gabelee Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Looking back on my years of dating, I am only now beginning to see the pattern. Why I could not see it earlier, I can't say. But I see it now. Why do I get into relationships with people I am not wholly attracted to? It seems I've always experienced two scenarios in the dating scene: meeting people to whom I am physically attracted, but who are not as physically attracted to me; and meeting and dating people who are attracted to me but to whom I am not as physically attracted. My rationale has been: it's the inside that's important, not the outside. So I have dated people with great "insides," but have never fallen in love, usually because I was left **sexually** unsatisfied. One exception: I had a 2-month relationship last year with someone who matched my sexual ideal, but while they dated me, they did not find me quite as sexually attractive and so I became a bit neurotic, and when we broke up I was in pain for several months afterward-- Last Friday it all finally hit me. I was at a club, just mingling and having a good time talking with people. (This was after a 4 month period of celibacy). I had early on made a mental note that I was **not** particularly attracted to a certain bartender who has been flirting with me on and off for about two years. But feeling lonely, this time I forgot my mental note and asked the person out to dinner this Thursday evening. About an hour later, I met someone at the same bar to whom I was much more attracted --and who also seems to have a nice personality. But I was in a fix because I had already made the date with the bartender. Of course, I also worry that the second person, even if we eventually end up dating, might not be as interested as me. The person's probably too young and attractive for me. I now sort of realize that I should not be with either bartender or hot-patootie, that I need to just wait until I find that "right match." I know that "perfect match" may never happen, though... So what's a person to do? I have this date with the bartender now on Thursday. I could sleep with him, but long-term probably would not be an option for me. I'm not sure exactly how the bartender feels, or how many people he sleeps with per month--(maybe lots!) This bartender knows everybody and if I piss the person off, my good cred will suffer. I have been making big improvements in self-esteem lately, which may be why I am now becoming more conscious of my past and present dating pattern. So my question is: how do I know when to enter into a relationship? What rule of thumb is there? Any advice? I believe I have learned a lesson this past weekend. I want to be wholly in love, emotionally **and** physically. How do I get myself out of this mess 1) in particular this Thursday and 2) in general, for the remainder of my dating life? Any suggs will be greatly appreciated.
j.carsey Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 I can't keep count of how many times I have said this, but bars are a bad place for meeting good people. Too much alcohol and impaired judgement, too much meat market, superficial people, one night stands, image, vanity, desparation and attention whoring. Of course it's unfair to say that everyone at a bar is a poor find, but my strong advice: don't expect to meet good guys in a bar/club setting One of the reasons I say this is, I know guys whose scene is the bar... and they are there to use women, have a quick meaningless fling, and temporarily patch their loneliness and insecurities. In a relationship, do you want meaningless alcohol-induced fun, or something else?
Stunner Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 My suggestion, try and keep from being in such a rush to find someone. Just learn to enjoy being with yourself. Be a whole person before you 'search'. That way you stop trying to dig out of the potential partner what you want...ie; great chemistry, good heart, great personality....You can't make them be all if they aren't already...make sense? In other words, don't settle for less that what you want or try to make a round peg fit into a quare hole. Secondly, go on the date Thursday, you aren't obligated to sleep with the guy. Since you've known him for two years and frequent the club where he works you may not want to tarnish his opinion of you by dropping your drawers on the first date. Guys talk too, you know.
Author gabelee Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Where I live and with my employment schedule, the bar scene is one of the few venues I have in which to meet people. I suppose the advice I am seeking would, ideally, apply to meeting and dating people in any context. I just happen to be meeting people in bars rather than in a religious or support group or etc. Although I agree with the previous comment (thank you, kind poster!)that the bar scene is itself problematic, my issue is more at how to achieve a mindset through which I can overcome the problem of my needs not being met due to hasty, half-hearted decisions. I suspect this comes from esteem issues and my own neediness? I really hate the words "settling for someone," but the phrase feels pretty close to what I have been doing.
jerbear Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 If you use a coffee maker in the morning, stop using it! I think what you might want to consider is to expand your horizons and goto happy hours AND coffee in the morning at whatever coffee place is near you. How do you meet someone if you do not venture out and drink coffee at home? Now if you are not into coffee... try a teahouse or bookstore as ideas. You get to meet a different set of people. I do not use bars to meet people even the classy ones with bottle service are problematic to a different degree. In regards to the bartender, go on the date but I suggest against sleeping with him on the first date. Keep that option open.
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