paperdoll Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 " I don't like myself very much when I do things like that. I can pry " It just seems to me that you shouldn't have to feel like doing that anyway. He is obviously giving you insecurities that make you want to. Love seems to be missing here, either that or his selfishness out weighs the love, he loves himself more then he loves you. hugs, Jeanne
Author Lor Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 No one should ever have to pry into someone's phone bill, text messages, whatever but it happens. And I have pried into his cellphone bill--that's how I confirmed about her in the first place. And was sick to my stomache from the looking and from what I saw. Deep down, and its not wishful thinking, I do know he still loves me. He just doesn't love me enough to try to work this out. He's afraid that we can't get over the past several years, all the things that have happened, all the times we've hurt each other. One thing he keeps bringing up is he doesn't think I can get past this last year and no matter how many times I tell him that I already have, with the exception of her, he doesn't hear me. And I can get past her if she's GONE. It'll take some work, some rebuilding of trust but I can do it if he will do it. And he won't let himself do it. So why bother trying to hang on? I'm fooling myself when I say I don't want him back. I would. But I can say "I, I, I" all I want and it won't change anything. He has to make the moves in this and he's waiting and waiting and waiting. I don't want to date. I know I've talked about it on here but that was a moment of weakness....or too much self-confidence at the time. Really, I only want to be alone to lick my wounds and heal first. There's time later. Oh and yes, they are both VERY selfish thru this whole thing. but he has said as much. He knows he's been wrong, he feels very badly for what he's put us all thru but he won't try to heal. That's what gets so frustrating!
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Well, he emailed me back to say that no, he hasn't been talking to her lately. Do I get my hopes up, of course remaining cautious and ever vigile? I know I need to keep my shoulders back, chin up, so on....... I can't let my over-active imagination draw me down again. I won't get my hopes up. He won't work on it while we're gone. Or he'll start talking to her again. Who knows, maybe he's lying to me again. But what reason does he have to lie since he knows I'm going to file? Keep the course....... Lor sweetie...I feel for Hon but the truth is....there is no way to tell you how to handle it. Otherthan....YOU have done everything on your part. You are the one ahead in this game...now you have to show some tuff love. Stay strong...as hard as it will be...you must keep our head up. The ball is in his court now....he has to deal with it...he has no choice. Stay on your path....dont call him while you are gone, unless its ergent and has to do with the kids. Assume your path to file and stay on course. he is either going to accept this fate or he will finaly realize the magnitude of his actions and make a real effort to save his marriage. You cant do it for him. If you love him, then let him make his choice. if he talks to her while your gone, then thats what he does. you cant stop him. Take your time away and enjoy YOU. Enjoy your kids, enjoy life for the moment. When you get back home, stay on course. Dotn be wishy washy, sho him you have resolve and I garuntee you it will force him to take action. Either work on this M or not. its time to do away with the what ifs and maybes.......choose YOUR path and let him choose his. You have to live in your skin, not his, so take care of your own sweetie. I will pray for you and him.
Author Lor Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 There's no forcing him to do anything. He believes that even if I go thru with the divorce that if he decides he wants me back later that we can start over. I don't know if I can do that. This is my last marriage. I ended my first because I did not love him anymore, was embarrassed around him and was happier when he was out of town on work. That sounds cold and callous and it was. But I didn't drag it out or give him false hope--I laid it all out and called it done. There's more to it than that; he lied to me to get me to marry him and some other stuff but that part of my life is over and I don't really want to rehash it. Today is not a good day again. I was coming out of the depression yesterday until he called me then I felt myself tearing up again. And all he did was ask about our daughter's gymnastics class and when I was going to pick the kids up to leave for WI. He sounded so damn chipper, like nothing is wrong in the world. And here I am, feeling lower and lower, and like I can't go on anymore. So I asked him to please email me or go thru his parents to talk to me for a while. I can't take this depression. This morning I thought just keep driving and don't stop. Leave everything and everyone behind. But I can't do that--to myself, to my kids, to the people who love me. I will stick to my resolve. And, God help me, I'll still file. Whatever happens happens. This has been out of my control for almost a year now and, though I felt like I was getting control of myself back, now i feel like its gone again. I feel so utterly and totally helpless, though in my head I know I'm not. I can take control of my life again.....only it doesn't feel like there's any reason to anymore. I'm getting off here today. Gonna bury myself in work, maybe check back now and then, but I have to keep myself busy. I honestly feel like I'm losing my sanity. Thanks for your support and love and kisses to all, laura
Becoming Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Yeah, some days are like that, huh? And LS can be obsessive. Good for you for asking for your needs. Are you in therapy or a grief or divorce support group? This is all so sad, and the second divorce can kick up issues about feeling like a failure that we can beat ourselves up with and end up in a severe depression. You may need to see a dr. for meds for awhile, too. You have so much to offer folks, Laura. Hang in. And do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. Prayers for your healing.
Author Lor Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 I don't have anything to offer. Yeah, I feel like a complete failure. Like there's no point in anything anymore. I want to disappear. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I know but I've lost everything. I've lost my husband, my home, my life, my friends, my kids half the time. what do I have left? I won't ever get him back and he was my everything. yes, I'm on depression medication and have been since my breakdown. they tried switching me to Lexapro for a while but that made me violent and suicidal so I quit. I'm back on the Zoloft and Xanex but its not making any difference, I'm in such a state of depression. My marriage is over, folks. There is no hope. There is no magic cure. No ammount of sorry is ever going to fix things. I'm f*cking sitting here at work crying at my desk again, praying no one looks in my cube to see me. I can't stand pity from anyone. I want to go home but I can't--there's nothing to go home to. and I've used all my time cuz of the depression anyway--laying in bed crying for days at a time. I just want the pain to go away. I want to wake up and have this nightmare over. don't worry--I'm not going to do anything stupid. When I was a teenager, my mother told me once that if I ever killed myself she'd never forgive me. and that's something I couldn't bear the thought of. besides, my kids would never get over it. the thought has crossed my mind but I keep pushing it away.
Becoming Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 OK I know depression so I know what you're talking about. Understand about suicide--how stupid and selfish. But also about not wanting to live. And you know this will pass but that right now it doesn't feel like it. Diver012 started a thread I found helpful when I was down: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92492/ I hesitated reading it because I was so down at the time, but it helped just knowing I wasn't alone, and that the loneliness is an ILLUSION. You do have much to offer--maybe just not right now--and that's ok. Keep trying other drugs. SSRI's don't seem to work for me. Zoloft didn't do it either. But Nefazadone does--kinda weird--but honey, it keeps me from being so depressed I can't do a thing but sit and cry all day. So drugs are good. And are you in therapy? I found a good therapist who's made me confront all the fears that have kept me depressed for much of my life. I'd like to throttle her some days, but I thank God for her. You're not a failure--you're a trusting human being who's been lied to and betrayed and who is smart enough not to put up with such crap. Yeah, for you! Now here's a poem by Marge Piercy for the strong woman I see beyond this bad day: For strong women by Marge Piercy A strong woman is a woman who is straining. A strong woman is a woman standing on tip toe and lifting a barbell while trying to sing Boris Godunov. A strong woman is a woman at work cleaning out the cesspool of the ages, and while she shovels,she talks about how she doesn't mind crying,it opens the ducts of her eyes,and throwing up develops the stomach muscles,and she goes on shoveling with tears in her nose. A strong woman is a woman in whose head a voice is repeating,I told you so, ugly,bad girl,bitch,nag,shrill,witch, ballbuster,nobody will ever love you back, why aren't you feminine,why aren't you soft,why aren't you quiet,why aren't you dead? A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others are determined not to be done. She is pushing up on the bottom of a lead coffin lid.She is trying to raise a manhole cover with her head,she is trying to butt her way though a steel wall. Her head hurts.People waiting for the hole to be made say,hurry,you're so strong. A strong woman is a woman bleeding inside.A strong woman is a woman making herself strong every morning while her teeth loosen and her back throbs. Every baby, a tooth,midwives used to say,and now every battle a scar. A strong woman is a mass of scar tissue that aches when it rains and wounds that bleed when you bump them and memories that get up in the night and pace in boots to and fro. A strong woman is a woman who craves love like oxygen or she turns blue choking. A strong woman is a woman who loves strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly terrified and has strong needs.A strong woman is strong in words,in action,in connection,in feeling; she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf sucking her young.Strength is not in her,but she enacts it as the wind fills a sail. What comforts her is other's loving her equally for the strength and for the weakness from which it issues,lightning from a cloud. Lightning stuns. In rain,the clouds disperse. Only water of connection remains, flowing through us.Strong is what we make together, a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid. Just another lonely, depressed strong sister standing with you in the rain . . . Becoming
Author Lor Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 I don't feel strong. Right now I feel defeated. I try to be the best person I can be, but apparently SHE's a better person. At least in his eyes. I've lost my best friend. This wasn't supposed to happen. I've screwed up so many times but always thought I was doing the best I could. Now I know I didn't. and all the sorry's in the world aren't enough. I've said I'm sorry so many times I'm hoarse from it. I married him knowing that we would always be together. I figured we'd grow old together, watch our grandchildren together, retire together. DAMN IT! This wasn't supposed to happen. No where in the rule book did it say "You are only going to be together 9 years". I don't remember him saying when he proposed, "Will you marry me? I love you. But only until things aren't going good." Why won't he even try??? And I know, only I really know him, so no one can answer that. I don't want to give up. I don't want to lose him. But I've read the books, I've tried to follow advice. I've changed, for me and for him. Nothing has made a difference. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my heart hurts. When will it ever end? I'm a weak, stupid person for loving someone this much in the first place. That will never happen again if I can help it. I won't ever go thru this again.
Recommended Posts