Falling for my friend

[Nufc1892]

Hi I know there has been a few posts on this subject but i would really like some advice if possible.

 

Basically there is a girl at work who i like and she seems to like me alot too but over the past few months we have become quite close friends, also i am really shy and find it difficult to express my feelings.

 

It started about 8 months ago when she started making excuses as to why she did not want to go back to the office and have lunch with the others, and the excuses she used were things that had never been a problem before, like saying "i dont need to go back there today so if you don't then shall we stay here ".She would either call me or just bump into me during the morning and ask what i was doing for lunch. I'd would always try and ask her if she was ok and she would always say that she was fine. Even though it was quite obvious that this may not be true.

 

There seems to be a lot of flirting and eye contact between us. There are many times were we have held eye contact for a long time after a conversation, or i've looked up to see her watching me only for her to look away. She seems to like teasing me and trying to prove that she is better than me at things or that she works harder than me even though she claims not to be competative. I am not a "Touchy Feely" person but when she teases me i might squeeze her hips, her arm or shoulder or stroke her poney tail and she never seems to try and pull her self away or say anything, normally she just giggles and carries on.

 

Having spent a lot of time with her i get the impression that like me she is quite shy and private and to a certain extent is unconfident about herself. That being said she seems quite happy to tell me alot about herself, things that she likes etc. She has even told me her nickname that her family use for her. She also tells me alot about her family and about people who unless i was her bf i would never expect to meet. I get the impression from talking to other people at work that she does not tell them some of the things she tells me. Its as if she talk to me first above anyone else who we work with

 

I have also noticed that when we go out with other work people, if we get time on our own we might starting talking about friends and family or what we are doing at the weekend, then when the others return she will stop talking or change the subject to something more general and less personal to her. To a certain extent this can be quite embarrasing because it is obvious to the others that we have been talking about something else. Ocassionally people will always ask me whats going on between us which i find unconfortable because when i say nothing i get the impression they dont belive me. On one ocassion another girl at work kept implying to us both that we were spending to much time together to be just friends. During this time my friend said nothing even after the other girl had gone.

 

I have never had the guts to tell her my true feelings as i dont want to ruin what is obviously a good friendship. However a few weeks ago i mentioned that i had been to an art gallery. My friend said she had never been to one so i said i'd take her if she liked and she said yes. however when i asked her again if she would still like to go she said that she was not sure if art was her thing. She then proceeded to spend the rest of the day teasing and flirting with me.

 

Sorry if you have heard all this before, but some advice would be much appreciated

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/statusicon/user_offline.gif

[seanryann]

Ah yes, the flirty female friend.

 

This happened to me no more almost back in October, and continued through till Janurary. It didn't end well. I pushed the "friend" thing because I assumed the feelings I had for her were mutual. They were not, and now I can't stand the sound of her voice and she probably hates me too.

 

This shouldn't scare you off though. I didn't tell you that to scare you.

 

Let me say this: I don't regret it. I don't regret finding out if we both shared the same feelings. It didn't work out ultimately, but I have no regrets.

 

It might be awkward between you two if she says "no", but you can get over that. If you're both mature about it (her and I weren't), things will work out even after.

 

Suggest you go out with her again. Maybe to anothe place. If she says no again, then re-evaluate.

 

Maybe she said yes initially to the art gallery then no, because she was happy that you wanted to go out with her, but then when she thought about it, would rather you take her somewhere else. Somewhere she'll be more comfortable. If she can't talk art with you, she might feel infierior there.

 

Good luck

[dancehead]

Sounds like shes either playing hard to get or just playing. Perhaps she knows exactly what shes doing. Still it sounds like fun. I would ask her out some more, play the game. If she really wants you then shes'll go out with you eventually. Perhaps work on from there to spend more time with her and see how it goes from there.

[Max Overclock]

I think the only way to handle this is to give it a go. Just plain and simply ask her out some time off work hours ... even if you go for a drive some night and get something to eat. Or take a walk through some nice park or whatnot ... keep it simple but remove the situation from work.

 

If it's a no-go, and she refuses, you should not reciprocate the flirtation anymore, but you could continue to be good friends, yet don't spend so much time together. Keep her at arms reach.

 

If it's a go ... good for you both. You'll have yourself a nice lady.

 

So there ya go. Simple.

 

Max

[Yamaha]

It should be simple but some women will end a friendship if a guy shows feelings for her. She can't be friends with a guy who displays sexual interest. This never deterred me though because I figured if she ended the friendship just because I liked her then she wasn't a friend from the beginning.

 

Go ahead and ask her out and put an end to wondering how she feels about you.

[ninjapirate]

i completely understand im in the middle, actually its possible im a bit further, in the same situation.

 

i have gone out with her, it didnt work she said she wasnt ready after her last relationship.

 

we're still good friends and I still get the signs, its still confusing too. she teases me so much. im still not sure what will happen, giving it a go might not even solve anything but you know it doesnt hurt. it works different for different people.

[Max Overclock]

we're still good friends and I still get the signs, its still confusing too. she teases me so much. im still not sure what will happen.

 

From what I can see, ninja, the only mistake you are making here is to reciprocate the flirtation and teasing. At all costs, don't do it. Keep her at arms length.

 

Please understand that I'm not saying to be completely cold to her. Be as friendly as you would be with a co-worker who is a male. Obviously, you wouldn't flirt with him, so don't engage in any flirtation of any type with her either. Again, keep her at arms length, as difficult as it is to do.

 

Let's face it. Doing so will be better for your heart, and hey, IF she values you as more than just a close friend, then your "cutting her off" of the flirtation and contact MAY help her have a change of heart on the situation as well. That's not a guarantee at all of course. In her mind, you guys may simply not be compatible as any more than just friends. But, if she does value you on a deeper level, it may make her do some needed thinking on the situation.

 

See, I believe that the flirtation and teasing MAY be her way of staying emotionally close to you. Women, above all, want and value emotional connections with people, and especially with the guys they value as potential partners. The flirting and teasing gives her that emotional closeness with you that she needs.

 

At the same time, it removes her from seeing the immediate need of pursuing what, incidentally, you want with her ... that being the complete relationship, both emotional and physical.

 

The result for you? Well, as time goes by, you continue to want her emotionally AND physically even more. That helps cloud your judgement, make you heartsick and confused, and perhaps leaves you feeling more than a little empty inside. At the same time, you gain nothing toward that tactile, physical closeness that men value so much, along with the emotional closeness of being with the woman we care for so deeply.

 

See the disparity? She's getting what she values most, but you're not ... and you're unwittingly perpetuating the situation.

 

Who knows? She may even have you in the "fallback option" category. She may be more or less keeping you "on reserve" for a future time. You need to cut the "emotional" strings, and make her evaluate things at the present.

 

Believe me, you'll get a reaction. No doubt, there'll either be an escalation of the flirtation on her part, or she will throw a major "attitude explosion" on you. She may even give the ole' "What is wrong with you lately?" treatment, or she may tell you you've gotten cold, or different, or whatever.

 

No matter what happens, be a man. Continue to be nice and cordial to her, BUT (annnnnd, it's a big but) DO NOT FLIRT in any way, shape or form. Remember, IF you choose to go this route, when you cut her off, she'll not be getting what she needs from you emotionally. That will be a problem for her. Something will likely give.

 

Even if the friendship ends because you cut off the emotional strings, that may be something that just has to be so. You probably want a whole heck of a lot more from her than just friendship.

 

Ask yourself this: Will you ever be satisified to be friends with a girl that you may very well desire as a partner? If not, then if the friendship ends, it ends.

 

I know it sounds unfeeling, but I fear it's necessary.

 

Max