I don't know what's significant and what's not.

[DuRaS27]

[FONT=&quot] I don't know what's significant and what's not.

 

I'm 21, she's 20. Junior and Sophomore in college. Her in junior, me in a four year.

 

So two months ago my girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me. Our relationship wasn't the best I guess-- I was never that crazy about her. She was my first girlfriend and I honestly didn't know how great what I had was. The majority of our relationship was spent long distance--I lived 4.5 hours away and she sometimes visited me.

 

She's a very loyal girl, very loving and nice. She used to bring me presents for me and just act generally crazy about me. It was towards the end of our relationship when this stopped. It wasn't until then that I had finally started getting used to the idea of having a girlfriend, and actually appreciating it rather than being single.

 

We were the type of couple that spent every possible second together kissing or cuddling, and when we were away from each other we were always on the phone (720 hours to be exact!).

 

She broke up with me by saying she wanted a break. Worst part was that it was during finals. To be honest, I was mad, but not really upset at what had happened. I wasn't sure how I felt at first. I guess I didn't really believe we were even broken up. I knew she'd been crazy about me for so long so I figured she still was. We acted as if we were still going out for that week--then suddenly I found out she liked another guy. It was about this time that I began sobbing and begging for her back, but she was firm.

 

Once I returned after finals, I figured everything would be back to normal. Even she dropped hints that it would be, but when I went with her on a date nothing was the same. For the first time since I met her, I couldn't kiss her on the lips and I couldn't touch her wherever I wanted. I broke down after our date when I asked to watch a movie with her the next day. When she said she might have plans (notice the MIGHT), I sobbed uncontrollably probably for two hours, including the ride back.

 

That's when she decided to officially break up. She gave me once last kiss on the lips, and one last cuddle, but that was it. The next day I called her, and we agreed not to talk for at least a month.

 

For a few days it was hard, and I kept calling, begging for her back, but then I went away for the weekend and I found it easier not to talk to her. She sent me several emails basically apologizing for the breakup, saying that it was her fault and that she bailed out rather than trying to fix the problems. When I got back, I continued not to talk to her, but then she called me.

 

I should have ignored that first phone call I know. I should have done a lot of things I guess. I picked up, and she told me how her summer was going to suck. She told me how someone had referred to this new guy as her boyfriend and she freaked out. She asked me how it happened that her summer was going to suck so much. Then we agreed to meet up and have tacos the following day.

 

Tacos went well, and she was as giddy as a school girl to see me and talk to me again. Later that night she called me and said she wanted to get back together, but wanted to take it very slow just to be absolutely sure. The next day she IMed me and told me she had good news. Then she called me again, told me that she'd cancelled plans with this other guy to go to this music festival so she could go with me. It made me happy and things were looking up.

 

We also agreed to go see Over the Hedge together, since we'd been looking forward to seeing that movie. So we went, things went... okay, but we were getting back together slowly, just as she said. No real kissing yet.

 

The next day she went out with this guy, and I found out later through a 3rd party that she was making out with him. So she tells me she's almost absolutely sure she wants to get back with me--and then makes out with some other guy.

 

Things go downhill from here. Not knowing that she was liking this guy more and more, I begin accumulating things to give her on the 9 month anniversary of our first date. I even buy party supplies to throw a small party for just her and I. Then I find out something I didn't even want to know--she loves the guy. I asked her if she loves him and she said, "I'm not going to tell you." Everyone knows that means, "yes", but she doesn't want to burn that bridge with me.

 

Then she proceeds to tell me that it changes nothing between her and I. How does she figure? Seriously, how does she figure?

 

Strangely, things keep moving very slowly forward. On our next date, she kisses me multiple times, but then the next day she freaks out and tells me that she's not sure if she ever wants to get back with me. She says she's only about half sure, maybe even less that she wants to get back together. She tells me how she always feels chained to me, and feels pressured to act a certain way or do certain things when she's around me. She feels like I analyze her every move and everything she does.

 

The following day I tell her that I don't want to talk for a while--not until the music festival which is still nearly a month away. She calls me once to tell me that she loves me and misses me. She tells me how she was naming her children, and then suddenly she realized that they all had my last name. Stupidly, I answer and talk to her for an hour, let her release her feelings to me.

 

Let me explain something really quickly: while we were dating she decided to go to the same school as me. I told her not to consider me when assessing which school she wanted to go to, but the fact is that she always wanted to go to my college way before she met me, but she also wanted to go there because of me. She committed to my college before she broke up with me.

 

I go away on vacation to California--unfortunately (or fortunately) in a place where I didn't get very good service. She goes to see "The Breakup" and she misses me, leaves me a phone message. She visits the college with her father, and she starts to miss me. She leaves me four messages detailing her conversations with current students there--including several where she referred to me as her boyfriend.

 

I find a place with good service, and stupidly return her calls. We talk for a good half hour. She tells me how more of her stories. She tells me how she missed me so, so, so much. She hints at us getting back together when we go to school. She tells me how we'll be spending 700 hours together (time we spent on the phone) plus time sleeping, which doesn't count since we're not doing anything then anyway.

 

The next day I come home and go on a small date with her. She acts basically like my girlfriend, but still doesn't kiss me as she normally would. Always on the cheek, or she brings her face really close to mine, rubs my nose against hers, kisses my nose, or kisses me on the cheek. She even tells one of her good friends (who has never met me) that I'm her boyfriend. That same good friend referred to me as her boyfriend later that night and she didn't bother to correct her.

 

I later talk to her on the phone and this is our conversation:

 

Me: "I'm worried about the future--about us."

Her: "I think we'll be fine."

Me: "Do you mean separate, like I'll be fine and you'll be fine, or do you mean together?"

Her: "Together"

 

So that's basically my situation right now. I've asked her, and I know she still doesn't want to get back together. I do still want her back. It's been two months and I still love her and still want to be with her. I want to marry her one day. I know if I don't get back with her sometime within the next two months, I'll be heartbroken just as much as when she first dumped me.

 

Two nights ago I probably had the worst night ever with her. We went to the music festival together and were having fun--but unfortunately I had read her diary earlier where it basically said that this new guy is "the one". Then I started getting drunk with her (her idea) and touching her all over, basically acting like she was still my girlfriend. She was fine with this, but then her friends came around (who also know this guy) and she started acting like she didn't even want me to so much as put my arm around her.

 

I exploded at her a couple of times (mainly because I was drunk) in front of her friends, saying how she puts on an act in front of them, and eventually she didn't even want to see me. I left, she called later to tell me that everything was cool and it was just going to take her some time to get over what I had done. She knows it was because I was drunk and it was partially her fault for letting me get there. We agreed not to talk for a week.

 

So what do I do? Do I call her after a week, or just never talk to her again? I don't know because for the first time since she broke up with me (and first time since we started dating), I feel like I don't want to be with her anymore. Tell me what to do, and I shall do it. Thanks for reading my long story.

 

 

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[magichands]

I exploded at her a couple of times (mainly because I was drunk) in front of her friends, saying how she puts on an act in front of them, and eventually she didn't even want to see me. I left, she called later to tell me that everything was cool and it was just going to take her some time to get over what I had done.

 

I think you should think about the reasons behind your anger.

 

Give her some time. I'm not sure that she knows what she wants. Do you think she knows what she wants?

 

She knows it was because I was drunk and it was partially her fault for letting me get there. We agreed not to talk for a week.

 

How about taking responsibility for your actions?

[DuRaS27]

Well, when it comes right down to it, it was my fault. I am a very strong believer that you are responsible for your own actions no matter what drug is in your system (assuming it's not a drug that puts you to sleep or paralyzes you).

 

Either way, I should have known how it would effect me. Every time I drink I tend to get really emotional and somehow I thought it would be okay if she was there. It didn't make a difference, however.

 

I think I used a poor choice of words there. She THINKS it was partially her fault--not she KNOWS.

[MacGyver]

Anything you do is because of you! Dont blame it on others. Like magichands said, take responsibility for your actions.

 

She is very very very confused. She seems to want her cake and eat it too. I hope you know what i mean by that. I would give it time and possibly not see her as much or maybe not at all. I know it will be hard, trust me its very hard, but in times like these you need to take a step back and look at the whole picture. I think you both need some space.

[magichands]

I think I used a poor choice of words there. She THINKS it was partially her fault--not she KNOWS.

 

I stand corrected.

 

So... do you think that she knows what she wants?

[DuRaS27]

I don't think she knows what she wants, but unfortunately I may have screwed up everything now and she may not want me at all anymore. I doubt what I did screwed up everything, but I definitely feel like something has changed between us. I've just got to give her a few weeks and see if she bounces back and feels better about me. I think that time heals everything.

[DuRaS27]

I also believe that she's using me as a sort of back up plan in case things don't work out with the other guy. I mean, think about it: if she stays in love with him or whatever and decides she wants to stay with him, then I get screwed. But if she decides she doesn't like him so much after all, then I get back with her.

 

I'm a back-up plan.

 

I know she won't admit it, but it's 100% true.

[MacGyver]

I'm a back-up plan.

 

I know she won't admit it, but it's 100% true.

 

Sure does sound that way. The only thing i dont like about "waiting" or "having a break" this:

 

Over time, we tend to forget why we broke up with them. Surely enough we forget the bad times and the good times win. The problem is that once we get back together or give it another go, those bad things we had forgotten arise all over again, and the process repeats itself. Not saying this is always the case, but 9/10 i believe it is.

 

Unfortunately, through experiences of my own i no longer believe people can change.

[DuRaS27]

I've always known that people can't change and I told her that over and over again. Even now that we're broken up, I told her that I haven't changed, but I've changed the way I treat her.

 

She knows the reasons her and I broke up very, very well. It's like she has a list of them in a notebook somewhere. I've tried to correct every single one of these problems and I've made many, many promises.

[Thursday_le]

I think that People can change to a certain extent. Especially if they are young like me. If a person hasnt gone threw the many experiences of life...there will always be that " I wonder if" things. People only change threw hard times. It makes them realize what they did...maybe not right away...but eventually. Yes there are hard headed people out there. I doubt that anyone on here had an ex like that. If that were the case...why would any of us be on here? People learn threw experience. Im only 18 and Ive realized that.

 

So I believe people can change by improving themselves for the better. It just depends on how bad they want it to work out.

[MacGyver]

I hope you are fixing the problems for yourself and not for her!

 

Change how you act or treat someone only because YOU WANT TO. Dont do it because you want to show her you've changed or maybe because she said it was one of the reasons you guys broke up.

 

You shouldnt change for anyone, and NO ONE should ever ask you to.

 

Fair point Thursday_le, but the only reason i believe people dont change is because even after they do change, it always returns later on. Although you are correct, you learn through experience, and that does change the way you handle things, but ive yet to see that. I'm only 24, so i have lots of time (I hope ).

[DuRaS27]

I'm changing because of her and because they're changes that need to happen. I simply should have treated this girl better, and I know my next girlfriend (if there is one, last time I mentioned this to her she seemed to think I wouldn't need to have another girlfriend) will be much happier with me.

[MacGyver]

I truly hope your changing for yourself and i respect your decision a lot. I think it takes a lot of guts to admit problems you have, and even more guts to change them.

 

She seems confused, and like you said is keeping you as a backup. I would give it time, and in the mean time i would work on those things you want to change.

[DuRaS27]

So I broke no contact two days ago and called her. She wasn't that mean, but was short with me. She didn't even say that she loves me at the end of our conversation. I really regretted doing it.

 

However, later that night she called me back, apologized, and said she loves me and she forgives me for what I did at the music festival. Then she went on to say that she was sorry she'd been so short to me in our conversation before. It made me feel better about her and I not talking, and I think I'll be able to last a little longer now.

 

I feel like I want to be in contact with her (talking on the phone), but I don't want to see her. Seeing her breaks my heart every time. I can't stand not being able to kiss her like I used to. I can't stand that feeling of being around her, but not being with her.

 

I think if I don't see her for the rest of the summer--until her and I go to school together, that it'll make it all the more special to see her again (and for her to see me again) once we go to school.