Becoming Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Yes, I'm talking about real things, not clipping toenails. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but your xgf sounds like a bitch, diver! And I meant in significant LTR, not dating, which is what 4 mths means to me. Yeah, women are sometimes a pain to listen to, which is why I often find men more interesting to talk to. But women have this whole other subterranean level going on at an emotional level that most men aren't trained to be aware of like women are. Or maybe it's just our hormonal differences. Or both. It's rarely just about backs and nails for women; it's what they represent. And sometimes you have to ask them what's really going on to cause them to complain so much about such trivia. Sorry, KM. Didn't mean to hijack. Rant on!
Author KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Contrary to the rumoured properties of oodles, nothing can change the past. Are you even TRYING to take your mind off things??!! No, all I do is sit at think about him. OF FREAKIN COURSE I'M TRYING TO TAKE MY MIND OFF OF THINGS!!!!!!!! But when friends, hobbies, shopping, working out, movies, reading, writing, more shopping, cleaning, joining new clubs, and THERAPY still can't take my mind off of things, I don't know what else to do. Hell, I just spent 3 hours repairing old NES game systems. And tried to play a very confusing new NES game I bought at the flea market today:confused: Do you think that power drill to the temple thing works, like in PI?
magichands Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 No, all I do is sit at think about him. That's what I thought. If you want a distraction, then think about spell checking your work. Just kidding. You sound like a geek!
In Sync Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 The idea of wanting an ex to validate the pain of our feelings is really just based in our egos. I mean once the ex has broken the relationship is it realistic for that ex to validate the pain...breakups are ugly. there's no amount of validating another's pain that's going to fix it. As much as I too wanted my ex to have realized acknowledged what I was going through after he ended it in a much more callous fashion...on hindsight...it would have been just meaningless words that came from his deepest sentiment? Validation of my pain from anyone who hurt me is pointless. It's really how we react to the pain and how we go about overcoming hurt and loss.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Ok im gonna bite the bullet here. I have to. What do you do if she says, your not listening to me? You are trying to. Men arent perfect. Im not perfect. I could go on for pages listing circumstances. Work was a nightmare, just bought a new house, ect... A lot of changes were going on in my life all at once. Not bad changes, good changes, but change isnt always easy either way. The complaints I was getting, though important, didnt seem relationship threatining. The really important ones I was working on, and thought I was doing ok, because those issues never came back up. Here are the list of complaints I got... I don’t drive right I don’t backup right I don’t stand right I don’t dress right I don’t listen right I don’t sweep my floors right I don’t cut my nails right I don’t sleep right I don’t clean my house right I don’t open doors for her right I don’t kiss right I don’t hold her hand right I didn’t pick the right resturaunt… I shouldnt fiddle with my Goatee I picked the wrong resturaunt ... theres more but those are the basic ones.. Now take into consideration that these complaints started coming in after about 4 months of dating. I heard nothing about anything about these things before. They started trickiling in... I could come up with my own list of complaints about her.... She fiddled with her hair to damn much.. (Still finding it after 2 months on my bathroom floor) She was to caught up in her appearance She complained to much (about everything) She drank to much She wanted to go out and get wasted at bars to much She never wanted to do anything I wanted to do... Go to a movie, spend time at home ect... She had to many rules She was rigid and uptight sometimes Shes to negative Shes to judgemental Most of these things I didnt mind. It was fun for a while actually. Bottom line, I think She wants some perfect reflection of herself, but only in a male form. Its like she places all these rules and regulations around herself, to keep people away on purpose. She claimed to offer me unconditional Love. Then I got a list of conditions I suddenly wasnt complying to. I think what went wrong, atleast in my situation goes a little deeper than I wasnt listening. Or maybe im just in denial When you say he wasnt validating your feelings, he wasnt listening, and this is a serious question and yes Im taking notes, are some of these things I have listed what you had im mind? Or are you talking about deeper feelings? This just sounds like plain old vanilla crazy. If she's drumming up this kinda stuff after just a few months, then you're better off. This kinda stuff is superficial. My ex had nasty feet, wicked breath after eating greek dressing, gave lousy back rubs, and really he wasn't that great of a kisser. But that stuff means little compared to his positive traits. When it comes to him paying attention and validating my feelings, guys can miss subtext, even obvious subtext very easily. You made an excellent point above. Sometimes things get nasty when you're having a bad day, or your car breaks down, or maybe you're just in a stressful period and its causing a lot of fights. TELL HER THIS. "I'm sorry I snapped at you, but X, X, and X is really pissing me off and I'm taking it out on you." Then get her flowers, or any little surprise, and she'll be a kitten again. You may have to repeat the process. Some guys tend to think they can say/do something once, and then pull it out as a trump card anytime. "Gee, but I brought you flowers X years ago!" Yeah, right. The best way, IMO, to deal with a woman's emotions is just to acknowledge them. Like, my ex saw nothing wrong with his friendhsip with the cvnt. There really was nothing WRONG with it, but after a time I really felt like I was in competition for his attention. Yea, this was my issue, but as my bf, he could have said 'I'm sorry you feel like that, that's not how I see our friendship, you're the best, etc" and then actually make tangible changes to how he treated her and me. In this case, as his gf, I caught the s*** from his stress (work, etc), but since she was just a friend she got all the sunny happy smiley stuff. Guys need to know: Just because something doesn't seem WRONG or you don't understand WHY its making her feel a certain way, it doesn't change the fact that that IS how she is feeling. And if you care you'll find a way to fix it, or at least meet her halfway on it. (Ex: "If it hurts you honey that I go out with the guys every night, I'll only go out every other night and one night a week is just you and me night.") Phew. Sorry for the tirade.
Diver012 Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Yes, I'm talking about real things, not clipping toenails. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but your xgf sounds like a bitch, diver! And I meant in significant LTR, not dating, which is what 4 mths means to me. Yeah, women are sometimes a pain to listen to, which is why I often find men more interesting to talk to. But women have this whole other subterranean level going on at an emotional level that most men aren't trained to be aware of like women are. Or maybe it's just our hormonal differences. Or both. It's rarely just about backs and nails for women; it's what they represent. And sometimes you have to ask them what's really going on to cause them to complain so much about such trivia. Sorry, KM. Didn't mean to hijack. Rant on! Thats not disrespectful. You just validated a few feelings for me. Thank you KM I didnt mean to hijack your thread. What your going through sounds a lot more painful than what Im going through. I wish there were words I could offer you to make you feel better. All I can say is were all not a**h***s. I promise. I dont know if this helps, but somewhere is a guy your looking for, looking for a girl like you.
In Sync Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 The idea of wanting an ex to validate the pain of our feelings is really just based in our egos. I mean once the ex has broken the relationship is it realistic for that ex to validate the pain...breakups are ugly. there's no amount of validating another's pain that's going to fix it. As much as I too wanted my ex to have realized acknowledged what I was going through after he ended it in a much more callous fashion...on hindsight...it would have been just meaningless words that came from his deepest sentiment? Puh-leease!Validation of my pain from anyone who hurt me is a myth. It's really how we react to the pain and how we go about overcoming hurt and loss.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 The idea of wanting an ex to validate the pain of our feelings is really just based in our egos. I mean once the ex has broken the relationship is it realistic for that ex to validate the pain...breakups are ugly. there's no amount of validating another's pain that's going to fix it. As much as I too wanted my ex to have realized acknowledged what I was going through after he ended it in a much more callous fashion...on hindsight...it would have been just meaningless words that came from his deepest sentiment? Validation of my pain from anyone who hurt me is pointless. It's really how we react to the pain and how we go about overcoming hurt and loss. True, but just because I know I have no chance of winning the lottery, it doesn't mean I don't WANT to hit it. And it doesn't change me going to work every day and earning my paycheck. Self-reliance can't be a vacuum. We exist in a group, it's only natural we'd want emotional validation from our group members, especially when they hurt us. I know no matter what I do, part of me will always want this validation, and I'm not going to try to pretend to myself or others that I don't, no matter how fruitless it might be.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Thats not disrespectful. You just validated a few feelings for me. Thank you KM I didnt mean to hijack your thread. What your going through sounds a lot more painful than what Im going through. I wish there were words I could offer you to make you feel better. All I can say is were all not a**h***s. I promise. I dont know if this helps, but somewhere is a guy your looking for, looking for a girl like you. Can't really call my ex an a**h***. I mean, I can, but its mostly emotional, rather than realistic. Does six months of bad behavior counter 6 years of goodness? Anyways, find "the right guy" seems so utterly stupid right now. Everyone keeps sling advice about finding that person "who won't leave you". The only time you ever know that person won't leave you is when he/she or you are on your deathbed, and they're still there. Sorry, feeling cynical tonigth.
In Sync Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 True, but just because I know I have no chance of winning the lottery, it doesn't mean I don't WANT to hit it. And it doesn't change me going to work every day and earning my paycheck. Self-reliance can't be a vacuum. We exist in a group, it's only natural we'd want emotional validation from our group members, especially when they hurt us. I know no matter what I do, part of me will always want this validation, and I'm not going to try to pretend to myself or others that I don't, no matter how fruitless it might be. I understand your viewpoint here but what I'm failing to express is yes we all want validation from those that hurt us, but this route makes us dependent on them and thereby it's more difficult to let go. The tougher path but emotional freeling is the route in which we let go of 'getting blood from a stone'..or the ex to acknowledge our pain. We are therefore not tied or dependent on them. The longer we hold on to that hope that they will apologize keeps us tied to them even as they move on. You needn't pretend to yourself but don't settle on that old adage that you must accept a fate that is least beneficial, just because the other option may appear more daunting.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 The longer we hold on to that hope that they will apologize keeps us tied to them even as they move on. Ok, i get what you're saying a bit more. I want an apology. I'm not hoping for one. In my case, despite being VERY specific about my feelings, he's continued to ignore them, even to the point of being unable to say "Your feelings are stupid, that's not what the sitch is." C'mon, INSULT my feelings at least. Jerk.
In Sync Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Ok, i get what you're saying a bit more. I want an apology. I'm not hoping for one. In my case, despite being VERY specific about my feelings, he's continued to ignore them, even to the point of being unable to say "Your feelings are stupid, that's not what the sitch is." C'mon, INSULT my feelings at least. Jerk. And being tied to this want of an apology keeps you in a state of being connected to him...and not moving forward. Aside from that it'll make you feel bitter and angry. Since this guy has chosen to ignore your feelings your want of an apology from actually makes him more important. It places him on a pedastal and it signifies in your mind that your life is not more important as a result. The one thing that creepy ex of mine conveyed to me (during the time I thought he was the be all to my world) was when you ignore somebody it drives the person being ignored nuts. To him this was a power tactic. So if your ex ignored your feelings..walk away from this...and let it go. Otherwise you will eat yourself up with resentment towards him.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 And being tied to this want of an apology keeps you in a state of being connected to him...and not moving forward. Aside from that it'll make you feel bitter and angry. Since this guy has chosen to ignore your feelings your want of an apology from actually makes him more important. It places him on a pedastal and it signifies in your mind that your life is not more important as a result. The one thing that creepy ex of mine conveyed to me (during the time I thought he was the be all to my world) was when you ignore somebody it drives the person being ignored nuts. To him this was a power tactic. So if your ex ignored your feelings..walk away from this...and let it go. Otherwise you will eat yourself up with resentment towards him. I've never once been able to explain, reason, or ignore my way out of wanting something or feeling something. It only creates more wanting by pretending I'm ignoring it, or pretending that I'm not pretending I'm ignoring it. The only thing that's ever worked is experiencing a feeling until I simply burn it out. And here I am.
AriaIncognito Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 I've never once been able to explain, reason, or ignore my way out of wanting something or feeling something. It only creates more wanting by pretending I'm ignoring it, or pretending that I'm not pretending I'm ignoring it. The only thing that's ever worked is experiencing a feeling until I simply burn it out. And here I am. I understand that 100%. I'm the same way. I know the logic behind it all. I know what i NEED to do. However, it seems the only thing i'm able to do, is feel it, until I no longer feel i need to feel it. It just seems to be what my "natural process" is for letting go. I need to have hope for a while and be sad for a while and feel hopeless for a while, etc. And it sucks. But seemingly, trying to skip through that stuff, doesn't work for me either. Try to be strong KM, many of us are in the same boat, unfortunately... Jennifer
Becoming Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Yes, I understand this feeling, too. I have to feel the feelings until I'm just tire of it and they fade and I'm done. Words better in the long run than trying to pretend all is well only to have the stuffed feelings multiply in the dark and come back to bite me on the patuski later. You'll be done when you're done, KM. So just keep on feeling. It's only when we get stuck in the feelings and can't get out so that they are controlling us that we need some help.
AriaIncognito Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 So, how is it that KM, or myself, will know when we are "stuck" in these feelings, versus just having them temporarily, I wonder.... Jennifer
Becoming Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Excellent question. When the feelings are so intense that it seems the feelings have you rather than you having them. When we can't do life after a normal grieving time (varies according to loss), we need help processing the feelings in more productive ways and learning some things that we may not know. That's what therapy does. Or should. That's my take on it (from experience, I'm afraid. )
Author KittenMoon Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 I'm tired of having emotions. I just want to shut them off. (I should get my ex to teach me how he does it ) It pisses me off that no matter how apocalyptic I feel, the stupid world continues around me. Still have to go to work still have to hang with friends, still have to eat and sleep etc. I just want to tell it all to f*** off. I feel like I haven't had any fun at all since the break-up. I've merely been temporarily distracted from it. I keep telling my therapist: "Nothing feels fun anymore." And she gives me this sensitive and concilatory "And that's not a way you want to live." Yeah. Thanks for the insight.
Guest Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 "Even people who try and fight this magnetic soulmate love desire for each other, will find their efforts to block themselves futile and will eventually be together. As soulmates will never find "peace of mind" and true purposeful fulfillment of their souls until they are together, both physically and spiritually together. True soulmates always need and lovingly enjoy being together all the time. The reason for this inexplicable magnetic attraction between soulmates is that their Guardian Angels are guiding them and bringing energy to both people simultaneously, in order to "force", guide and bring this soulmate couple together. Ofcourse selfish ego, stubborness and freewill choice can block this, but eventually "soulmates" always come together. Each persons Guardian Angels will ensure this happens, however illogical ! Sometimes there are difficulties whilst "soulmates" are trying to come together, through blockages of other peoples negative thoughts that envelope a person to be blocked, the reason is that the union of "soulmates" is VERY POWERFUL and many people are jealous, hateful and spiteful with envy that one has developed spiritually with a wonderful soulmate union of love, even destructive and controlling "well meaning" parents can be jealous and create negative blockages! When a person finally meets their soulmate, they will both be in a transition period of inner change, until they come together as one in physical sexual love. This is because both have been living a "half life" without their soulmate and adapted to a dysfunctional life whilst living alone. Therefore, some changes will be necessary." Good luck KM
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