Jadey Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Yeah..that one. What do you think of it? When an ex saying "I'd still like to be your friend" or "can we be friends?" or "let's be friends" something along those lines!!?. I think it depends on the situation. But me and my boyfriend have split up on an "ok note", we aren't all angry at eachother or anything, and he says he'd like to be my friend. Have you guys experienced this? DID you stay "friends"? Is it even possible? What are your views and or experiences of this?. Oh and also, what do you think of the: "maybe even in the future, if we get ourselfs sorted out, we can give it another try, but for now it's just not working" line? Do you think these things are genuine in generall or not? PS. This has most probably been done more than once before, lol!! So sorry if it has been. .
j.carsey Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Yes, I have had two past girlfriends who I broke up with on ok terms (nothing shattering) and we did remain just friends. It wasn't awkward, and we have not rekindled past passion or cheated on current SO's or anything bad. However my last girlfriend is proving to be a bit more difficult to break up and remain friends with. This ex apparently still loves me, and this is an uncomfortable situation. We have had lapses, like 6 months after not seeing each other, where we were kissing again. Big oops So I don't know it depends on the situation, but from my past experience I know you can just remain friends sometimes without anything going wrong.
sirjay Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 I have been broken up with my ex of 3 years for 4 months. She had good reason to break up with me but wanted to be "best friends". This resulted in a lot of fighting because i could only read it as some game to get me to commit to her - i have made all the changes required and done a lot of self improvement in the meantime. i still want her back! So i ended up initiating NC and 5 weeks later she got back in touch and the latest development is that she is saying that she misses talking and hanging out and that we should get back in touch soon after having this break. I made it clear that i couldnt handle being around her if she is going to be with another guy so ... i dont know if she just wants friendship or something more. I know i could never handle friendship... i'm too passionate.
Diver012 Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 If things ended "Ok" and it was basically a mutual decision, or a decision that can be accepted without hurt feelings toward eachother. Then why not? I say go for it. I have a few Ex's from my past that I still talk with. Its a nice comfort knowing that when the chips are down, and I need a female point of view on an issue, I can call them and get it. Its worthwhile. Good luck
jerbear Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 One of the first lines to hear. I do not maintain friendships with ex's because of the drama involved. What would I want someone who does not want me or I want them? They are ex's. After awhile I could be friends but not immediately; maybe after either one is married I can be friends but not when either one is single. I had some who get divorced then contact me about establishing friendships. Not exactly something I expected.
Author Jadey Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Yeah, but the thing is..we didn't end because we don't love eachother (I am almost 100% certain he still loves me), or because there is somebody else, or anything like that. We ended because we both have a lot of problems, we both suffer from an Anxiety disorder, which makes us think thoughts about eachother that are NOOOTTT helpful in a relationship. We are basicaly ill.. He said that it's just not working out at the moment, and that he is truely dissapointed because he'd love it to, and that he wants to be friends, and maybe in the future if we get ourselfs "sorted" we can try again. But FOR NOW we need to try and move on. I agreed, we both wished eachother the best of luck in the future and said that both of our health comes first at the moment, esp since we're both young and got our whole lives ahead of us. We ended on a pretty "positive note" but I am still confused. He says we need to try and move on but that there is a chance in the future. Surely, we understand eachother more than anyone without the same problem could? How would he find someone else who will be able to understand him as much? And do "trying to move on, but maybe in the future" means that he's planning on getting somebody else?? Or working on himself, or what?!!!! ARGH. I'm so worked up right now! lol. (we both don't get out much because of our Anxiety anyway, and him less so than me..so there isn't much of a chance of that happening I don't think. At least no for a good while.) I mean, what do I do then? I don't think being friends is a good idea, not yet anyway. We both still love eachother, I know that he'll be missing me, and we really wanted it to work out. Being friends would likely be too hard. I really wanted to know if you guys think that he's being genuine with the whole "maybe in the future" thing? Or was it to make it "easier" on me and him? Or maybe even to kind of "keep me there"?? This sucks.
MacGyver Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I know the feeling and its very very hard to sometimes remain friends. I was told something along the same lines, but i find that i can't be her friend, well not just yet anyways. This is because as long as im around her, ill remember and start hurting. I dont wanna see her with someone else either. You can be friends, but you should never expect the passion/love you guys once had to return, because if you do, being friends will eat you up inside. Your situation is exactly like mine. We split because we were just a mess. We were sick, in debt etc etc... We both had problems which in the end needed to be fixed. She told me that we need to fix the problems and if/when they are fixed MAYBE we can give it another go. But unfortunately things dont work like that. You have to realise that "maybe in the future" is just that... MAYBE! So does that mean your going to wait around for god knows how long on a MAYBE??? Stop wasting your time and move on. IF!! and i mean IF!!! you think the chance of a future with this person is possible, then i would suggest telling them that for awhile we need to just be apart completely. This way you can both sort out your lives without the other person getting in the way or even just being there, because if the day ever comes where either of you decide that there is no future for you, a least you didnt spend the last xx days/months/years waiting.
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Have you guys experienced this? DID you stay "friends"? Is it even possible? What are your views and or experiences of this?. I was actually open-minded enough to try it ONCE. But I only managed to keep up the act for a month before it just grew tired and stale for me. I don't know … going from being lovers to friends just felt superficial and phony. Trying way too hard to remain polite and nice, while all the reasons you broke up in the first place were still bubbling under the surface. While I've never experienced an ugly break-up yet (they've all been amicable and mutual) I just can't seem to pull off the lover-to-good-buddy routine with any kind of real sincerity. And my poor acting skills show! For me … an ex is an ex for a very good reason.
spinnelli Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 If you want to be friends, be friends sure but still try to move on at the same time. I think you can do both and it doesn't always have to be all or nothing. My ex and I have very similar, weird personalities so we can relate in that way. I don't always find a lot of people I can relate to like that and I do want to keep him as a friend if I can. We have the "maybe in the future" hanging over our head but I'm not holding my breath. We are friends, we hang out and all that but I don't let that stop me from dating others and doing my own thing. And I don't break my plans for him, i.e., if I have plans with another friend and he calls, I just tell him I already have plans and I go about my business. I don't flaunt my dates in front of him and he doesn't do that to me either, in that case, ignorance is bliss for both of us. Right now I'm just dating around but if someone comes along that I like a lot, I won't close myself off to the possibility of a relationship with them because I'm waiting on my ex. I've decided I'm not going to wait for him but since our breakup was amicable, there is no need to write him out of my life either.
Guest Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Can we still be friends, he asks. Hah! I have no interest in being friends or casually dating the man who dumped me after 9 months. Why should I be his arm candy? I know he's shy; I know he's lonely. So after practically raving about how much we were alike he says there's no emotional connection. Yes, he admits he'll miss the companionship and sex. And he can keep on missing them. Said he didn't feel any better after telling me. That's because he knows he won't find a better woman!
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 my ex's idea of being 'friends' after he dumped me was carrying on exactly as we were except he was calling the shots even more so and even more controlling.....he would put the phone down on me if i tried phoning him....i wasn't allowed to see him.....if he'd ring me a 2 am and i had to answer or he'd kick off.....i sat GLUED to my computer for 3 weeks crying my heart out because he'd only communicate with me over there and he'd carry on if we were still together saying how much he was in love with me and cries and misses me etc etc blah de blah.....the 2nd i turned my attention elsewhere he was on my case....basically he wanted to be 'friends' to make sure i didnt run off to anyone else and he'd always have me there as and when he needed me for an ego boost etc........pfft men...no offence guys. He was one piece of work!.....and after a month of NC...he harasses me with all sorts of reminders of our 'love' and 'relationship' because my mate told him i'd moved on.....ego's i hate them.
j.carsey Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 NightsInWhiteSatin... don't generalize from your experience. I am remaining friends with my ex, and I really don't care that she's dating other men. If she calls me, we chat. If neither of us calls, no big deal. It doesn't have to turn into some kind of weird control/manipulation thing
Guest Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 The day you stop noticing that they didn't call..or that they called is the day you know you are completely over them. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The day you genuinely stop caring if he's dating a girl, a rat or a roach is they day that the war is over and you're home free.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 it's easier for the dumper to remain friends with the dumpee. on some level the dumpee is aware that the dumper thinks they are better than them (in most cases)
Agent M Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I've been in both sits., friends or no friends. It depends on how the rel. went. It sounds like you two could pull off being friends, but maybe after a break or just communicating now and then. This is so that you don't stay stuck on each other. It also sounds like moving on is a good idea....you could work on your anxiety issues and be better prepared for a future rel. with each other or someone else. It's hard to say, without knowing him, what exactly he means about moving on, but it does sound like dating other people is a possibility. I just broke up with a guy and decided NOT to remain friends. He always said he wanted to be friends no matter what. But, he did not treat me well and I also don't want to hear about new girlfriends or fun times where I wasn't invited....atleast not yet. I am friends with 2 ex's, both of whom really reached out to me after the rel. ended and after the hurt was gone. However, we really don't hang out or talk much.
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