BlueFig Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 I'm afraid that I may have to run screaming from my boyfriend of almost 4 years. Im almost 30, he's almost 40. He used to seem perfect & still has a lot of surface charm to those who only know him superficially ( handsome, seemingly devout Catholic, Mensa iq, witty and draws 6plus figure salary) He used to seem deep & caring to me, but I'm afraid he has much darkness in him. I feel utterly duped. I consider myself to be pretty savvy girl, but I think he may have fooled me for years into thinking he's a good guy at heart. 1.- He expects me to do his laundry, mail his bills, pick up his medicine, do his laundry, buy or make his dinner and wake him up/bring him coffee every day. He makes a lot more money than me and won't pay me back for all these expenses unless I beg him repeatedly. And then he will only pay me back about 50% of the costs (we don't live together) Strike 1 2.- I'm 5'5 125 lbs and he's says he'd like me better and be more interested in marrying me if I weighed 110-115. He constantly lusts after girls on TV and in Movies & on the street who appear to be only 16-18. He has even said how hot he finds his friends daughters who are just turning 18 (he thought they were hot at 15) Strike 2 Also women whom I think are healthy and attractive he calls chubby and chunky. Such as Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson. He trys and tells me that all men really want skinny women and they only settle for 'fleshy' women. 3.- Lastly & most disturbing he has gotten physical shoving me or throwing things at me when I stand up for myself. And even when I would try and appease him he would continue shoving me or slaping me on the head. But he was never so berserk that he left a mark. Finally after he grabbed at my throat one Xmas eve, I broke up with him. He never apologised but said he missed me and we ended back together. He hasnt done that in 2 years. But he has threatened repeatedly to hit me or throw things at me if I 'annoy him' or am 'disrespectful' Yesterday I was telling him how I had witnessed a woman getting beat several years ago and how I happened to run into her again and was glad to see she was now happy and married. My boyfriend's reaction stunned me. He told me that most of the times women who are hit DESERVE it. He then added that I deserved it in the past. I was in shock and asked him if he was kidding. He said no and that some women deserve to be beaten and any time I "think that he may or may not have beat me" I did something to deserve it. It's so disturbing that I can still like a lot about him when he has such a depraved side to him. I think my biggest problem is that for the first year or so he was the best friend ever and it's hard for me to swallow that it was just a figment of my imagination and that person never really existed. That he was just pretending to be my soultwin. I'm still mourning the man who never was and wishing he'd come back. Should I just leave him right away ? We don't live together and my condo is almost sold so I will have a bit of money to move away. (He always tells me that he might go ballistic if he had to watch me date in this town)
blind_otter Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Yeah that's pretty disturbing. I don't think you need a consensus from a message board to tell you that, though.
Author BlueFig Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Yeah that's pretty disturbing. I don't think you need a consensus from a message board to tell you that, though. Its just difficult because some family and friends and a priest whom I spoke with all think if I try hard enough, pray and love him enough that he will act better. But in my gut & heart I don't agree. That's why Im desperately looking for outside 3rd party sage advice.
norajane Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 You have an out-of-control control freak on your hands, and a violent one, at that. Any man that says a woman deserves to be hit should be immediately dumped. And what does he mean that he might 'go ballistic' if he had to 'watch you date' in your town? Why should you have to move away from your friends and family? That's him trying to control you again. Dump this loser, and forget about those charming initial memories. He's replaced them with a lot of crappy things over the majority of your relationship. Pray if you will, but prayer won't change an abusive man who sees no reason to change his behavior. You don't have to put up with it.
BareGoddess Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Wow, what a loser! I would move away. Why would anyone want to remain with someone like this? You deserve better. I'd rather be alone than with someone like that. And he sounds a little dangerous to me.
Outcast Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Your post just goes to show that having a Mensa level IQ means nothing if your EQ is in the dumper. I'm still mourning the man who never was We'd all love to hang on to the fantasy men we create. But imaginary friends are for kids. One of the major chores of being an adult is accepting the fact that wishing won't make it so. Its just difficult because some family and friends and a priest whom I spoke with all think if I try hard enough, pray and love him enough that he will act better. You cannot love dysfunction out of a person and I'm sorry that the people around you have bought into that myth. Take it from me, I've tried. Until someone with a lot more experience in dealing with violent men explained that they are broken in a way that is almost completely irreparable, and certainly beyond what a mere partner might be able to bring about. Whatever his brilliance, he suffers from serious flaws in logic if he thinks he can argue convincingly that people who displease him 'deserve' to be hit. Leave him, leave town, and never again make allowances for violence in any form.
bluetuesday Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 oh come on girl, you know the answer to this. he treats you badly, says he'd like you better if you were skinnier, lusts after 15 year old girls and justifies being repeatedly violent towards you. hardly man of the year is he? loving him enough WILL NEVER pull him out of these patterns. praying enough will never pull him out of these patterns. he CHOOSES to be this way and you let him get away with it. charm means absolutely nothing, as you have discovered. find a man with good character next time and get the hell away from this idiot.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Hi BlueFig! You know that it will only get worse... He sounds like a narcissist to me. The 'strikes' that you posted are real RED FLAGS. He is demented if he thinks that a girl deserves to be hit. He is sick if he lusts after teenagers! Do not marry this man. Do not have children with him - because he will use them against you!! He will tell everyone that you are CRAZY and he will make sure that you will end up with nothing if you decide to divorce him. I am so glad to hear that you 'woke up' to his lies and deceit before it's too late. Run, and don't look back! This is a bad apple, and they don't ever turn good. And you cannot turn a blind eye once you've seen the light as you are seeing now for the first time. Grieve for the man you've lost - but really, he was never that man - but don't beat yourself up for it. He's such a good liar, he even fooled his family and the pastor! Take good care of yourself. You will need a lot of time to think on your own to get out of this hell. Gather courage from within. You know him better than any one else. He's very, very sick. Remember that.
Author BlueFig Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Why should you have to move away from your friends and family? That's him trying to control you again. Actually Im moved to this town for him. Any friends I had here got married and moved already and my family lives 100 miles away from here at least.
stoopid_guy Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 NO NO NO NO NO It's never OK to hit your girlfriend/wife that way. OK, a good-natured pat on the bottom in fun or something like that, but to bully another person is never acceptable. There's absolutely NO valid reason to strike another person short of defending yourself or someone else. Period. Get away from that relationship ASAP.
jerbear Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I think you already know the answer to your question. Being almost 30 you look for an older man while he looks for a younger more controllable woman. Charm, religious, 6 fig salary is jus a front for society to say he (or she) is a productive, religous, and spiritual person of society. Yes he is behind that mask. Behind closed doors he is a disturbed person and unstable. Think of it as bi-polar. Let me guess, probably taller than you like tall and charismatic? I dispise people who view violence as the first to all means. Really upsets me that some would allow themself to be assaulted and know the person too. So what if he sees you date others? What can he do? there are guys out there who make 6 figures, productive and even younger than him! yet, stable and not bi-polar. The 50% costs means he is trying to drain your resources to a point you depend on him. Making you do errands is just how he can control you by saying, "he needs me, otherwise he will fall apart" I am sorry but this would lead to more domestic abuses as time goes on. Do what you need to sell the condo and move on.
alphamale Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I'm afraid that I may have to run screaming from my boyfriend of almost 4 years. He is 50% of the problem and you are 50% of the problem because you stay with him. It always takes two to tango...
a/k Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 No, it is not ok to hit your girlfriend. Wife beaters will never change unless they seek professional help. I would avoid him if possible. good luck
purspeed Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Unless it's consentual and not corporal punishment, it's not okay. You need to leave this loser in a hurry. But, the only reason why you won't is low self-esteem. Don't ever allow a man to strike you or be violent with you, verbally or physically.
BareGoddess Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I agree with Purspeed. She doesn't think she can do better so she won't leave him. Those of us who've been in a similar situtation know. And then later we say "WHAT were you thinking?" I hope you don't have to learn the hard way, Megan.
Becoming Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Would it ever be ok for you to hit him if you thought he deserved it? Uh, no. So why would it be ok for him to hit you. And your priest and family thinking if YOU just tried harder he wouldn't hit you this just makes me :sick: Oh, come on, people! I don't care if the Pope says you should try harder, God doesn't want us hurting one another. Period. No excuse. GET OUT NOW! RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN. Listen to your gut. It's right. The really scary ones are the charmers who look good to the rest of society with their six-figure salaries because no one believes you. Until you're dead. And, to be perfectly blunt, that's where you can end up if you don't walk away. So for God's sake, choose life! GET OUT!
paperazzi Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 If you think it would be difficult to leave him now (even though your gut and heart tell you to), let me spell your future out for you if you stay with him: you marry him, you have kids, he beats you a little then a lot, THEN you try to escape. By that point, you won't have access to any money, he'll threaten to take your kids away from you, you'll likely end up in a transition home with NO self-esteem and kids that you'll probably have to share custody with. Then you'll be doing damage control not only for yourself but for your kids, too. I know because I've experienced this and apparently I'm not alone with this kind of experience. It sucks, but it's all too often true. Men that have this kind of opinion about women DON'T change, but the women they're with do. Mourn him as if he were dead because technically he is. He presented a persona to you that was fake and is starting to let his true monster shine through. You need to heal yourself and learn from the experience and understand that there are people out there that are true chameleons and it doesn't matter how smart or saavy you are, you can still be duped. Move on.
Stunner Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I think "run away screaming" is pretty much what needs to be done. Look up verbal, emotional, physical abuse and Narcisissm on the net and read up!!! I just left one of those a**h***s and it doesn't get better...there are not enough 'sorrys' in the world to make up for what he is doing to you!
amaysngrace Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Yes, you'd better run fast and far! He tells you to lose weight. This lowers your self-esteem, which is your ammo against his abuse. He makes you wait on him which, in effect, reaffirms the thinking that you are merely a second-rate citizen here for the sole purpose of meeting his needs, in his mind. He is attempting to drain you financially. Which is his way of having control of your life by limiting your resources. He threatens what will happen and has shown you his anger by hitting you already. One and done. He has made his point to you of what his capabilities are. Better Not Cross The Line. He tells you what will happen if you date others. A threat tactic which is instilling fear in you. This fear will still cause you to worry about the safety of your 'new' man, which will cause you to bring your past dysfunctional relationship into your new one. A control tactic. He has already accomplished moving you far away from your friends and family. Classic abusive maneuvering. Once you leave, he will most likely tell you how much he loves you, how much he has changed, is going to kill himself, blah blah blah. Plus "I'm Sorry" over and over and over. Don't listen to a single word this manipulative liar has to say, okay? If you must, for your own safety, hang out with him until you are able to break free completely. This is what I had to do. It was much easier than I had thought it would be, actually. And I lived with the man and took his children with me, too. See, he is so self-absorbed it is relatively easy to change your thinking w/o him even knowing. He probably won't even notice the change in you. He is only worried about himself. So just put on a happy face and suck it up until you can make a break for it. Be nice, don't provoke him, act like he is the center of your world. And plan your escape.
stronger_daily Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Get away from him. It's never okay to hit a girlfriend/wife OR a boyfriend/husband in that way. You know this. You just need someone to tell you what to do because that's what he's reduced you to. Get away from him and find your strength again.
witabix Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 The answer is simple. NO It is never acceptable, under any circumstances, ever.
bananas Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 The answer is simple. NO It is never acceptable, under any circumstances, ever. Not even when she doesn't have dinner on the table when he gets home from work? Seriously, You need to get the hell away from this guy. I know he might seem so "perfect" and all but chances are you can find someone who has all the superficial qualities (if that's important) as well as someone who will treat you right. I can't believe he basically told you you were fat. In my opinion that's skinny at your weight. I don't know what else to tell you that's not been said already, and I think you know what you need to do as well but the question is, will you?
johan Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Some boyfriends/husbands deserve to be burnt alive in their beds. Other guys deserve to have their dicks cut off and thrown out the window of a car. Not really, actually. But the logic is the same. You might run that by him. Or maybe not. I'm not sure there is anything you can do with him or say to him that wouldn't be a waste. I know you're just looking for support here. You already have the answers you need. But I think it's such a terrible shame women stick with guys who resort to beating them. I think it's a shame that guys like that have to live with themselves, so miserable and off-track. This is a variation of the nice guy/a**h*** debate. It's interesting to me that guys who are beyond a**h***s and are actually dangerous don't seem to ever be without women. There is something primal at work that keeps the worst kind of guys in the gene pool.
Becoming Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 There is something primal at work that keeps the worst kind of guys in the gene pool. I think it's called evil.
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