BareGoddess Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I think it's called evil. No. I think it's just lower forms of human beings.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Dump the rich, successful, handsome, predatory, violent, domineering piece of s*** now. At least right now you can still walk away. Next time you may not be so fortunate. One thing I've heard said before is that a woman whose significant other hits her is only blameless the first time. The reason being, she shouldn't even have been there for it to happen a second time. Which sounds a bit harsh, but hopefully you get what I'm saying. The guy you thought he was, was an illusion. Sorry to say but it's true. What you fell in love with was the outward appearance he fed you to hook you and reel you in. Now he's shown his true colours, and they ain't pretty. Get a restraining order against him if you must. Tell your family, your friends, and anybody who will listen, so that if (god forbid) something happens to you, they'll all immediately have an idea who's responsible. Change your phone and email addresses. Do all that now, while you still can.
kimba Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 He sounds like a dickhead- you deserve better than this. In australia theres an ad on tv and it says "IT IS NEVER OK TO HIT A WOMAN". Its never ok to hit anyone except in self defence- which is what you'll have to do if it keeps up. Get away from him and as soon as possible. He sounds mean emotionally, physically , and financially. You CAN do better!!! You would be better off on your own. Just get out while you have some mental strength, bevause he is beating you down and soon you will think that you can't leave!! he really sounds like a dickhead.
Citizen Erased Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I have only ever heard of one situation where I found it right for a man to hit a woman. My boyfriends father was stabbed in the groin and head by his ex-wife. He punched her. Once. To get the psycho bitch away from him before she killed him. Do you know why she did it? Because he found out that she slept with someone and she couldnt handle him knowing. SO SHE STABBED HIM! I am lucky she didn't get a certain other place because otherwise I wouldn't have a boyfriend. I don't think anyone can argue that it was definetely an excuse. Unfortunately enough, his sister sided with his ex wife and thinks he is a wife beater and his son from his first marriage never speaks to him because of the poison she has spread about him. So unless all women go around stabbing their significant others in the groin, your partner needs a rude awakening. How about by you leaving hi because he is a jerk. Run far away and never look back. Find a real man because any one who could treat you like that is barely even worthy of being called a human being.
Author BlueFig Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 If you must, for your own safety, hang out with him until you are able to break free completely. This is what I had to do. It was much easier than I had thought it would be, actually. And I lived with the man and took his children with me, too. See, he is so self-absorbed it is relatively easy to change your thinking w/o him even knowing. He probably won't even notice the change in you. He is only worried about himself. So just put on a happy face and suck it up until you can make a break for it. Be nice, don't provoke him, act like he is the center of your world. And plan your escape. I told him that I can't be with him unless he would get therapy and change his viewpoint. He told me he doesn't need or want therapy. He said it has been his opinion for many years that a lot of women are spoiled demanding biAtches and that most men probably get sick of them and can't help but be forced to beat them up. ('Blame the victim')......... He then told me that if I want to break up with him , fine but that Ill be dead in his eyes and he'll never take me back. He then scared me by saying he doesn't know how angry and vengeful he may feel towards me and it is best that I move away. He then laughed and added in a creepy voice, that he didnt know what he might do to a new boyfriend of mine either. When I asked him if he cared that I was utterly disappointed in him. He said he doesn't care what I think or feel about his actions, that's not important. He then twsisted the knife by saying he should go back to his old girlfriend because she was sweet and loyal and would never annoy him enough to hit her. I told him that I feel like I dont know him and he said I was the one who was changeable. (gas lighting me) I haven't spoken to him since then. I've got to get away from him. And Ive figured out that he's probably a diehard narcisisst. I want to run away immediately but I feel curling up in the fetal position for a long while. Anyway thanks for all the great advice here
purspeed Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Listen to me carefully: look up Stockholm syndrome online (Google it). Call the local police dept (anonymously if need be) and give them your scenario. They are very helpful and discreet. Your life could possibly be in danger, no joke.
Outcast Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 BlueFig - consider yourself lucky that you're getting out now. The guy is a total nutjob. Whatever face he first presented to you was completely fake. Sadly, some of the worst people are some of the best impostors - that's why perfectly smart and reasonable women end up in relationships with these sorts of sick types only to find as time passes that what they thought would be a great life turns into a nightmare. I'm glad to know you're one lady who's managed to escape
amerikajin Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Your boyfriend's got all the classic signs of a manipulative abuser. What's worse is that he's smart, so he knows how to manipulate not only you, but everyone around you. He's stable on the surface, so it would probably come as a surprise to many that he'd be even capable of something like this. But things like 'you'd be dead in his eyes' or 'he doesn't know what he might do to a boyfriend'...that's to strike fear into you so that you don't leave. The guy's got self-esteem problems, so he manipulates. Know one thing: this situation almost NEVER gets better on its own. You will have to leave him - there are no ifs, ands or buts about it. Leave him. Period. Its just difficult because some family and friends and a priest whom I spoke with all think if I try hard enough, pray and love him enough that he will act better. Next time, tell him if they love him so God damn much they can start dating him. Who's been the one dating him all this time? You, not they.
Becoming Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Blue-- It sounds like you can now see what he's doing. He's a misogynist. Plan your escape, please, and leave. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Listen to amazyngrace and take pleasure in STEALTILY planning to leave. You can stay cheerful on the surface knowing you're going to have the upper hand in the end by leaving, which will completely emasculate his abusive power. Keep us up to date. We all love a good escape story. Go, blue, go blue, go blue, GO! (That's cheering you on.)
amaysngrace Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Hi Blue Fig. I noticed something. You have your location as NJ. Is this where you're from or where you live now? I am in NJ too. If there's anything you can think of that you might need, I wouldn't mind helping you. Feel free to Private Message me, okay?
Becoming Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I'm not sure the private messenging works until there've been so many posts? ????
ILoveDaniel Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I'm afraid that I may have to run screaming from my boyfriend of almost 4 years. Im almost 30, he's almost 40. He used to seem perfect & still has a lot of surface charm to those who only know him superficially ( handsome, seemingly devout Catholic, Mensa iq, witty and draws 6plus figure salary) He used to seem deep & caring to me, but I'm afraid he has much darkness in him. I feel utterly duped. I consider myself to be pretty savvy girl, but I think he may have fooled me for years into thinking he's a good guy at heart. 1.- He expects me to do his laundry, mail his bills, pick up his medicine, do his laundry, buy or make his dinner and wake him up/bring him coffee every day. He makes a lot more money than me and won't pay me back for all these expenses unless I beg him repeatedly. And then he will only pay me back about 50% of the costs (we don't live together) Strike 1 2.- I'm 5'5 125 lbs and he's says he'd like me better and be more interested in marrying me if I weighed 110-115. He constantly lusts after girls on TV and in Movies & on the street who appear to be only 16-18. He has even said how hot he finds his friends daughters who are just turning 18 (he thought they were hot at 15) Strike 2 Also women whom I think are healthy and attractive he calls chubby and chunky. Such as Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson. He trys and tells me that all men really want skinny women and they only settle for 'fleshy' women. 3.- Lastly & most disturbing he has gotten physical shoving me or throwing things at me when I stand up for myself. And even when I would try and appease him he would continue shoving me or slaping me on the head. But he was never so berserk that he left a mark. Finally after he grabbed at my throat one Xmas eve, I broke up with him. He never apologised but said he missed me and we ended back together. He hasnt done that in 2 years. But he has threatened repeatedly to hit me or throw things at me if I 'annoy him' or am 'disrespectful' Yesterday I was telling him how I had witnessed a woman getting beat several years ago and how I happened to run into her again and was glad to see she was now happy and married. My boyfriend's reaction stunned me. He told me that most of the times women who are hit DESERVE it. He then added that I deserved it in the past. I was in shock and asked him if he was kidding. He said no and that some women deserve to be beaten and any time I "think that he may or may not have beat me" I did something to deserve it. It's so disturbing that I can still like a lot about him when he has such a depraved side to him. I think my biggest problem is that for the first year or so he was the best friend ever and it's hard for me to swallow that it was just a figment of my imagination and that person never really existed. That he was just pretending to be my soultwin. I'm still mourning the man who never was and wishing he'd come back. Should I just leave him right away ? We don't live together and my condo is almost sold so I will have a bit of money to move away. (He always tells me that he might go ballistic if he had to watch me date in this town) Sorry but you need to get the hell away from this guy. If a restraining order is what it takes, then that's what it takes. You sound like my fiances' Mom. Her husband is a nice guy (around me) but in the past has gotten drunk and put a loaded shotgun to her head, thrown things, etc. yet, she still refuses to leave him because she Loves him. AND that was when he was DRUNK. These things that he does are when he is sober right? Well that makes it 10x worse, actually.
amaysngrace Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 He then scared me by saying he doesn't know how angry and vengeful he may feel towards me and it is best that I move away. If I were you, I wouldn't break up with him just yet. I would just call him and act like everything is great between you. Say 'I love you'. That's always good. I know it sounds irrational but think about who you're dealing with. Don't be alone with him at all right now. If he insists on seeing you, go out in public. Buy him dinner if you have to and meet him there. Say you're tired after. Whatever. I think pacifying him right now is the best way to go, IMO.
amaysngrace Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 If a restraining order is what it takes, then that's what it takes. No offense, but a restraining order is just a piece of paper. Even with one, a victim of DV can be in danger. Often even moreso, because now he is really pissed.
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 No offense, but a restraining order is just a piece of paper. Even with one, a victim of DV can be in danger. Often even moreso, because now he is really pissed. Nope. It's better than a piece of paper because if he does something to you they can prosecute to the fullest extent. Without that piece of paper, he won't get the jailtime that he deserves for messing with you and very often, he'll just get a slap on the wrist. I waited to get my restraining order. My ex busted my door down and attempted to strangle a friend of mine to death after throwing me into a wall and knocking me temporarily unconscious. At that time I had not gotten a restraining order. He bonded out of jail and was running around within a day. It took eight months before he was finally put in prison. I finally got the restraining order, and it's good for the rest of my life. So even when he gets out of prison to come looking for me, if he does try anything I can have him locked up again quickly. Sometimes a piece of paper is better than nothing. It helps to document evidence against him in case something else happens.
amaysngrace Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Sometimes a piece of paper is better than nothing. It helps to document evidence against him in case something else happens. True, but going to the local police station and making them aware of the situation works well too. Without the RO. And without letting him know something's been documented. I saw an Oprah show where the woman had requested a TRO. She was denied and the guy was a horrible man and she had hard proof! He came into her work, doused her w/ gasoline, and set her on fire. I figure if you've been walking on eggshells this long, what's the big deal of doing it a little while longer? Not doing or saying anything to provoke him is the key, IMO
westernxer Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 There is something primal at work that keeps the worst kind of guys in the gene pool. Female insecurity (can go both ways, of course).
Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 When I was 19, I was dating a guy who I sincerely loved to bits. But after a while things changed... and he was depressed all the time, drank alot and grew argumentative. He had given me a key to his house when we first started dating. He said I was to treat his home like my own. On evening in the run up towards Christmas, I went to his house and was going to cook him dinner. I arrived around 5pm and he was sleeping on the sofa (or so I thought). So, I crept up the stairs to visit the toilet because I was desperate to go. No burglar is going to go to the bathroom right..? I washed up and came out. The bathroom door had frosted glass in it so he could have seen it was me in there. I came out and I walked right into him standing next to the door holding a loaded gun to my head. You know what he said "get on the floor and apologise for being a sneaky bitch". I did it. I was so f***ing scared for my life. That evening, I cooked him dinner. I laid in bed next to him listening to him saying he was sorry he didn't realise it was me, he thought it was a burglar blahblahblah. He knew exactly who it was and he thought he would have some sadistic fun by bullying me. I waited for him to sleep. I stayed awake and listened for his breathing to even out. I crept out of the house, leaving my key and a note saying I wouldn't be back - we were history. The next few weeks were hell. He called me and called me begging me to come back and that he couldn't live without me. He was suicidal etc etc etc. But NOTHING he did could get me back to that house. No way José! I lived in the nurse's quarters so he could never gain access to me because there was a warden and security controlled. I was safe. I didn't mind and he stayed away. A few years later, our local newspaper ran a story that he had been imprisoned for GBH (gross bodily harm) to an old lady in his care. He had punched her and given her a fractured eye socket. The kicker...? This guy was a psychiatric nurse. Not any more he isn't. When that story ran, I realised that night I walked out, I was lucky... I could have lost my life if I stayed with that guy. Everything he ever told me about his ex-es made me wonder. He said they always left and took up with other men. He slung his hook out and reeled me in. You've seen the light. DO NOT listen to anything he says and continue being careful. This guy is clever and smooth. As the guy I knew was, he was smooth with everyone. All the people I knew couldn't understand why I walked away. I never told anyone the gun incident. I never elaborated at all. At 19 years old, you don't need that kind of crap in your life... but I am sure glad I knew at that age what the hell I was doing because I'd be way up s*** creek now if I hadn't. Congratulate yourself but tread lightly for now. Best wishes Girl.
Kathleen2260 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Underneath all that insecurity you seem like a smart woman. You know the answer to your question. You are just looking for validation here. Your boyfriend has stripped your of your self-esteem. He has made you doubt yourself. He's attacked you not only physically but emotionally too. He wants you to feel insecure so he can have control over you. As for the comment about he would like you more if you weighed 110 lbs, well there are plenty of guys who would think you are absolutely perfect at 5'5 125 lbs! And any man who is going to "not like you as much" because you do not have the body of a pre teen girl isn't worth your time. I really identified with what you said here- I think my biggest problem is that for the first year or so he was the best friend ever and it's hard for me to swallow that it was just a figment of my imagination and that person never really existed. That he was just pretending to be my soultwin. I'm still mourning the man who never was and wishing he'd come back." I am going thru a similiar situation myself (no hitting involved just emotional cheating) but I have this same feeling too. Plus my friends and family are telling me that what my boyfriend did wasn't a big deal so its hard for me to let go and realize it is a big deal adn that I do need to move on. It is difficult when you've intertwined your life with someone and you are so attached to them, even if they treat you like s*** you will still have feelings for them. You have to realize though- your boyfriend is a fake, he is also an abuser. And THINGS WILL ONLY GET WORSE. I have never had a man hit me but I can imagine it is very demeaning. This guy is dangerous so I suggest you take everyone's advice and leave ASAP. Move back to where your parents/friends live if necessary. This guy doesnt' care about you (except that he can control you and belittle therefore making him feel better about himself) At one time he may have ACTED like he cared but he doesn't anymore and even though it will cause you a lot of pain you need to let go and LEAVE. I know it is hard but just think of how much more miserable you will be if you stay. It will only get worse and I agree with the others that you are probably in danger so please for your own sake get out. You will find someone who will treat you with respect and you will be so much happier, it may take time but it WILL happen.
CrushedOrgans Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 No, it is not ok to hit your girlfriend. it's not okay to hit anyone. i've been hit by my boyfriend, and i've hit him as well. neither of us liked it very much. but no one should be excused because of gender.
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 True, but going to the local police station and making them aware of the situation works well too. Without the RO. And without letting him know something's been documented. I saw an Oprah show where the woman had requested a TRO. She was denied and the guy was a horrible man and she had hard proof! He came into her work, doused her w/ gasoline, and set her on fire. I figure if you've been walking on eggshells this long, what's the big deal of doing it a little while longer? Not doing or saying anything to provoke him is the key, IMO In my county, the police won't do a damn thing unless you have the RO. In order to get an RO you have to have three documented incidents with the police. So if you don't have that on record, or some evidence, then you're stuck and it is better to keep quiet. But it's ALWAYS important to have legally verifiable documented evidence against your abuser. This was advice given to me by the assistant state attorney who prosecuted my ex. If you have no evidence, there's nothing the authorities can really do.
amaysngrace Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 In my county, the police won't do a damn thing unless you have the RO. In order to get an RO you have to have three documented incidents with the police. Are the abusers made aware of every time you document an incident?
ILoveDaniel Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 No offense, but a restraining order is just a piece of paper. Even with one, a victim of DV can be in danger. Often even moreso, because now he is really pissed. Your point? It may just be a piece of paper but that measley piece of paper could save your ass from getting killed someday and if he actually does cross it then he goes to jail! It's as simple as that. Sorry to be rude but it's the truth.
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Are the abusers made aware of every time you document an incident? Nope. It just gets filed in a report. You can get a temporary order of protection that lasts until the RO court date without the abuser knowing anything as well. They just have to show up for the court date. In my case, my abuser told me outright that he would come after me after he got out of prison. He told me an elaborate disturbing fantasy about abducting me and killing me. I know I can't do everything right, but if I do disappear after he gets out they'll know who did it.
amaysngrace Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 My bad then. Where I live the abuser is served papers on the pending RO. So he knows about it pretty much as soon as you file for one. And it usually takes about ten days before the court date. A RO may definitely be the way to go.
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