confused423 Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 alright so im still in my temp LDR... and im coming back in three weeks for good, i have no plans on moving anywhere else, this is it, im grounded. At the start of my relationship i was very insecure but over time i grew to trust, after i moved away both her and i somehow let our guards up and now were different, we dont know how to go back to where we were, and its so much harder than just saying "lets just start from before things turned" and what we are now is definitely not what we were before i left. id like to think its because of the fact that were more defensive towards eachother now, thats why things are bad. Ive talked about this all with her and she feels that sometimes she needs a friend more than a boyfriend, but when she needs a boyfriend she wants me, and she made it very clear to make sure i knew that she wanted me and didnt need me. She says that if things dont change when i get back then well break up. but my stance is that if we dont start changing now or at least trying to then three weeks from now our relationship will be so dead it wont even be worth saving. Im confused... i dont know how were magically get better when i get back, i guess i just think that its not gonna happen unless both of us want it too. And i definitely want to, but shes not so sure, now it just feels like im being pulled along until she decides. At first i was pleading and acting quite desperate, not because i am but because i just dont want to loose her. And i could see this was only making things worse, so naturally i went here and read and found out that in times like these its best to give her space that she needs and let her make the decision. I dont want to break up i want to know if theres anything i can do more than what im already doing. And another part of me thinks that if we do break up im just not gonna want to move on to another, i put too much time and effort into making this work, i had to open myself to her and that wasn't easy for me, i feel closer to her than ive ever felt to anyone. AND the one thing i can never say anything to is that she says that im her best friend of all, and that she needs me in her life, but she dosent know if her boyfriend should be her bestfriend. If we break up i wont have anything to do with her, i guess its how i cope, but i think that your SO should be your best friend. Im not trying to start another are boyfriends bestfriend material, ive already read that one, Yea my main question is what am i missing from this picture? why did we change and how do we change back? thanks for the help!
Author confused423 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 oh yea and i guess i should clarify this, she says that she needs me in her life but wants me as a boyfriend, not that thats bad but it was just to help u guys know what kind of people we are.
Author confused423 Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 ok so i should have mentioned that i havent talked to her in two days, and today she calls me, and sounded angry. we didnt really get to talk because she wanted to go. i checked her myspace and im almost completly out of it! besides it saying shes in a relationship no one would know the difference. Little subtle hints like this crush me because i feel like why dosent she just tell me instead of play around with my heart. sad as it is im sitting in my bed feeling sick to my stomach, doors locked and i cant do anything to save myself. Obviously ive got some depression.
Author confused423 Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 did i word this whole thing wrong? Maby i wasnt clear? or is it that everyone who reads this is pretty sure that the relationships done for and im just depressed. not really much that could help that...
Walk Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 It doesn't sound like either of you are very clear on what happened, or really what the problem is. Or maybe she knows and is telling you confusing things because she can't come clean with you. She wants you, but she doesn't. You can't leave her, but she doesnt' want you around. Your her best friend, but you can't be.... From an outsider perspective... I'd say she found someone new but doesn't want you to find out. She doesn't seem to want to work it out, and you're right... it takes two people. I think I'd end it now instead of allowing it to drag out for several weeks. Its terminal now, and holding on tighter won't fix anything. But if you end it, she might realize that what she's losing. And if she doesn't, at least it will be less painful then the additional harsh words that would've been spoken, the long nights of wondering, and the days of clinging to that thin shard of hope. She's not treating you with respect. Nor is she working toward keeping you.
Author confused423 Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 so is all of what im going through normal in a healthy relationship, or do you think that i should just move on, is there a better girl than this, or do i just bring on these things myself?
Author confused423 Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 hey walk, you seem to always have advice for me did you go through the same situation? if so...did it end well? did it end at all?
Walk Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 In a healthy relationship, theoretically, both parties would discuss the underlying problems that are causing the symptoms of pulling away, they would offer solutions and then come to a comprimise that would work for both parties. You're girl sounds like she's not willing to even discuss the actual problem. But she's all for telling you what she wants. She wants you to hang around, be available, but not too much in her space. She wants you there as a bf, and best friend, but only when she feels like it. I think your thoughts on working on the problem now are mature and intelligent. But she seems stuck in fantasy land. I may be wrong on this... and I don't have any concrete reason to say this. But from past experience, when a girl starts acting like this, usually its because there's another guy she wants. She keeps the current on the back burner until she finds out if it'll work with the new guy. If it doesn't, then she goes back to the old. If it does, then you two break up and she's already got mr. new lined up. I've had a similiar situation happen. And no, it didn't end well. I felt like I'd busted my ass to make the relationship work and I kicked myself afterward for not realizing the other person wasn't even trying. Unless you have a clear idea of what the problem is that is causing the two of you to disconnect, then all you two are talking about are symptoms. You can't heal a relationship by patching up symptoms. If you do have an understanding of what may have lead to the problems, then maybe if you posted it on here, some of us could give you a suggestions on how to start repairing it. If it's because you two have changed, then unless you BOTH work together.... you can't repair that. My suggestion. And it may or may not work, so really think it through and see how it might fit into your relationship. But pull away and set some boundaries with this girl. Let her know that you aren't going to be waiting in the wings for her to suddenly decide she wants you. That you don't want to be her "best friend", and you WILL leave her if things don't change. Be blatant. Don't pull any punches. Tell her if she doesn't want to discuss what the problems might be then the two of you have nothing to "fix" and you won't allow yourself to be in a one sided relationship. Stand up for yourself. Don't be mean about it, but don't be a wuss either. Basically state that you don't like where this relationship is going, you feel she isn't treating you how you deserve to be treated, and until she shows that she's willing to work with you on this, (by talking about the problems and working on them now) then you have nothing further to talk about. I know you don't want to break up with her, or lose her. But I think she's lost respect for you. No respect = no love. And if you continue to accept her behavior and plead with her to listen, she'll push you over even more. The flaw in all this... she may want you to break up with her. That may be why she's doing all this. So be prepared for a negative outcome. However, if you're clear that you want to work on the problems together, and you are only setting your boundaries as to her treatment of you. Then even if it ends, She will be the one who caused it to fail. Let her know you want to work out the problems, but make her decide what her part will be. Either as gf who is working as hard as you are, or ex who has no part in your life. But don't accept this "wait in the wings" until I'm ready for you BS. p.s. You are her bf... I agree that our SO should be our best friends, but not JUST our best friends. I don't have sex with my best friends. I share the most intimate details of myself only with my bf. I think that is what you want, not best friend status. Let her know that there is one title for you in her life and that is as bf. You won't be friends, you won't be her buddy, but if she wants you as her bf, then she needs to work on the relationship with you.
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