Author Kizzmitten Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 He said he'd been thinking all day about why he'd lied to me but he hadn't come to any complete conclusion other than he'd simply "assumed" i'd freak out at the situation - for which he apologised. He did go on to tell me some of the awful things his psychotic ex had subjected him to, things he had never told me in the past, he seemed genuinely distressed by this. We talked about my reaction to the other times when he'd told me he planned on visiting with this particular friend and it was almost as if a light had suddenly come on, he looked me in the eye and said "but you didn't freak out" - like he had just that minute realised it. I am not a quitter, this man is a GOOD man and i know deep down that he loves me, he just has some major issues to overcome! He is worth the effort though. The "code word" idea is fantastic, i might suggest it to him.
tinktronik Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 He said he'd been thinking all day about why he'd lied to me but he hadn't come to any complete conclusion other than he'd simply "assumed" i'd freak out at the situation - for which he apologised. He did go on to tell me some of the awful things his psychotic ex had subjected him to, things he had never told me in the past, he seemed genuinely distressed by this. We talked about my reaction to the other times when he'd told me he planned on visiting with this particular friend and it was almost as if a light had suddenly come on, he looked me in the eye and said "but you didn't freak out" - like he had just that minute realised it. I am not a quitter, this man is a GOOD man and i know deep down that he loves me, he just has some major issues to overcome! He is worth the effort though. The "code word" idea is fantastic, i might suggest it to him.You having to atone for what his ex's did in relationships years ago is B* .Hes making a big fat excuse either that or your guy has a major issue.
Author Kizzmitten Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 MarnieGirl - That mentality might be applicable to some but it certainly isn't applicable to all. We should never tar everyone with the same brush. Not everyone is bad or devious, some people have morals and standards - even some men!
MarnieGirl Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 MarnieGirl - That mentality might be applicable to some but it certainly isn't applicable to all. We should never tar everyone with the same brush. Not everyone is bad or devious, some people have morals and standards - even some men! absolutely. and even fewer let their significant others have slumber parties with their exes. they are all kinds out there, so you never know.
Author Kizzmitten Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 tinktronik - Have you ever been badly, badly hurt in a relationship? I'm not talking broken hearts, i'm talking totally psychologically f***ed up? I endured almost 20 years in the most awful mental, physical and sexually abusive, manipulative and controlling relationship you could ever possibly imagine - but with the help of understanding and positive support i came to terms with it. Believe me, these things take time and effort to overcome. Fortunately for the victims of these relationships, some people are kind, patient and understanding.
gabelee Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 There have been cases where I have told a "white lie" to a partner because I did not want to reveal something that would make him (and myself) uncomfortable. For example, "I don't mind we can't spend the holiday together because I know from your mother that your grandma had a heart attack last night. I've got a lot of studying to do, anyway.Really, it's fine." And then, the day after the holiday, I got a surprise visit from him with card, candy, gift and most of all his UNDYING LOVE. Yeah, a lie's a lie, but it's somehow OK when it comes out of love for each other. And there's not a doubt lurking anywhere. On the other hand, if my BF said he was going to be in for the night and then went toodling off to an ex's house (where, yeah, I told him a few times he could go right on ahead and sleep if he wants-- if I really ever did say that --) I would not be feeling well at all. I would see it and him as a BIG RED LIGHT. The question is, are your rose-colored glasses keeping you from seeing his true colors?
nicki Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Hey, it is great that you are thinking this thing through and considering all the angles. Just wanted to say that I was also in a very abusive marriage for many years. After my divorce, I had a hard time learning to draw appropriate boundaries. I gave people too many chances to change, gave too many the benefit of the doubt when they didn't deserve it. I say go ahead: trust, but then validate. I don't mean to advocate spying. I call it "checking up on him once or twice to make sure he is telling you the truth." Then once he is trustworthy again, no need to check up on him....It's just that I've learned the hard way: cheaters don't usually admit it. I'm not saying he is cheating. But I think you are worried that he could be. Or at least that is one consideration. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, go ahead....that's your choice...I just hope you won't have to keep doing that with him. Remember, anger can be a signal that something needs to change. At the very least, you can figure out what you want to change....good luck:)
lonelybird Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 maybe I am far from giving advise here, but after read your post, this is what I think: did he manipulate your feeling by saying you are not like his ex-girlfriend easily freak out when you have reason to feel uncomfortable? if you feel totally ok with his visiting his female friend, then why you post it here about his lying. all people lie from time to time, why you pick up this one? I mean deep down your heart, you feel something isn't right you made LOTS of efforts and hope he would pay back. IF he cannot pay back, would you be devasted? if so, then you maybe made too many efforts out of your comfort zone could it be possible, HE MADE his ex-girlfriend a phyco (didn't mean his exg didn't have problems)? all people have bright sides and dark sides, certain people just can pull bright sides or dark sides from us but maybe I am wrong
tinktronik Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 tinktronik - Have you ever been badly, badly hurt in a relationship? I'm not talking broken hearts, i'm talking totally psychologically f***ed up? I endured almost 20 years in the most awful mental, physical and sexually abusive, manipulative and controlling relationship you could ever possibly imagine - but with the help of understanding and positive support i came to terms with it. Believe me, these things take time and effort to overcome. Fortunately for the victims of these relationships, some people are kind, patient and understanding. MMM , I would say YES I def. have been in Psychologically damaging relationships.I do know that Its a long hard road , but to paint everyone that way ( and not all the time . but only claim it after you've been caught lying) , sounds a lot like doodey to me . Open your eyes and stop letting some guy keep the wool over them on the claim that he's been damaged or hurt , thats one of the biggest excuses in the book-lots of men know and use that trick as a manipulation tool.
mika Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 if he is all of a sudden lieing to you then i think he is up to no good. if you have never freaked out about the chic before, then why would he think you would freak out now? cause he has a quilty conscience. that's the truth. you said you just know he's not cheating. you want to know he's not cheating. but if he's lieing then why wouldn't he cheat? cheating is lieing.
mika Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 if he is so scared of commitment than how has your relationship lasted for two years. that sounds pretty committed. also i'm wondering what it is you want? are you wanting someone to eventually spend your life with or just someone to be with for right now. cause two years is a long time if nothing is going to come out of it. i don't mean to be too personal or rude. i spent 4 years with a guy and nothing came out of it except for my beautiful son but those years are gone never to get back and i just think i may have missed the right one while i wasted time with him and he didn't want what i wanted. something to think about.
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