Paradox

[KittenMoon]

I just feel the same way I feel when I interview for a job I wanted, that I was perfectly qualified for, and I don't get the job.

 

Isn't that annoying?

 

 

I don't think that the ex should have wanted the relationship to continue, they are within their rights to end an association with me if who I am is not sufficient. I just feel bad because who I am was not sufficient.

 

So it is just the question over WHY we're not sufficient? Or why we STOPPED being sufficient after an LTR?

 

I think what kinda miffs me is that it seems like in a lot of LTRs, a person stops being sufficient for whatever reason(s) but is never told or given a chance to correct things within that relationship. But maybe that's just our spoiled "instant gratification" society mentality at work again.

 

Short term relationships... well, I say let go. IMO, a few months shouldn't send a healthy person into a long term obsessive period of "whhhhhhy????! >sob<"

[laRubiaBonita]

where as i would *try* to see it as I was not sufficient for that persons needs....but i am sufficient.

 

reefer to this post!

[blind_otter]

Isn't that annoying?

 

Is it ever, you don't even get a call back saying "oh we met you and realized we hate people who look/act/sound/smell like you so we decided to hire Jenny in Accounting's friend who is totally unqualified for the position but we enjoy wallowing in frequent nepotism whenever possible."

 

So it is just the question over WHY we're not sufficient? Or why we STOPPED being sufficient after an LTR?

 

I think what kinda miffs me is that it seems like in a lot of LTRs, a person stops being sufficient for whatever reason(s) but is never told or given a chance to correct things within that relationship. But maybe that's just our spoiled "instant gratification" society mentality at work again.

 

I guess in some respects you have to wonder whether they tried in their way to communicate, but it just never got through to you. I've had a lot of post breakup converastions where one or the other party was like, Ohhhh, was THAT what you were trying to say...

 

With LTRs I have to wonder what it was that changed. Whether it was over time, slowly feeling like we shouldn't be together... or in an instant when they woke up one morning, looked over at me sleeping peacefully, and suddenly felt like they were going to puke. Or had the overwhelming urge to smother me with a pillow.

[KittenMoon]

I guess in some respects you have to wonder whether they tried in their way to communicate, but it just never got through to you. I've had a lot of post breakup converastions where one or the other party was like, Ohhhh, was THAT what you were trying to say...

 

With LTRs I have to wonder what it was that changed. Whether it was over time, slowly feeling like we shouldn't be together... or in an instant when they woke up one morning, looked over at me sleeping peacefully, and suddenly felt like they were going to puke. Or had the overwhelming urge to smother me with a pillow.

 

 

Maybe my ex was, in retrospect, trying to communicate to me via telepathy.:lmao:

 

He only rarely tried to smother me with a pillow, and that's back when he loved me.

[Becoming]

I've auditioned for lots of parts in the theatre, and it wasn't about being insufficient at all. It was about not being what they thought they were looking for. I knew I could play the part, but they wanted a particular body type to go with others, etc., some certain quality, or Bob the producer's neice.

 

It's not about our sufficiency to the other, but about their perceived needs.

 

But that's part of the reason why I quit the theatre altogether. When our self-confidence is shakey, we need it supported, like a young seedling needs support, not a hail-storm of rejection!

 

I don't think it has to be about co-dependency. It's about mourning something of value that you've lost, KM. Sorry. :(

[timidity99]

If you are co-dependent then why not just find someone else who is just as co-dependent as you are? That will be the perfect match. My ex gf and I are co-dependent. It doesn't seem like neither one of us can stay away from each other. She wants to get back together but I'm not sure yet. I really don't care if society labels me as a co-dependent. All I care about is the opinion of the girl I'm dating because she's the one who is choosing to put up with me.

[KittenMoon]

Oh hell.

 

I'm not co-dependent!

[Diver012]

If you are co-dependent then why not just find someone else who is just as co-dependent as you are? That will be the perfect match. My ex gf and I are co-dependent. It doesn't seem like neither one of us can stay away from each other. She wants to get back together but I'm not sure yet. I really don't care if society labels me as a co-dependent. All I care about is the opinion of the girl I'm dating because she's the one who is choosing to put up with me.

 

If being in a co-dependant relationship is so perfect, why is she your EX in the first place? That doesnt sound like a perfect relationship to me. Im not saying there is a perfect relationship, as a matter of fact, I dont think it exists. Relationships take work, commitment, and sacrifice. If you need someone in your life to put up with you, then maybe you should make some changes in your life so that a person isn't there to simply put up with you, but is there because they love and respect the person you are. That just sounds more healthy to me and rewarding...

[magichands]

Codependency is one of the disorders invented by psychiatrists to remain employed.

 

Just kidding. They have their work cut out for themselves as it is.

 

Maybe you're codependent if you're a conjoined twin. No other use of that word makes any sense.

[Pantero]

You know...I'm sitting here reading through this thread...absorbing each post like a sponge when it suddenly hits me. The reason WHY I feel so s***ty is because of the way I'm dealing with what happened and what's going on. It's logical, but man - it takes awhile for the emotional side to catch up.

 

It's hard to take a step back and breath when you don't have any sort of support structure except for a website like this. Heh.

 

Anyway, maybe it's true after all...maybe you really don't need a relationship to be happy...once you figure out how to live with the changes.

[Becoming]

I think we do need some kind of relationality to be happy, even if it's minimal human contact. We're all different in the degree to which we want other people in our lives (extroversion/introversion). But as human beings we're social animals, after all.

 

For me, it's when someone is clinging to me so tightly that I feel like a piece of the mother ship that's broken up in a shipwreck that codependency comes into play. Because when another is clinging to you like a panicked drowning man, you're just going to drown, too.

 

There's a difference between needing a relationship because you think your life depends upon it, and just wanting a relationship and missing it.

[Diver012]

I think we do need some kind of relationality to be happy, even if it's minimal human contact. We're all different in the degree to which we want other people in our lives (extroversion/introversion). But as human beings we're social animals, after all.

 

For me, it's when someone is clinging to me so tightly that I feel like a piece of the mother ship that's broken up in a shipwreck that codependency comes into play. Because when another is clinging to you like a panicked drowning man, you're just going to drown, too.

 

There's a difference between needing a relationship because you think your life depends upon it, and just wanting a relationship and missing it.

 

Thats a very good point. I hadnt been in a relationship before my Ex in 3 years. I was happy with myself, but my situation at that time was difficult. I find myself missing the relationship. I miss the companionship. Although I do miss certain qualities that my Ex had, there are also many qualities about her I do not miss. The biggest one was being lied to and disrespected at teh end of the relationship.

[riobikini]

re:

 

KittenMoon: " This paradox bothers me. Thoughts? Or should I just shush? "

 

Certainly don't shush, KM. You have brought up countless beneficial thought-provoking threads since you first visited here, and I have been glad to see them posted.

 

 

Judging by the response, your question needed to be posed.

 

My own thoughts are that we *do* need people in the sense that we learn and grow from 'people contact'.

 

I do, however, agree with the notion that letting go of those 'bad' relationships is a good thing, -they're definately *not* needed.

 

Can a person live without a romantic relationship? My answer is one based on the circumstances. For instance, it depends where you are in life -mainly, your emotional state- what stage of development you are in emotionally, as well as your chronological age.

 

When I reach my seventies (provided I get there) I may not view romantic relationships (for myself) in the same ways as I do presently -and certainly, not as I have viewed them when I was much younger.

 

In the aftermath of a divorce or breakup, someone may not feel ready for another romantic relationship, and therefore, not feel they *need* someone close.

 

I think it just depends on the events of our lives, and whether those experiences are fresh, or from the past and have had time to settle and create new perspective out of, perhaps, older, wiser eyes.

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

I keep hearing, over and over, "you don't need a relationship/specific person to be happy" and "don't base your happiness on anyone else, make your own" and yet, when someone leaves us, we act as if these things don't apply to them. That they should have thrived in all the love we gave them, that they should have wanted to do anything to save the relationship, etc etc. I've certainly said all this myself.

 

Maybe they just didn't need us to be happy with their own lives, nor want us. Maybe they don't need or want a relationship (or maybe this particular relationship), etc.

 

Maybe they were jerks to us, or left us under terrible circumstances, but they did walk away, and how can we blame them for not needing the relationship and/or our love when we keep trying to shore ourselves up by repeating that very idea?

 

This paradox bothers me. Thoughts? Or should I just shush?

 

You should never shush....I've read through some of the replies but not all, so I may be repeating certain points..here's it goes..my reflection on your thoughts..

We need people and relationships the good and the bad to help us learn about ourselves. How else do we know who we are? How else do we learn to grow by what we experience either through pain or joy. YET, we don't need people as a form of attachment a.k.a "when we worship people". This is what we do when people move in and out of our lives. When we are confronted with loss of loved ones or bf/gf through breakups. We haven't learn let go with grace. We literally put people on a pedastal and make them god-like. We lose perspective of who they were and this worshiping of them leaves us shattered. And that is where I am beginning o see that this is clearly when we "you don't need a relationship/specific person to be happy"

Relationships are rewarding but to place any relationship in a god-like ttus will forever leave us shattered because by nature humans will disappoint other humans. When we take away that pressure of expecting that bf/gf to be perfect and always there we cut the thread of dependency and thereby start looking inward for a confidence and happiness. No we don't shun the pleasure of another but we learn to accept that if it ends you have enough resource spiritually and emotionally to go through any loss knowing you will overcome it!

 

P.S. It is also through the losses that we grow tremondously. When we are in love and everything is peachy and harmonious we don't reflect about all these deeper questions, because we are in child-like bliss (and that is why we deny deny deny the moment things get rocky...we'll do anything not to leave that bliss state despite the truth of the rocky waters ahead) So in this period between relationships and prcessing we ask deep questions..., so the rough times are beneficial...I suppose.

[a4a]

I look at relationships I have had in the past as vacations.

 

Some were great, some were ok, some just really sucked.

 

But they all supplied experiences and memories to learn from.

 

And most end, no matter how bad you wish they would not.

 

Many times you wish you would have planned your trip differently.....

but what the hell at least you experienced it!

 

You can ruin your entire vacation by spending it thinking about coming to an end. Instead realize that you have more vacations in your future, enjoy the one your on and when it ends start looking forward to the next one instead of being upset that the one you just had is over.

 

Life is one big giant vacation.... it will end. But while your on that vacation make the most of it

*************************************************

I have to wonder if the statement "bringing your baggage into a relationship" has something to do with my vacation theory? :lmao:

[timidity99]

If being in a co-dependant relationship is so perfect, why is she your EX in the first place? That doesnt sound like a perfect relationship to me. Im not saying there is a perfect relationship, as a matter of fact, I dont think it exists. Relationships take work, commitment, and sacrifice. If you need someone in your life to put up with you, then maybe you should make some changes in your life so that a person isn't there to simply put up with you, but is there because they love and respect the person you are. That just sounds more healthy to me and rewarding...

 

 

She's my ex in the first place because I turned down her marriage proposal. If she wants to come back then she knows what she's getting herself into. It's not my fault that she's unhappy. She's choosing to put up with me. I have no desire to change anything about my life. I like the way I am. Who are you to tell me that I need to make changes? You are not dating me and therefore I am someone else's problem not yours!

[Diver012]

She's my ex in the first place because I turned down her marriage proposal. If she wants to come back then she knows what she's getting herself into. It's not my fault that she's unhappy. She's choosing to put up with me. I have no desire to change anything about my life. I like the way I am. Who are you to tell me that I need to make changes? You are not dating me and therefore I am someone else's problem not yours!

 

Point I failed to make I guess is, Co-Dependant relationships are usually very painful and destructive to either one of both people involved. Theres exceptions to every rule of course. But Hey, your right. Your not my problem, do what ever ya like, and good luck.

[lonelybird]

how about think this way?

we may be oranges, strawberries, (and good ones)....but he/she who we deeply love likes apples only, and only apples can make him/her happy or make him/her think he/she is happy. and he/she left us not necessary define us as insufficient oranges, strawberries...

All of us are human beings, we tend to think the one we love are almost perfect for us. but actually he/she has flaus, just same as us. his/her leaving is terrible loss for us right now, but in a long term sense, it may not be a bad thing. and it is a good chance for you to find a better life and grow.

[magichands]

But everyone is a fruit salad. Some bits you like, and some you don't (like as much).

[lonelybird]

ya, you got the idea:p , there are many kinds of fruit salad