Sonic_chaos Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Hiya, I thought id better register and get some other peoples opinions. im not cutting the story short but ive already typed this once and completely lost the lot lol so sorry if im vauge at times .. Ive recently met this girl off the net and we have been going out properly for about 5 -6 weeks. In that very short time i feel i have really got to know her and i dont believe ive go soo close to a girl before, without sex so far. i did have a girlfriend for 9 month and didnt feel half as close as this in 5-6 weeks has been.. So saying im happy is an understatement. Unfortuatly i booked to go on holiday before i met her and im due to go in the next couple of weeks, I dont wanna go really now as my last gf found someone else in that 2 weeks i was away, so i came back wanting to get to know her more and she said, its off. But she has recently worried me more with saying that "no offence to you but i have all this s*** going round in my head n at this moment i dont know what i want, im getting pulled in so many directions for different things i feel im going off the rails, i need to get away, away from everything n decide what i want, n start doing things for me" i havent spoke to her in a couple of days since then and ive tried text messaging her twice with no reply. Ive also seen her on MSN messenger but she quickly went offline when i came on. I know she has alot of things rolling about in her head, like.. her best friend has just been sectioned under the mental health act after trying to cut a baby out of herself with a pair of scissors , She has her brothers wedding next weekend that she doesnt wanna go to as she doesnt see eye to eye with the bride to be, Me in the equation and also other things at work, Where she has just been made up to a supervisor. Wheather this added pressure is driving her away from me i dont know. But very time i think of her i feel sick, which as of late has been alot. Im 26 and she is 22 next month, ive not had many girlfriends and not alot of experience with this dilemma. The distance isnt helping, *we live 30 miles away from each other and she cant drive so i do all the driving back and forth* ive only been seeing her at weekends as she gets up early in the morning and home late'ish at night she also works saturdays, So sat night and sunday is all the time i get with her for now. As i said before i really dont wanna go on holiday as im so frightened im gonna loose her thro lack of intrest at the moment. I know she feels something for me, as it was her that was doing all the persuing online to get me to go and meet her. My insides are in knots thinking about it all the time, So i have gone from a happy go lucky lad to a nervous, edgy person wanted to know what she feels, when she doesnt know herself. Any advice at all? thanks for any comments at all. They will all be took on board. Mates have been giving me advice too and think i should interflora her some flowers, but i dont wanna pester her anymore, that could drive her out..
BareGoddess Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 You need to go on your vacation. And you also to need to BACK OFF. She's clearly sending you messages to do so. So do it. If you don't, you will lose her. The BEST thing you can do now is go on your vacation.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Thanks for your reply. I just get mixed messages sometimes thats all and it confuses me, *doesnt take much, sorry * from last weekend staying up to 4am getting to know each other by playing with each other and kissing. And to the ignoring me..which can get frustrating at times. Most of it turns out she lost her cell phone in her bedroom and didnt find it till this morning, So me over reacting again! BUT i am so paranoid that i'll get hurt again coming back from holiday. What do they say. Once bitten, twice shy? i know i cant compare people and she is alittle different from the other girls ive dated before, i guess im just gonna have to wait it out and see what happens. thanks again for ya reply.. BG.. Her birthday is the last week of my holiday, im also thinking about sending some flowers? would that be a good idea you think? or would getting something from the holiday desination like ear rings or something of that nature be better? like something personally choosen?
norajane Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 You should absolutely 100% go on your vacation. She's telling you to back off and stop being clingy and leave her alone. That's exactly what you need to do. I guarantee if you don't go on holiday and hang around trying to reach her and see her, you will lose her completely. If she pursued you in the beginning, then you need to step back so she can pursue you again. Otherwise, you're too easy and she's likely to see you as needy and clingy, and she obviously doesn't need a needy, clingy boyfriend when she's already got increased work responsibilities and a friend with serious mental health problems. For her birthday, pick up a little trinket from your trip. A LITTLE trinket. You have not been dating long - don't go overboard by putting tons of thought and/or money into it.
BareGoddess Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I agree with Nora on the gift. Enjoy your trip. Oh and you're welcome! I'd bet she'll be there for you when you get back.
beachlover Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I found it interesting that people said to buy her something while you are on your trip. I personally would prefer the flowers, getting the gift on my actual birthday would show that you remember what day it is and I think it means more, getting something from your trip would be nice but not necessarily a birthday present. It's up to you, you know her better than any of us do.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 Thanks again all for your replies. great help in deciding what and how to approach it. I wasnt planning on going over board with any of the things, As beachlover said, it says ive remembered what day it was and sorry i couldnt be there, wasnt planning a massive bunch just something low key, What put me off the idea tho was, i read *Stumbled on* recently on a forum *car forum* i go alo on, i know its hard to believe!* that women would rather get something for there birthday that had thought in it or something personal rather then flowers as they are easily forgotten about or so i red. How true, i dunno as im male. hehe inital thought was something like ear rings, *which she wears alot of* nothing big, just something that cant be bought at home. flowers wise, something along the lines of roses. Not a clue what flower/s she likes. She has a tattoo of a Black *looks purple* rose on her leg in memory of her brother who died in a car accident, Any pointers. as stated, aint going silly with them. might decide on both. BUT she didnt buy me anything for my birthday which was only a couple of weeks ago, So maybe just something back from vaction would be more fitting. Norajane: unforutatley its just in my nature to be as you put it clingy. unsure if you believe in horscopes at all, but im a typical cancer. i do understand i need to back off tho, but i dont wanna back off too much as i still want her to know im there for her if she needs me ie to chat, be there etc. again thanks for your words. it can only make me a better person or learn more about how to approach the situation.
purspeed Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I didn't read all that babble, but just remember that nice guys are boring. Since you are in the UK and boredom is a national passtime, you'll have to be daring and try taking her to a (dance)club (if they have them overthere, that is).
bananas Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 "no offence to you but i have all this s*** going round in my head n at this moment i dont know what i want, im getting pulled in so many directions for different things i feel im going off the rails, i need to get away, away from everything n decide what i want, n start doing things for me" This is her spelling it out for you. Like someone else said, she is basically saying stop being such a wussy boy and clinging onto me. Women HATE HATE HATE that, I can't stress that enough. When they want space, give it to them. If I were you, I'd go on the vacation and force yourself to have all the fun you can, and if you find another female while your at it then jump all over it. Your not obligated to this girl one bit. I'd also stop calling her, stop instant messaging her.... let her come to you, if she doesn't, then she's obviously not interested. If she comes around, great. Just don't sit around with a thumb up your ass waiting for her to profess her love to you. Go out and meet other women, you have a severe case of oneitis. You say you haven't had many girlfriends so im assuming you don't have good game. When a girl does come your way, you probably put "all your eggs in one basket". This is a surefire way to disaster. You need to make it clear that your a independent, strong, desirable man and if she doesn't want you then you have no problem moving on to someone who does. Basically what im saying is, have a little pride in yourself and stop letting girls play you like this and get some confidence.
purspeed Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 "no offence to you but i have all this s*** going round in my head n at this moment i dont know what i want, im getting pulled in so many directions for different things i feel im going off the rails, i need to get away, away from everything n decide what i want, n start doing things for me" This is her spelling it out for you. Like someone else said, she is basically saying stop being such a wussy boy and clinging onto me. Women HATE HATE HATE that, I can't stress that enough. When they want space, give it to them. If I were you, I'd go on the vacation and force yourself to have all the fun you can, and if you find another female while your at it then jump all over it. Your not obligated to this girl one bit. I'd also stop calling her, stop instant messaging her.... let her come to you, if she doesn't, then she's obviously not interested. If she comes around, great. Just don't sit around with a thumb up your ass waiting for her to profess her love to you. Go out and meet other women, you have a severe case of oneitis. You say you haven't had many girlfriends so im assuming you don't have good game. When a girl does come your way, you probably put "all your eggs in one basket". This is a surefire way to disaster. You need to make it clear that your a independent, strong, desirable man and if she doesn't want you then you have no problem moving on to someone who does. Basically what im saying is, have a little pride in yourself and stop letting girls play you like this and get some confidence. Oh my god, there is a non-religious fundamentalist in here, afterall!! The first bit of non-Purspeed written rock solid advice.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 I didn't read all that babble, but just remember that nice guys are boring. Since you are in the UK and boredom is a national passtime, you'll have to be daring and try taking her to a (dance)club (if they have them overthere, that is). Im well into trance and dance music so for me that wouldnt be a problem, She isnt into that at all, infact more a sat at home watching a dvd type of gal. but i understand what you mean by daring, trying to do different things. Bananas: do i know you at all lol As youve basically nailed me to the boards with everything youve said being right about me. I do put all my eggs in one basket, very true. i dont go out every weekend to get my end away so when something comes along i wanna be me, all the above quote from my post before wasnt initally directed just at me, but it seems i aint making the situation any easier at the mo. So as you say i havent spoke to her since Monday and i'll maybe make arrangements before i go away then no more till i get back and see where the land lays.
norajane Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Norajane: unforutatley its just in my nature to be as you put it clingy. unsure if you believe in horscopes at all, but im a typical cancer. i do understand i need to back off tho, but i dont wanna back off too much as i still want her to know im there for her if she needs me ie to chat, be there etc. again thanks for your words. it can only make me a better person or learn more about how to approach the situation. She KNOWS, sweets, she already knows that you'll be there for her no matter what...that's why she feels the pressure and clinginess coming from you. She needs to WONDER a little bit if you'll be there for her, otherwise there's no need for her to change her behavior at all. If she knows that no matter how she pushes you away that you'll still be there, then she knows she can walk all over you, and that's not attractive to women... Good luck!
Moai Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Back off totally, go on your vacation, and say "hi" to her when you get back. No matter what else is going on in a woman's life, if she is into you she'll make time for you. I haven't seen you interact so I could be totally off base, but it sounds like you have already been too clingy and are worried about losing her, and so that's what is going to happen. Give her space and chill out. If she digs you at all, she'll find that more attractive, believe me. At the very least she'll have respect for you. The fact that she bails right when you get online is a huge red flag. That isn't things going on in her head, that is you creeping her out. At some point she liked you, but now not so much. You need to get back to where you were when she liked you, if possible. The only way to do that is to not be clingy and act like you don't care one way or the other. Nobody likes clingy, emotionally needy people. Again, the only thing that will remotely fix this is to back off. Your vacation gives you the perfect opportunity for this, so go and enjoy it. Meet as many women as you can, and put this whole situation behind you. When you get back, fire her an email saying "hi" and asking her how everything is going, and that's it. Don't ask about your relationship, or if you are still dating, or anything. Express concern for what is going on in her life, not where you stand and what she thinks about you. To do so will seal your doom. I am only going by my experience, by the way. I had this girl who I actually listened to, spent time with, but didn't care if she dated me or not--though I wanted to date her, it wasn't the be all and end all of the whole thing. Lo and behold, she fell in love with me. Keep in mind also that this girl isn't the only one you can have a connection with, and if it isn't her it WILL be someone else. As special as you think she is, she's not really. There are literally millions of women just like her.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 again thanks for ya comments people. Really a big help.. i undertand from her point of view what it must feel like, Being smuthered. I'll try and cut it out, not completley but majority of it. Hopefully last question as i think im beinging to bore some lol.. What happens when i sit next to her watching a dvd and she is laying all over me, do i completely ignore her an just let her lay on me doing nothing?
Moai Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Do you still watch DVDs with her? Or was that happening in the past?
bananas Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Im well into trance and dance music so for me that wouldnt be a problem, She isnt into that at all, infact more a sat at home watching a dvd type of gal. but i understand what you mean by daring, trying to do different things. Bananas: do i know you at all lol As youve basically nailed me to the boards with everything youve said being right about me. I do put all my eggs in one basket, very true. i dont go out every weekend to get my end away so when something comes along i wanna be me, all the above quote from my post before wasnt initally directed just at me, but it seems i aint making the situation any easier at the mo. So as you say i havent spoke to her since Monday and i'll maybe make arrangements before i go away then no more till i get back and see where the land lays. No, but I know that you sound exactly like the guy I was when I was a bit younger, so take it from me my man. I've had that kinda s***e happen to me over and over again till i finally got wise. Sounds like you have good taste in music.... get out in the clubs and meet a girl that you have that connection with. You don't need a couch potato brother, get a dame that wants to go out and get her groove on all night. My girl and I go out to the only place that plays electronic dance music in our city and we go all night, people love watching us. This is a way we really connect, she's usually horny like whoa by the end of the night too which is super.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Do you still watch DVDs with her? Or was that happening in the past? Its Happened in the past but if im gonna back off and see if she wants to persue me, then im gonna have to give over with the touchy feeling that happens *or used to* im going round tomorrow after 2 weeks of not ringing her, Odd text message and grunt on MSN. She text me this morning asking me if i wanted to come round. Bananas: yeah, would be good that, and i would be well chuffed if i could at least get to a club that played that sorta music in a club, every where around here play it safe with mainstream rnb and chart music which isnt to my liking at all, Reason why i turned to the net to get my trance kicks. im not saying she would never go in but She protrays it as i dont think its her cuppa tea. Thanks for your honest opinions guys, really apprieicated.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 After the worst weekend ever, i thought someone might as well have a laugh at my expense. Friday nite, really good vibes and getting on as we always did, stopped the clingyness and she started to move closer to me.. which was good signs.. Her mates turned up and i was like *oh again* so never thought anything of it, She is sometimes really funny with me especially when her mates *work mates as well* are around. Go to a pub and she basically spills her heart telling me that work is really getting her down but she really loves her job. SO without going overboard here i give her my best possible answer and said "think of Number 1, no one else" Anyway, after that i also find out who her real dad is, Which is going to this wedding Which was saturday. So i get invited. Soo im all ready for going. Next thing i know she asks me if i wanna stop over i said no as im at work the following morning and i also had somethings to sort out at home. She told me i was being a moody get and that she is normally the life and soul of the party, but if im down then she is, Which is a fair comment. I was only down as i was getting constant remarks from her about " Im glad to be with all these HAPPY people, and i wish EVERYONE was HAPPY" So i took it as a dig at me.. I left pretty late saturday morning 2am or so, and recieved a text message half way down the road. It read "Maybe we should 4 gd.dt. your mum wins" She had this thing that i was a mummys boy and that she was telling me to come home.. Which wasnt the case at all!!.. Anyway i sent another back basically saying "what are you on about i dont know what you mean?" Never got a reply. So i set out saturday nite to the after wedding reception, Her parents, brothers etc all happy to see me, i walk in and her face is like thunder. i could see her muttering under her breathe " i can believe this, im baffled" So i was still none the wiser. Started drinking heavily with her Male friend which was a good laugh,Seeing she wasnt talking to me, i thought id make the most of it. Alot of beer later, i was sick. yep, wasnt intented but it does happen, then i had to go stop at her parents house. Sunday morning comes, her parents are like, ooo you can walk straighter this morning can you? I was like yep, im ok but my pride is dented. She just sits there in disgust, Me still not knowning what was up with her. I thought it was the fact she didnt wanna be at the wedding. After me sitting with her in complete silence for a while i said, im off. i got the cold shoulder and "thank f*ck" which was nice. alot of text messages later, she had finished me friday night, unbeknown to me and she thought i was taking the pee by being there saturday night. Obviously her parents didnt know or they would have said something. I feel a right prick, not because of the situation but because i wasnt clearly told i dont wanna see you no more. If id have known i wouldnt have gone saturday night, made a idiot of myself and i could have gone out to a mates which asked me around 40 mins earlier i set off to the wedding. The last text message i got was "whats done is done, its over" and she finished me because i was being moody friday night? Which i was upset i was made to feel belittled. She clearly has issues, and it seems that i was one issue that was easily despensable at the time. I have a suspicon she still likes me, but she either cant be bothered or theres too much going on in her life without me being involved. I wanna contact her to at least explain why i came to the wedding part, But im afraid. In my heart of hearts i know ive lost her. and there is a part of me saying, she was too much trouble to deal with. i just cant believe she finished it over something so petty an a poor excuse if i should be honest. But i still love her. Its easy saying, Nahhh, dump her and get someone that cares. She cared and some of the things was so just her. Its just hurting.. As you can probably guess i am naive at times but if she would have told me or at least texted me proper i wouldnt feel half as bad. Ive only just got over the love sick stuff. Now i have to deal with that horrible feeling of rejection. Which has got to be the worst feeling i have ever experienced in my lifetime. Would you contact her via email, explain the situation better. Or just forget it and try and move on? her male friend also owns me £10, she will say i wont remember from being so heavily drunk, but i do i dont do the amnesia thing when im drunk.... Work has been real bad and im thinking of going on the sick this week, but at least im doing something at work, im guessing being off work will make me think about it more. its been said before above, yep im a wussy. Still doesnt stop the fact its hurting. I wanted this realtionship to work even more as its the first one ive actually sorted out myself without the use of mates to get me a date. Just turned out as bad.. thanks for ya inputs.. good or bad.. I also bought a birthday card for her which i was gonna get a friend to post nearer her birthday *as im off on vaction that week* With a little Guardian angel badge for her. Dont ask why.. would you still send that? or stick with the NC as previously mentioned in other sections of the forums..
bananas Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 NC NC NC and more NC. The more you tell me the more she seems like a "little princess". The type that wants you bending over backwards for her and constantly has you on your heels. I do my best to avoid this type of female like they were the bubonic plague. Honestly, I'd move on but if you really want to salvage something, your best bet is just to ignore her for a while. I shouldn't say ignore, just be indifferent. Don't go out of your way to talk to her or do anything for her, not even a birthday card. If she contacts you, keep it short and minimal without seeming to obvious. Don't immediately say something about how you boinked some broad first thing she contacts you, then you end up looking like a dumbass. It's all about timing. You seem smart enough, I think you still hold onto some hollywood fairytale ending bullspit though. Do yourself a favor and forget about her and work on yourself. Run, liftweights, play a sport, start dj'ing or producing tracks, go to school, something.... raise your own personal value and self-esteem, don't waste time on someone who is just going to bring that down.
norajane Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Well, we've all been giving you NC advice, and you don't want to take it, so you're just going to keep setting yourself up for more hurt and pain. Do what you want - you will anyway. I guess we all have to learn for ourselves.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Well, we've all been giving you NC advice, and you don't want to take it, so you're just going to keep setting yourself up for more hurt and pain. Do what you want - you will anyway. I guess we all have to learn for ourselves. I was told to back off, which i did and she wanted to get more of it of her chest which she did, to let me understand what she was going thro. I wasnt to know just to refuse to go, point blank. I have conflicting things going on, im listening to you people which are saying, back off.. Then mates girlfirends which know the real me others see say, you really need to get closure for yourself, basically to know what/why she did what she did and finished it. Ive had that in my last proper relationship where she just ended it, gave me a bum excuse and wouldnt say anymore and it took along time to get my head around it. They just thought it would help me more get over it, rather then trying to get back with her. Which aint gonna happen. Birthday card is deffo a bad idea, i have no contact with her so why would you send a bday to someone you that doesnt wanna know you anymore. I honestly dont know what i want. I would love to get back with her, but as bananas has pointed out and it has been duely noted by myself before that she can be a little princess at times and when it doesnt work out her way it goes astray. before reading these posts i was all for giving it the "i want you to be honest with me" email, and see what i got. might leave it after my vaction i think and decide then. You all must know how annoying that is tho. and the reason for the temptation..
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 What I've learned from my past experiences, is that it's really not necessary to understand the why's and wherefore's in a situation where someone doesn't want to be with you. All you need to understand is that if they wanted to be with you, they would. And if they don't want it, they won't. You don't need to blame them for it; you can't help it if you aren't interested in someone, right? Neither can they. If they treat you like sh*t, that's really all you need to see and understand. I know this hurts...I've been in your shoes, and I know. But asking for information and keeping contact just prolongs the agony. Rip it away like a band-aid, feel the sting, and then get on with the healing...it's tough, but it's easiest and healthiest for you in the long run. Go on your vacation and put her completely out of your mind. When you get back, forget that you ever knew her. There are soooo many wonderful girls out there that would be so happy to have a great guy in their lives - give one of them a chance!!
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 No its not for the blame factor at all. Just annoys me she couldnt come up with a better excuse or at least try to understand where she was coming from. Also annoying she was the instigator, so she wanted to meet me then just shrug me off. its like at least 12 month intervals *and as long as 2-3 years* when i meet women so when i do, it shows im being too much. and im obviously trying to keep someone that doesnt wanna be kept here. thanks for ya honest words people.
bananas Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Why such long intervals between women? Are you a social misfit, an oucast of some sort? Or do you just lack confidence with the ladies? Im telling you, if you just get out and meet people, you'll forget about this broad quickly. I think that's why when i was a bit younger I used to hold onto relationships so much, because I was not the outgoing type and had no self confidence. I felt that that person was the only one that would love me, so when it ended i tried so hard to make it work but it only pushed them away further. I know I completely screwed up one of the best connections I had with someone because I was too clingy and not understanding enough of her situation she was in. I'd forget about the letter, just let it be. You know that it's over, and she's not feeling it. She might give you false hope, like some women will do when put on the spot like that. I'd just move on, if she contacts you, keep it brief and impersonal. Even if she's begging for you to come over and boink her, you need to keep a certain amount of aloofness and indifference towards her. If she's begging for you back after a few months then maybe you could give it a shot, but i'd be cautious. Find a social setting you feel comfortable in, and meet people/women.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 Lack of confidence im afraid. Im fine with people/ladies i know, as soon as i have to approach one to make conversation it just goes to rat sh*t. Doesnt help all 99% of my mates have give up going out now as they all have girlfriends and fiances ie the almighty thumb is being pressed making a bald spot into the back of there heads! nah aint that bad, but its just lack of motivation as i wanna still go out. I also work in a all guy environment *engineering* so that doesnt help either in meeting new people/women and the confidence thing. Im trying to steer clear of writing that email, for my own preservation really. I do have strong will power *more stubborn if you wanna call it that!* but i have lapses where i just wanna see her or talk to her again, im sure she is going thro the same, she even told me the last night i saw her *albiet before we broke up* that she would be cut up inside, but wouldnt let anyone know how bad she would be on the inside, So it must have been hard breaking it, a tough decision or just had enough. Im not holding out for seeing her again to be honest, id like to, but she is so stubborn even if she knows she is wrong, *Soooo like me too that* it wont happen. But only time will tell.. It sounds like you are seeing in me the same you had once before. some of your comments are soo spot on its untrue. like the "holding on to relationships as you think no one less could love me, trying to make it work, the clingyness which i have controlled" Which is good to see from my point of view as it seems you've learned alot from the experiences youve had. only a couple of hours to go an i start my vacation ie traveling, so i'll reply to anymore comments when i get back.. thanks people and Bananas
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