Hyacinth123 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I am one who loves 'nice guys'. In my book nice guys don't finish last. I appreciate that they aren't players. I love how they treat, respect, and value a woman. I love that they are simple, low key, and maybe not the hottest men in the world. I think they're sexy. Anyway that aside I've come across many guys that are great, we connect very easily, basically we have fun together. They treat me well, and I likewise. Then one day the 'man trait' comes out. ( What is the man trait? My term for that quality that the bad guys have a lot of, what I try to avoid. When they act superior, egotistical, belittling, maybe even a little dominating.... to me) It's shocking to me because I don't expect it, not from 'Mr. Nice Guy' a few minutes later he's back to normal.... I'm not! I have yet to come across a guy who doesn't posses this quality, even if it's just momentary. It's my #1 pet peve, and I don't think it's escapable among men. How can I be less sensitive to it, and not be affected? Are 'good guys' just a toned down version of the 'bad guys'? Are they really both the same?
Poboy Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 quite an intresting observation. Being a guy , i can say that its not like all guys are like that. maybe you just havent found the right kind of guy... or is it 'you' who needs to probably look inside and see if you are at fault somewhere cause you said they all treat you well initially and then somehow change... and in relationships , its all about accepting and working on the negatives of both parties ... no one is perfect and everyone has 'not so nice guy' traits ... initially, everyone shows their nice sides and puts on best face forward , only after spending sometime with them , will you realise the other traits which might bug you... its normal
Tinman Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 ( What is the man trait? My term for that quality that the bad guys have a lot of, what I try to avoid. When they act superior, egotistical, belittling, maybe even a little dominating.... to me) It's shocking to me because I don't expect it, not from 'Mr. Nice Guy' a few minutes later he's back to normal.... I'm not! What is this "man trait?" Well first of all it's not really a man trait, it's a people trait. It may tend manifest itself in different ways in women and men but it's essentially the same trait. The degree to which it manifests itself depends what degree they keep themselves in check [or even care about keeping themselves in check]. What -it- is, is that people [men and women] aren't always on their best behavior. They aren't always sensitive to the feelings of others. Heck, even when they are trying to be sensitive they can still get irritated, they can still miss signs, they can misinterpret signs, they can just have bad days or be busy inside their own head. If, as you say, these guys revert right back to "nice" mode means they do a pretty good job of keeping themselves in check but that they slip sometimes. If this bugs you then you need to be honest with them and let them know that this hurts you. Hopefully, this will give them a chance to explain what's going on, give you a better grasp of their situation and relieve you of the need to sit their and overanalyze the situation. As always, communication is key. With that said.... Second option. You may be overly sensitive and/or these men perceive you as being overly sensitive. It doesn't matter if this is true, as long as the perception is there the results can often be the same. These guys pick up on this and to avoid setting you off they generally manage to phrase things very carefully. This can seem like a good thing but it in the long run it usually leads to him feeling like he's constantly walking across a minefield and usually this will lead to resentment on his part. Thus, resentment occasionally boils over in the form of sharp comments or domineering behavior in a misguided attempt to "get a little of his own back". Either way, they're somewhat cathartic and so after the occasional flare-up you're both back in the same bad cycle. In this situation the key is once again communication, though this time it's a little trickier. If he perceives you as being overly sensitive he may be unwilling to express his grievences openly. Either way though, the key is to get to the point where you both feel you can express grievences and criticism openly without the other partner feeling "belittled." Likewise, both partners need to learn how to express these grievences without being belittling. In any case, it's not a "man trait" anymore then it's a "woman trait." Your "bad boy" behavior could just as easily be "bitch" behavior if there was different plumbing involved. Or, it could be that you're just overanalyzing things.
alphamale Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 How can I be less sensitive to it, and not be affected? become a lesbian Are 'good guys' just a toned down version of the 'bad guys'? Are they really both the same? "good guys" hide their badness therefore they are less honest to themselves and others. most of these guys aren't players because they can't be...many women just are not interested in them...
Touche Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 "good guys" hide their badness therefore they are less honest to themselves and others. most of these guys aren't players because they can't be...many women just are not interested in them..." That's patently ridiculous. I've never been involved with a man who cheated on me. My H is VERY desirable and gets approached by women all the time. He's just not interested. Some men actually have morals and take their vows seriously.
Curmudgeon Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 For one, who by definition, should have come in last, I certainly was the overall winner. It's not unusual for both sexes to put their best foot forward when they first beging dating and moving into a relationship. After awhile their true nature comes through but that doesn't mean that a nice guy will turn into a bad boy or a player. There's something very comforting about being able to come out of character and just be yourself around one you care for. That should not change the fundamental person unless everything about them was merely a facade up until that point. That's a long way of saying that truly good guys are not the same as truly bad guys. Unfortunately, most truly good guys are like parking spaces. Most of the best ones are already taken. But not all!
Author Hyacinth123 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Poboy: its all about accepting and working on the negatives of both parties ... no one is perfect and everyone has 'not so nice guy' traits ... everyone shows their nice sides and puts on best face forward , only after spending sometime with them , will you realise the other traits which might bug you... its normal I agree, maybe because I didn’t grow up with men in ‘my household’ I’m only used to the females ‘other side’ Tinman: What -it- is, is that people [men and women] aren't always on their best behavior. They aren't always sensitive to the feelings of others. Heck, even when they are trying to be sensitive they can still get irritated, they can still miss signs, they can misinterpret signs, they can just have bad days or be busy inside their own head………..After awhile their true nature comes through but that doesn't mean that a nice guy will turn into a bad boy or a player. I agree, nicely put become a lesbian Maybe I will Curmudgeon- For one, who by definition, should have come in last, I certainly was the overall winner. I'm glad you've came out on top! There's something very comforting about being able to come out of character and just be yourself around one you care for. That should not change the fundamental person unless everything about them was merely a facade up until that point.....it's not unusual for both sexes to put their best foot forward when they first beging dating and moving into a relationship. After awhile their true nature comes through but that doesn't mean that a nice guy will turn into a bad boy or a player. Your right. I don't believe it's a facade, maybe it's just foreign behavior to me. I just have to recognize it for what it is & learn to get used to it I guess... I'm surprised so many 'guys' were able to provide such great advice, when I usually bring this up to guy, they don't really get what I'm trying to express. Thanks for the input, not trying to overanalyze...it just happens
typical Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Well, for me, I took a chance with a nice guy. Down to earth, normal, mellow, unflashy. Just a good wholesome nice guy. Everyone would gush how wonderful a man he was, how caring, how sensitive, how....nice.... I thought I was extremely lucky.... Boy, was I wrong.
Author Hyacinth123 Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Everyone would gush how wonderful a man he was, how caring, how sensitive, how....nice.... I thought I was extremely lucky.... Boy, was I wrong. What Happened?
typical Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 What Happened? What didnt?! I cant tell you the ending because its not finished yet.
FaithyBabe Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 What didnt?! I cant tell you the ending because its not finished yet. Do Tell some then ? Or do I need to find the posts? My guy is nice, but is it really for me ?
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