breakfastinamerica Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Hello everyone. I just found this site and I thought I'd put up one of my problems to possibly get some advice on. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a little over a year. Everything was great at first, but lately things have gone downhill. We fight almost everyday and I don't even usually know why, we both love eachother dearly and I know that because I feel so in love with him and he tells me he loves me aswell. But we just don't seem to get along. I don't agree with some of the things he does, but we just can't seem to stop fighting. I think it might have something to do with my temper, but when I'm around him I just lose my temper easier. I love him to death and I don't want to poison this relationship more than I already have. I have no idea why I act the way I do around him, he is the sweetest thing. He annoys me sometimes for no reason. I don't know, I guess I'm just rambling, but I don't know if it is even worth going on in the relationship because I'm just an idiot and won't stop being a bitch. Maybe we weren't meant to be together like we always thought... but it seems like he's the only one for me.
magichands Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Can you please give us some of the subjects you're discussing when you're having an argument? You do seem to be criticising your own temperament quite a bit. What makes you think any of these issues would magically dissolve in another relationship, eh? And no, I'm not trying to get you into an argument. Just answer the question.
Author breakfastinamerica Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 I don't know if they would magically dissolve in another relationship, I just seem to never get angry around anybody else except him. I have friends who are guys and I never get mad at them, it's just sometihng about him that really puts me on edge. When we argue it's usually about little things that we shouldn't be arguing about at all. For example...I'll say a little joke about him or something and he'll say something completely mean back to me and then that starts the argument. He also gets mad when I go out with friends and such, I don't think he's controlling, but maybe he is. He tells me that I can't go out with friends because I'm too hot to be out somewhere without him. He also tries to make me jealous by talking about his ex-girlfriends. I don't get jealous that easily so it doesn't really bother me, it just makes me mad that he attempts to make me jealous. He calls me a bitch too, even when I'm not being a bitch. All girls can have their bitchy moments, but the fact that he says it to me just makes me even more mad. So yeah... I don't know if that answered your question but whatever
magichands Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 So... let's see. He can't take criticism. He doesn't trust you. And he likes to reminisce about previous relationships. Do you feel respected?
Author breakfastinamerica Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Well I don't know if I feel respected. Sometimes he is the sweetest, most caring guy. He doesn't hit me or anything, he just sometimes has little angry spells and swears ( a lot ) at me. I guess it kinda hurts me. Sometimes I just feel like giving up with him, but for some reason I can't let myself do it. Whenever I try to talk to him about how maybe our relationship isn't working, he gives me the hugest guilt trips and starts bawling and telling me he loves me and he's going to change and pulls me close to him and basically won't let me leave until I agree that I'm going to stay with him. Usually I just feel really bad and just tell him that I was just mad and didn't actually want to break up with him. But sometimes I wish I could just get the courage to do it, but I'm not sure if I'd regret it or not.
Outcast Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 He sounds like an abuser in the making. The bawling etc is a good clue. That's what abusers always do after they beat people up. If you aren't being treated well, you aren't loved. Period.
magichands Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Whenever I try to talk to him about how maybe our relationship isn't working, he gives me the hugest guilt trips and starts bawling and telling me he loves me and he's going to change and pulls me close to him and basically won't let me leave until I agree that I'm going to stay with him. That's okay then. I was a bit worried that he might have been into emotional blackmail. He seems to be handling things constructively. So what's the deal here - does the good outweigh the bad? Do you really think he is going to change? Have you seen any evidence at all that he's sincere? Sorry - that's three questions in a row.
BatteredByLove Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Wow.... you sound EXACTLY like my ex.... I swear a lot, but I've stopped and I haven't sworn at her, communication, trust, and honesty is the vital source for a healthy relationship... talk to him about your problems, sit him down and have like a 2 hour conversation, he'll understand...
Author breakfastinamerica Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 That's okay then. I was a bit worried that he might have been into emotional blackmail. He seems to be handling things constructively. So what's the deal here - does the good outweigh the bad? Do you really think he is going to change? Have you seen any evidence at all that he's sincere? Sorry - that's three questions in a row. I am starting to think that the bad outweighs the good. He is sometimes really immature about this situation, everyday is different with him. Once he gets in a bad mood he stays that way for the whole day and it ruins my whole day. He never wants to do anything, and now that I think about it I'm actually quite f'in fed up with it. I think that he is much more into the relationship than I am, and I feel kind of guilty for going on with it if my heart's not really in it. I don't want to hurt him because he does have a very caring heart, I guess he just knows how to push my buttons. It seems like sometimes he does the things that he KNOWS I hate just to see me get mad. He is sincere in the way that whenever he fights with me he always apologizes - even if it is three days later. I want it to work because I know that if he really tried he could be a great boyfriend, but I don't know if I should have to wait any longer or if I should just go and find someone else who doesn't act like he does.
magichands Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 So... if he cured his moodiness, then you would be a lot happier with your relationship? He's probably not going to change. Anyway, if you're serious about wanting it to work between you, then think of just one thing - one tangible thing - he can work on, for you. And then you can try and help him with it.
riobikini Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 He sounds as if he already knows the ropes pretty well: he's a manipulator. He's searching for control, and it sounds like he's off to a great start with all the success he's acheived in learning which of your buttons to push to get a reaction and land him right at the helm. People who spend much time learning and practicing the psychological aspects of emotional manipulation to gain control or superiority over another in a relationship (especially a romantic one) seem to often turn out being overly childish, extremely irrational with a pronounced element of cruelty when angry, particularly selfish, and secretly very insecure. For example, they seem to be prone to angry outbursts, or pouting when they don't get their way or their manipulative behavior is discovered and confronted. Not being in control makes them 'uncomfortable', -and scared, and you should keep in mind that calculating, manipulative acts of vengeful (and sometimes strange or ridiculous) behavior is not out of the question to put them back in a position where they can feel as if they have retaken 'control'. Then add the more troublesome jealousy that just seems to confirm the presence of the insecurities they believe they are hiding so well. Your boyfriend will certainly *never* be happy with your independence, nor your easygoing casual approach to other friendships, either; this a freedom of yours which (he likely feels) challenges and minimizes his authority and importance in his relationship with you. And that will never change until *he* changes it. I think that -although people like your boyfriend may initiate and form many relationships- when they continue in this way, no meaningful, lasting, nor mature romantic relationship has a reasonable chance of developing until they change their behavior. Usually, if you take a closer look at the history of their past romantic relationships, you'll find a pattern of failures and problems strikingly similar to the circumstances of the present relationship you are in with him/her. Avoid the headache and the heartache of those problems and patterns by avoiding a relationship with someone who refuses to 'fess up to his/her need to change his behavior, -and actually do something about it. Hope this helps. Take care. -Rio
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