Trying To Cope

[ig6586]

After 23 years of marriage, owning and operating my own successful business for 12 of those 23 years and enjoying the reputation of being one of those "special" people, 2 years ago I began having an affair with my attorney.

 

Not sure how it happened. We had known each other for 2 years before that, had lunch once every month or so, but it just never crossed my mind. Not with him, or anyone for that matter.

 

My Husband is a real jerk, but I had worked so hard to keep the marriage in tact. He had started drinking A LOT and I've often wondered how much this had to do with my decision to become involved with someone else. I think I needed the emotional connection more than anything else, but it was clear from the beginning that the physical chemsitry was strong and passionate.

 

Clearly, there was much lacking in his marriage as well. About a month ago, his wife found us out. It was clear from that moment on he cared only about keeping his marriage in tact. I've lost every client I had, my self respect, financial stability / security and live on pins and needles wondering when and how my husband is going to find out. I feel so foolish.

 

For weeks I waited for him to call me and tell me he just couldn't stay with her now that the truth was out. Sadly, the contact we have maintained has been about his attempts to keep her from finding out the details / truth. I've recently become aware he has convinced her there was no relationship and someone is just making this all up to "scam" them.

 

I'm so angry and hurt I want to go to her and tell her the truth. To take the tangible evidene with me and hand it to her. He has basically just skipped back to his protected little world with no consequence whatsoever. He knows I have lupus and how stress affects my ability to fight the disease and function on some normal level.

 

I just keep being amazed that he seems to not care about what this has cost me. Physically, emotionally and financially. Looking back, I realize now it was normally me who paid for the hotel rooms (2 or 3 times per week). His promises of things we would do together never came to fruition. All the lamenting about how deeply in love with me he was, how much he wished we could be together, the lengthy love letters (emails) detailing how sad he was things were not different for us - it all meant NOTHING.

 

I look today at my Husband knowing whatever his faults may be that he does love me. I wish I could say I loved him in return. I've tried. Honest to God, I've tried. Nothing seems right and I don't think I'll ever feel the same. Our relationship had become non-exsistent during the affair. I'm just not duplicitous by nature and couldn't even consider the possiblity of sleeping with 2 men at the same time. How weird is that coming from someone who has been carrying on this way for 2 years?

 

Some days are better than others but I feel as though all is lost and remain unsure how to recapture the person I was before I visited all this upon my own life. I'm fully prepared to take personal responsibility. I've fought the urge to go to his wife, to go and meet with his firm's managing partners (he would be fired), or to file a complaint with the State bar since his having this type of relationship with a client is in clear violation of the attorney's code of ethics. He would be disbarred. I know he thinks he didn't leave any proof of the affair, but he did. I have all the emails and other things.

 

The pain and the grief are more than I could ever imagined. I feel lost and foolish and angry and physically ill. I lost 15 pounds in a week. Nothing seems to matter anymore.

 

For anyone who has gone through a similar situation, your thoughts and insights would mean a great deal.

 

Thanks!

[bunset]

ig,

 

I have a lot of empathy for you.

Lots of us OW have had their MM go back to the wife after d-day (discovery). Many of us have fallen in love, but are coping with letting the MM find his happiness, because of that love.

We know from experience that it will do no one any good whatsoever to contact the BS(betrayed spouse) to make yourself feel better.

I do not understand why your business has suffered so, though.

You must pick yourself up and take care of yourself.

I also have lost about 10 pounds in the last month in despair.

Yes, my work has suffered.

I also have lamented my terrible loss of affection for my H (husband).

I am looking to end my M, for my own good, as well as that of my H.

It will be difficult. But I know that I cannot be the same wife that he wishes me to be, since I am changed by the A.

I must look after my own heart and soul, and allow him to find someone else that may care for his more than I am able.

 

You owe it to yourself to get back to yourself.

Stop beating yourself up over the fact that you are human.

Allow that the A was or was not a mistake, and you are disappointed in it's current outcome. Have faith that you can move on to do what is best for you.

You had found some happiness before, you will find it again.

[scarletletter]

I know that you are heartbroken, sick and very angry. But I would wait until you calm down a bit to decide if you are going to go to his wife. If you go now, things could get even more stressful for you and I don't think you need that at all. What would be your point for telling her? Hoping that she will kick him out and then he will be yours? I seriously doubt it. If you tell her, he is going to have intense anger for you and then you will be left with nothing again. Are you going for revenge? I can understand that, but you have to be careful. He could have enough power to destroy you completely and then you will have nothing and still be heartbroken, sick and angry. If you still want to be with him after the pain he has caused you then you need to work on that. I don't think think this is a healthy thing to do at all...for your sake.

[SoleMate]

Very sad story. I understand the emotional and marital rebuilding you have to do. I'm also concerned about your career! Why have you lost every client you ever had? If there was any causal relationship between his actions (which were grossly unethical and disgusting) and your financial and professional losses, then I am very tempted to review and consider the idea of suing him and his firm for legal malpractice. The purpose would be to recoup your financial losses. I am afraid that from the moment he lost faith with you, there is really nothing emotionally that he will ever provide you...not even the satisfaction of seeing his behavior bite him in his professional and marital ass. I mean, maybe that will happen, but I think you should do your best to let go of any concern or desire you may have relative to what punishment he personally receives. He is less than a stranger to you now.

It is quite possible that an excellent lawyer could work out a private settlement with your lawyer's firm that would prevent this becoming public. They want the confidentiality even MORE than you do. Think about it.

 

Your marriage is a separate and even more important issue. Do you want to keep it together or not? That's a decision you must make soon. Keep in mind that a mediocre 23 year husband had a very hard time competing with a hot attentive lover. He really didn't have a chance. However, your H may actually look pretty darn good next to Mr. Lawyer now that his true nature has been revealed. Marriage Builders may help you recapture good things in your marriage. Your H might be motivated to quit drinking if he could see the effect it has had, and will have, on the marriage. In the best case, you and your H could use this crisis to pull together as a team and rebuild a marriage that was even better than before - with each of you meeting the other's needs.

 

I look today at my Husband knowing whatever his faults may be that he does love me. I wish I could say I loved him in return. I've tried. Honest to God, I've tried. Nothing seems right and I don't think I'll ever feel the same.

Right now, your ability to predict the future of your marriage is impaired. Your judgment is clouded by the pain and hopelessness you feel. I would urge you NOT to trust those feelings that say it can never be better. I do think that there is a strong possibility it can be better.

 

I've never been in your shoes, but I am deeply sympathetic to your problems, and I would love to help any way I can. There are definitely better days ahead. Please keep posting.

[ig6586]

As to how this has all affected my business I've spent all my time for the past 2 years concentrating on my good lawyer friend and NOT my business as I should have. As a provider of consulting services, clients are demanding (as they should be for what I charge per hour) and when I'm off in a hotel or out of town unable to address their needs they will go somewhere else. My work is generally time sensative. In addition to that, in looking back it seems all my expendable income has gone to financing our fun. I've ruined myself and all I worked so hard for these past 12 years. Legal action against him / his firm had crossed my mind. Lord knows I could use any money that might result from such an action but that's something I would have to think about long and hard. I also know that if I DO take any action like that he will be fire and disbarred which ultimately hurts / takes away his ability to properly care for and support his children. Above all else, they are innocent in this and I see no way to justify hurting them.

 

I had the oppotunity yesterday to go and see the wife. I had lunch with my oldest daughter who lives / works in the same small town they live in. I actually passed her on the road as I was leaving town and fought the urge to turn around. I think what made me so angry to begin with and to even consider going to her was NOT thinking she would throw him out and he'd coming running to me; rather, I am so hurt and angry that he actually told her there was never a relationship between us and I was some crackpot trying to make this up to "scam" them. I've yet to figure that out completely. He denies telling her that and offered some non sensical explanation about all that. I just didn't care what happened to him as a result of my visit with her. I wanted to just stand up for myself and let him know he would not get by with denying it all as if it just never existed.

 

This week has been just as confusing. We've continued talking on the phone each day and have probably spent a fortune in text messages. He wants us to see each other on Friday. He says he cannot live with the thought of hurting me any more and if our seeing each other means that will happen he would rather us not see each other. He insists he loves me. Yes, I know better. He loves only having his cake and eating it too (to borrow from an old addage). I'm thinking of just leaving town and going to visit my Mother in another state for a few days. That alone will remove the temptation to see him on Friday. It's her 75th birthday and I should be with her anyway.

 

I am also concerned that he should not use his position to do this to anyone else. Clearly his only intention is to stay with the wife. The other blaringly obvious thing is that if in fact he told her that line and she bought into it, she doesn't WANT to know the truth. Although she is an attorney herself (she does not currently practice and stays home with the kids), it seems her objective is to keep her Nordstrom's card and the lifestyle he provides for her. Riding past their million dollar home yesterday made me want to throw up. I've worked SO hard to have a nice home and now conisder that I might lose all that while they sit in their little protected world and continue on as if this never happened. Guess I'm still a bit angry, huh? The other aspect of that is revenge might feel just a little bit good. I've never been one to allow anyone to screw me over. His lawyer-ness (or hers) does not intimidate me. She could sue me I suppose but at this point she'd only get 1/2 of the fifty cents I have left.

 

I have 2 beautiful sheep dogs and I'm walking with them each day a coupld of miles. The exercise is good for the depression and espeically good for my lupus so that is a positive step forward for me even though it seems so insignificant in the overall scheme of things. I've also completed a resume and have sent to a few selective companies as I consider returning to the traditional employee-employer type arrangement. Just this morning I sent e-mails to 2 well established contacts letting them know I was looking for opportunities to either work or re-build my client base. Again, small steps - but small ones are better than none at all.

 

As for my Husband he works at home a lot and has been here pretty much non-stop for the past couple of weeks. I'm trying to be more tolerant (I had reached a point I could barely stand to be around him). I'm also trying to be more kind and genuinely grateful that he seems perfectly willing to support me through all this. All he knows is my business has failed after all this time and I'm deeply depressed. I also have to be thankful for the fact that he has been so supportive about my illness and all the ways that has affected our lives (even pre-laywer). He didn't sign up for a sick person who once earned $150,000 / year and now earns NADA. He also does his best to help me and assume as much responsibility as he can when I am sick. I can tell when he sees me in such physical pain it hurts him too. I don't deserve that. I don't even know where to begin with his drinking issue. I just know it makes me sick to see him destroying himself and our marriage when he drinks and gets so verbally abusive.

 

I've gone on FOREVER. Thanks so much for listening. I'm thankful for your response and look forward to hearing from you. If I can help YOU, please let me know.