same thing in all likelihood. He's an animal that needs to be taken out of society.
Author BlueFig Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 In exactly 19 days my condo is closing and I will have just enough money from the sale to move far away. My now exBF has caught wind that Im really going to be leaving and is trying to be all warm and fuzzy and friendly suddenly. Not buying it. He is a Vampire. All surface allure hiding his ravenous devouring core. One minute he's threatening me, the next minute he's all hurt and wounded. In a period of less than 24 hours he went from saying he hates my pets and they ruined our relationship to saying if I ever put a restraining order against me that he'd toss me in the Hudson river to then him calling me and saying he was sorry to then writing me that I'll be throwing away the best friend and only friend I ever really had if I leave him. Too much drama, too much potential danger to stay with him any longer. All the best to everyone on this board..... Your words have really helped me in my unwavering resolution to vamoose and remove myself from his life completely.
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Please be careful Blue Fig. And please keep us posted so we know you're okay, okay?
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 No offense but you've insinuitated that you might be able to give someone advice here in private about a very serious situation and I'd like to know exactly what qualifications you have to be doing this. No offense taken on your misinterpretation. I was talking about helping her if she needed a place to stay or a ride or any other Real Life assistance I could offer.
amerikajin Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Got it. Thanks for clarifying that, then. I still disagree with not going to the authorities but I'll just leave it at that.
pinkprincess Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 no one has the right to hurt you.. my bf of 5 years had never hurt me even once!
Crono69 Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Hearing stuff like this pisses me off. Why do girls go after these controlling men who beat them then me who is a "sweet" guy dont get the girls? Girls say thats what they want but when they get it, they dont want it.
alphamale Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Hearing stuff like this pisses me off. Why do girls go after these controlling men who beat them then me who is a "sweet" guy dont get the girls? Because those controlling men are masculine.
samsungxoxo Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Hitting doesn't mean masculinity, but rather it's the definition of a "LOSER".
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Hitting doesn't mean masculinity, but rather it's the definition of a "LOSER". Oh yeah, that's pretty much all it implies.
lindya Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 In exactly 19 days my condo is closing and I will have just enough money from the sale to move far away. My now exBF has caught wind that Im really going to be leaving and is trying to be all warm and fuzzy and friendly suddenly. Not buying it. Congratulations. Ending a relationship is always difficult, even if that relationship is with an abusive person. Especially then, in some ways, as you have the additional fear factor built in...and obviously the longer you spend in the company of someone who's projecting their own problems and insecurities onto you, the greater the negative impact on your own self esteem. All of that can make it doubly hard to move on. some family and friends and a priest whom I spoke with all think if I try hard enough, pray and love him enough that he will act better. Good intentions and dogmatic beliefs are no substitute for wisdom and natural insight. Thank God you've got enough of the latter qualities to say that in my gut & heart I don't agree. Time to start having a bit of fun and aiming for a happy life, instead of continually having your boundaries and tolerance limits tested by some abusive prick whose talent for completing IQ tests grossly exceeds his talent for life.
Outcast Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Why do girls go after these controlling men who beat them Because the controlling men are snakes who portray themselves to be the nicest, kindest, sweetest people until they hook you and then you see the real side. Why do you men think women are so stupid? Do you honestly think any girl who is alive and breathing would stay with someone who showed his true colours on the first date? Not hardly Read her story again. This guy seemed fine for FOUR YEARS. It's longer than most but I have heard of stories where couples were married for several years but the abuse didn't begin until the wife was pregnant or had kids. So instead of wasting your breath complaining about women 'choosing abusers' how's about working to educate your fellow males that abuse of women is NOT acceptable? Geeze.
alphamale Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 So instead of wasting your breath complaining about women 'choosing abusers' how's about working to educate your fellow males that abuse of women is NOT acceptable? Women choose the men they want to be with, period. If men had the power to choose their women then they'd all be dating porn queens.
Outcast Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 No, Alf. Women choose men because the men present themselves as being the sorts of men the women would want to be with. Some are being truthful. However some are lying, deceiving jerks. Others have serious flaws they know they have and try to hide. Too many of you bunch make yourselves out to be Prince Charmings when you're actually toads. And women keep thinking they can believe men when the men act all nice and kind and sweet. For the first few months. It's the old bait-and-switch game - one with which I believe you are VERY familiar.
alphamale Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 And women keep thinking they can believe men when the men act all nice and kind and sweet. For the first few months. It's the old bait-and-switch game - one with which I believe you are VERY familiar. I don't think so OUTCAST....the "nice & sweet" ones rarely get a second date...
cutegirl Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 What about hitting lightly, not slapping but just lightly? My bf says he has a right to hit me if I push him which I do sometimes too which is "provoking". Not as in hitting hard but gently. He says things like "why is always about the WOMAN? Why is it ok for a woman to push a guy but not for a guy to do something back?" I don't feel like I need "special" treatment because I'm female. I support myself, I am just as successful and capable as any man if not MORE. I feel like making exceptions for women is a bit like sexism, it's like saying women aren't strong enough to defend themselves or need "special treatment" because they are weaker. I don't consider myself weaker than any man.
Outcast Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 WTF are you doing pushing him? You do realize that not just men are guilty of abuse, do you not? Once more: It is NOT repeat NOT OK to choke, hit, push, pinch, smack, smash, punch, stomp, step, or in any other way exert physical force on your partner to show displeasure. If you're mad, go smack a pillow but do NOT be pushing him. You two are headed for one of those mutually abusive relationships. Get out now, get help (both) and start over with a new attitude and someone new.
cutegirl Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 WTF are you doing pushing him? You do realize that not just men are guilty of abuse, do you not? Once more: It is NOT repeat NOT OK to choke, hit, push, pinch, smack, smash, punch, stomp, step, or in any other way exert physical force on your partner to show displeasure. If you're mad, go smack a pillow but do NOT be pushing him. You two are headed for one of those mutually abusive relationships. Get out now, get help (both) and start over with a new attitude and someone new. Sometimes out of frustration. By bf is 25 but acts like a little boy. When we get into fights he will actually plug his ears (plug one finger in each ear) like a little brat and say stuff like "I can't hear anything, all I hear is mumbling" or make a bunch of weird noises so he can't hear me talk. And it leads to me getting frustrated because he won't listen to me...
johan Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Sometimes out of frustration. By bf is 25 but acts like a little boy. When we get into fights he will actually plug his ears (plug one finger in each ear) like a little brat and say stuff like "I can't hear anything, all I hear is mumbling" or make a bunch of weird noises so he can't hear me talk. And it leads to me getting frustrated because he won't listen to me... When he pulls that little trick, instead of pushing him, you should knock his head off.
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