Helly Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Usually, I feel that even if my SO and I had no money and lived in a cardboard box, I would still rather live that life with him than be with anyone else. Sometimes, I worry that money really is important and I could be happier with someone else, that I should accept that financial stability is important and that I should look for a new relationship with someone who could look after me?! What are other people's experiences of this? My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years. I'm 34. He's 32. He is a wonderful, beautiful, special man, my best friend, he brings out the best in me, we love, care for and support each other, we can talk to eachother about anything, we have shared plans and hopes and even the sex is wonderful. but... money has always been difficult. I earn more than him, my career is going well. He is struggling to establish himself in the career that he wants. He works really hard in other jobs but he doesn't earn very much. I've supported him financially for the last couple of years (We live in my flat, I pay all the bills, I pay for most of the things that we do together and I've bought equipment for his work that he wouldn't otherwise have been able to afford) and I know that it might always be like this. He does lots and lots for me in other ways. I don't like the thought of not sharing my life with him but some of the things that we want to do seem so impossible and difficult with things the way that they are at the moment. We want to have children (and maybe get married too!). He already has a daughter from a previous relationship, he's a great dad and is keen to have more kids. We live in London, life here is so expensive but we love life here and our careers are based here. What to do?!!! Does something have to change? I'd really appreciate others advice!
Tony T Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Whether or not you can tolerate this forever depends totally on you. Just don't take the relationship to the next phase thinking things will change. It's likely you'll be the main breadwinner here for a long time to come. Right now, the love flows and all is well. It has been my experience that as time moves on, as people and ideas change, as situations change, as we meet other people and witness other circumstances our feelings about our relationships change significantly. Right now, you feel that love will take you to the finish line. In five years or so, you may be worn down and not feel the same way at all. Your guy is doing something wrong. If you are helping him along and he's working hard, perhaps he needs to see a professional job counsellor about channelling his energy into more profitable enterprises of his liking. If he truly loves you, he will want to contribute at least a like share to this relationship. Unfortunately, money is one component of a long term relationship...and an extremely important component of a marriage. The very fact that you are posting here now about this matter points up that even with all the love and happiness you are feeling a faint danger signal...that will only get more pronounced and observable with time.
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Are you resentful for footing most the bills? Do you think your future plans/desires are not going to become reality because of the lack of income? Do you see yourself being the major bread winner in your future together and for some reason that may make you unhappy? In my opinion I think money cannot buy happiness but is sure as hell helps. As for the rich idea of living in a cardboard box being ok as long as you are inlove....... that is dribble. If it happened you would be changing your tune about that. Finances are a very very very important part of relationships. Like it or not, admit to it or not......... it is true.
Curmudgeon Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Agreed! The tolerance level will likely challenge the relationship in time. It's fine while the responsibilities are minimal but add children to the mix, reach the point in time and age when future financial security and retirement become a factor and tolerance could fly out the window. Love would likely begin a slow and steady walk out the door. It sounds like he needs to be held accountable for his future and any future the two of you may have together. Right now he's being enabled to not be responsible and is being given no incentive to commit to you or even his own future. He already has it all -- you, the flat, your financial support, you name it. Why rock the boat?
Walk Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 In your post, it almost sounds like he keeps all his money and spends it on himself? However much that may be. But if you're paying all the bills, and a large majority of the entertainment, where does his money go? I think that would make a bigger difference to me then the actual amount he makes. I'd rather be poor and know that the both of us are putting our effort toward the relationship. But if it gets one sided, where only one person is carrying the financial burden, then it causes resentment. Guess to me it's not the amount of money made, but the investment of that money. My exH made good money and blew every last dime on himself. Ie. We could take vacations etc.. as long as it was where he wanted to go. Doesn't matter the income level, but the willingness to share what you do have for the betterment of the relationship. That's my philosophy.
Author Helly Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 I suppose I'm worried that I'll become resentful and worn down if our situation coninues like this for years. And by then I'll be v old too! (Too old to start looking for a new partner?) I just wantto hear what other people think of this situation. Maybe I'm hoping to hear from people who were in this situation but have made it work. We want to move to the next phase in our relationship and I'm very tempted to do so in the hope that other things will just work out. Surely, that's part of what marriage is about? i.e. being with your partner and working on things together? I don't want to end my relationship just because money means that the future will be difficult! Or is money really that important?
Outcast Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 He is struggling to establish himself in the career that he wants. He works really hard in other jobs but he doesn't earn very much. There's your clue, IMHO. He's not accepting his situation, he's working hard, and he seeks other ways to earn money. People with that much drive will succeed. Now if 'the career he wants' is in show business, he may indeed have to change his expectations because it's entirely possible that he'll never 'make it' but I can think of few other careers where a person who works real hard won't make it. If your admiration of his ambition and industriousness overcomes his dollar value for you, you'll be fine. So what if he never makes as much as you or more than you? As long as he brings in a reasonable income that contributes to your overall wealth, I think it's worth toning down your material expectations of life. Will a humungous home feel good to have if there's no great guy in it? is money really that important? Only you can answer that. I'd like a nicer place and better things, but I can afford everything I need and even a couple extras on the side. I'm fine with that. If all your dreams of your life involved massive numbers of possessions, then I suppose it's important to you. You have to sort that out.
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I have been the main bread winner in most of my LTRs..... it did not bother me. For that matter I like to provide for an SO. Now if things were in dire straights because one of us was not able to provide sufficient income to survive on and afford some luxury it would concern me. More money can always be attained. You have to plan and execute that plan. You need to sit down and discuss this with your SO. Form a plan, goals, current financial status, future desires, budgets ........... I have no idea why so many people leave this out of discussions in a relationship. Pretty amazing. Have you really discussed it?
Author Helly Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Thanks. That's good advice. I think we need to do that. We've made plans. Maybe we need to make more definite ones! Can't we just get married and somehow it'll work out financially?! <sigh> I suppose my worry is that we've made plans already but things haven't worked out or got better. Our plans have failed so far. (We were supposed to get engaged in June but that's passed now without any official engagement and he's still trying to improve his job situation...) Doesn't anyone have a happy ever after story?
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Thanks. That's good advice. I think we need to do that. We've made plans. Maybe we need to make more definite ones! Can't we just get married and somehow it'll work out financially?! <sigh> I suppose my worry is that we've made plans already but things haven't worked out or got better. Our plans have failed so far. (We were supposed to get engaged in June but that's passed now without any official engagement and he's still trying to improve his job situation...) Doesn't anyone have a happy ever after story? Well include your official engagement in your goals and financial plans Sure I have happy stories... but just like a relationship finances have their ups and downs.... I like reaching financial goals.... I love the challenge of it and it is a great thing two people can do together. I think if you work together to get what you both want it probably brings you closer together........ so get crackin'!
magichands Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 In your post, it almost sounds like he keeps all his money and spends it on himself? However much that may be. But if you're paying all the bills, and a large majority of the entertainment, where does his money go? I'm still waiting for an answer to this one. Is he saving up for a huge rock?
magichands Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Well include your official engagement in your goals and financial plans Ohhh... how romantic. Just kidding.
norajane Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 You both have to discuss what your long term financial and life goals are first. You've already stated you want to get married and have children. Do you also want to eventually own your own place? Do you want to be able to take vacations every now and then? Do you want to be able to save money for your children's education? Once you've set those goals, then you can develop a timeline for reaching them, along with concrete plans to get there...meaning, identify the first goal, set a savings plan to reach it, and then stick to it until you get there. If what you want does not match what he wants, then you will ultimately have a problem. If you share the same goals, but there is really no chance of meeting them with his current job circumstances, determine how long you two will give him to get established in his career of choice, and if he's not much closer to getting established by then, you have to have a contingency plan. If you can't agree on these things, there's no point in getting married. Finances don't magically work out after you get married. In fact, money is one of the top reasons people get divorced.
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Ohhh... how romantic. Just kidding. Romance costs money...... hand picked side of the road weed flowers are special every once in a great while. BUT Bling, Dinners, and Hotel Suites cost $$$$.......... for that matter camels do to! :lmao:
alphamale Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 money gets more and more important the older you get...
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 money gets more and more important the older you get... yeppers Geritol and Preparation H ain't free! :lmao:
Author Helly Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 goes on: food, travel (ie getting around town to work), money to his daughter's mother, travelling cross country to collect his daughter for visits and then take her back to her mother afterwards, money to pay off a computer that I bought on credit for him and (god forbid! we've all got to live a little!) going out for a drink now and then. He wastes money on magazines and newspapers but that's all. He's paid-off the computer now and can now give up some of his work to spend more time on other unpaid projects (that mite lead to paid work). So, financially we're still no better off... Nice of me to support him, huh? (He does appreciate it and knows he's v lucky)
Outcast Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 And sometimes partners need to do that for partners. I supported my spouse while he attended school for a year. He then got a good job and we both benefitted. For a while I made more but then he caught up.
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 goes on: food, travel (ie getting around town to work), money to his daughter's mother, travelling cross country to collect his daughter for visits and then take her back to her mother afterwards, money to pay off a computer that I bought on credit for him and (god forbid! we've all got to live a little!) going out for a drink now and then. He wastes money on magazines and newspapers but that's all. He's paid-off the computer now and can now give up some of his work to spend more time on other unpaid projects (that mite lead to paid work). So, financially we're still no better off... Nice of me to support him, huh? (He does appreciate it and knows he's v lucky) What if the shoe were on the other foot? Would he support you? You really need to hash this out with him ASAP..... I detect some resentment
Outcast Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Really smart investors and businessmen understand all about 'short-term pain for long-term gain'. There's also the concept of delayed gratification. If you're someone who MUST have more money NOW, then drop him and look for Mr. Moneybags.
magichands Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Romance costs money...... hand picked side of the road weed flowers are special every once in a great while. BUT Bling, Dinners, and Hotel Suites cost $$$$.......... for that matter camels do to! :lmao: What?? I was talking about the proposal. (!) Reading is more than picking the odd (big?) word out of a sentence. What's this about weed? Yeah, I tried it once too. But I draw the line at camels.
Author Helly Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Maybe the question is: if the shoe was on the other foot, would he be capable of supporting me?! and if not, should that matter? No, it doesn't matter really. It just makes things difficult. And I suppose I'm wondering whether I can accept this situation forever. The alternative is not to be with him... Must make some definite plans and work towards them! I can feel a serious discussion coming on at our house! Still no happy ever after stories out there? Please?!
magichands Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Still no happy ever after stories out there? Please?! Yeah - I was happy ever after. Does that count?
alphamale Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 And I suppose I'm wondering whether I can accept this situation forever. The alternative is not to be with him... I work closely with two women in the office who are the sole breadwinners. Both of their husbands are bums who are house-husbands and watch soap operas all day. One of the husbands has some nebulous medical ailment that he says keeps him from working. Both of their wives have little to no respect for either of their hubbies. They are bad-mouthing them all day at the office. But then again...they are both stuck with these men because it would be quite hard for either of them to find another man.
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Both of their wives have little to no respect for either of their hubbies. They are bad-mouthing them all day at the office. . This sounds like role reversal...... isn't it men who sit in the office and bad mouth their wives all day... ....... the ball and chain yada yada ya.............. It seems as tho the bigger bread winner always gets the right to do this regardless of gender
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