Why would he lie to me?

[Kizzmitten]

My so-called perfect relationship just took a massive nose-dive - he lied to me bigtime and i don't understand why.

 

We've been together almost 2 years and it's all been pretty good, we rarely have any disagreements and never argue, if we have issues then we talk and resolve them. He treats me with respect, he demonstrates his feelings towards me and his actions show he really cares about me.

 

Until last week.

 

He has a female friend who lives a 3 hour drive away, he has known her and her entire family for around 15 years - parents, aunts & uncles, nieces & nephews etc, they all originate from the same area of the country. They go back a long way. He has always been honest about her existence and he told me very early on that he'd had a brief relationship with her some 5 or 6 years ago, it lasted less than a year and they realised that they had more in common as friends than lovers, but that they still keep in touch, mostly by e.mail and phone and they get together in person maybe once a month or so. I fully accept this and i will not stop my boyfriend seeing his friends, be they male, female or ex's.

 

I have never had any problem whatsoever with him keeping in touch with this girl, i have no problem with him going to see her and i have no problem with him staying over at her place when he does visit her, as i said, she lives a 3 hour drive away. She knows about me and she knows i am his girlfriend. I do not mistrust him and i have no gut feeling or inclination to feel that they still have feelings for each other that go beyond friendship.

 

He has always told me when he plans on visiting her or if she has invited him over, he has always asked if i mind and i have always said no, i don't mind. He calls me from her place when he's there and i have never freaked out on him about it or interrogated him about it afterwards.

 

Now go back 2 weeks.

 

We had a conversation about "us". I'd noticed that he has a tendency to back off when i get too close and i raised this with him. He admitted this was true and told me that he'd been very badly hurt in the past by some psycho ex-girlfriend who freaked out on him over everything he did, she virtually stalked him and questioned his every move. He told me he had a massive fear of commitment. I accepted and understood this and made a conscious decision not to push him but to allow things to progress at his pace.

 

Then one day last week he called me mid-evening as he does every day, we chatted as usual and he told me he was chilling out at home for the night and that he would come to see me the next day. No problem. Shortly after we hung up, i remembered he had something of mine that i needed returning so i called him back to ask him to bring it over. His house phone went unanswered and his cell was switched off, i thought maybe he'd popped to the store or he was in the tub so i waited half hour and tried again - same result. I tried again and again to contact him, every half hour with the same result, house phone unanswered and cell switched off until 10.30pm when he finally answered his cell. At this point i had realised he was not at home as he had told me earlier, and all i said was "you're not at home, thanks for your honesty", i didn't freak out on him or accuse him of anything.

 

Shortly after, he text messaged me and said he was with the previously mentioned female friend, that she had contacted him and wanted to talk about a problem she had and that he'd not told me because he didn't want me to freak out and think he was up to no good.

 

WTF???

 

I know he's not cheating on me with her or anyone else for that matter, don't ask me how, i just know it. I trust him 100%. I wasn't upset about him visiting with her, i was upset that he lied to me about it.

 

Why suddenly string me a pack of lies when he knows i've never freaked out on him before over him visiting with this girl??

[Saria]

Maybe he's guilty about something he's done and he's not as trustworthy as you think...

[westernxer]

Why suddenly string me a pack of lies when he knows i've never freaked out on him before over him visiting with this girl??

 

Uh, because he's cheating on you.

[Outcast]

You don't hide things that there's no reason to be ashamed of.

[Kizzmitten]

What, not even if you're worried about the reaction your SO might have to the truth, based on past experience from ex's??

 

I, myself would rarely give my ex husband the truth as to where i was or who i was with because he got violent and accusing, even though my actions were genuinely totally innocent.

 

Am i being naive in believing that my current boyfriend is simply protecting himself from the possible reactions he has received from his ex's in the past??

[Outcast]

IMHO, it's one thing for people to have friends and quite another to maintain a friendship with a former flame which includes plenty of alone time with her including visits to her city and stays in her home. I'm not buying the 'friends only' bit at all.

[gfto]

i have no problem with him staying over at her place when he does visit her

 

??!!

 

I know he's not cheating on me with her or anyone else for that matter, don't ask me how, i just know it. I trust him 100%.

 

hmmmmm........

[Kizzmitten]

The thing is, it IS possible to have a friendship that becomes a relationship and then returns to JUST a friendship. I know, because i have done it myself. I had a 10 year friendship with a guy that turned into a year-and-a-half-long relationship and then returned to a friendship when we realised we weren't compatible as lovers but liked each other as friends. We still keep in contact and see each other, but only as friends.

 

I genuinely do not think or have any gut feeling that he is cheating with her. I guess i am just curious as to why he would think i would freak at the truth after he'd admitted being scared of commitment when i haven't freaked out on him in the past, although previous girlfriends have done.

[Walk]

I'm having a hard time believing that after 2 years of you being fine with him visiting his friend and even staying the night, that he's suddenly going to think you'll freak out if his friend had a problem and he went to go help her with it.

 

Unless you can pinpoint something you may have done to cause him to feel you were going to suddenly turn into a psycho gf ....

 

Why don't you ask him why he would believe after 2 years of consistent behavior that you would suddenly act differently?

 

If he's acting like he's hiding something, and he has no reason to believe that "you" (not his ex, but you) would throw histronics over this, then start looking a little closer at what may be going on under your nose. Maybe you've spent too long trying to convince yourself that your fine with his female friend, that you wouldn't see the signs if he was sleeping with her?

 

Have you ever gone to visit his friend with him? Stayed the night over there? Hung out with the both of them for the evening? How often does he invite you to go with him? Or to hang out with the both of them?

[Kizzmitten]

Yes, i did something a couple weeks ago that totally psyched him out - i told him i loved him and asked if he wanted to come to live with me.

 

Not the best of things to say to a self-confessed commitmentphobe!

[Walk]

I don't mean to be harsh.... but you've been dating him for 2 years. How much do you really know about this guy? Other than his self-confessed commitment phobia. It seems absurd to me that he would resort to hiding and lying because you said you were in love with him and wanted to live with him after TWO years of dating. I believe you when you say you go out of your way to assure him that he's not going to be controlled etc. You've been trying to reassure him for 2 years. If he can't get it by now... he's not going to "get it".

 

I have a problem believing that you haven't done a good job proving that you are different. That you aren't his ex. Which, he shouldn't be seeing you in the same light as his ex anyway. If he wanted a new relationship, then he should've taken the time to disassociate his mentality from the previous relationship. Grown up. Every one has baggage, but we attempt to overcome it, not sub-come to it.

 

Why are you convinced that nothing is going on with this other woman? Because he tells you he's going there? Or because he invites you and is open and talks about this girl and what they did together while together? I'm asking because in my experience... if I guy is that fearful of commitment it's because he's still holding out for something else to come along. And maybe his lack of commitment stems from this woman.

 

And most importantly, would you be happy being in a relationship with this man for the next 20 years without ever living together or marrying? That any time you ever said you loved him he freaked out and started lying to you about things? Even the mention of moving in together would make him lie, and be deceitful? He couldn't even discuss it with you? Is that the type of relationship you want, or are you trying so hard in order to prove to yourself that you are what he really wants?

[justpassingthrough]

In my ever-so-humble opinion, people lie because they're scared to tell the truth.

 

Granted, there are people who only tell the truth when they can't think of a life fast enough. They would be compulsive liars.

 

If this fella isn't a compulsive liar....

[Kizzmitten]

He's not a compulsive liar, in the two years we've been together there's never been any other occasion when i've suspected he wasn't telling me the truth or that what he's told me didn't add up or make sense. He's not even a very good liar because i figured out he was lying within an hour and when i asked him about it he came clean instantly, he didn't attempt to tell more lies to get away with it.

 

I appreciate he shouldn't be thinking i'd behave like his ex but we're not talking about some ditzy chick who was just a little high maintenance from time to time, we're talking about a major psychopath who did a lot of emotional damage to him - he's actually in therapy right now because of her.

 

Am i to believe that the one and only single reason he lied is that he's cheating with this friend? Could there be no other possible explanation whatsoever?

[justpassingthrough]

I suggest you re-read your post, but read it as if it was someone else who wrote it.

 

Then step back and think about it and you will likely have a point of view.

[nicki]

I agree with what everyone is saying. Listen to their wisdom.

 

I think you may have been trying so hard to be easy going that you have settled for less than what most women ask for. I think he knows this, and manipulates you with your desire to be "different from his ex."

 

You are the wounded party here, not him.

 

I don't know one woman who would be okay with their boyfriend staying over at an ex's on a regular basis, and spending so much time on energy on her -- while not giving you very much.

 

Two years? You guys should be saying I love you all the time, and discussing a future.

 

How about backing off, chilling out, saying nothing. Then spy on him. Go over to her house, his house, etc....sounds like you might need proof of what might be going on.

 

Your mistake has been that you haven't asked for more from him. I suspect that you know he won't give it to. You deserve better. From where I sit, it looks like he is up to no good. And that right there is enough reason for you to be upset.

[nicki]

Oh, and don't let him turn this around on you. If he tells you that he lied because he was afraid, that's a load of crap.

 

You have gone too far the other way. He would have no reason to lie. But he did.

[Walk]

I've tried to think of every conceivable reason he would lie about not being home when he called you. You've already stated that he didn't want you to know he was at this other woman's house. So why do people lie about visiting friends?

 

a.) They know their SO doesn't like the friend.

b.) They feel guilty about their actions.

c.) They believe there will be consequences to their actions.

d.) His intentions were not honorable.

 

Uttering the word love doesn't normally lead to lying and hiding their friends from their gf. Unless it's being said too early in the relationship, but you've been together for 2 years.

 

Have you asked him why he would freak out so much about the words love? Does he believe only psycho's say I love you? Or had he actually never considered in the past 2 years that you may be feeling that way? Has he apologized for lying about this? Or attempted to make amends in anyway? Maybe invited you out to visit with them next time?

 

I'm still not buying the commitment phobe thing. I think he's got two gf's who are both being played, hard. Unless you can tell me you and her hang out or talk on occasion, then you probably aren't going to change my mind on this.

[Kizzmitten]

My original post has been very misunderstood.

 

He does not spend a lot of time and energy on her and none on me. He spends on average 3 - 4 NIGHTS a WEEK at my house, including every weekend, and on average 2 - 3 HOURS a MONTH at hers. She lives in the same area as his family and he visits with her when he visits with his family. He drives to see his family about once a month after work (his work is mid-way between his home and his parents) then visits with her later in the evening for a couple hours. He occasionally stays over at her place if he has had a beer, but most times he stays with his family then drives to work from there in the morning.

 

Why shouldn't he remain friends with his ex? An ex is an ex for a reason - the two weren't compatible as a couple. But that doesn't mean to say that two people cease to have anything in common as friends. In my opinion, people who have such major hang-ups about ex's are terribly insecure.

 

As for suggesting i spy on him, i'm afraid you are WAY out of order. I would never lower myself to such disgraceful behaviour.

[Walk]

I wasn't clear on that. I should've asked more questions. But your post said he drove 3 hours to go see her once a month and sometimes spent the night. Not that he went to see his family, and then stopped by her place while he was in town to see the family. That is different.

 

Have you asked him again why he lied to you? If it's still bothering you maybe he could clarify why he felt he had to lie at the time. Explain that you aren't upset about the friend, only the lying, and you want to understand the situation so that the two of you could avoid it in the future. Explain it as in, you want him to feel comfortable telling you what's going on, but you aren't sure why he didn't feel comfortable at the time...

 

Although, now he's made it so you won't feel comfortable coming to him with your feelings now. He's kind of cut off the free flow of communication by becoming irrational when you expressed your feelings.

[Kizzmitten]

Walk -

 

The answer he gave me is © - he assumed he would get an adverse reaction.

 

His exact words were "I'm not used to being able to be honest about things like this without it all turning nasty, i guess i'm still thinking all relationships end up like the ones i've had in the past"

 

Yes, he did apologise - immediately. He came to see me the next day and was in tears, i've rarely seen him cry.

[Outcast]

He occasionally stays over at her place if he has had a beer

 

Riiiiight.

 

You've asked why this guy would lie. We've told you. You are intent on believing he's a saint, so why ask?

[Walk]

You believe him and you know nothing has been going on... are you more upset because you felt like your effort had been thrown out the window? To me, it sounds as if you've been bending over backward to reassure him. So I could see how it would seem as though he didn't appreciate your effort and good nature.

 

Or are you still bothered that he will lie to you in the future?

 

Can you explain a little more fully what is bothering you? I think most people could come to over look this, especially if he truly seemed remorseful and contrite. But you still seem bothered by this. Does it bother you because you expressed your feelings and this happened? Or that you fear it will happen again? Or that he'll lie more often? Maybe if you explained your feelings a little better it might help you sort through what is exactly bothering you, and if you could pinpoint it, you might be able to fix it.

[Kizzmitten]

Walk -

 

You've hit the nail on the head - i feel hurt and upset that i have made a massive effort to try and prove to him that i am NOT like his ex's, that i am NOT going to freak out over normal, healthy activities/friendships/whatever.

 

Yet just when i thought i was getting through to him, just when i thought my efforts were reaping rewards (i.e his trust in ME) he goes and freaks out on me and pulls a stupid stunt like this.

 

I wasn't upset that he was visiting with her, i was upset because he lied to me about it. And yes, i did tell him this.

 

Two steps forward and one step backward.

 

So frustrating.

[Walk]

Other than apologizing, what did he say about this? Regarding making you feel like he'd thrown away your time and effort? Or did he understand that part?

 

Did he give any indication of working (harder) to overcome this? Maybe there's something he could do that would reaffirm to you that he is working just as hard to beat this fear, as you are. Like next time he freaks out, that he'll come talk to you first about it. Communicate that he's regressed, and will need more patience from you... Not sure what would work in your situation. Maybe you could see some ways he could comprimise with you in dealing with these problems. Instead of hiding from them and then apologizing.

 

Or give him a code word, or all he has to say is he's uncomfortable. And that's your signal that he feels he might not handle things well. Some attempt at communciation with you to let you know what is going on without lying to you about it.

 

If he's serious about your relationship, then he should be willing to find a solution for dealing with a situation like this in the future. Otherwise you'll have a repeat every time it occurs. Plus you will start to feel resentful if you have to stifle expressing your feelings because he'll react negatively to them. Maybe the two of you could talk to his counselor to help get ideas on how you could express yourself so he doesnt' get so scared, and how he can ask for your help with out freaking out about it.

[MarnieGirl]

 

An ex is an ex for a reason - the two weren't compatible as a couple. But that doesn't mean to say that two people cease to have anything in common as friends.

 

and it also doesn't mean that they won't do the hibbity-dibbity either, my friend.