No idea....

[Walk]

Not sure what to think.. and I'm hoping I could get some different perspectives before I fly off on a nut about something stupid..

 

My bf was supposed to work on Saturday. I had horrible nightmares that night and couldn't sleep at all. So I was still up at 4am when he got up to go to work that day. He normally leaves at 5:30. But he wasn't even getting up to get ready. I asked why. He said he didnt' have to be there til 8. Few minutes later he calls his friend up, and the friend asks if my bf wants to hang out. Bf says yes. Friend asks if bf has to work that day. Bf says no. Dont' understand why he couldn't tell me this. I don't hound him about anything. I tell him he deserves a day off. He works hard for it. Why can't he just say what he means?

 

At 9 the bf goes and hangs out with the friend all day. From 9-4. I wasn't invited. He really didn't care I'd been up all night or why. He gets home and makes food for us. We watch an episode of family guy. He starts playing his video game afterward. I went to bed at 9:30. He said he'd be up in an hour. He didnt' come to bed til 3 or 4 am.

 

My parents invited us to come out to eat with them. It's a steak type place. Bf avoids steak, he prefers hamburgers. I checked with the restaurant before mentioning the invite to the bf, and they do have hamburgers and other items I know he would like. I tell bf about invite and menu options. He acts like I asked him to flay his skin off. He's said he likes my parents in the past. He's even suggested we go out there on occasion if we were driving past their house. It might be because my parents are insisting on paying. Might be because he couldn't afford to pay if he wanted to.. I don't know because he doesn't tell me these things. I have to drag it out of him.

 

I had wanted to go to the library and pick up some reading material. He'd said he wanted to pick up some stuff too. But by the time he'd gotten home and we'd eaten, the library was closed. Isn't open on Sundays. Don't know if he knew this though...

 

I feel shafted. He comes home and the time we spend together is about as exciting as watching a box of rocks. He doesnt' want to do anything I suggest. So I go and do it alone. Or he's sleeping while I'm awake. So I go and do stuff alone.

 

He keeps complaining about not having any money, being stressed because he doesn't know how he's going to pay all the bills on the wage he's earning. How we can't do anything because we don't have any money.

 

He was talking about how all men have this wander lust that never goes away. How all men desire just picking up and leaving and going where ever. Made me think he wants to get away from here. Pick up and leave all responsibilty behind.

 

Even if I offer to pay for things, he still won't go out with me. He refuses. Says I don't have the money to pay. They aren't expensive outtings. Maybe $20 total. He just says no. Doesn't say anything else.

 

We had sex friday night, and as soon as he was "done" he says... "That was a lot of work".

 

I haven't heard a compliment from him in weeks. I hear jokes about the quality of my bed making skills. Jokes about my cooking. Jokes about school. etc. But I don't hear the positives. Or am I supposed to assume they exist because he pays the bills, and comes home to me instead of going out all the time?

 

He doesnt' ask me how school is doing. Shows about as much interest in what I'm doing with my life as a ... I was goign to say stranger, but I've had strangers show more interest. He can't wait til I graduate so he doesn't have to be sole bread winner. I wanted to get my ph.d. or at least a masters. I get my BA in april '07. He says it'll be about time, since he's been supporting me since may 2005.

 

Then again. Maybe I'm making this into something it isn't. Maybe he is showing interest, does want to be with me and is just stressed out. Maybe I need to be more interesting, and find more exciting things to do? Maybe I need to put more energy into this so that he'll want to too?

[jerbear]

I think the passion is lost in him with all that stress.

Sex should not require a lot of work, it just happens.

 

When you do get your degree you have to the potential to exceed his earning ability. Your BF being a prideful guy does not want to feel inferior. He is the macho man where he knows and understands that in life there are winners and losers and overall he is falling behind while you are trying to get beyond the rat race.

 

He has some resentments with your education. My dad has similar resentments on with me getting a grad degree and undergrad. He wanted me to be a mechanic of all things and says I hate getting my hands dirty. Anyway, after you get your degree, you would earn more and that would cause some issues. Another thing with education is people do change. Their views on the world changes, their reasoning skills improve, and enter a different part of society. There is a difference in thinking between blue collar and white collar jobs.

 

You two should still have individual interests to keep things fresh. When he is doing his gaming, you go do something else. Once in awhile even if it is once a year, game with him. I think you two need to pipe down, quit being pains in the asses, and pursue hobbies.

 

He doesn't really understand you while you are improving yourself, your BF is stuck while you are moving forward at his expense. I do believe you still kept your part of the bargain; he just wants to change the "contract"

[Outcast]

I will continue to hope that you will wake up and smell the coffee and dump this person. Your relationship is WAY too much work and MUCH too much drama. It is not supposed to be that way. Sure, people have a few difficulties, but nothing on the order of what you experience regularly.

[MarnieGirl]

I will continue to hope that you will wake up and smell the coffee and dump this person. Your relationship is WAY too much work and MUCH too much drama. It is not supposed to be that way. Sure, people have a few difficulties, but nothing on the order of what you experience regularly.

 

i agree, walk. what good are you getting out of this?

[Walk]

He has some resentments with your education. My dad has similar resentments on with me getting a grad degree and undergrad. He wanted me to be a mechanic of all things and says I hate getting my hands dirty. Anyway, after you get your degree, you would earn more and that would cause some issues. Another thing with education is people do change. Their views on the world changes, their reasoning skills improve, and enter a different part of society. There is a difference in thinking between blue collar and white collar jobs.

 

This is off topic, but... I had assumed your family was white collar, pro-education all the way. Your views have never seemed sterotypical white collar to me, but I assumed it was because of other reasons. You've really had to push to get where you're at, haven't you?

[Walk]

I talk to him, and I tell him that I'm bothered that it seems he's been pretty critical of everything I do, and it'd be nice if he could balance it out with compliments.

 

Maybe I'm just too... abstract. He said he's not critizing me. They were jokes. That if he meant any harm I would've known because he would've gotten really quiet, and then said worse. Then he joked about the fact that he's passive aggressive.

 

I'm talking to myself here. Tried to explain that I'm feeling down because I don't have any friends.

 

All I wanna do is go mountain biking. But I'm hesitant to go alone. I guess I'm scared. The last time I did something alone I broke my back and my arm was at a 90 degree angle... I just lay there staring at the sky wondering if anyone was going to ever stop and help me.

 

now I'm just whinning. I'm off...

[MarnieGirl]

 

I just lay there staring at the sky wondering if anyone was going to ever stop and help me.

 

now I'm just whinning. I'm off...

 

good lord, child. you need an ice cream cone or something.

[jerbear]

This is off topic, but... I had assumed your family was white collar, pro-education all the way. Your views have never seemed sterotypical white collar to me, but I assumed it was because of other reasons. You've really had to push to get where you're at, haven't you?

 

I have been the outcast of the family in many aspects, views, education, and even tastes. (I pursue older caucasian women over younger chinese women) So I throw alot of their views, culture, and ideals out the windows.

 

My culture is pro-education, family more traditional status-quo, frugal, and blue collar. Parents are laborers and clerks while I have the cushy office job. Grandparnets from both sides of the family enforced a status quo and disliked the idea of being exceededing them. Always said I shouldn't be all calculating and just go with the flow. They just have no idea that it takes education and a good career to get a better secure life. I understand that I maybe 31 and single, while I'm single I better climb that ladder before a family shows up.

 

I had to push and make my own path because I want my kids to have what I didn't have. My parents were unable to answer my homework questions or help me and yet they compare me with other chinese students. These other students all went to top 10 colleges and their parents are professionals like doctors, lawyers, and business. I was the odd ball with lowered grades and want to enter politics but was still competing with them in the same class. After awhile I saw my parents are good as they are but I have exceeded them and outgrew them.

 

I can see some things your BF is doing that relates to what my parents did to me about jokes, put downs, criticals instead of any compliments. Even in arguments, they bring up issues like spending money on education and not seeing anything that benefits the family (as in them) Even things like not cutting the grass when I have time came up when I lived at home when in college. My views were I have better things to do than to cut grass during exams, like study? Oh well...

[nicki]

Walk, I've always been so impressed by the wisdom and compassion I see in your posts. You are an intelligent, thoughtful woman.

 

I am sure that you are an amazing girlfriend who is always supportive of her man.

 

Whatever stresses your boyfriend has shouldn't make him act like a jerk to you. If it were you feeling stressed, I bet you would talk to him, make him understand what you need.

 

I don't know why he wants you to feel bad about yourself. Jealousy? His little jokes are passive agressive verbal abuse....his intent is to level your power. If he was truly kidding around in funny and loving way, you would feel adorable, not berated.

 

I was married to a guy who sounds like your boyfriend. Whenever I was happy or doing well, he would try to take me down a peg or two. He wouldn't spend time with my family....My goodness, does your boyfriend realize that you called the restaurant to make sure they had food he liked?

 

My ex also blamed me for all his stress. Said I added to it, or even caused it. What a bunch of bull. Once I learned that I was hiding my own light to make his life easier, I had to leave.

 

I'm not saying to leave. I don't know your situation with him. I do know that you sound like a lovely, healthy person who deserves an equally nurturing boyfriend.

[Walk]

I was trying to think of a different way to get my point across to him about his "jokes", but sometimes I'm not clear why if he says one thing it won't bother me at all, but another time it stings like crazy. Maybe it's subject matter, not sure.

 

Yesterday I put everything hypothetical. Decided there would be less defensiveness if I took him completely out of the picture and inserted "friend" instead. Actually seemed to work to a degree.

 

Told him I was really tired of inviting my friends places and having them whine and complain the entire time, or make stupid cracks about stuff I had wanted to share with them. etc. etc.

 

We went to dinner with my family and he was great. He even thanked me afterward for inviting him and said he had a good time.

 

This is what confuses me about this guy. He does hear me, and he does want to make me happy, but it seems like he's so concerned about proving he's not a bad guy that he doesn't really listen to what I'm saying. When I'm able to pull him out of that mindset, then no problem, anything I desire. The more I fight him though... I might as well forget it at that point.

 

We're in a bad situation until I finish college. I'm stressed, he's stressed, and we can't even afford to rent a stupid movie for the evening to relax and unwind.